


Wasted Chances - Modern AU

by iswawrites



Series: Wasted Chances - AU [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, TW : PTSD, TW : mention of suicidal thoughts, Wanda and Bucky are besties, bucky/nat is my first bucky ship so yeh, but like, i could have made bucky date wanda but i didn't, what is happening to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-07-28 06:43:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 61
Words: 111,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7629034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iswawrites/pseuds/iswawrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Steve looks up and it feels like his heart drops in his chest and it's strange - and funny- because the feeling is somehow familiar and he feels weak and hot and he's suffocating and Tony is in front of him and Steve knows then, knows he's in love, knows he's screwed for the rest of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is kind of a Royalty AU, I don't know how it'll work out. But keep in mind, the Starks are a royal family ( not like reigning and stuff but they have royal blood ) and they are well-known obvs. They do not have powers, it's an alternate universe, straight outta my head so .. bare with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have changed stuff. This was usually set up in 1931 and I liked the old setting at first but while writing, I felt limited with the descriptions of some parts so I changed the timeline to a modern one. It's still a Royalty AU, just a modern one.  
> Hope you enjoy it regardless!

**i**. _drastic_

 

_June 1990_

 

Steve dries his eyes, he has to ; he doesn't want to appear sad or weak or worse , _stupid_ , in front of Ms Stark. He is only twelve, yes, and his mother has always kept him as far as possible from the owners of the mansion – Steve likes to refer it as a castle, though, it is a prettier word , he thinks – and he is already afraid, wondering why Ms Stark wants to see him. His mother, lovely Sarah Rogers, cook and one of the maids of the Starks, is dead, taken by an infection, and Steve is alone now, all alone in this world, without a clue of what to do with himself.

 

He steps into the room when he hears his name being called ; he feels so out of place here, the castle shines with bright white walls and marble pieces of decorations – Steve knows them all, having drawn them several times while waiting for his mother's shift to end - , and he feels like a dirty spot that needs to be whipped out with bleach.

 

“Steve sweetheart, do sit down.”

 

Maria Stark's voice is beautiful, Steve always thought so, after all she's very beautiful and he thinks many men must have fought to get her, she's always been so gentle and sweet. She is pouring a cup of tea, a nice comforting smile on her face. Steve sits down in the soft chair – it's all soft, he realizes , with the arms a nice gold color , and the soft material a deep bordeaux red, he likes it – and watches her as she pours another cup.

 

“Do you take sugar with your tea, dear ?”

 

“No, thank you.”

 

He's not sure why she's offering him tea, but he takes the cup anyway, and waits before taking a sip ; the liquid is warm, but not enough to burn him, he recognizes a berry taste in the tea, he doesn't ask though, he doesn't want to push his luck and have Ms Stark realizes he's a stupid twelve years old boy.

 

“Steve, love, I wanted to see you today, because I know this is a particularly hard time for you.”

 

He looks up from his cup, and finds Maria Sark looking at him with sad eyes ; he knows this look, he saw it many times, once when his mother said that they had to move because they couldn't afford rent anymore, and some other time when his mother watched him having a cough fit and she couldn't do anything to help. And now Maria Stark is giving him the same look, and it can only mean one thing.

 

“I know ma'am, and I appreciate the kindness you've shown over the last two years towards me and my mother. It was very much appreciated.”

 

Maria smiles and a small sound escapes her mouth and Steve thinks she's chuckling and, okay, what has he done wrong ?

 

“Darling, You're speaking as if I am about to throw you out in the streets.”

 

Oh, and yes, she's chuckling, laughing even, and Steve can't help but be confused.

 

“You're.. _not_  ?”

 

She shakes her head, laughing slighly at him, but Steve can't manage to find the gesture hurtful. She leans in and grabs the cup, sitting on his lap between his hands ,and puts it away before she takes his hands in hers. They're soft, and she squeezes his, which are probably sweaty and all moisty.

 

“I know that your mother was the only family you have left, but I want you to know that I am not going to let you go on the streets alone or to the foster system, God knows how bad it is. What I want is for you to stay with us and be one of us.”

 

“Ms Stark, I don't understand..”

 

“It's simple, I haven't talked about this wih anyone but I am about to launch an organization for orphan children, and I knew your mother, she was very kind and I can see she brought you up to be just like her. So, would you like to be a part of the Stark family ?”

 

Steve is surprised, chocked to be honest, he can't believe his ears, he can't believe what she's telling him. She's asking him, Steven Rogers, a scrawny little kid, poor and barely able to lift anything, to be a part of the Stark family. They're rich, they're so rich, his mother told him so, he remembers her saying _royalty_ or something ; he's not sure what it means, bu he doesn't have much to compare really.

So he lets out a small okay and lets Maria Stark hug him. His mother is gone but he is not completely alone, and he needs to hold onto something, and righ now, he only has that. He just doesn't how drastically his life is about to change. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go for chapter 2! Like my other fanfiction, I will alternate the chapter's centric ( Steve, Tony, Steve, Tony, etc. ).  
> Hope you guys enjoy it :)!

**ii** _.confluence //  a coming or flowing together, meeting, or gathering at one point_

 

“Mister Stark ! Would you please come back here ?”

 

Tony doesn't listen, he keeps running down the long white corridor, and he has no intention to stop ; he hates english, he doesn't understand why he needs to speak well or write well for that matter. He doesn't like speaking in public and he's not one to write letters either so why bother, right ? Unfortunately, his parents do not agree with him and his grades in boarding school don't either, he has been appointed a personal tutor to help him with english. The man, Professor Philip Coulson, is not bad, it's just that Tony doesn't like that he's here by obligation.

Tony runs and runs, hearing Mister Coulson running behind him - the man is in a good physical condition , Tony will give him that , and patience as well , he must have it, in order to handle Tony. Tony turns around the corridor, and opens the first door on his way , closing the door behind him and bends over, caching his breath. He's eleven and in a very good health , but still, he's not an athlete and doubts he shall ever be.

 

“What are you doing here, Anthony ?”

 

He jumps and bumps his head in the door ; he presses his hand on the sore spot. He turns around and finds his mother, and a very thin kid sitting in front of her. He forgets about the pain on his forehead for a second and wonders ; he checks the kid out shamelessly, examining his facial features, he's pretty cute, even if he looks like he could use a sandwich or two; the old and dirty clothes he's wearing barely fits him but Tony can tell he's slightly older than him. Tony scrunches up his nose, the kid doesn't fit here, Tony has never seen him before, and most importantly, what is he doing with his mother ?

 

“Who's that ?” He asks his mother, making a head gesture towards the kid.

 

“Tony, please, be nice. This is Steven. You may have seen him around a few times.”

 

“Hum, no ?” Tony snaps, and he doesn't really mean his voice to sound so mean, but he can't help it.

 

His mother sighs and turns to Steve, who's been standing next to her like a sentinel all this time, and Tony wants to shake him, make him lose the tension in his body.

 

“I am very sorry, Steve, but he's usually like this, so please bare with him, alright ?”

 

Steve nods at her, and his eyes found Tony's, and Tony thinks they're beautiful, they're blue, a light blue color and Tony notices something behind them but Steve adverts his gaze too quickly for Tony to have the time to decipher what it is.

 

As if on cue, Professor Coulson enters the room , out of breath and his eyebrows furrowed but as soon as he spots Ms Stark, he straightens up and regains composure – Tony finds it always fascinating, how his mother inspires respect with a single look of hers, and that's probably why he admires so much.

 

“Oh Ms Stark, I am deeply sorry for this interruption, I was just looking for Mr Anthony so we could go back to our lesson.” Coulson speaks , in a tone that makes Tony rolls his eyes and he hears a chuckle but he can't bother to look at the kid.

 

“It's quite alright, Coulson. Actually, I think today's session should be aborted. I want Anthony and Steve to spend some time together, to get to know eachother. But before this, I want to speak to you in private, Anthony.”

 

Tony nods, it's all he can do. Maria gives Coulson the permission to leave and she indicates Steve the way to Tony's bedroom, where he can wait ; Tony wants to protest but he bites his tongue and swallows back the words.

 

Tony stays put while his mother sits down on a chair, red and gold, and he likes that it's somehow coordinated with her white tailored outfit.

 

“Tony, I don't want you to get upset, but could you please be nice to Steve ? He's going through something awful and he needs to know he is not alone in this.”

 

“What happened to him ?” Tony is curious, concerned even, because sure, he doesn't know the kid, but Tony is not completely mean. Just sometimes.

 

“Do you remember our cook ? Sarah.” Tony nods. “ Sarah was his mother, and she died a few days ago, the poor boy has no family left and .. I want to make him a part of our family.”

 

Tony blinks at her, trying to process the words she just spoke, the last part not quite registering well.

 

“A part of our family ?”

 

“Yes.. I want to adopt him.” She sits up and give him a strong, royal look. “ I want him to be a part of the Stark family.”

 

Tony doesn't know what to say ; he always knew that his mother was gentle and kind but this, _this is insane_ , she wants to take in an orphan and adopt him, what could be crazier ?

He's probably dreaming he thinks, he must have fell down while he was running and hit his head and it's all just a vision.

 

“Have you told Father ?” Tony demands.

 

“No, but I will.”

 

“Then you know he's not going to be okay with this.”

 

“Probably, but this kid needs a family. He's only a twelve, and the foster system is bad enough , I don't want to see his face in the news with some headline saying he was beaten up by his foster father !”

 

Oh, she's raising her voice ; she never raised her voice towards Tony, not unless she was really angry and she's not right now and Tony doesn't really want to push his luck. He feels bad now, for geting upset, especially after she asked him not to. He walks to her, and circles his arms around her waist ; he's grown up quite a bit, but she's still pretty tall.

 

“ 'm sorry, mom” Tony whispers. “ I'll be good to him, I promise.”

 

He feels a kiss on his hair and he smiles.

 

“Thank you Anthony, I knew I could count on you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let a girl know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reasons, I am having a hard time writing kid!steve but yeh, I'll manage it, hope you enjoy it!

**iii**. _entrancing //   power or permission to enter_

 

Steve sits still on the cold shiny floor, his feet aches from the walking and his shoes are old and too small for his feet, and he almost lost himself in the mansion on his way to Tony's bedroom. He is sitting by the wooden door, his eyes focused on the floor, he's cold, the air around him is cold and he feels alone and he can't hear any noise, and it's scaring him but he's not going to admit that out loud.

 

“Hey, kiddo”

 

Tony's voice startles him, and Steve rises to his feet in a second, standing straight ; that earns him a chuckle from Tony and Steve wants to slap himself for being so stupid. Tony stops walking when he's just in front of Steve, too close for Steve's comfort and he takes a step back but Tony only takes a step forward. Steve frowns at him, and Tony only smiles.

 

“What are you doing here ?” Tony asks.

 

“Your mom.- ”

 

“No, I meant, outside my room” Tony corrects, still chuckling and Steve feels highly uncomfortable.

 

“Hum, I didn't know.. I didn't know if I could go in.” The words passes his lips and he doesn't believe how stupid he sounds.

 

“You could. I mean, nothing's going to blow up in there yet.”

 

“It would have been rude. I didn't know if you were okay with it.”

 

Tony laughs, a bright, loud laugh and it echoes around them and Steve feels his insides twitch, and he's not sure what it is for. Tony grabs Steve by the hand and opens his bedroom's door ; they enter and Steve feels little sparks between their hands but this tingling feeling is forgotten when he sees the inside of Tony's room.

The room is messy, a big, massive, giant mess of tools, all kind of mecanical devices and there's batteries and rusty hardware and Steve is lost and he wonders and he doesn't know where to look and it's everywhere.

 

“Come on, I'll show you my stuff, it's pretty cool !”

 

Steve is taken in a corner of the room and Tony's hand is still in his as they sat down, and Tony takes a small box, from under all the mess and oh, it's not a box, it's a .. what is it ?

 

“What is it ?”

 

“It's a _who_ , please.” Tony corrects him. “ He's a little bot, I named him Dummy, because well, he's pretty dumb and he's a pain too, but I made him, so he's special.”

 

Steve nods and watches as Tony plays with Dummy, his face all lit up and happy and smiling and Steve thinks _beautiful_. He just watches as Tony explains him what Dummy does and the little bot is moving around them as Tony shows Steve all the things he has built and Steve is amazed by Tony, by eleven years old Tony's mind and Steve is not sure how it's supposed to work, because Tony is only eleven and a kid and he's already doing so much and Steve is twelve and he doesn't know the name of half of what is in Tony's room.

 

He feels so little here, not just because the room is big, giant compared to the place he lives in, but because he hasn't done anything yet, anything remarkable, and he's only twelve and who does anything astounding at twelve years old and he was fine with it but then here comes Tony, beautifully creative Tony Stark, who's already accomplishing so much and Steve feels so little and out of place, he wants to curl up in a ball and disappear.

 

“Hey, are you following me ?”

 

Tony's voice snaps him out of his reverie and his eyes are wide, and Steve feels bad for not really listening, but he doesn't know anything about mecanics or engineering and he's never been really interested in it ; he's more into art himself but paper and charcoal and pencils are expensive and his mother barely made enough for rent so he used to draw on newspapers found in the streets and used coal. And Tony is still watching him, with wide eyes, his head just tilt slightly to the side and Steve feels really bad.

 

“I am, promise. It's just.. a lot.” Steve finally answers, and it's partially a lie, because yes it's a lot, and no , because he's not really listening.

 

But Tony buys it, and goes back to speaking a thousand words per minute, words that Steve isn't sure he knows them all. But Tony has a smile on his face and Steve thinks he should ever be like this. But as Tony is playing with screwdriver and old battery, still rambling about mecanics, something in the back of Steve's mind grabs his attention.

 

“Tony.”

 

“Yes ?”

 

“What did you mean nothing's going to blow up _yet_  ?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys knows how much I love feedback? let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So , for those who've been reading this from the start, just to let you know : I've changed the timeline, it's not set in the 1930s anymore, I've changed to the 1990s. I felt limited when I was writing so I had to change the timeline, so keep that in mind! Nothing else has changed tho, and hope you enjoy the chapter!

**iv**. _attachment_

 

Tony wakes up in the middle of the night, he fell asleep quite late, working on some improvements to his news bots. He checks the time on his clock, it's close to one in the morning, and he groans, having only been asleep for one hour or so. He lays still for a while, trying to understand why he woke up, when it comes to him. There are voices, yelling and screaming and he hears shattering glass, and that has him sitting up in his bed. He gets up and he recognizes his parents' voices once he's out of his room. He doesn't even have to get down to the stairs to make out what they're saying, and he doesn't need to be an adult to understand that his father is angry.

 

“How dare you do this Maria ? How dare you even think that I would let a poor kid in this family ? He's not from our status, he's poor ! He's not our own kind !”

 

Tony's fists clench by his side, and he wants to go down and hit his father ; he's only eleven but he's sure he can hurt him enough. It's wishful thinking because he couldn't even get near his father, the man would make sure to keep his son at least 2 feet away from him. Tony hears his mother ague back and Tony wants, prays that she wins this, because Tony likes the kid, he likes Steve. Tony likes Steve's company, eventhough he's super quiet and unless he's asking something, Steve won't talk much but Tony doesn't mind because he listened. Well, not really for the first minutes but Tony didn't blame him, Tony knows he tends to go overboard wih his explanations, but he can't help it, he loves making things.

 

“Tony ?”

 

Tony turns around, a bit startled, and finds Steve in the middle of the corridor, too thin Steve in an oversized pajamas and his eyes are half-shut and his eyebrows are knotted and Tony smiles at the sight and thinks _adorable_. But then he hears his father's voice rising up again and he makes out words such as _waste of time_ and _pointless_ and Tony is suddenly burning with fear because if he can hear them then Steve surely can as well. And he does, because Steve's face falls and shame creeps in his features. Tony can't let this happen though, he can't ; and he hates his father for making Steve feel this way, Steve should never be ashamed of himself. Okay, maybe he wasn't born in a rich family but he didn't mean it. Tony can't have it, he can't have Steve hearing what his father is saying.

Tony crosses the space between then and grabs Steve's hand ; he tends to do that quite a lot today, it's already the fourth or fifth time -or is it seventh ? - but he doesn't mind the touch, he _likes_ it actually. Because Steve's hands are soft and Tony's always feels a bit rough from touching metals all day, and they're warm and Tony likes the contrast with his cold ones. So he grabs Steve's hand and drags him back to his room – Steve's room , he was given one this afternoon, after Tony's mother came to check on them, it's a big one, and Steve kept staring at everything, not touching anything. Once inside, Tony shuts the door behind them, and he brings Steve to the bed. There, they lay side by side, facing eachother, and the voices have died down a little ,but it's still loud and Tony wonders how is this possible to still hear them in a mansion this size.

 

“Are they going to send me back ?”

 

Steve's eyes are wet and Tony sees the broken, orphan, small child in front of him, and he shakes his head immediately.

 

“No, they won't.”

 

“But what if they do ?”

 

 

And it's true, what if they do ? What if Howard wins the argument and he sends Steve away, to the foster system ? What if Tony never sees Steve again because of that ? He refuses this idea, and that's probably his biggest flaw : getting attached too quickly while taking the risk of having it taken away from him. But Tony can't have it, because he's already too attached to Steve now.

 

“Then, we'll run away.”

 

Steve's eyes widen and Tony laughs because how is he the youngest and Steve the oldest really ? He sees a faint blush on Steve's cheeks and Tony smiles.

 

“We're bestfriends now. Nothing will take us apart.”

 

The words float in the air between them, and they stare at eachother in silence.

 

“I never had a bestfriend before.”

 

“Me neither. See ? We already have so much in common !” Tony jokes, a playful smile on his face and Steve joins him and smiles too and Tony is happy that he made Steve forget about the situation.

 

“And where would we go ?” Steve demands.

 

“Hum” Tony thinks for a second. “ Have you ever been to Paris ?”

 

“We could barely pay the rent so..”

 

Oh, and Tony feels bad then, he feels bad because he made Steve remember that his mother is dead and that they were poor, barely living above the average, and Tony didn't mean to make him feel bad.

 

“I'll take you to Paris someday. We don't even need to run away for it.”

 

Tony tries a smile and it takes Steve a bit of time to join him and it's not a bright smile but it's still a smile and Tony will take it anyhow.

 

“Just imagine it : we could go down the Seine , it's the main river flowing all accross Paris, and we could have french breakfast down the docks and we could see the Eiffel Tower ! It's huge, Steve ; we went last year around Christmas and it was huge ! It's all metal and it's big, you'll love it !”

 

“ _Of course_ you'd love something made out of metal.” And Steve is rolling his eyes and Tony is chocked from his comeback. Never in a million years would he have imagined Steve being sassy.

 

“Hum, okay, where did that sass come from ?”

 

“Born with it, buddy.”

 

Tony smiles at the word and Steve smiles too and they go off, teasing and telling eachother stories – Tony 's rambles of all the times he got in trouble at boarding school and it's only his first year there and Steve's stories about all the nice things his mom got him presents for Christmas even if they were short on money, just because she wanted to see him smile. There's tickle fighs and sassy jokes and playful hits to one another and they fall asleep with achy tummies and sore cheeks and light hearts and fingers intertwined. They don't really realize it, their fingers just seem to not like being apart, but it's okay, it's fine, they're bestfriends and besfriends are never apart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #bestfriendsgoals anyone?  
> Let me know what you think ! xxx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am gonna start putting what I listened to during the process of wriing some chapters, would you guys like that? Let me know!   
> Also, this chapter is mainly a filler, and the next few chapters will be as well. I don't mainly like chapters where nothing happens but I need to write them in order for the story to move forward. Hope you understand.   
> Happy reading ! :)

**v**. _home_

 

Howard Stark never accepts Steve, and he makes sure Steve knows it. But of course, Steve does, he may still be a child, but he's not stupid, far from it.

Steve first realizes that Howard Stark doesn't like him, the first morning he spends in the mansion. The man leaves the room as soon as Steve sets his foot in the dining room and Tony sighs, next to Steve.

 

“It's okay, he doesn't like me either.”

 

Steve finds it strange, what kind of parent doesn't like his own child ? And the more he sees of Howard Stark, the less he understands. But it's okay, because he has other things to think about ; he was assigned to Professor Coulson, and he remembers how the man smiled at him in the first session when Steve named the most famous english authors of the last two centuries. For the first time in a while, he is proud of himself, and Professor Coulson brings him a gift when he writes a hundred word essay – without making a single mistake. It's a box of pens and pencils and a blank notebook and Steve almost cries, staring at the pens and the blank pages in awe.

 

“How does _he_ get a gift and I don't ?” Tony whines

 

“Maybe if you actually did your homework, you would get one too.” Coulson answers and Tony shuts up.

 

Steve wants to take Tony's defense, wants to say that Tony isn't supid, not at all, but he's just too busy building things, and that's why he never does his homework. But Steve is too much in admiration in front of his gift that the words can't find their way to his lips and they stay put on the roof of his mouth. He spends hours writing, and discovering words ; once Maria finds him in the late evening hidden in a corner of the private library, reading a book. She finds it funny because it's almost eleven p.m and he's already apologizing for being here but she can't bring herself to be mad at the young boy, instead she goes to sit next to him, taking off her heels and they end up reading the book togeher, it's an Agatha Christie book, and Steve asks her about some words and she tries to explain them as good as possible and he writes the new words he learns in his new little notebook.

 

Summer goes and Steve has to go back to school, and that's when he remembers that Howard Stark doesn't like him. On the 1st of September, a driver takes him to a school , and it's a public school – and Steve wrongly assumed that he would join Tony at the boarding school - , and Steve doesn't say anything to the driver, just look at him, and the driver sighs and whispers _Sorry, son_. Steve just shrugs and goes in the building. And when he comes back at 5:30 in the evening and Howard Stark only smirks at him, he doesn't do anything because Steve is angry but he's not violent. Instead he just goes upstairs and does his homework and reads his books.

 

He spends a lot of time with Maria, she's always here when he comes home from school, and she helps as much as she can with his homework. He finds it nice, spending time with her, he can see she's a good mother, that she cares, he sometimes wonders about Tony and if they ever did this together. He thinks about Tony a lot, he never says anything or ask about him to Maria but he thinks about Tony a lot. They spent a lot of the time in the summer, it was mostly in the tutoring sessions and mostly complaining from Tony and Steve brushing him off but they would always have fun at the end of the day. He knows he's not going to see Tony for a long time, and Steve is okay. Tony has probably forgotten about him now already, Steve knows he's not that rememberable.

 

He's proven wrong when Christmas comes and school has been over for a couple of days and Steve is drawing one of the oak trees in he backyard when he hears his name being called.

 

“Steve ! Where are you ?!”

 

He recognizes the voice immediately and he can't help the warm feeling inside of him growing and growing. He gets off the grass, leaves his sketchbook and his pen there and goes off to find Tony, goes off to find his bestfriend. He finds Tony near the library, and Tony sees him and the smile on his face warms Steve inside and in a minute they're in eachother's arms. Tony is warm, but Steve is not sure if it's Tony's own warmth or his own but it's comforting, and he missed it, missed Tony, missed his bestfriend.

 

“Missed you.” he says when he lets go of Tony, and they've been hugging for a good amount of time but Steve says it's okay, because they're going to be siblings, and siblings hug right ?

 

“Missed you too !” Tony says with a toothy grin. “Come on now, I have so much things to show you !”

 

And Tony grabs his hand and takes him upstairs in his room and to his suitcase , and then it's air full of laughters and a room full of stories and Steve's eyes are watery and his belly aches and it brings him back to his first night in the mansion, when he and Tony fell asleep next to eachother and right in this moment, he feels at home – a different one, it's not like when he and his mother lived in a small appartment in Brooklyn, it's a different one, but he likes this one probably just as much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave some love maybe? :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So a bit of timelapse here, needed to make things move forward a little !  
> Also, Congrats to the ultimate babe Chris for the TCA ! He deserved it and I hope this reminds him that we love him and that his talent is appreciated ! My baby looked so cute on stage too ( i litterally cried during his speech , you go baby boy mama's proud )  
> Anyway, enough ramble, enjoy the read lovelies :)!  
> Song : Sweater Weather - Max Schneider & Alyson Stoner cover

**vi**. _psithurism // The sound of wind in the trees and rustling of leaves._

 

_December 1995_

 

When Tony is 15 and he comes home for Christmas, he feels weird. He doesn't know why but something inside of him stirs all the time. He eats and drinks, but it doesn't go away. He does his usual stuff : eats dinner with his parents and Steve, then sits in the staircase and listens to his mother playing the piano in the library, and then builds things until dawn. He's happy he's home ; boarding school is boring, he skips most of his classes and the only reason his father isn't aware of this is because Tony once swapped the phone numbers on the information sheet. He gets to see Steve though, and that is, to him, a massive bonus. He was utterly disappointed when he found out that Steve wouldn't be joining him in boarding school – and furious when he found out that Steve was going to a public school. No Stark had ever gone to a public school ; but then again, Steve isn't a Stark, not legally. The adoption papers are here, he knows they are – they're sitting in the second drawer of the desk in the office room – but his father refuses to sign them. Tony knows his father has an issue with Steve, and he's honestly admirative of Steve for not asking any questions. Had it been him, Tony would have made a revolution. But it's not him, and Steve is a peculiar human being on his own, and Tony will always be admirative of Steve regardless of anything that happens.

He's changed, Steve, he's different, he's not the harmless, terrified twelve years old little kid his mother took in. He's taller now, bigger, stronger, he's started doing sports at school, and Tony wonders about this public school, because they sure do some miracles. He's gotten handsome, Tony will admit that much, but he always brushes away those thoughts because Steve is supposed to be like his brother, and you can't really have those kind of thoughts towards your brother, can you ?

 

On one night, he's about to go and make himself a snack when he sees Steve outside. Maria and Howard aren't home, gone on some business trip for Stark Industries, and they have the mansion for themselves and Tony knows many boys at his school who would have just thrown a big party but all thoughts of that goes away once he spots Steve. The older boy is on the little bench in the patio, right outside the kitchen. It's freezing outside and sure, the patio is closed and it has glass windows, but still, it's freezing, Tony thinks. But he goes out nonetheless and the cold air hits him at once, but it's okay because then Steve's eyes meet him and it's warm then, almost as if Steve's blue eyes are a shield to the cold temperature.

 

“Aren't you cold ?” Tony asks. He sits next to Steve on the bench, their knees are touching and Tony feels the heat radiating from Steve and it wonders how it's possible.

 

“I'm good. Why are you up though?”

 

“Don't know.” Tony shrugs. “ Why are you ?”

 

Steve shrugs too, and they sit in silence, watching the wind blowing inbetween the few leaves left on the trees. Tony watches as some leaves start flying, going around in circles and the little lanterns spread around the garden and the fairy lights hung up in the patio makes the scenery beautiful. It's calming, the atmosphere is light and he feels serene, for the first time since he's been home ; but there's something. His knee is touching Steve's, just enough so it feels the touch, and Tony doesn't know why but he wants to reach out and connect his body with Steve's and indulge in the warmth that his body seems to provide. But Tony can't, they're almost brothers, and Tony turns to Steve, and oh, _oh_ , maybe he shouldn't have. Because Steve has his eyes set into the distance and the fairy lights make his eyes look like gold and a few strands of his blonde hair are falling on his forehead and Steve's lips are still pink – as if he's being bitten them for hours – and Tony wants to reach out and _bite_ , bite those lips, those inviting lips. But he can't. Because Steve is his brother, not legally, but he was brought into this family as such, and Tony thinks it's not appropriate to think of a brother like this.

 

“I miss my mom.”

 

Steve speaks up, his voice so low, and it's broken at the end, and there's a tear falling once he closes his eyes but Tony doesn't say a thing. And what could he say ? Tony isn't good at comforting people, he doesn't know how to and he mentally slaps himself for not being a better bestfriend to Steve. Sure, they talk when he's away at school, they call eachother on weekend nights – once Steve wrote Tony a letter, to which Tony wrote back, and Steve called him the day he received it, pointing out that he needs to improve his spelling and vocabulary, Tony had laughed at him, calling him sassy - , bu it's not the same as being together all the time, and Tony wants that. He wants to be with Steve all the time, he misses Steve when they're apart, and he really tries to spend as much time as he can with Steve but it's hard when you have so much projects to hand out.

And Steve is so understanding, always understands when Tony says that he needs to finish his homework, because Steve is like that, he's nice, he's understanding, he's Steve.

And right now Steve is hurting and Tony wants nothing more to help him but he doesn't know what to say or to do, because he doesn't understand the situation. So he just grabs Steve's hand and link their fingers and let them rest between them, while the wind still blows in the cold winter night.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think !  
> P-S : I thought I might say this now : This fic will be mentionning incest at some point. I can't tell you when or why, but there will be mentions of it , so if you're uncomfortable with that, then I am sorry. There will be nothing such as an incestuous relationship though, i have everything planned out the right way :)  
> Oh, and thank you to everyone who's been commenting so far , it's very much appreciated and if you want to read my other stony fic , feel free !  
> Loads of love - Iswa :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beauties!   
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, this is the longest Steve-chapter I've written so far and I quite like it weirdly ( I am a sucker for lovers who are apart , blame me. )   
> I won't be uploading tomorrow as I am not home ( turns out finding a new appartment isn't as easy and I still need to visit a few ) but There will be a new chapter on friday , perhaps even two?   
> Hope you like this chapter and the story :)   
> Loads of love to you xxx

**vii**. _apart_

 

Howard and Maria are dead, killed in a plane accident on their way to Paris.

 

It's the first thing that Steve hears when he wakes up the next morning. He's in pajamas, and it's a stranger who breaks the news to him. Steve doesn't know him, but he doesn't like him already ; the man is tall, bigger than him in every way ; one fist from the man and Steve would surely fall to the floor. But that's not why Steve doesn't like him ; the man has a bad aura, a negative feeling emanating from him and he has the shadow of a smirk on his lips and Steve wants to slap him and wipe it off his face.

He's next to Tony, whose face is blank and Steve forgets about the stranger and he hurts. Tony is not moving, and Steve doesn't think he's even properly breathing. Steve crosses the space between them, and puts his hand on Tony's shoulder.

 

“We have to get the arrangements ready.”

 

Steve turns to the man and frowns at him , how dare he even think of funeral arrangements right now ? Steve wants to yell at him, wants to punch him square in the jaw, and he hopes his eyes sends the message as he glares at the old man.

 

“Could you leave us please ?”

 

“Boy, listen..”

 

“Leave.”

 

The man frowns at Steve, but Steve doesn't lower his gaze – he learned a long time ago that bending your neck in front of bullies doesn't stop from getting snapped.

 

“Now.”

 

Steve makes a point, and the man turns around and leaves. Steve sighs, but then remembers Tony ; he turns around and breaks at the sight. Tony has silent tears running down his cheeks, and he's not moving, and Steve forgets everything when he wraps his arms around Tony. It's strange, how last night, they spent hours outside and Steve was the one crying and Tony held his hand until he stopped eventually, and Steve hopes that it's enough.

 

 

The funeral is two days later. There's a lot of people, and there's photographers and they're wearing suits and Steve hates it because no one is crying, or at least they're trying not to, and Tony is not next to him, and he's next to the man – Obadiah Stane the man is, he found out afterwards, one of Howard's business partners – and Steve wants to run because it's cold, and it's quiet and it's awful and he feels bad because two people died and sure, Howard wasn't the best person he knew but Maria is, _was_ the second best woman he knew and Steve feels bad because two of his favourite women died and now they aren't here with him and who's going to guide him now ? Who's going to bring him to church every sunday ? Who's going to give small but thoughtful gifts for Christmas ? Who's going to read with him in the library after dinner ? Who is he going to have his history homework checked by ?

Not his mother, not Maria, because they both aren't here, and it's awful and he feels awful and if he feels awful, he can't even imagine what Tony must feel right now.

 

But he never gets the chance to ask because he doesn't see Tony for a week after the funeral. Obadiah talks about business matters and Stark Industries hand-over and Steve wants to scream at the man, because it's disrespectful ; but Steve doesn't, because Howard and Maria weren't his parents, and it's not his place to do something.

And he wants to see Tony, he wants to be there for Tony, because that's what bestfriends do, they're here for oneanother. And Steve calls, and texts but he always gets one words answers or none at all, so eventually he stops. He spends Christmas and New Year's Eve with Professor Coulson. On New Year's Eve, and they are both reading books in the office – Steve is sitting in Maria's spot, with her favourite book _Anna Karenina_ on his knees – when Coulson speaks up.

 

“He didn't sign the paper, you know.”

 

Steve looks up from his book – he's at his favorite part, Anna and Vronski are planning their escape and it brings him back to years ago when he was just a clueless kid and Tony said that they could run away together – and Coulson is looking at him with a sad face, and Steve isn't sure if it's aimed at the Starks or Steve himself. Steve stays silent, he doesn't know what else he could say to be honest, he feels as if all he could say in this moment has already been said and it's too late anyway. He always knew his adoption process was a rather touchy topic that the Stark never spoke of in front of him. He has never been called in front of a judge, not once a social worker came to the Stark mansion and ask him about what he wanted. He has never been introduced as a Stark ; Tony had mentionned family holidays in the past, but Steve had never been on one with them. Steve isn't a Stark, doubts he'll ever be.

 

“Do you know what you want to do after graduation ?” Coulson asks him, and the adoption topic lingers in the air, and Steve wishes he said something because now, it's too late.

 

“No.” He sighs.

 

He has thought about it, of course, he finished his senior project – a drawing portfolio and it's mostly scenery with a few portraits here and there – and he wants to go to college and study photography but then, he wants to enroll in the US army. He remembers his mother telling him stories about his father who served as well and died during a raid, and he wants to do that as well, wants to do the right thing.

 

“Might enroll after graduation.”

 

“You want to enroll ?” The surprise in Coulson's voice isn't hidden and Steve has long ago learned to ignore people's assumptions.   
  


“You think I can't do it ?” Steve doesn't mean for his voice to be as harsh but some things can't be helped.

 

“I am scared you would be too good at it.”

 

And Coulson smiles and Steve mirrors him, because he didn't expect that answer and it's better than what he expected but it's always nice to know someone believes in you.

His smile fades when his eyes fall on the door, and it stays closed and there's nothing to be heard outside the office room. Steve's hearts tightens at the thought of Tony ; Tony is usually the one believing him and making him feel like he could do anything. Steve remembers when he was fourteen and Tony was thirteen and Tony was on the roof and Steve was yelling at him to come down but Tony wouldn't have it and Steve had joined him at last, and Tony had laughed and said “ _see, knew you could do it !_ ”.

But he's not fourteen anymore and Tony isn't thirteen either, and it was already two years ago and it seems like yesterday for Steve.

 

“He won't come home you know.”

 

Steve turns to Coulson, and Steve doesn't even think of asking how, because the Professor always seems to know things before Steve does.

 

“I don't mind waiting.”

 

But Coulson is right ; Tony doesn't come home, not while Steve is here though, and on the 4th of January, Steve comes home from school and there's a note on his bed saying _sorry, love you_ in sloppy handwriting on his bed and Steve lets a tear out for the words and for his bestfriend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coulson is cool and Steve is sad.   
> Next chapter is going to be angst,angst,ANGST.   
> btw, if you want to talk to me , here's my tumblr : cuddlingmess.tumblr.com :) i love talking to people !  
> Love xx - Iswa


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I haven't upload as quickly as I previously did, I am home for a week before I have to leave again, so hopefully chapters will be written more quickly :)   
> Hope you enjoy :) Happy reading!

**viii**. _solitude_

 

 

Tony doesn't go back to school ; not on the 4th of January, he hasn't gone back since before Christmas , and he spent the holidays in an hotel room in upstate New York and he has asked to go home because he didn't want to be alone on his family but Mr Stane insisted that meetings were more imporant than the holidays.

 

Tony doesn't cry, that's just how Starks are made, without a single crying bone in their body. So he doesn't cry at the funeral, he hold his head high when they depart the cemetery and doesn't let the façade fall down during the meetings – he usually tunes out after two minutes, his attention span isn't that high but there are times where he has to listen.

He's now a prince, and the heir of Stark Industries and his mother's foundation. He's not even sure what it means, he just knows that now his name are on a lot of papers, and that some people are now calling _Mister Stark_ or _Prince_ or even _Your Majesty_. Tony hates it, he doesn't feel like a _Mister_ _Stark_ , let alone a royal figure. He's Tony, and he wants to stay Tony, and he wants to go home, to his room, to the memories of his mother, to Steve. God, Steve. He feels so bad, thinking about Steve, sweet, caring Steve who called him a dozen of hundred times and Tony didn't answer much of his calls, because he was always busy, always had to be somewhere, and if Steve deserves something, it's all of Tony's time, all of Tony's concentration. Tony promises himself to call him as soon as he wakes up and apologizes for the lack of presence. After all, Steve is the only one Tony can really trust now, he's the only person who hasn't asked anything from Tony, _ever,_ not once. Tony falls asleep hat night, dreaming of waves crashing on metal and blue eyes and warm arms.

 

But he doesn't call the next morning, because he's going back to the boarding school apparently, and he's already missed a month and half worth of classes and sure, he's clever but he doesn't even feel like studying but he has to. He wants to, _for once_ , to at least do something good for his mother. She was the one who insisted he goes to school, he owes her so much, he misses her so much. Her absence leaves a hole in his chest, and he aches, and he's not sure it's ever going to go away.

 

When he sees Steve again, it's for Steve's graduation, and he's happy for the first time in six months, because he sees his bestfriend, and he's all dressed up and he can see that Steve is proud, even from afar. He's grown a lot, he's more toned, and taller, and more handsome, Tony thinks. Tony remembers when he first saw Steve, and how small and thin he was back then ; it feels like yesterday. He stays in a corner, his sunglasses on ; he told the security to leave, he doesn't want to draw attention, because this isn't about him, it's about Steve.

 

“And now, I would like to call another student who's majoring in arts with flying colors, Steven Rogers !” the Head of the school says, and everyone cheers and there's applause and whistle and Tony wonders how much is Steve liked in his school.

 

His bestfriend gets on the small stage and clears his throat. He looks at a few people and smile.

 

“Hi, I'm Steve, and as Head Blackhorn said, arts is my major, but I don't want to talk about me today. This highschool, the people, the crew, all taught me so much, not just concerning academics. The four years I spent here, handing over essays, bonding with people over arts projects, stopping the youngest from being beaten, it taught me about life. Life is hard, and sure you can bend your neck and let it hit you, but it's not the only choice. You can also stand tall, and be proud and not let anyone tell you that you can't do it. Because you can. In this life, it's all about what you think is the right thing to do. And it's why, I've decided to enlist in the U.S army and help defend our country.”

 

People cheer at his words, and it's all loud voices and whistles and congratulations thrown in the air and all of this doesn't mean anything to Tony because he can't hear it. All he hears are Steve's last words and he's not sure he's heard right, but something inside twitches. And he turns around as people are being called, because his mind is running two hundred miles an hour, because he can't accept it, doesn't want to. He needs to leave, he needs to go away, where this reality is not real, somewhere where Steve never said this, where his parents are still alive.

 

 

When he goes back home, he finds the mansion silent ; but he knows Steve is here. Tony spent hours walking down near the docks, needing to clear his head. He goes in the patio, and sits down in one of the wooden chair. It's a warm and sunny day, one of those summer days where his mother would make some lemonade herself and take a book out and spend her afternoon reading.

 

“Oh, hey.”

 

Steve's voice startles him and Tony turns his head and his breath gets caught in his throat. Steve is wearing a red and black plaid shirt, wih black jeans and his feet are bare – he doesn't like wearing shoes or even slippers inside, Tony knows – and his hair falls back on his forehead and it's all damp, and Tony's heart skips a beat.

 

“I didn't know you were here.”

 

Tony's heart does that thing, again, and oh, he needs to get it checked out, he could be a medical condition. He shrugs at Steve's words, and turns away from his bestfriend.

 

“It's still my house, right ?”

 

His voice ends up sounding mean, and not how he intended at all, but there's nothing he can do o change it.

 

“I know, I just.. I didn't think you'd be here.”

 

“And miss your graduation day ? Of course not ! Congratulations by the way, and thanks for letting me know.” Tony snaps, turning around again.

 

Steve's face falls and Tony sees it all crumbling down and he feels a sense of victory somehow, he's not sure why.

 

“You were there ? Why didn't you-”

 

“Why didn't you tell me ?” Tony interrupts him. Steve stays silent. “ What, you were just going to enlist and go to _fucking_ war and _not tell me_?! I thought we were bestfriends !”

 

Tony doesn't know why he's yelling, he hates when people yell, it reminds him of the many arguments his parents used to have. He hates it.

 

“That is rich coming from you !” Steve yells back. “ You're talking about bestfriends, but you left me alone for six months ! I was alone for six months and everytime I texted or called, all I got was a one word answer or none at all ! So don't put this on me ! ”

 

Tony takes a step back ; he's never seen Steve angry, or heard him yell, and it surprises him to see Steve in such a state.

 

“You weren't the only one being alone.” Tony says, a bit lower. “ I was alone too. I lost my parents.”

 

“I know, Tony, that's why I tried to call you so many times. Because I didn't want you to be alone. But you left me.”

 

“I didn't mean to.” Tony says, and he feels bad now. “ I wanted to come home to you, but I couldn't.”

 

Steve doesn't say anything, he just looks down and he has that sad face on that Tony hates. But he doesn't bring himself to say hat he's sorry, because he doesn't feel like he should apologise, he didn't choose to leave Steve, and it's not his fault ; and Steve could have said something, asked him to come home, but he didn't. No , he enrolled in the army instead.

 

“When are you leaving ?” Tony asked.

 

And it's all Tony wants to know, and he shouldn't have said it this way, but he's never been good at grammar and using the proper words anyway. And Steve bites his lips and Tony thinks gorgeous, and he doesn't want to think about Steve being a soldier, Steve laying down his life to protect others, no, no because Steve is the one who should be protected, he's the one who needs to be kept away in a safety net, far from all danger.

 

“In two days. But I have to go to Brooklyn tomorrow for check ups and formal meetings.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Oh. It's all he can say. It's all his lips can let go of, and there's so many words hanging in, so many words that need to be said, but Tony doesn't speak up, and Steve just sighs before whispering _I'm sorry_ and turning around, to leave.

 

And Tony is sorry too, sorry he can't say all he wants to, sorry he's left Steve alone for six months, sorry he's messing up everything. As he watches Steve leaves, he feels like he's losing something, like a part of him is falling and as hard as he's trying to grasp it, it keeps on falling out of his reach.

 

The next morning, he hears Steve outside his room – Tony didn't get any sleep, he kept dreaming about his mother and for some reason, it wasn' soothing as it usually is – and there's footsteps and silence. Tony waits, and waits, waits for Steve to knock, to speak up, but nohing happens and Tony thinks he's hallucinating but then he hears foosteps again and they're drifting off and he hears a car taking off soon after.

 

He's alone now, completely alone and as the feeling sinks in his bones, he lets a tear out for everyone he's lost.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)   
> Love Always :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves :)!  
> Hope you're having a wonderful day and that you enjoy the chapter !  
> Make sure to remember the timelapse. 5 years have gone by since the last chapter, and Steve was 17 when he enlisted ( I made him younger than the actual version, because this is going to play a part later :) :) :) -evileyes- haha.

**iv**. _dor  // a deep nostalgic feeling of sadness, agony, emptiness, upon intensely missing , longing and yearning  for something or someone._

 

_April 2000_

 

 

“Captain watch out !”

 

Steve turns around, following Sam's instructions, and fires at the opponent coming his way. He ducks down before rising again, and fires again, covering his team and himself. He sees Bucky in the corner of his eye, fighting hand to hand with someone, and he sees Sam firing away at the men standing on the top of the destroyed building. There's dust and explosions everywhere and there's firing guns and it was a simple mission, a simple recognition mission but it's all going down and he can see Sam and Bucky and his other teammates but he can't see all of them but Steve can't worry about it now. Someone is running towards him, knife in hand, and Steve doesn't think as he raises his fist.

 

 

“Good job today, guys !” Steve says.

 

“Does that mean you're gonna buy us a drink ?” Dum Dum jokes.

 

The whole team laughs but Steve knows that drinks are definetely in order. They're in the stationnery camp in Israel, secluded from the small villages but not far enough that if something happens, they can intervene quite fast. Steve has been a captain for only six months, proving himself when he saved his current team from being tortured by iraqi extremists. Since then, they've all bonded and become quite the group of friends. Steve is most close to Bucky and Sam, who seemed to have this love-hate kind of relationship , they don't listen to eachother, they tease eachother and hit eachother all the time – Steve thinks it's too funny to watch to even say anything.

 

He drops his headgear in the spot and goes off to take off his jacket when he's stopped by a thick British accent.

 

“So, you're all taking us out tonight I hear ?”

 

Steve smiles as Peggy stands behind him ; she's a fighter that woman, she'll knock down anyone who won't treat her right, Steve has seen it happen , and she's one of his closest friends. She's an officer, and he was surprised the first time he saw her on the camp. They met at the training bootcamp, there had been other girls but she had been the best, everyone agreed on that. She is fierce, and strong, and a bit stubborn but Steve thinks it's endearing.

 

“Why, you wanna join ?”

 

He'll never admit, but he has quite a bit of a crush on her, but can someone blame him ? She's beautiful, big brown eyes and beautiful brown hair, he doesn't like her just for that though. She's a fighter, a real conquereress, and Steve admires her for so many reasons, but it's never going to happen. She has someone waiting for her back home in England and Steve isn't a homewrecker. But he can't help himself from being a bit flirty and playful at times.

 

“I actually might. We covered a good area and the closest villages are safe from any attack for now, we might be having our first real night of rest a while so I want to enjoy !” She answers and she's smiling and Steve feels a sudden warmth inside of him. It's familiar, like he's experienced it long ago, but he can't seem to remember when.

 

“Well, if we can find some alcohol in the desert, I'm sure we won't mind.”

 

 

Steve laughs as Izzy tells yet again the story of how he once told his superior's wife that he was cheating on her ; he's told the story a hundred times but Steve never gets tired of hearing it. He doesn't like the fact that some people cheat, he would never cheat on anyone but the story is too funny to not laugh at. There's a group of soldiers, standing a couple of feet away from them, in a corner and Steve notices them whispering sometimes as they look his way. He doesn't mean to notice them, but it's his job to notice things and act on them. He dismisses it a few times, prefers listening to stories told by his friends, but when he sees one of the soldiers pointing him directly, he decides to end this. He excuses himself – Bucky sends him a look, but Steve shakes his head, he doesn't need Bucky's assistance right now - and head towards the other group.

 

“Gentlemen.” He greets them. “ May I help you with something ?”

 

They all send him a look full of contempt ; they're all strong, Steve admits it, and if a fight needs to happen, he's not sure he'll get out of there without a scratch but he won't back down.

 

“You're Stark's half-brother right ?” one of the soldiers asks.

 

He's got a scary face, the kind of face that has someone you can't trust, and if Steve was wary of him and his team before, the fact that they know him as _Tony's brothe_ r doesn't help. Not a lot of people know that he's acquainted to Tony, he was never introduced in the world as a part of he Sark family, his adoption was never finalized and he kept his mother's name. He never tells people that he was taken in by Maria Stark, may she rest in peace, because he doesn't wan the link to be some kind of distinction.

 

“Our paths crossed. Why do you ask ?”

 

“I was in Stark's boarding school, he talked about you a lot, said you were his brother.” The same soldier explained.

 

Steve didn't know that Tony used to speak about him when he was at school, let alone telling people he was his brother. The thought of Tony makes his stomach twist with nostalgia. He hasn't seen, nor spoken to, nor heard of Tony in two and a half years. He misses him, he's not going to lie to himself about it, he misses Tony more than anything, he misses his bestfriend, misses the crazy things they used to do, the weird conversations they used to have, he misses Tony's crazy theories about stars and they were actually going to all explode someday and blind us all – Steve had laughed about it and told him that stars were already exploding ; it was funny because Tony was the science genius and he always had crazy scientific theories about the weirdest things but Steve loved them all.

Steve misses Tony, he misses Tony like a flower misses the sun ; but somehow the thought of being introduced as Tony's brother doesn't sit well with him, he doesn't know why.

 

“And what is the matter with that ?” Steve asks.

 

He's not too sure where this conversation is heading, why the men cared about Tony at all ; they don't seem like the kind of men that Tony would know, but then, maybe a lot has changed in two and half years.

 

“Stark got laid with John's little sister, then left her alone like some whore. Poor thing was in love with him.”

 

Steve's breath gets caught in his throat ; the words doesn't quite register well in his brain and he thinks he's hallucinating or dreaming but it's not real. He doesn't say another word before turning around and leaving the area. He's met by cold air and freezing wind. He takes a few steps and leans forwards, his hands resting on his knees. He doesn't know why he suddenly feels so out of breath, why he can't breathe properly, why his chest feels so heavy and he's suffocating and his vision is blurry and oh, _oh_ , what's happening.

 _What is happening_.

He falls to his knees, and one hand is on his chest and the other is rubbing at his eyes and wait, why are they wattery ? Steve doesn't know, he doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to know

why he's crying, or why he can't breathe, why Tony is sleeping with girls, why he's here and not with Tony.

 

“Steve ?”

 

He hears Bucky's voice but he doesn't know why it seems so far away, because he can feel Bucky's presence behind him and he feels a hand on his back but he _can't_ feel it somehow. Everything is foreign to him except for this massive pain in his chest and the blur surrounds him and everything is suddenly all black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think ! Love you all, always !


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look at me , updating twice in a day , woop woop! yay go me!  
> So this is rather short, and I think so will the next few chapter, though I am not sure about the next chapter since it's going to be quite.. chocking and hard for me to write I guess..?  
> I don't know we'll see!  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter, as you can see, both of them are experiencing nostalgia in their own way.. I'll swear, they'll meet again soon , I promise!

**x**. _anecdoche // a conversation where everyone is talking but no one is listening_

 

“Mister Stark, Obadiah is on the phone.”

 

“Tell him I'm busy.”

 

“You're not.”

 

Tony spins on his chair, and glares at Pepper, or at least tries to ; he's really trying but Pepper sends a glare right back and Tony smiles because if there's one thing Pepper can do is glare at him. He's currently working on a science/mecanic problem ; he's proud of himself for doing this, he has extended his mother's foundation , it now touches a wider aspect of social life, the foster system and the veterans care. Stark Industries is the biggest developping technology company of the year and it's only April, and Tony is now trying to expand in the medical field as well. He stopped manufacturing weapons a year ago now, and they had a tough six monhs but now everything is starting to go up again. Tony is doing things he enjoys, building things to improve life, that's all he has ever wanted to do.

 

“Pepper love, this is important.” He poins to his work and goes to fix one of the pieces “ It'll change the world.”

 

“What is it ?” Pepper asks, as she sits up straight to have a better view. “ Is that a new kind of prosthetics ?”

 

“Yes, I'm improving the old line.”

 

“What, but we haven't even released the second line.”

 

“I meant the third line.”

 

“What, there is no third line.”

 

“There is one. Just not released.”

 

“When did you even..You know what ? I am tired trying to keep up with you.”

 

“Oh come on, you love trying to keep up with me.”

 

“I could die trying.”

 

Tony loves it, their bond, this kind of relationship, it's playful, efficient, he builds and improves what's already there ; and she finds a way to put it out in the world ; he doesn't know about marketing, it's not really his thing, he's more of a man behind the invention and the name and face to put on the product.

 

“You could try for real.”

 

There's a silence after his words and he thinks she didn't hear him, but she did because she's clearing her throat and she's fumbling with her pen, he can tell, and it's all adorable and he would laugh if he wasn't so focused on the new prosthetic.

 

“What, what exactly do you mean ?”

 

“We could date.”

 

“What ? What, Tony, I mean, Mister Stark, you are- you are _my boss_ , and I am your assistant, and it would be highly inappropriate and-”

 

Tony drops his mini screw driver, and wipes his hands on an already very dirty cloth, before turning towards Pepper. He finds her adorable with her pink rosy cheeks and her little freckles and her bright blue eyes, and as he watches her stutter , he has a weird sense of déjà-vu and he sees blue eyes and sunny afternoon and golden hair in the sunlight. Tony shakes it off, he has a short attention span , he needs to work on it, he knows that. _Focus on Pepper, focus on Pepper_.

 

She's speaking and her words take a bit of time sinking into his brain, and why can't he focus on her ? Why does he keep seeing blue eyes that are not hers and blonde hair that are not hers either and why does he feel heavy in his chest all of sudden ? He hasn't felt like that in a long time, and he deeply wishes that the memory would just leave.

 

“Pep, would you date me ?” He blurts out and it's an unconcious though, one that slips, one that leaves his mouth before he can properly grasp at the idea.

 

But then it's too late, because Pepper is crying and he doesn't know why and he's hugging her and he hears her whisper _yes_ while he pets her hair and he can't help but feel like he's done a big mistake.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :) and let me know what you think :)  
> Love always <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, I don't know how to write war scenes? Unrf, I hope this was okay !  
> Enjoy the chapter!

**xi**. _peripeteia // a chain of events happening after one another._

 

_December 2000_

 

Steve fires again at his opponent before ducking to avoid a knife thrown at him. An ambush, that's what it was. They were travelling, a simple get away mission, a village had been attacked and they had finally stopped the iraqi to bomb the poor little town, but it was an ambush. As soon as Steve's team got there, they had been attacked by a group of iraqi. Steve can't see, can't hear anything anything, the dust and smoke and occasional bombing keep him from seeing anyone of his team and he has a gut feeling that something is about to go wrong. He runs towards his opponents, hoping somehow that if he takes a few of them down, then his team will be safer. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees someone about to launch a missile with a bazooka. He doesn't even have the time to scream because he's pushed, and there's no ground underneath his feet and there's only air and he sees brown eyes and dark hair and a flash of red and gold before black surrounds him.

 

His ribs hurt, and his face is full of sand and it takes him a moment to realize he's laying on the ground. Something hurts on his chest but he's not sure he wants to know the reason why. He tries to stand up but the pain on his ribs keeps him stuck on the ground. He uses his elbow for leverage to see ; there's smoke everywhere, and there's a defeaning sound keeping him from hearing anything. He scans the area and he notices a body mass, not so far away ; he tries to get up again, but he hisses once more and he looks down for a second and he sees blood on his sides, but he can't care at this moment, he needs to know this person is one of his friend, that they're alive, that they're safe, all of them.

He decides on crawling, but even then, he hurs but he can't stop when he's so close, he's closer and he recognizes Bucky's side face, but something is missing. As he crawls closer to his friend, Steve realizes that Bucky is alive but he has blood near his mouth and Steve is finally next to him and he's tired, so exhausted, and he puts a hand on Bucky's chest, tries to listen for any sign that he is breathing. He tries to ignore the emptiness where his left arm used to be, and he shakes Bucky and his friend groans in pain and Steve smiles because a groan is better than nothing at all.

 

“Bucky ! Buck, listen ! Listen, you have to stay with me !”

 

Bucky groans again and his head falls to the side, and Steve grabs his face with both of his hands and _god_ , it hurts to even tries to sit up but he has to because if he doesn't , Bucky is going to black out and then anything can happen, and Steve can't lose him, he can't lose Bucky too.

 

“Bucky, please, stay with me ! Please, keep your eyes open !”

 

Bucky groans, but there's a hint of a nod and Steve feels it between his hands, and he tries to look around but there's no one, nothing but smoke and dust and dying fires.

 

“I am gonna take you out of here, Buck, I'll get you out I promise !”

 

Steve promises but he doesn't know if he'll keep it true, but he hopes , he hopes that he does get Bucky and himself out of there, he hopes that his team is safe and that they're all somewhere safe. He forgets about his pain as he sits up ; it's easier said than done, his ribs are poking out of his sides he's sure, but Bucky is more important, Bucky's life is more important and he grabs Bucky under his arms – _arm_ , because there's only one, and he sees Bucky's face flinch and Steve whispers _it's okay_ , and takes a few steps but he can't, he can't because it hurts too much. The pain is everywhere now, and he falls to the ground and drags Bucky with him and he feels hot stream leaking out of his eyes, and he's letting the pain surround him. He's reaching for Bucky with his arm but he can't feel his friend and he's too tired to try harder. Strength is leaving him and he feels a bitterness at the back of his throat and his chest shakes wih sobs because he doesn't want to die like this. He wanted to serve his country, do the right thing, but dying wasn't a part of the agreement – but it was, wasn't it ? Death is a unstable variable of the war equation and Steve is a fool to think it could have been erased as easily.

He closes his eyes and thinks about Tony, his bestfriend, his brother. The word doesn't seem as nice as it used to, and Steve is not sure why it doesn't exactly, but it's not important. He wishes that he could have said goodbye to Tony before dying. A proper goodbye, to erase the memory of that stupid fight they had the day before he left. But it's too late now and his chance of coming home to Tony has gone to waste a long time ago now. So he lets the pain take over and the darkness swallow him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to kill me, it's okay. I want to as well.  
> Let me know wha you think


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am gonna try and write more, but I can't freaking write chapters where they're not together , like????? I don't know, it always turns out super short and bad and ugh!  
> But, they'll meet again soon, I promise!

**xii**. _sprezzatura // a studied carelessness_

 

Tony adjusts his watch on his hand for the hundredth time in the last five minutes ; he sort of loathes all this shows and presentations but it's necessary , he knows that. But he doesn't know why, he's not feeling well tonight, he's not feeling like everything is fine ; he's been feeling like this for quite a while now, but he brushes it off. He doesn't like to dwelve on things, that's just not how he is. He can hear the crowd, the screams and cheers and whistles and it brings him back to years ago, when he was standing behind a high school crowd and his bestfriend was giving a graduation speech. He remembers that it was Steve's day, Steve's moment ; he remembers every word of Steve's speech, every single word comitted to memory. He also remembers their fight, how Steve fought back, how Steve for the first time challenged him. No, that's wrong, Tony shakes his head at the thought ; Steve _always_ challenges him, always keeps Tony on his toes, and Tony misses that, misses Steve.

 

“Tony, you're to go in 2 !”

 

Someone talks to him, and Tony nods, standing up sraight now, he fixes his watch once more and adjust his tie. He turns around, and he can see Pepper's red hair in the back of the sage ; she's talking to one of the crew manager and he's moving her hands and she's probably explaining how she wants the show to go. She's a handful this woman, she's incredibly strong, and Tony admires and respects her so much for that. He can't believe she's with a man like him, she must be crazy he thinks. He's watching her when two strong hands are gripping on his shoulder and Tony _almost_ jumps.

 

“Do us proud, son.”

 

Obadiah is right next to his ear and Tony wants to tell him to go, leave, and never come back , but he can't because without him his company would lose most of its fundings and Tony needs it. He's working on something on new, something that will make him able to buy most of Stane's share in the company but it's taking a bit more time than planned. That annoys him, and he's not know for his patience but it'll come. He wants to wipe off the word son out of Obadiah's mouth, but he does nothing.

 

Tony smirks, his infamous Tony Stark smirk, and answers _always_ before heading on the stage. As soon as he steps in front of the crowd, it goes wild and he bows a few times before people calms down.

 

“Thank you !” Tony starts as extends both of his arms in the crowd's direction. “ Thank you so much for being here tonight with me ! It's an honor and a pleasure to be here and share this beauiful evening with you ! Now, a lot of people would say that this is just a show, another thing to throw people off. They may be right. But it's not true, it's not all of it.”

 

Tony likes walking on the stage, likes walking as he talks, he doesn't like to stay still, the only times he can are when he's working on a new project, but even then, it's his mind that can't stop.

 

“I'd like to be honest with you tonight. I like to build things, I like to take a screwdriver and start making something. There's nothing better for me than creating something out of your own hands. And there's nothing better than to give it to other people and see their faces light up when you do. And that is why I decided that for the start of the new year , Stark Industries will now not only fund foster care homes and orphanages but also hospitals and veteran homes providing them with new health supplies and high technology prosthetics !”

 

His announcement is followed by applause and whistle and Tony grins at them and waits for the cheerfulness to die a little before continuing.

 

“And to end this and let you enjoy the rest of this night, I would like to thank all the soldiers that protect our country day and night and fight so we get the chance to have another safe night in our homes. Now, let's have a wonderful night ! Thank you once again !”

 

Tony sends his usual peace sign and flashes go off and he bows before escaping the stage. Pepper is waiting for him and he skips, runs to her and he immediately wraps his arms around her and presses his lips to hers and she smiles into the kiss a little and Tony likes her lips, because they're soft and always warm and he feels a pain around his ribs but he brushes it off. He parts from her and smiles at her.

 

“Do you want to leave and have dinner somewhere secret ?” he whispers against her lips.

 

“Yes” she sighs and she kisses him this time and Tony smiles too, because everything is quite alright. If you forget about the pain in his ribs that's bothering him, then, it's quite alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think!  
> Love always :)  
> Question : What is your favorite song ? the one you always listen when you need a proper moment to yourself, what is it?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning : This fiction will mention PTSD and other mental illnesses so if you feel triggered by these, no worries, I will a warning before each chapter to let you know.  
> Hope you enjoy the chapter, loads of love !

**xiii**. _contrition // sincere penitence or remorse_

 

_April 2002_

 

“And for your bravery, Captain Rogers.” Colonel Thomas said as he stuck the pin to Steve's vest. “Your strength and dedication towards the protection of our dear country will always be appreciated.”

 

“Thank you Sir.” Steve says as he nods at his superior.

 

“We hope this won't be the last we see of you, Captain.”

 

“If a fight strikes, I will be here to protect my country sir.”

 

Colonel Thomas smiles and nods at Steve before heading over to the next person in line. Steve feels a weight where the pin lies but he doesn't show his discomfort ; he wonders if all the other soldiers, some of them newly named Lieutenant or Captain or even Major , feels the same as him. They're getting a medal, a simple pin , for something as big as bravery or honnor and it seems all fake to him. He doesn't think that a medal can represent everything that you have to do at war, all the sacrifices that you make, all the horror that you see or experience, it can't just be symbolised by a medal.

 

He slightly turns towards the little crowd that is attending the ceremony – it's kind of like a graduation ceremony, but Steve didn't feel so nervous at his graduation – and he spots Bucky, and Sam, and Clint, and he is surprised to see Peggy here as well. Her presence warms his heart and the weight of the pin seems to be lifted just the littlest bit.

 

“Now, gentlemen, in unison.”

 

Steve focuses again on his task, he puts his right hand on his chest, near his heart, and starts singing the national anthem. After this, all the soldiers and the few people in the crowd departs the room. As soon as he's outside, he's met by a pair of strong arms.

 

“Congratulations man !”

 

“Thanks Buck.” Steve whispers in his bestfriend's hair. He tries to not focus on the coldness of Bucky's metal arm around him, but he knows that this feeling will never go away. He's responsible, he knows that ; if he had seen the bazooka sooner, he could have done something, he could have done anything. And now Bucky is missing an arm, and Sam lost his bestfriend, and half of his friends are dead, how's that for bravery ?

 

He steps away from Bucky's embrace and greets Sam and the rest of his friends. He hugs Peggy and she hugs him so tight, the pin on his chest gets close to his skin, but her arms are tight around him, he can't really move.

 

“I am so proud of you, Steve.” She says once she lets him go.

 

“We all are.” Bucky says.

 

“Thought you'd stop after the first one, but no, you had to go again and make us proud again !” Clint says, playfulness clear in his voice.

 

Steve tries to smile, tries to make it look as real as possible but something stops him from doing so. He didn't go on a second tour to make anyone proud, that wasn't his intention. Memories come rushing to him, and he's feeling on the edge and he could use a drink or two right now but he hasn't drunk any alcohol in a year, not even when they finished their tours.

He listens as the group talks about going back to New York now that the ceremony is over ; Steve agrees, he doesn't have anything better to do so he says yes and tags along. He stays quiet during the ride ; he's riding with Bucky. Steve tries, he's really trying to not stare at Bucky's metal arm, but every time a ray of sunlight would settle on the metal, it would make it all shiny and catch Steve's eyes. It drives him mad, and he almost wants to ask if he can drive but the metal arm would still be there anyway and there's nothing he can do about it.

 

Bu he needs to take off the uneasiness of the situation, he needs to speak up, to say something. There's still time before they get to his place, to Steve's new place – the army settled it for him, perks of being a distinguished Captain - , he's lucky they got him a place in Brooklyn, he hasn't been to his hometown in years, and he's missed it.

 

“Do you want to come and have dinner with us tomorrow night ? You still haven't met Tasha , she's dying to meet you. ”

 

Steve considers the idea for a moment ; he's heard about Natasha from Bucky already ; they met after the .. _incident_ in Iraq , after Bucky came home and Steve went back, even though his ribs weren't fully recovered and his scars weren't completely healed.

 

“Sure.”

 

“We need to get you a phone too.”

 

“Why ?”

 

“It comes handy.”

 

“Okay.”

 

He doesn't have anything else to say, he wants to ask about the metal arm. He only saw Bucky once after the surgery and even then, he didn't have the metal arm. He wants to know how it feels, if it's like his real arm, if he feels things, he wants to know if Bucky is alright, wants to know if he has dreams about that day again like Steve does. But he doesn't, he doesn't speak up again, and Bucky doesn't either, and the rest of the drive is quiet.

 

Steve fishes out the keys that he was given and opens the door. He puts his duffel bag on the floor, next to the door, and has a look around. It's nice, it's a very nice place ; there's two bedrooms , one bathroom and a large open kitchen and living room, and he hasn't seen all the rooms yet but that's what they showed him and he's going to be there for quite some time so he might as well adjust to it.

 

“Wow, they treat you fine.” Bucky says.

 

Steve turns to him , he's in the open kitchen while Steve is in the living room ; Steve can't help but compare this little flat to the Stark mansion. He tries not to, but it's almost inevitable ; the Stark mansion was his home for four years, he has good and bad memories there, it was what he called home for a long time, but now it's over. This flat is going to be home now, whether he likes it or not.

 

“Do you want me to stay ? I could help you get settled.”

 

“It's okay, Bucky.”

 

“You sure ? I could..”

 

“I am going to be fine.”

 

He uses his Captain's voice and he sees a sudden stiff movement in Bucky's shoulders, just like when they served together ; Steve wants to smile at the memory, he remembers when he and Bucky first met, at the training bootcamp, when he was still a 16 years old skinny kid and Bucky was already a very toned and handsome boy. He was the one who helped Steve gain muscle mass and the one who stood up for Steve most of the time, they hadn't served in the same unit at first but then, once Steve saved them and his other friends, they had been inseparable. Steve missed those days, days of happiness and laughter between tours, where they were all safe, all happy, where they were all still together.

 

But this was another time, and he knows it's all his doing that most of them are gone or are missing a limb, the only thing he can do is mourn and dwelve on his guilt, let the remorse kill him until there's nothing left of him.

 

 

It's 3 a.m when he wakes up, and he's sweaty and his breathing is shallow and heavy and he falls off the bed and he goes to a corner, his body shaking. It takes him a bit of time to realize where he is, that he's not in Iraq, that the smoke is gone, that Bucky is safe, that he's safe. His fingers reach for the bedside lamp and he switches it on, and _yes, it's better_ , he thinks, and he touches his sides, and no, no blood, no pain , and he's in New York, in Brooklyn, in his new apartment. _I'm okay, I'm home,_ he thinks, and he repeats the words over and over again until he's drunk on them and his mind fall into slumber.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated ! :)  
> Love always :)  
> P-S : Who has seen Edge of Winter? Tom speaking french is probably my new kind of aesthetic! Give it a watch if you haven't yet :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And in the funny people squad, I'd like .. -drumroll- RHODEY! YAY! I actually really love Rhodey haha :)  
> Btw, who's your otp ? Doesn't have to be marvel related. Mine is Ron/Hermione because I am a hardcore Potterhead.  
> Anyway, Enjoy the chapter :)

**xvi. _masquerade_**

 

 

Tony smiles as his fingers trace the embroided details of his mother's favorite chair. Red and gold, her favorite colors , his too, and he remembers all the nights where she used to sit in this same chair and read her favorite books. He goes over to the piano, and the keyboard feels the same as it did all those years ago. He hasn't played in years either, doesn't have the time, he's too busy to do the things he used to enjoy nowadays. His company is expanding fast, so fast, _too fast_ , that even he can't sometimes keep up, but it's good, of course it's good, it brings attention, all kind of attention. The media and journalists and paparazzis are always on his tail, and it's always been like this, he's a prince after all, and when you have blue blood in your veins , attention is to be expected.

He remembers his boarding school, how the other boys used to call him Prince Stark to mock him ; he would always brush it off, he learned how to develop an iron skin through the years.

 

“Hey, found what you were looking for ?”

 

He turns around and he sees Rhodey coming into the room, he's thankful Rhodey is here, he's not sure he would have been able to come here if he had been completely alone.

 

“Not yet.”

 

Tony takes a few steps away from the piano and stares out the window, at the backyard garden. He smiles as memories comes rushing to the surface ; winter holidays spent outside playing in this backyard with Steve. Tony smiles when he remembers snowball fights with his bestfriend, when they would lay in the snow and carve angels with their legs and arms and how they would chase eachother as the snow kept falling, covering them in sweet white foam, and summer holidays where they would lay on the grass and point out weird shaped cloud to one another. He remembers when there had been too much snow though and how he and Steve used sit in this same library and Steve would draw and Tony would do equations and it would be quiet but they never needed to talk to be happy with eachother.

 

“That's a nice garden.”

 

Rhodey is next to him and Tony nods.

 

“We used to spend all our holidays down in this backyard.”

 

“Who's _we_  ?”

 

“My bestfriend and I.” The words are heavy on his tongue, and Tony feels heavy as he speaks them.

 

“You had a bestfriend before me ? Woh, I feel hurt.” Rhodey teases and Tony bumps their shoulders together. “ Where is he now ? You never mentioned him before.”

 

Tony shrugs, he doesn't have an answer to this question, he doesn't know where Steve is, if Steve is alive - he likes to think that if something happened to Steve, he would be the first person to be informed though – but, hey , no news, good news, right ?

 

“I don't know. Still at war probably.”

 

“I could ask around if you want me to.”

 

“No.” Tony shakes his head. “ He probably forgot about me already.”

 

“How could anyone forget about your bashful and quiet self ?” Rhodey says and Tony gives him a look and they're both laughing then, laughing like crazy. Tony can't imagine himself ever being timid or shy, that's just not a part of who he is.

 

“Okay, okay, I get it, I'm an awful shit-show !” Tony jokes, and it's meant as a joke, but it's quite true, he thinks. Everything he does feels like a show, like a masquerade, like he's wearing a mask all the time and he doesn't remember the last time he didn't hide what he truly felt.

 

“That you are ! But it's alright, we still love you !”

 

Tony chuckles, the words sound right to his ears, and he wants to believe Rhodey, but how could they love him when he's not really being himself ?

 

“Okay, enough joking around ! I might head towards where my mother kept her jewelry, there might be an engagement ring there.”

 

“Show the way.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh, is this real? Is he going to pop the question? Is he? Is he not? omg omg omg !! suspense! (k time to stop )  
> Bw, HUGE THANK YOU to everyone reading this story, like seriously, you're all fantastic and I hope you get all the love in the world because you deserve it kiddos ! I am surely sending out love to all of you!  
> Let me know what you think ! Love always :)  
> (reunionchaptersoonbye)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooooo people !  
> So here's a chapter for you, hope you enjoy it :)!  
> And yay NAT ! *starts chanting* NATASHA NATASHA NATASHA. I'm such a black widow trash really. I wish they had given her more importance in MCU and not reduced her as this woman looking for a relationship in AoU ... Anyway haha x)  
> Long live BuckyNat !  
> Enjoy the chapie !

**xv**. _dysania // finding it extremely hard to get up in the morning_

 

 

Steve opens his eyes and he immediately shuts them back ; the few rays of sun hitting his skin is enough to make him turn around. He groans as he puts the sheets over his head. He doesn't want to get up, he doesn't know what time it is, nor does he want to. He doesn't have anything to do today, no one to fight against, nobody to protect, so he can stay here all day. That's what he thinks, that's what he intends to do, but Steve soon realizes that the sun isn't the reason he's awake.

 

_Knock. Knock._

 

Steve's eyes open again, and he groans again. He ponders not getting up for a moment, and let whoever is knocking on the door realizes that there's no one here and that they should leave then Steve can just sleep all day like he has planned to. But the knocking doesn't stop , and it's starting to get on Steve's nerves so he gets out of bed ; he doesn't even bother on putting on a shirt, just stays in sweatpants as he storms out of his room to yell at the person behind the door.

 

“What ?!”

 

His anger dies down a littlewhen he sees Bucky frowning in front of him with two bags in his hands, it's not entirely gone ; he's still mad that he's awake at.. what time is it even ? He doesn't know, but he's pissed.

 

“I've come bearing gifts ?” It comes out as a question and Bucky raises an eyebrow, and Steve sighs.

 

“Sorry, Buck. I had a rough night.” He steps away and lets Bucky in.

 

“Nightmares again ?” Bucky asks as he comes in and drops his bags on the kitchen isle.

 

The fact that Bucky says _again_ makes Steve winces and how does he know ? How could Bucky possibly know that Steve had nightmares before ? Sure, they're friends, close to bestfriends, but Bucky hasn't been around Steve long enough to know about Steve's recurrent nightmares. Steve doesn't realize that he's been staring at Bucky with a questionning look for a few minutes. Bucky notices though, and he shrugs.

 

“We all have them, you don't have to pretend like you don't.”

 

“I don't have nightmares.” Steve says immediately.

 

Bucky looks at him, really looks at him, and it brings them back to the first time they met at bootcamp ; Steve had just turned 17, and had gotten into his first fight with taller boys when Bucky got him out of the brawl in litterally five seconds. Bucky had given him the same look and Steve had just stared right back at the older boy ; but he was a different Steve then, less experienced, braver, stronger and less broken.

 

“If you say so.” Bucky answers with an eyeroll. He takes a box out of one of the bags. “ Here, that's a gift, courtesy of Tasha.”

 

Steve takes the little box that Bucky hands him, and there's nothing written on it, and it's a plain white box and Steve examines it carefully, even shakes it, and Bucky sighs – _it's not a bomb, jesus_ – and Steve bites his bottom lip when he opens it. There's a device in it, he takes it in his hands and the device is nothing like anything he's come in contact before, it's light, and it's only a small clear glass-like rectangle and when he glides his finger over the material, it lights up and Steve jumps and numbers and colourful images appears and Bucky is slightly laughing in the corner.

 

“It's a phone, Nat' works for this very big company and they're pretty good at what they do technology-wise. I swear Steve, they have this whole range of electronics device that is just _amazing_ and it's so innovative and it's -”

 

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot that you were a nerd.”

 

Bucky glares at him but doesn't argue ; it's true, he knows. Steve remembers when at bootcamp while he would be reading books or drawing, Bucky would be reading about the latest invention or the latest science theory or the latest published space book .

 

“Yeh well, she got you a phone that's _not even_ released yet, so you should feel special.”

 

“I do. I really do.” Steve says, delicately putting the phone on the counter. “How can I thank her ?”

 

“That's up to her, I guess, but yeh, the dinner at ours tomorrow night will settle it probably.”

 

“Alright then. What's in the other bag ?”

 

“Curious, aren't we ?” Bucky teases and Steve sighs. “ It's food, I figured you didn't have any groceries. By the way, we're going grocery shopping this afternoon. I don't want you starving to death a week after you got back.”

 

Steve smiles and he mentally thanks Bucky for being so kind ; he's truly a great friend, and if Steve didn't have the bestfriend spot already taken, he would surely wrote Bucky's name there.

 

 

 

The next evening, he's standing behind Bucky's door. He's been standing there for the past five minutes, trying to collect his breathing. He had trouble getting out of bed this morning, much like yesterday, all he wanted to do was sleep, and that's all he did today, until he realized that if he didn't get up, he would surely sleep until tomorrow. He's about to knock when the door suddenly opens and he's surprised and he has his fist raised and there's a short red haired woman smiling at him and Steve tries a smile that he hopes looks good.

 

“I thought I heard something ! I'm Natasha, you can call me Nat though.” The woman , Natasha, says.

 

“I'm Steve.” He says, extending his free hand, which she shakes. “These are for you.” he adds, handing the bouquet of red dahlia.

 

“Oh, a true gentlemen, thank you !” She says as she humms their fragrance. “ Come in, please.”

 

Steve nods at her and he hears steps and a few minutes later, he sees Bucky coming out of a room. At his sight, Bucky grins and he crosses the space between them in no-time before he brings Steve into a bone-crushing hug. Steve would lie if he said he doesn't make him happy. He hugs Bucky back and they hold eachother for a few minutes before Natasha has to tear them apart in her own special way.

 

“If you want a room, you can use ours. But please change the sheets after.”

 

Steve's eyes widen and Bucky laughs ; the older man shakes his head and plants a kiss on his girlfriend's lips.

 

“I only have eyes for you, you know that.” he says.

 

“You better.” Natasha answers, smirking.

 

Steve feels a pang in his chest as he looks at them, he could have had that, had he not gone on 3 tours, he could have had a someone to come home to by now, he could have had a life already in motion. But no, no, this just isn't how it was supposed to be for him.

 

“Come on, I think dinner's ready.” Natasha speaks up and she goes to put the flowers in a vase.

 

 

Later that night, after Steve is full on _coulibiac_ – it turns out, you _can't_ say no to Natasha when she's asking you if you want a third serving, she has her way of making people do what she wants, Bucky calls it her secret power – and they find themselves lounging in the living, Natasha asks him a question.

 

“So Steve, do you have anything planned for the future ?”

 

She's on Bucky's lap, they're in a loveseat, Steve thinks this should be a picture, a massive lifesize painting hung on the wall ; they look so perfect, so happy with eachother, the way they look at eachother, the way they move with eachother , Steve feels jealous of that in a certain way.

 

“I'm not sure. I haven't laid out all my options yet.”

 

“That's understandable. Just so you know, I'm more than willing to ask at my office to see if there's a spot available.”

 

“Love, I don't think this is a good idea.” Bucky speaks up, and he's sitting up, and the movement almost makes Natasha fall but he catches her, and Steve frowns because, a new job might be what he needs, so why is Bucky so reluctant on this idea ?

 

“I'm sure Steve can decide for himself.” Natasha says, turning to him.

 

“That's correct.” Steve agrees and he mimicks the smirk Natasha is sporting herself. “ But I think that I'll just wait a little bit before I decide anything.”

 

“Everything on your own terms, blondie.”

 

Steve raises an eyebrow at the nickname ; he decides he likes Natasha. He likes that she's a strong character, she's very proud he found out, she takes initiatives and he likes that about people, and he likes her, likes that someone like her is with someone like Bucky. They're good with eachother, they compliment eachother he can see that, and he hopes deep inside of him that one day, he finds someone that completes him just as well.

 

“How do you feel about a party ?” Natasha suddenly questions.

 

“A party ?”

 

Steve looks up, and he sees Bucky clenching his jaw, and he wonders what's the matter.

 

“My boss is throwing this party for her engagement in two days. It's a small dinner party really, there's only going to be ten people at most, but it could be nice for you to make new acquaintances.”

 

“Nat..” Bucky's voice trails off and it's a warning of some sort and Steve really wonders what's going on.

 

“Hum, I'm not sure..” Steve says, and he sees Bucky's stiffness leave but it's back in a second once his girlfriend talks again.

 

“Think of it as a thank you.” She says, and she's tilting her head, and oh, it's a move, Steve realizes this too late though, because now, it's on, and she's using the debt card and it's a card that always works , especially on Steve.

 

“Fine. But I won't stay long. I'm not much into parties.”

 

“It's okay, it's enough for me.” Natasha smiles, and she's won, she has a victory smile on her face and it reminds Steve of someone but he can't quite pinpoint now.

 

And when he gets home later that night, and he's finally in bed, between his sheets, he's alone but he's content, because he's finally in bed, and that's all he's really been looking forward as soon as he left his apartment, to be back in bed and sleep. But there's something in the pit of his stomach that keeps him from falling asleep right away ; he's not sure what it is, it's a warm, hot feeling, and his fingers tingle and his heart beats a little faster and the reason is unknown and Steve tosses and turns for a couple of hours in the dark before sleep finally settles into his body, though his mind is filled of brown hair and dust and red and gold and smoke and fire and blood and smile and cold hands in a windy winter evening.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo who's excited ? :) :) :) :) :) :)  
> Let me know what you think !  
> Love always


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo.. Enjoy :)!

**xvi**. _clarity_

 

“Dude, relax, seriously, you're almost stressing me out.”

 

Tony turns to Rhodey and glares at him, but the colonel doesn't glare back ; it is an understatement to say that Tony is a ball of nerves, he has already changed his outfit four times and he's constantly picking on his hair. Rhodey finds the little scene amusing, but he knows that Tony is not just nervous. Rhodey is happy for him, happy that Tony finally crossed the line and decided to settle down, especially with a woman like Pepper. She is very clever, and she's good to him, she knows how to handle Tony's little scenes and his crazy, inventive, always on edge, mind , eventhough she can't really stops him, but then Rhodey doesn't think anyone can.

 

“Are you sure it's alright ?” Tony asks for the umptenth time.

 

“ _Yes._ ” Rhodey sighs once again. “ Look, she loves you, how weird that is anyway, and it's just a dinner party, right ? It's small and fancy, but small.”

 

“Yeh, I know but.. I don't know, I want everything to be perfect for some reason.” Tony admits.

 

“It's normal, it's your engagement, hopefully the first _and_ the last one.” Rhodey jokes but Tony doesn't laugh and he's so nervous, his heart is beating so fast in his chest, he feels like it's going to jump out of it at any second. His hands are sweaty, and his mind is racing and he needs to do something, build something, hat's how he deals with stress but he can't, he can't right now. He has a party to attend and to host and everything is so nerve-wracking.

 

“Hey, it'll be alright, everything will be great, okay ? You're going to be great, Pepper is going to be great too, and you two make a great couple, so it's all going to be fine. Okay ?”

 

Tony listens to Rhodey and tries, really tries to believe him, and he doesn't have any other choice. He's already late, he thinks. And it's his private mansion, and he can arrive at the party whenever he wants but Pepper specifically mentionned that they arrive at the same time on the top of the stairs, and she is probably going to kill him when she sees the horrendous outfit he's wearing in his opinion.

 

“Maybe, I could change one last time..”

 

“I swear if you change _again,_ I'll kill you.”

 

Rhodey glares at him and it doesn't help Tony on calming his nerves, but Tony nods and takes in a deep breath.

 

“Yeh, I can do it. I am amazing and awesome and super clever. I can do this.”

 

“That's my boy !” Rhodey gives him a good pat on the shoulder that makes Tony stumble and Rhodey catches him and they both laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. A year ago, Tony had no idea he would be here tonight, about to announce his engagement to a wonderful woman to a bunch of people he barely cared about, but here he is.

 

 

When he sees Pepper, she's on the other side of the stairs, and Tony thinks _gorgeous_ , she's wearing a drapé kind of dress , and the color is a sparkling rose gold and Tony has never been into fashion that much, only cares when he has to wear something to a very fancy event but he's going to make sure to thank whoever created the dress, because _wow_. She smiles when she sees him and Tony sighs in contentment, because if she wants to be with him, then he must be a good person. They close the space between eachother and Tony links their hands, and he's happy, he's very happy in this particular moment, but still, something is tying his stomach into knots, and he blames it on the nerves but there's something else.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the fiancés !” Tony hears Rhodey say and they're making their way down the stairs and everyone is clapping and Tony can only look at Pepper and she's smiling at everyone and he's so happy, he's so so _so_ happy, and they're at the bottom now and it's perfect and everything is just-

 

The main door to his mansion opens, making everyone stop clapping. _Oh, what now ?_ Tony thinks and he's groaning in frustration because everything was going perfectly and now, now, who even dares to come late to this ?

Suddenly, he sees a red haired woman with two tall men by her sides, and Tony freezes.

 

“Oh Natasha, I'm so glad you made it !”

 

Tony hears Pepper speak and she's moving next to him, but Tony can't think straight, he can't, because it's him. It's him, Tony hasn't seen him in years – seven years and eleven months and twelve hours ; he's a scientist, he keeps records on _everything_ \- , but he knows it's him. He'll recognize those blue eyes everywhere and it's crazy because what, how, why ? And he has so many questions but he doesn't know where to begin. And everything is clear in his mind ; he feels calm now, all of his nerves are gone and his stomach isn't in knots anymore, and his skin no longer tingles nor itches. And that's how it's always been really, he realizes, there's always been a sense of calm, peace, clarity when it comes to being around his bestfriend, and Steve is here after all, right now, in front of him, and he forgets about everything else around him, only focuses on Steve, and that's all his mind sees.

_Steve. Steve. Steve._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha.. Who wants to kill me yet ? ( it's okay I want to kill my writing self too)  
> Let me know what you think !


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So double update, because I'm not home tomorrow, and I'll only get to write on Saturday probably so .. here's what happens next for you! :)  
> Enjoy and let me know what you think :)

**xvii**. _together_

 

 

“ I am so so sorry, Natasha, I really am, I -..”

 

“Stop apologizing, and walk faster.”

 

Steve doesn't answer as he follows Bucky and Natasha up the never-ending stone staircases outside the mansion. Steve hadn't really understood when Natasha had said dinner party, meaning he had to dress up right, the consequence being they spent one hour trying to find him a suit in Bucky's wardrobe that would fit him. Steve has broader shoulders than the older one, so finding a fitting shirt had been a problem, and he feels it now, as he's running up the stairs, and he can feel the little buttons about to pop and he hopes they don't, because that would be inappropriate and make him feel even more anxious than he does right now.

 

When they reach the top of the stairs, Steve stops for a brief moment to take it all in, they just ran up an unknown number of stairs and they're surrounded by a wonderful garden ; Steve remembers the Stark mansion then and can't help but compare the two locations. He wonders who lives here, who's rich enough to afford this kind of place. As he turns back around to Bucky and Natasha, who's currently destroying the doorbell, he sees Bucky's heavy gaze on him.

 

“What is it ?” Steve whispers to his friend.

 

He can feel that something is wrong, he can see Bucky's tension in his shoulders, and the fact that he's standing up straight, that he seems alert, like he's about to go on the battlefield, Steve frowns.

 

“Buck..”

 

“Oh fuck, let's go in.”

 

Natasha opens the doors and Bucky grabs Steve's arm and starts to speak but then bright lights are blinding them and Bucky's words are stuck on his tongue and Steve takes a few steps and they both follow Natasha into the mansion and, oh.

_Oh._

Steve is frozen in his spot as he meets Tony's eyes, and oh, _oh_ , Steve feels his heart skipping a beat or two, and he's suddenly almost suffocating and he sees a woman next to him, and she's pretty, and their hands are linked and oh, _oh_.

 

“Oh Natasha, I'm so glad you made it !”

 

The woman, she's beautiful and tall, taller than Natasha but barely really, and Steve looks at her and she has pretty hair, a nice strawberry blonde, and they're curly and he's trying to not see the diamong ring on her finger and she's turning to him and Bucky and oh, she's talking, she's talking to him.

 

“Good evening, I'm Pepper, and you two must be Natasha's friends. It's very nice to meet you.” she says, as she shakes Bucky's hand and now his.

 

“I'm the boyfriend. James Barnes.” Bucky says.

 

“Steve Rogers, I'm just a friend.” Steve shakes her hand and she's smiling at them and Steve doesn't know why he feels so anxious, why as he watches her talking with Natasha, he feels so nervous. He tries a look towards Tony and, and-

 

And maybe, he shouldn't have, maybe he should have just looked at the ceiling or Bucky or maybe he shouldn't have come altogether, because Tony is staring right back at him and something happens then. Steve feels butterflies being released in his stomach and _where did this come from_ he thinks, and he wants to go and talk to Tony, because he needs to talk to Tony, but Bucky is dragging him away, in a corner and Steve can't see Tony anymore and they're too far away and Steve is trying to get away but Bucky stops him.

 

“Hey, kid, calm down.”

 

Steve's eyes finally settles on Bucky, and his friend is frowning at him, and Steve doesn't bother to ask why he's frowning ; he doesn't want to talk to Bucky right now, he wants this conversation to be as short as possible, just so he can go and find Tony and talk - and hug too.

 

“Steve listen, I.. I am sorry I didn't tell you Natasha worked for Stark Industries. I knew that you and this guy have history but I am just trying to look out for you okay ? I mean, you had a panic attack over the guy, and don't tell-.. Steve , are you listening ?”

 

“Yeh yeh.” Steve answers but he's lying, he's not really listening, he hears the words but he's not registering them. “Look, we'll talk later !”

 

Steve pats Bucky on the arm before he goes off in the massive room. In other circumstances, he would have stepped back for a minute to embrace the beauty of the place but now, he's on a mission. He's looking around, searching for Tony, for his bestfriend. He can't see Tony anywhere, and he's about to go outside when a voice stops him.

 

“You've grown up, boy.”

 

Steve turns around, and stops himself from hitting the man in the face ; he remembers how Obadiah Stane was the one who took Tony away from him in the first place, keeping the two boys apart when they needed eachother the most, and Steve hasn't let that go , isn't letting this go.

 

“As everyone.” Steve answers, and he's using his Captain voice, and he's standing up straight. He's taller now, stronger, he's not the young scared grieving boy anymore.

 

“How have things turned out for you, son ?” Obadiah asks, and Steve doesn't miss the smirk on his face.

 

“I'm not your son.” Steve snaps at the old man, and Obadiah raises an eyebrow and for a moment, the two only glare at eachother.

 

Steve wants nothing more than to yell at him, scream at the man, he wants to puch him until he's just blood and bruises but no, he can't, because this is not the place, nor the time.

 

“I've kept a look on you. The army certainly did some good to your..” Obadiah nods toward Steve's muscular body. “..figure. Heard you were a captain now. Bravery medal and all. Congratulations.”

 

Steve can't handle it anymore ; he hates knowing that a man like Obadiah Stane looked into his life and has kept a record on him. It drives Steve insane, and if he doesn't get out of here in the next second, he's going to blow up.

 

“Will you excuse me.”

 

Steve turns around and walks towards the exit ; it's not the same one he came in, but he doesn't really care, he just need to get out. He walks through the doors and finds himself in a garden. It's a windy evening and he's feeling quite cold even with his suit jacket, and he's closing his eyes, trying to breathe properly and let the anger die down. God, he hopes one day he gets to punch Stane in the face, that'd make him happy.

 

“Well, this is awkward.”

 

Steve turns around and there he is, there is Tony. Steve lets out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding, and he smiles, because he found him, he found Tony, he found his bestfriend. And he's handsome, Steve thinks, he's gorgeous in his dark grey suit and white shirt, and his tie is off and Steve wonders why, why Tony is outside instead of by his fiancé's side. Oh, yes, it's an engagement party, _Tony's_ engagement party and how ironical that they have to meet when Tony is engaged and Steve is lost within himself.

 

“Don't you recognize me or.. ?”  
  
Tony speaks up again and Steve realizes that he hasn't said a word, and he's standing there like a fool, and he has so much to say, but he doesn't know where to start, his mind is a mess, a giant mess of brown eyes and red and gold and forgotten promises and blue eyes and space filled with childish smiles and afternoons spent drawing and creating and it's a lot and not enough at the same time.  
  
“No, I do, I just.. Hi.”  
  
Tony smiles and it's a bright smile and it lights up Steve's world entirely, and he smiles too because what else can I do ?  
  
“Hey stranger.” Tony says. “ What are you doing here ?”

 

“Taking some air.” Steve answers and it's not a complete lie, but it's not the whole truth. “ And you ? It's your engagement party after all, you should be celebrating with your fiancé.”

 

“Oh, I bailed on more important things really.” Tony waves it off.

 

“Really ? More important than your engagement ?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Like what ?”

 

“My graduation.”

 

“Seriously ? Why.. wait, you think graduation is more important than getting engaged ?”

 

“Among other things.”

 

“Such as ? Because I'm pretty sure that-”

 

“Do you want to get out of here ?”

 

And Tony asks , cuts Steve while he speaks and Steve hates it, and he knows that Tony knows that he hates it, but he can't find himself to care at that moment. He just looks at Tony, at his bestfriend, and smiles because yes, he does want to get out of here, and Steve isn't the best one to say no to Tony so Steve nods and smiles. Tony smiles too, and he closes the thin space between them before grabbing Steve's hand and linking their fingers.

It's like ten years ago, when they were young children who didn't know any better, and Tony would drag Steve along and show him everything, but they're not eleven and twelve anymore, they're grown-ups and maybe they shouldn't hold hands and Steve feels something weird as their connects – like electricity or sparks and it's scary and funny – but he doesn't care.

And they go off in the night, in Tony's car, somewhere yet unknown to Steve, but it's okay, he's with his bestfriend, and they should always have been this way Steve thinks, _together_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BESTFRIEND REUNITED ! WHO'S HAPPY ?! I AM HAPPY !


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I'm so sorry for the long overdue chapter. I kept re-writing over and over for some reasons, but here it is, It's not my best but I tried !  
> Next chapter is going to be up tonight :)

**xviii**. _beautiful_

 

Tony is a genius, a blue blooded certified genius ; there's a reason he graduated from the best private school in New York at the age of 17. He can do equations, run probability and built a robot at the same time. Tony knows things, he's a genius, just ask him.

But when it comes to Steve, to his wonderful,amazing bestfriend, there's a lot that Tony doesn't know. First : how on earth did he get so muscular ? Steve must have grown a good four inches since Tony last saw him, in height _and_ width. As a scientist, Tony is curious about the reason behind such a transformation. Second : Why is Steve wearing a shirt that is too small for him ? Tony finds it a little funny – and a little attractive but he won't say that aloud. Third : How did Steve end up at his engagement party ?

 

“So, where are we going ?”

 

Steve's voice breaks Tony's rêverie ; Tony turns to him and Steve is looking back at him and he's smiling and they haven't seen eachother in years but right now as they look at eachother, it's like they were never apart.

 

“Do you trust me ?”

 

“Of course.”

 

And the answer is immediate, as if the words had always been on Steve's lips, waiting for Tony to ask the question. Tony smiles at them, at the words, at his bestfriend, and he turns back to the road, and tries to focus, but he can't, not completely, because there's Steve next to him and it's been so long, and it feels so good and Tony feels so happy, he's so happy he could fly.

 

Another thing Tony doesn't know is how they end up on the hood of his car, empty pizza boxes and countless beer bottles in the grass next to the wheels ; and they're watching the stars and Tony is a little drunk and Steve isn't and Tony thinks it's unfair but it's okay, they're together, everything is okay when they're together.

 

“So, what's her name ?” Steve breaks the comfortable silence.

 

“Huh ?”

 

“Your fiancé.”

 

Oh, his fiancé. _Fiancé, fiancé, fiancé_ , it's one of those words that still sounds weird, even when you repeat it a hundred times, Tony thinks.

 

“Her name is Pepper. She's great.”

 

“Do you love her ?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

And Tony doesn't really ; he doesn't know if he loves Pepper the way you're supposed to love the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, he knows he likes her, but love ? He's not sure he's ever felt that.

 

“You mean you're not sure ?”

 

“Sort of. I mean, I like her, but .. I don't think I've ever been in love.”

 

“Oh.”

 

They stay quiet, letting the confession fill the space between them. There are so many stars tonight in the New York's sky, and Tony remembers all the nights they spent trying to count them all.

 

“Do you remember counting the stars in summer ?” he asks, because he wants to know if Steve does too.

 

“Yeh, and I would always fall asleep in the grass.”

 

“You're so fragile.” Tony answers.

 

“Am not.” Steve whines and it's so childish, and it brings Tony back to years ago when they were kids and Steve would pout when Tony would ask him to do something reckless or fairly dangerous – Steve would do it in the end, always, you can't say no to your bestfriend. And the memories make him laugh, and it's a big , loud laugh and he hasn't laughed like this in years and it's not even a surprise for him that Steve is the only one able to bring the best out of him. Tony shakes his head at his bestfriend, who's watching with happy eyes and a tired smile.

 

“Are you tired ?”

 

“A little, but I'm good.”

 

Steve's voice is sweet, like honey on leaves, and Tony has never seen honey on a leaf but he thinks that's how Steve's voice would look. Tony is shamelessly staring at Steve and Steve doesn't advert his eyes either and they're just watching eachother in the dark. Tony is memorizing every single feature of Steve's face, and he thinks Steve is beautiful, and he has never noticed this before, but Steve is. His eyes are very blue and Tony doesn't know if it's his drunk mind talking or not, but there's not just blue there, he can tell.

 

“There's gold in your eyes.”

 

Steve frowns at his words and Tony wants him to stop, wants to reach out and undo the riddles but he can't really feel his hands at the moment, so he doesn't make a move, but he wants to reach out and touch Steve's skin, it must be soft he thinks. Yes, soft and sweet.

 

“I think you're drunk.” Steve says, chuckling.

 

“I think you're beautiful.” And the words are out of his mouth before he even thinks to say them but it's gone now, they're out and they're reaching Steve and Tony feels his cheeks heat up, oh, _oh no_ , he hopes he's not blushing. Tony Stark doesn't blush.

 

“Okay, you're definetely drunk.” Steve says, turning away.

 

“Yeh, I know. But in the morning, I'll be sober and you'll still be beautiful.”

 

Steve turns to him, just a little bit, and Tony sees something in his eyes – not gold this time - , like a flash of a feeling and it doesn't make any sense, Tony knows but he's seen it. Steve turns away, not giving Tony time to wonder about the feeling more. He just watches Steve's profile and memorize the outline, the curve, the shape of his lips in the lights of New York city and Tony thinks _beautiful._ He wonders if Steve has ever kissed anyone, he wonders whose lips claimed his first, if he liked it, and Tony wants to kiss him, wants to kiss Steve , wants to kiss those inviting lips, and they are inviting, and Tony always found them inviting, even when he was a fifteen years old and he didn't know right from wrong. He is twenty now, and he may not know a lot, but kissing your bestfriend is on the wrong-side of the list he knows. He prefers to push this thought away before he gets uncomfortable somewhere.

 

“Have you ?”

 

Tony mentally slaps himself for speaking before thinking but then again, that's what he's mostly known for so, oh well.

 

“Have I what ?”

 

“Been in love with someone.. Have you ?”

 

“No.” Steve shakes his head and Tony doesn't know why he sighs witgh relief. “ Still waiting for the right one.”

 

“You're such a fucking cliché.”

 

They both laugh, because Steve is , isn't he ? But Tony loves his cliché-like attitude, that's what makes him Steve and he loves Steve. He loves his bestfriend, and he sort of wishes he wasn't already engaged just so he could fall in love with Steve. And who wouldn't fall in love with Steve ? He has everything ; the charm, the manners, the bravery, the strength, the righteousness, just everything ; Tony has always been his most calm self when he was around Steve. Tony doesn't help the smile on his face as he watches Steve watch the stars and his eyes are heavy and he feels sleepy but he doesn't want to fall asleep because a part of him thinks it's all a dream and that Steve won't be here when he wakes up but he can't fight it and he gives it all up to sleep, mind racing with blue eys with hints of gold in them.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)   
> Love always


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's 2 to midnight and I promised I'd post this tonight so here it is!   
> For those of you wondering : nope I'm not forgetting about Pepper. Yes they're engaged. Yes, it's a mess, and it's going to be an even a bigger mess as it goes on so.. get ready for the ride, okay?   
> Anyway, enjoy :)

**xix**. _electricity_

 

When Steve wakes up, it's because his back aches. He groans as he sits up and hops off the hood of Tony's car and stretch his whole body. He didn't get to really see where they were last night, but now that he does, he can't help but smile. The shore they stayed on is near a bridge and Steve recognize the Brooklyn side of town and he wishes he had his sketchbook just so he could draw the landscape. The light is beautiful too, the sky is just turning a purple-orange-rose color and the sun is about to rise and Steve turns around to Tony, because he needs to see this, it's beautiful.

But Tony is asleep, Tony is asleep and Steve smiles at the sight because one of Tony's arm is hanging off the hood and the other is on Tony's face and his mouth is open and he's snoring lightly and Steve remembers all the nights where Tony would fall asleep this way after working on his new crazy invention. They were only kids back then but Steve remembers everything like it was yesterday and the memories burn under his skin.

 

“Tony..” He whispers as he slightly touches Tony's shoulder.

 

Tony doesn't move, and Steve feels bad for having to wake him up. But he needs to go home, and Tony probably needs to as well, he's a prince and he bailed from his own engagement party , he's probably searched right this moment.

 

“Tony.” Steve says a bit louder, shaking Tony.

 

His bestfriend groans a little bit but he's waking up now, and Steve smiles as Tony crunches his nose and Steve thinks _cute_ and he wants to pinch it but that would be weird and awkward and Steve doesn't do weird and awkward.

 

“What time is it ?” Tony mumbles, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

 

“I don't know, but look, the sun is rising.”

 

Tony looks up at Steve's words and his mouth opens slightly in awe, and Steve keeps smiling, and he can't help it really, because Tony is beautiful and the first rays of sun are slowly ascending on his face and Steve really wishes he had a sketchbook with him. He wishes he could draw this moment, he doesn't want to forget it, doesn't want to forget anything about last night.

 

“It's beautiful.. All these colors.. ” Tony says in a whispers and Steve looks up too and sighs in admiration.

 

The morning breeze hits his skin and he's shivering and it feels nice, refreshing and Steve embraces it fully as the morning sunlight warms his skin and his bestfriend's. He feels new in this moment, reborn almost, as if he was blind before this moment and he's only starting to see now , and it feels so unreal but real at the same time and he turns to Tony about to say something but Tony is already watching him and he has a little smile playing on his lips and his eyes are soft and Steve feels something exploding inside of him that he can't explain. But the feeling is there and it takes him all by surprise and it's real, as real as the sun and as real as Tony's hand on his arm.

 

“Hey, are you alright ?”

 

Tony is watching, with worried eyes, and Steve already misses the soft look Tony had only seconds ago. Steve nods, but he feels out of breath and he can't speak because his brain doesn't work, and _how is that even possible ?_ He thinks but it's not, not really, not as it should, and Steve is all confused. He feels his head being taken between hands and Tony's hands are rough, and his face is only centimeters away from Steve's and Steve's brain registers this information too quickly and Steve suddenly feels hot and burning and his eyes fall to Tony's lips for a second or two. _It's not appropriate, it's not right,_ Steve thinks ; it's not right to want to kiss someone who's supposed to be like your brother, but he doesn't feel like Tony's brother right now, he's Tony's bestfriend, but not quite like his brother.

 

“Maybe I should take you home.”

 

And Steve wants to say no, wants to scream that he doesn't want to go home, that he doesn't want this moment to end, and he doesn't know why he doesn't want to, but it has to, he knows. Every thing has to end sometime, and Tony should go home too, he has obligations so he slowly nods and lets Tony take his hand and lead him to the car.

 

“So, where do you live ?” Tony says as he sets Steve in the passenger seat.

 

He feels like a baby being tucked in the bed, like a sick baby being nursed , he feels as if Tony is the older one and he's the youngest, but it's the opposite, and why does it always feel like this? It's always been like this, he realizes, how Tony has always been the one in charge and Steve just tug along, and he feels strange, and he doesn't know how Tony is already in the driver seat and the engine is already up and running, and they're leaving the shore, and it's over, oh, it's really over.

 

“56 Crescent Street in Brooklyn.” Steve says, and it's low, it's not happy and he sees Tony frowns in the rearview mirror.

 

“What's wrong ?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

They're on the road, now, and Tony turns to him, and Tony should focus on the road, really but he's looking at Steve and Steve feels a certain uneasiness at being stared at like this, so he just looks away, at the window.

 

“Steve.. Talk to me.”

 

Steve knows that voice, he knows that voice, because Tony has used it before, when they were kids – Tony was fourteen and Steve was fifteen, and Steve had made a pie for Maria's birthday, and Howard had _hated_ it , thrown insults at Steve ; Tony had later found Steve crying in his room, and he had used that same voice to get him to talk – and the memory is painful but Steve brushes it away. He doesn't want to let Tony in on his sad thoughts, Tony doesn't deserve that.

 

“That was nice. Seeing you.”

 

Steve says instead, and it's true, it was truly nice to see Tony again, how ever strange the coïncidence is, and amazing to spend time with him, but Steve knows that now, Tony is going back to his house, to his fiancé, to his life , without Steve, and that breaks his heart a little bit, but he won't admit that, not to Tony.

 

“Well, I'm not gone yet.”

 

And it's true, but he will leave eventually, Steve thinks, but he keeps that thought to himself.

 

Soon enough, they pull into Steve's street and he sees someone familiar in front of his building. Bucky, Steve recognizes, and oh, _oh, damn_ , he is in trouble, isn't he ? He's a grown up man, and he's a decorated captain and he can do whatever he wants, but when it comes to Bucky, he's always going to be the little one in trouble – which is funny because out of the two, Steve is probably the most responsible.

 

“Looks like someone's waiting for Cinderella.” He hears Tony say, and he scoffs at the little comparison, and Tony chuckles and it brightens Steve's day a litle more.

 

Tony parks right in front of the building and Bucky is staring down at the car, waiting for them to come out. He looks angry, furious, and Steve knows he should have called, should have told Bucky that he was leaving last night after he found Tony. But he didn't, and Bucky is a worrier, and Steve knows that, so he really should have called.

 

Steve gets out of the car, so does Tony and Bucky is already walking towards them and Steve feels so scared, he wants to disappear and become a mouse.

 

“Where on earth were you ?!” Bucky's voice is full of anger, and Steve knows it's all because of him, he's about to speak but Tony cuts him.

 

“He was with me, he was okay.” Tony says, and his eyebrows are raised as if he's challenging Bucky and Steve doesn't see the good outcome of this gesture.

 

“And a phone call would have cost too much I guess ?”

 

“Who are you ? His father ?” Tony snaps back.

 

“Guys stop !” Steve exclaims and Bucky stops his next words from passing the edge of his lips.

 

Steve sighs at the both of them, and just tries to gain a proper breathing, he can feel the two men staring at him, and he tries to think properly bu it's harder than he remembers it to be. Why is his mind all fuzzy and blurry ?

 

“Bucky, look, I'm fine, nothing happened to me.” He tries to make his voice sound normal and calm but he knows that Bucky knows him enough to know when he's faking. He turns to Tony. “ Thank you, for last night, good luck for your engagement.”

 

Steve doesn't know why he's saying this, and neither does Tony because he sends a questioning look at Steve and chuckles.

 

“You trying to get rid of me, Rogers ?”

 

“I..”

 

“I'll come see you later, okay ?”

 

Tony grabs Steve's hands and give it a little squeeze, and Steve feels electricity going through his veins at the touch and he nods and his brain didn't order the move, and it's not normal, he thinks but he can't help it.

 

Tony turns to Bucky and gives him a nod, before going off again in his car. Steve watches him leave and there's a pang in his chest ; that's it , it's over, Tony is probably never going to come by later anyway, he has other things to do, he is a prince, and he's busy with planning a wedding so why would he bother with spending time with Steve ? He lived well without Steve for 5 years, he can surely go on another day without him ; Steve's brain is running with thoughts and the more there are, the more sad he's getting. He really wishes this night had never ended, he has missed Tony so much, and now, it's all gone, he's gone and he took everything with him.

 

“Steve..”

 

Bucky's voice doesn' even startle him, Steve just sighs and turns away, walking the few stairs up to his building.

 

“I don't want to talk about it.”

 

And with those words, he's off into his building and he's climbing the stairs two steps at a time, and he's into his apartment in no-time and he rushes to take the clothes off of him and it's a relief and he throws them in a corner and he's bare under the covers and they're cold agains his skin but he needs the cold, he needs it to forget about the warmth of Tony's skin on his. But there's still electricity running through his veins where Tony touched him and he's not sure it's going away anytime soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE 22 PUSHUP CHALLENGE AND DODGER FUCKING TICKLING CHRIS AS HE DOES THE PUSH UPS LIKE WHAAAAAATTT THAT IS THE PUREST THING EVER   
> ALSO OM AND ZENDAYA DANCEOFF CHALLENGE LIKE I LOVE TOM AND ZENDAYA ( I don't ship them romantically tho.)  
> Comments are appreciated :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the weirdest thing? When you love a character so much, love the way they are evolving, have respect for them for evolving, but when it comes to writing them.. you just can't? That's how I feel sometimes with Tony, and this chapter is one proof of that. I personally don't like it, it's really just a filler until the nex one which should be up in the next couple of days.   
> I am a bit busy lately, but I am trying my best.   
> Hoping you enjoy the chapter eventhough it's crap.  
> Love always :)

**xx**. _oblivion_

 

When Tony pulls into his driveway and there's a New York PD car parked, he almost wants to turn back around and drive away from the trouble awaiting him. But one part of being a prince is handling his responsibilities, and he knows he has to go inside and face them. After all, it's all his fault ; he decided to leave the party with Steve, but he doesn't regret it at all, doesn't regret one second of last night. His bestfriend came back to him , and it was _everything_ , and Tony didn't know something , someone, was missing in his life, and it's normal, he thinks, he has Pepper and Rhodey and his company is the biggest one on the technology market and his mother's foundation is doing wonders, but Steve is his bestfriend, and Tony needs him.

 

As soon as he steps out of the car, he feels the Manhattan morning air hitting his face and it's a bit of a chock and he shakes his head and straightens his white shirt and jacket – his clothes are all creased and a bit dirty but it's okay, he's okay. He walks up the stairs leading through the main wooden door ; for some reason, he feels strange going back to his home, it's almost as if his body literally doesn't want to go inside. He has to though, he knows he does ; so he pushes the door open and prepares himself for the storm to hit him.

 

“Oh my word ! Tony !”

 

Pepper jumps and wraps her arms around him, she squeezes him hard and Tony puts his hand on her back gently, he's happy to see her really, she's amazing, and strong and he needs that in his life. Tony sees Rhodey and Obadiah and two police officers behind her and he innerly groans ; not for Rhodey, no, Tony is happy to see his friend, but the sight of Obadiah makes him want to throw up. He slowly pats Pepper's back, and she takes a step back, drying her eyes real quick ; Tony thinks the gesture is cute and he sees the red ring under her eyes and he wants to slap himself for making her cry.

 

“Where the hell were you ?” she asks him.

 

“Yes, Tony, where the hell were you ?” Obadiah repeats, a bit louder.

 

Tony takes his eyes off of Pepper's face and turns to Stane ; the old man has his arms crossed and a deep frown is darkening his already threatening face. Tony grabs Pepper's hand and leads them both to the others ; he turns to the two officers, they seem awfully nervous and uneased and out of place, and Tony smiles at them, hoping it's enough to break the tension.

 

“Gentlemen, I am sorry that we had to bother you for nothing at all. As we all can see, I'm fine and I'm home in one piece. There was really no need to come.”

 

“You could have been abducted.” Pepper says , and there it is, there is the strong, brilliant, tough Pepper Potts that Tony knows, her voice is hard and set and he can't help but be in awe in front of her.

 

“But I wasn't.” His tone is playful and teasing and it's always like this between them, and Pepper smiles at him and gives his hand a little squeeze, and god, does Tony love her.

 

“We still don't know where you were.” Stane's voice breaks their little moment. “ It was your engagement party, if I remember correctly.”

 

Tony raises an eyebrow at the obvious sarcasm in his former handler's tone ; he wants to yell, hit, scream, punch Stane in the face, _why is he even here anyway,_ Tony thinks. But he doesn't respond to Stane, instead he nods towards the officers and smiles again.

 

“Thank you officers for your kind services.”

 

“Glad you're alright, Your Majesty.”

 

The officers nods at them and leave in silence ; as soon as the door closes, Tony's smile fades, he turns to Obadiah and rises his chin a bit higher.

 

“Yes, I left my own engagement party, yes I didn't tell anyone I left. But the reason as to why is only the concern of family. Which you aren't.” Tony states. He sees Obadiah glaring at him, but he's not about to back down in front of him. “ I suggest next time you want to defy my authority in my own house, you try to remember who is the real one in charge.”

 

Stane doesn't say anything, just glares at Tony ; the young prince doesn't look down once, he keeps his head high, only lowers it when Stane is out of the door. He sighs once he's gone, the man has the bad tendency of making Tony feel like the worst version of himself and he hates it, hates when he's like that, because he's not Tony then, he's a bad version of Tony, he's mean, and hard, and tough, and that's just not him.

 

Rhodey clears his throat and he's stretching his arms and Tony smiles because he's around two of his favourie people and he feels good ; though there's a feeling in the pit of his stomach but he brushes it off , it must be his body's way of telling that he's hungry, he hasn't eaten anything since yesterday morning, that's probably why, he thinks.

 

“If you now will excuse me, I can finally go to sleep now that the little troublemaker is home safe.”

 

“Sorry for keeping you up, James.” Pepper says.

 

“It's alright, he owes me now.” Rhodey jokes, and he pats Tony's shoulder before going upstairs to one of the guest room.

 

Tony turns to Pepper and he can finally do what he's been wanting to do since he saw her ; he captures her lips for a kiss and she smiles against his lips and it feels amazing, really and god, he missed her. She's trying to push him away but he's not having it, no, he needs her, needs to feel her against him for real, but her lips are not on his anymore and she's trying to speak, but his brain doesn't really hear the words, only rumbles.

 

“Tony.. wait.. aren't you going to.. tell me ?”

 

“I have other plans.” he whispers against her skin, and he sucks the skin near her collarbone, knows it drives her crazy and he only needs the moan out of her lips as her approval.

 

Later when he's laying on the bed next to her and she's sound asleep and he's watching her, he can't help but feel something bad in his body, like he just did something wrong, all his body aches but he never felt that before ; his skin itches where she touched him, and it tingles as if he is being shot with electrical darts, and he feels like he's forgotten something but he can't tell what is it. After pondering for what seems to be hours, Tony decides to get up, he needs to do something , to get his mind off that thing he can't remember. He puts on a tank top and sweatpants and head to his personal workshop ; he sits in front of a desk and pulls out of his tools and that's it, there is the real Tony, the creator, the futurist, the one that builds things people don't know they need before it's given to them. So he goes off for hours and hours , lost in his creative mind and he is himself then, and he feels good, but somehow, someway, the feeling doesn't leave him still.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony owning it though. #TonyIsTheBoss   
> Feedback is always welcome :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve hears more noises but he turns around and puts a pillow on his ears. He shuts his eyes and tries to block any sound coming in, he just wants to sleep for a century, and if he wakes up then, he'll probably sleep some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> So I know the previous chapter was quite short and this one is too, but sometimes it's how they turn out so please don't hate me?  
> Next chapter is going to be one with full-on Rhodey sassy self and I am so pumped to write that and the next one is the introduction of the Barton family : SIGN ME THE FUCK UP! You guys are going to love those chapters so yeah :) !  
> IMPORTANT NOTES AT THE END!

**xxi**. _tacenda // things better left unsaid , matters preferably passed over silene_

 

Steve's phone keeps ringing and once again Steve sighs, he knows it's Bucky, knows because it's been Bucky since he's got back from his little escapade with Tony and he's come back around 6 am , it's now 8 in the evening and Bucky has been calling him all day. Steve hasn't answered once, he doesn't want to talk to Bucky, doesn't want to talk to anyone, he'd rather stay in bed forever. He was right, Tony never came back, he knew he wouldn't, he just hoped that he would be wrong, but Steve knows Tony and what it means to be him, all that comes with being a Stark ; he almost ended up being a Stark so he knows.

 

Suddenly, he hears a BANG  and all of his senses wake up and he sits up in his bed and he jumps on the floor, dragging the covers with him. He hides himself under the sheets, curling into a ball, and waits ; he hears footsteps and he mentally hits himself for being unprepared ; he is not in a state to fight back, he's unarmed, naked, and vulnerable, god he _knew_ he should have kept the gun in his room.

 

The door of his room opens and the floor creaks under the heavy boot of his visitor, Steve waits, he can't see a thing, he can't see anything with the white sheets covering his eyes, but he can feel the person coming closer. He slowly puts a hand on his mouth to cover his heavy breathing, but , _but_.

 

A hand touches him and he just blows, he jumps and pushes his opponent away, tries to punch him, but his wrists are pinned down and he screams, and there's legs around him and he tries to bite and hit but he can't reach out, and his vision is blurry and there's so much light, so much light, and he can see the smoke and the dust and he feels sand under his back and it's too bright and there's explosions everywhere and he's gone , he's not here, where is he , what is happening, why can't he see anything.

 

“Steve ! Steve ! Calm down ! It's me, Bucky !”

 

Steve doesn't calm down though, not immediately, he continues to fight back, until Bucky keeps him down and repeats his name over and over again ; only then Steve stops and looks at him, really looks at him, and he turns to Bucky's arm , the metal one , and he's crying all of sudden and Bucky breaks at the sight. He gets off of Steve, and take him in his arms and rub his back.

 

“It's okay, I'm here, you're okay. It's alright, you're fine..”

 

He hears Steve mumble things and it takes Bucky a moment to realize what Steve is saying, _I'm_ _sorry, I'm so sorry_ , and Bucky doesn't know why Steve is sorry, what could have Steve possibly done wrong for him to be sorry, he doesn't know why Steve feels the need to apologize. It's questions for other times though, so he just keeps rocking Steve and holds him until his friend's sobs die down.

 

 

Steve is in bed, and Bucky is in the kitchen with Natasha and Clint. He can hear them talking about him, about his little attack, as Bucky calls it. Steve would like to disagree, but he doesn't remember anything of what happened so he can't really. The sheets are cold on his skin and somehow it's the only thing making him feel grounded at the moment ; he hears the voices but they don't reach him quite yet.

 

“We should take him to see someone.”

 

“He won't agree, Nat, you know that.”

 

“Buck, these are clear signs of PTSD , he needs to talk to someone about it.”

 

“I know, but he's.. he's Steve, Clint, he's not going to open up to anyone until he wants to.”

 

“He tried to hurt you, James.”

 

“I know but I'm good, okay ? He.. he needs someone right now.”

 

“Okay, well if you need anything, let me know. Why don't you come by the house tomorrow ? The kids will be here, that could help.”

 

“I'll see how he is tomorrow, and I'll let you know, okay ?”

 

“Okay, just let me know. Laura will love cooking for loads of people, you're welcome too Nat'.”

 

“I'll try to stop by. You sure you don't want me to stay tonight with you, honey ?”

 

“It's fine, love, I'll handle him.”

 

Steve hears more noises but he turns around and puts a pillow on his ears. He shuts his eyes and tries to block any sound coming in, he just wants to sleep for a century, and if he wakes up then, he'll probably sleep some more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS GUYS ! I need your opinions : so, as I write this story, I noticed that people actually read it ( which I didn't actually think would happen tbh ) and my bestfriend said that I could get a PATREON for my writing, and I don't know, the idea is appealing but I want to know if YOU would like to support me and my fanfictions financially. I need your opinions, so let me know on my tumblr ( cuddlingmess.tumblr.com ) or here if you want to! Just let me know okay.  
> Feedback for the chapter is appreciated :)  
> Love always !


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't mind because it's Steve, and Steve could take him anywhere, to heaven or hell, to a burning house or a deep lake, Tony would follow. Because it's Steve, and Steve is Tony's fire, and Tony would gladly burn over and over again for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody, how are you doing? Hope you're doing good!  
> Just to let you know : updates won't be as regular as they used to be, I'm moving into my new apartment next week, and I'm going to have to buy furniture and I won't have internet connection when I arrive, so it may take a while before I post other chapters. I am going to write as much as I can but I am not sure I'll upload as soon as I finish a chapter. There, you're warned.  
> Hope you like the chapter :) The next one will be the same day but Steve's point of view :)  
> Happy reading :)

**xxii**. _appetence // an eager desire, an attraction, a natural bond, an instinctive inclination_

 

“So like.. he just showed up ?”

 

Tony sighs and turns to Rhodey, it must be the tenth time Rhodey asks him about Steve ; Tony told Rhodey as soon as the Colonel woke up, Pepper left because apparently they had a marketing meeting that Tony couldn't bother to attend so she went on his behalf, as always, and now it's only Rhodey and him in the workshop. Tony is working on finding a new element to improve the prothesis for his medical line ; he wants the prothesis to give a real human feeling to those wearing it, but he's tried with every element, and none seems to work well with the prothesis and give a human effect.

 

“I've already told you that, Rhodey. He showed up and yeh.. we talked.”

 

“You ran away.”

 

“It wasn't running away.” Tony snapped, raising his voice. “ I just, We..” He tried to find the correct words to explain why he felt the need, the urge to leave with Steve the other night, but no matter how he tries to put it, he can't. “ You wouldn't get it.”

 

And Rhodey wouldn't, and it's not his fault ; what Tony and Steve have, what bonds them, what draws them to eachother, it's not something Tony can explain, that he can define. He can't decipher why Steve , someone as good and righteous and brave and strong as Steve, can be his bestfriend, why Steve even puts up with someone as messed up and strange and twisted as Tony. But Tony won't ask that to Steve, he doesn't want to give his bestfriend the chance to see that he deserves a better bestfriend.

 

“How long have you two known eachother ?” Rhodey asks and Tony takes a small screwdriver to fix the screw between the two steel bits.

 

“Since I was eleven.” Tony smiles as he remembers the first time he met Steve. It feels like yesterday he had met the scrawny little Brooklyn kid in his mother's office. “My mom wanted to adopt him.”

 

“So he's your step-brother ?”

 

“No, they never finalized the adoption.” Tony frowns as the screw is showing resistance.

 

“Hm, okay. So he retired from the Army ?”

 

“I think so. I hope he did, he's too good to be fighting bad people, he should stay away from that kind of danger, really.”

 

“It's his choice though, Tony.”

 

“But he could do so much more !” Tony exclaims. “He's so good with so many things, like you should see him drawing, he's so good at that ! And don't listen to whatever he says, but he's actually really good at building things really. And he has a good writing style, like when we were kids, he once wrote me a letter, and when I answered him back, all he did was point out how bad my grammer was and.. what ?”

 

Tony turns to Rhodey and why is he chuckling ? Tony raises a challenging eyebrow at him, and Rhodey holds his hand, trying to supress his laugh, but it's not really working.

 

“What ? What's so funny ?” Tony is starting to get angry.

 

“It's just.. You're so oblivious.” Rhodey answers, still laughing at him.

 

“To what exactly ?”

 

“You have a crush on him.”

 

Rhodey states , matter of fact, and Tony's mouth opens in chock at the words. Rhodey is crazy, he thinks, he doesn't have a crush on Steve. They're bestfriends, he can't have a crush on Steve, they're brothers, have been raised as such.

 

“I don't have a crush on him. He's my bestfriend, we're brothers.”

 

“You're not related. And you're talking about him like you're in love with him or something.”

 

“Okay, you're being delusional, man.”

 

Tony turned around, back to his work, and tried to ignore his friend's stare on the back of his neck. He can't even begin to believe Rhodey is even thinking like this. He and Steve are bestfriends, _brothers_ , and nothing more.

 

“Whatever you say, kid. I gotta go anyway. Don't blow anything up.”

 

He just waves at Rhodey and focuses back on his work ; Rhodey's words are still running in his head and he shakes his head, trying to forget the burning ache in his chest. Why is he so angry that Rhodey thinks he has a crush on Steve ? He could, he knows he could, Steve is handsome, always has been Tony reckons, but he's his bestfriend, _he could never_. Tony sighs, and throws his screwdriver to the other side room and wraps fists in his dark hair. He can't focus like this, his whole body is burning and he needs relief, he needs to relax. He gets off his stool, and takes his car keys on the little table near the glass door and gets into one of his cars. He drives off, he doesn't have a specific destination in mind, he just need to drive, to think of something else, to focus on anything but him right now. He spends hours on the road, hours driving, only caring about the sound of the engine beneath him, taking him away.

 

When he finally stops, his breathing is shallow and dry ; he takes him a moment to realize where he is.

_56 Crescent Street, Brooklyn._

Tony looks up at the apartment building through his window, and he almost wants to laugh at the irony of the situation, but then again, it is funny that he drove to the only place where he knew someone would understand, funny how he came back to Steve, always to him, somehow.

He stares at the building, at the entrance door, and wonders, should he go in ? He doesn't know Steve's floor, nor his apartment's number, is Steve even home ? It's sunday too, maybe Steve is outside, with his friends ; but maybe he decided to have a quiet day inside ? Tony can almost see it : Steve sitting by his window or on his sofa, reading a book, or maybe sketching, yes more likely sketching. Tony wonders if Steve still draws ; his sketchbooks are still at the Stark mansion and Tony will never admit that he spent nights after Steve left, looking at the sketches his bestfriend made, silent tears running down his cheeks. And maybe Steve is home, and he doesn't have any plans and would not mind if Tony just happened to pass by. That thought warms Tony all over, and he takes off his keys and gets out of the car, adrenaline rushing in his veins as he takes a couple of steps towards the main door.

But what if Steve isn't home and Tony is just being a complete idiot ? It's sunday and it's summer , and Steve is definetely out , enjoying the warm weather and Tony is being stupid to think Steve would just stay in. Shaking his head, he turns back towards his car, and he's about to unlock it again, when a voice cuts him in his tracks.

 

“Tony ?”

 

Tony turns around and freezes ; Steve is there, actually outside, only a few feet away from him, and _god he looks good_ Tony thinks, and it's weird because Steve is his bestfriend, and they're like brothers, and Tony can't get himself to think of Steve as a brother right now, not when Steve is wearing jeans and a very fitting white t-shirt and a brown leather jacket. That gets Tony's attention, because who wears leather jackets in summer ? You must be crazy , but then Tony remembers all of Steve's crazy thoughts when they were kids and if Steve is crazy, then he is too.

 

“Tony, is everything okay ?”

 

Steve's question grabs his attention again and he looks up at Steve ; when their eyes meet, brown and blue, sky and earth, something is switched inside of him, as if all his cells are imploding within themselves and all his body is set on fire and flames are replacing his blood and oh, _oh_.

 

“I needed to see you.”

 

Tony's words are out of his mouth before he can even think them, but then it's too late , and Steve's smile is gentle and Tony finds himself smiling too and Steve's hand finds its way to his and it's warm, it's so warm and Tony has missed it, and it's scary what the touch does to him, but he doesn't mind it. He doesn't mind because it's Steve, and Steve could take him anywhere, to heaven or hell, to a burning house or a deep lake, Tony would follow. Because it's Steve, and Steve is Tony's fire, and Tony would gladly burn over and over again for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)  
> Love always !
> 
> P-S : Everyone is freaking out about Zendaya playing MJ and I'm just here like.. it's okay, tom holland is bae.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He passes by people and he sees their smiles and their laughs, and it's so strange to him, so unreal, so foreign. He distances himself from them, and wraps his arms around himself, and the movment makes his leather jacket feels weird but he can't care less right now. His mind is a running track and words and voices are flooding him and his vision is blurry, and it's all too much for him, it's all too much and he's not sure he can take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO PLEASE WELCOME THE BARTON FAMILY + WANDA! I was kind of disappointed that Clint wasn't married to Nat in AoU , but then I was like, it's okay, they're still bestfriends ! And Dad Clint in CW like YES YES GIMME MORE! And I love Wanda, I just couldn't keep her out of the story. We'll see more of her in the next chapters :) And she's bestfriend with Bucky ... -secret winterwitch shipper anyone?-  
> ALSO ! PLEASE READ THIS : If you are triggered by anything concerning depression, PTSD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or abuse, then, you might want to be aware that some chapters will be containing these topics. Steve was at war, and I think I made it clear that he has PTSD, and he's going down the depression road here. If you're triggered by that, then you might want to skip it.  
> If you're going through anything, please, talk about it with someone, make sure you're getting all the help you can. I know it's hard. But things get better.  
> Sorry for the long ass note, enjoy reading!

**xxiii**. _clinomania //  an excessive desire to stay in bed_

Steve wakes up to pancakes and bacon filled air ; it takes him a minutes to remember his surroundings, Brooklyn, his apartment, his bed. He grabs the sheets in his fists and sighs, he's so tired, all his body is stiff and heavy, and he wants to stay in bed and sleep forever. He doesn't remember much of yesterday, just that he felt bad and that he fell asleep exhausted. Isn't the waking up part supposed to be easier? he wonders. Isn't sleeping supposed to make things better ? Isn't sleeping supposed to take the pain away ? But why is he even hurting ? He sighs again, and tries to ignore the twisting knot in his stomach at the scent of breakfast. He hasn't eaten since the other day, since Tony and him got pizza and slept on the hood of his car after he bailed on his engagement party. Steve smiles as he remembers that night, it felt as if no time had passed and they had always been together ; but that's the thing when you're bestfriends, you don't have to talk or see eachother all the time, as long as when you do meet again, you talk as if nothing has changed.

 

But things have changed, they have, they're not kids anymore, they're grown-up adults with careers and plans and projects and it's not the same as when they were twelve and eleven and had just met but at the same time, it felt like it was the first time really. Steve remembers meeting Tony's eyes accross the room of Maria's office and _just knowing_ , knowing that he would be bestfriends with Tony.

 

“Steve ?”

 

Bucky's voice startles Steve a little bit, and he turns around on his bed ; Bucky's head is peaking through the door, and his whole face is full of expectations and Steve has seen this look all his whole life, and it stirs something inside of him he can't shake off.

 

“I made you breakfast.”

 

Steve nods silently, he doesn't really trust his voice at the moment. Bucky smiles at him, but Steve doesn't return it, he doesn't trust himself to even pretend to be happy right now. Bucky leaves and the room is quiet again, Steve stares at the door for a while, everything comes to him out of sync, and he takes him time before he gets out of bed, and the first thought he has when he takes his first steps in his kitchen is how badly he wants to go back to sleep.

 

 

“You'll see, they're great, you'll love them !”

 

Bucky is bouncing with joy as he climbs the stairs leading to the porch of the Barton's household, it's a big house and it's not quite far from Steve's apartment, and they drove there, but Steve thinks he would have actually prefered to walk. Natasha is here as well, but Steve avoids her eyes ; she sent him an interrogating look when they met at his place, and Steve felt like he was being scrutinized but a doctor or a mad scientist. He just breathes as Bucky rings the little bell and almost immediately the door opens and a brunette jumps in Bucky's arms and he lifts her up and Steve looks down. He can't really remember the last time he was being hugged with joy ; the sight reminds him of his mother and how she would always embrace him in her arms before bed. He doesn't have time to dig into the memory because then the attention is all on him.

 

“Hello, I'm Wanda, you must be Steve, come in !” The young brunette says, grinning.

 

She takes his hand and leads him into the house ; he's taken to the living room where laughters and voices are heard, and Steve feels the need to run away all of sudden. But he can't, because the girl's, Wanda's hand is still wrapped around his and she's taking him to Clint, and he's never heard of her before and he wonders how she got here in the first place.

 

“Steve !” Laura, Clint's wife, exclaimed when she spots him. “ I am so glad you made it !”

 

She rises and comes to plant two kisses on his cheeks ; he's touched by the gesture, and it feels a bit foreign to him, but he appreciates it. He smiles down at her and he notices that she's pregnant, must have been for a while as her belly is round and he smiles even more.

 

“When are we due ?” He asks.

 

“Not for another month.” Laura answers, rubbing her belly. “ But I wouldn't mind getting this over with already.” she adds rolling her eyes.

 

“Well, everything comes to those who wait.” Wanda says, and she has a nice smile, Steve thinks, and she's pretty, he notices too.

 

“I think I've waited long enough, don't you think ?” Laura says, her tone full of teasing and she laughs with Wanda.

 

The two woman go back and sit down on one of the two couches, and Steve watches as Clint is talking to Bucky and Natasha has joined Wanda and Laura, and he feels so out of place, like he doesn't belong here, like he was never made to be in this kind of situation ; this isn't him, this isn't his life, he can't do this. He can't.

 

He's about to talk when two small arms wrap around his legs, and he looks down and a little kid's head is buried behind his legs and two brown eyes are looking up at him, eyes full of questions and mischief and happiness and joy.

 

“Are you my new uncle ?” The little kid says and Steve doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what to do, because it's been a long time since he has seen , let alone talked to a child, and the two little arms wrapped around him feels so strange, as if they're not really touching his skin, and it's not real.

 

Steve smiles though, because he's been a kid once and he thinks he would have liked someone to smile at him when he didn't know certain things. He smiles and bends down and crouches in front of the little boy.

 

“I am. My name is Steve, what's yours young man ?”

 

“I am Cooper, I am Daddy's bestie !” The little one answers chirpily.

 

“Oh, is that so ?”

 

“Yes ! And you ? Do you have a bestie too ?”

 

Steve's smile fades as Cooper asks, he's twirling his fingers and studying Steve's face with attention,and Steve thinks about Tony and how far they are right now and how close they were only a day ago.

 

“I do.”

 

“Where is he ? Is he here ?” Cooper demands, and his whole face lights up with excitment and it contrasts Steve's and he looks down, with a sad smile.

 

“No, he's , hum, he's very busy.”

 

“Oh.” Cooper's cheerfulness dies a little bit, but then he's smiling again. “ It's alright, we can play while we wait for him to come.”

 

And Cooper takes Steve's hands and drags him towards the others, and Steve is amazed by the little boy, by his joy, and how he seems to be so full of happiness and warmth and it reminds Steve of someone he knows pretty well.

 

 

After lunch, he's in the kitchen helping cleaning the dishes with Wanda ; it turns out she's Clint and Laura's adoptive daughter, he doesn't know more about the matter, but he can see that she's happy , that she belongs there with them. He watched her a little during lunch and before, how she's always smiling, always trying to say something funny so that other people laugh, and how she can also stay quiet and just listen to the person talking to her. He likes that, he's never really met someone like that before, and she seems like a good person if he has to be honest.

 

“You're good with kids.”

 

She speaks up and he hands her a dry plate that she puts away with the rest of them. He shrugs, taking another.

 

“I try.”

 

“You're not happy though.”

 

It's not a question, it's a statement, and he stops drying the plate and she's looking at him and her green eyes are boring into his, and it's as if she can see right through him, and it makes him quite uncomfortable standing there, being read like an open book and he's not even doing anything.

 

“I .. I am not..”

 

“It's okay. It takes time to tell yourself you're not okay.”

 

She's the one shrugging now, and she takes the plate between his hands and dries it herself because Steve is frozen in his spot and her words run inside his mind.

 

“What do you mean by _not okay_  ?” Steve finds the strength to ask.

 

She turns to him again and she has wide eyes and Steve feels a sudden uneasiness at being here next to her, her green eyes looking straight through him, and he feels suffocated and out of breath and she's taking a step closer to him now, and he's taking a step back and the words are out of his mouth before he thinks them.

 

“I have to go.”

 

He doesn't listen to her voice calling him back, he just storms out of the kitchen and runs toward the door he first came in. He starts walking on the pavements, not really caring if he's headed the right way or not, he just needs to get away from Wanda's words and the memories of her eyes. He walks and walks until his legs ache and he's used to walk longer distances and run and fight and why is he so exhausted already ? He feels hot tears on his cheeks and _why am I crying ?_ he yells at himself , but he can't stop, doesn't try to, he just lets the tears fall in silence.

 

He passes by people and he sees their smiles and their laughs, and it's so strange to him, so unreal, so foreign. He distances himself from them, and wraps his arms around himself, and the movment makes his leather jacket feels weird but he can't care less right now. His mind is a running track and words and voices are flooding him and his vision is blurry, and it's all too much for him, it's all too much and he's not sure he can take it.

 

But he keeps walking, he keeps walking, he's afraid if he stops walking he'll fall. He's walking and probably has been for hours really, he doesn't have a watch on him and he didn't take his phone this morning, he's still not used to it, and he forgot to take it, but now he's walking and he notices the pavements of his neighborhood, and oh, he must be close to his apartment building now. This sole thought eases a bit of the tension in him and he slows down his pace a little bit and he takes a deep breath, the kind he hasn't allowed himself to take in a long time.

He's turning around the corner to his street and he's walking a bit faster , he can almost feel the feeling of the sheets under his bare skin already, he can almost feel the comfort of his own bed already. He's going home, to his little comforting nest, to his little abditory, and it's okay, he's finally going to be okay.

 

But as he gets closer, he sees a familiar figure, one that he would recognize anywhere, behind a wall, if he was blind, far in the distance.

 

“Tony ?”

 

The sound of his name on his lips is pleasing and he is ablaze. He takes a few last steps and stops in front of Tony, and immediately feels the strange feeling emanating from Tony, and Tony seems nervous, and strange and Steve has never seen him like this. He's used to see Tony being confident, full of pride and being unapologetic and it's not Tony, not his Tony, not the one he knows.

 

“ Are you okay ?”

 

He gets a bit closer and he sees Tony letting out a sigh, and Steve wonders what happened for his bestfriend to act this way ; he can feel something is wrong, he can feel it in his blood.

 

“I needed to see you.”

 

Tony's words are out in a single breath and his brown eyes are full of anxiety, and Steve wants to ease it all ; he takes Tony's hand in his and takes him towards his building. And he needed to see Tony too, he _does_ need to see Tony, he needs Tony, they're bestfriends, they need eachother, otherwise things aren't fully complete. And it's crazy because they're in the elevator and not talking and their fingers are intertwined between them and it's crazy because Steve doesn't feel like Tony's brother right now and he forgets about wanting to go back to sleep as soon as he gets to his apartment, forgets about Wanda's words running in his mind. He only focuses on Tony's fingers between his and the little sparks burning his skin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I can't keep them apart very long :3!  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, let me know what you think!  
> Love always :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve smiles at Tony and he does too, and Tony sees Steve's eyes flicker to his lips for a brief second, and his lips part and they're close, closer than a second ago, and Tony feels Steve's breathing on his skin and it's warm, so warm and Tony wants to dwelve , drown into the heat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I am at the worst at writing?  
> I am verry sorry if this chapter is very bad, I'm under a lot of strees, I know it's no excuse but I wrote this chapter to get away from it, so I just hope you enjoy it regardless.

**xxiv**. _querencia // a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home, the place you are your most authentic self_

 

 

When Tony steps in Steve's apartment, he finds it odd. It's light and airy and there's sunshine coming through all the windows, and it's bliding, and Tony walks a bit further into the space and he finds it odd, because it's so not Steve. Tony remembers Steve's room, back when they were kids – he'll never say but he slept in Steve's room for weeks after he left - , and this is so unlike it. Steve's room was always full of art, sketches, unfinished drawings, and colourful paintings, and sculptures and dead leaves crowns and papercrafted little figurines.Tony has always been admirative of Steve's creative mind, he knows Steve is artistic, found out when he found a sketch of Dum-E and Steve tried to hide it, but then he gave it to Tony – he still has it.

 

“Do you want something ? I can make you coffee.”

 

Tony turns to his bestfriend and Steve is in the kitchen , roaming around , opening the cupboards. Tony notices a certain tension in Steve's body and he wonders what's wrong.

 

“No, thanks. I'm good.”

 

He's not, not really, he came here unknowingly of his mind track, and he's not sure he should be here. He should be home, waiting for Pepper to come home, but somehow, he doesn't care. He _wants_ to be here, he likes being here, with Steve. He takes steps towards the few furnitures and there's nothing there, no piece of decoration to make it home, to make it feel that there's someone living here, and it's so not Steve, and Steve is coming into the living room and he sits down on the big couch, and Tony watches him for a moment.

 

Steve throws his head back and closes his eyes, letting out a long breath ; Tony leans back on the wall and keeps his eyes on him, studying him. He's so much taller, stronger, broader, he has changed so much, and things have changed, they''re not kids anymore, but they're still bestfriends and that's _everything_. Tony stares openly at Steve, he has a grown up face, more lean, and he spots dark circles under his eyes, and he sees the little freckles on Steve's jaw, trailing all the way down to his neck, and Tony's eyes linger their a little bit longer. He spots the little tears of sweat on Steve's neck and it's giving his skin a certain shine and Tony wants to reach out and lick it, lick every bit of drop rolling down Steve's skin and why not give it a little bite as well ? He thinks , and he wonders if Steves likes that, likes when someone bites his neck, would he like if Tony bit his neck ? Would he..

Tony shakes his head ? _What am I even thinking about ?_ He mentally slaps himself for even thinking such things. Steve is his bestfriend, his brother, he shouldn't think like that about someone as close to him as Steve. He pushes the thoughts away and clears his throat.

 

“Nice place you have here.”

 

“Yeh” Steve hums, not opening his eyes. “ It's alright I guess.”

 

“Are you going to put some art ?”

 

At that Steve sits up, opening his eyes and frowns at Tony. “ Art ? Why ?”

 

“Well, don't you want to make the place like a .. I don't know, a home ?”

 

Steve stays silent for a minute, pondering Tony's thoughts , then he just shrugs.

 

“I don't know how long before I go again so..why bother.”

 

The statement is dull and empty of anything but resignation, Tony's never heard that tone from Steve before. He's heard it from people before, mostly his boarding school teachers whenever he would actually show up to class cand cause trouble, but never from Steve. And the words are what strike him ; _again_ , Steve means that he's going again, he's going to leave again, to war, for another tour. The thought sits in Tony's mind and doesn't move and it becomes heavier with each second.

 

“Oh.. I see.”

 

That's all he can say ; besides what else can you say to your bestfriend when they're telling you that they probably are going off to war, to their potential death ? What else can you say when your bestfriend is going to leave you again and you don't know if this time, you'll get through it ?

 

“Well, you have to be here for my wedding !”

 

And the words leave him before he even thinks them, and he curses himself for saying them ; of course he wants Steve to be there at his wedding, but it's not what he wanted to say to Steve's words.

_Don't go. Stay. With me. Don't leave me again._

But the words stay on the roof of his mouth and Steve looks up at him, raising an eyebrow, and it's like Steve can read his mind and Tony really hopes he's not, because he hasn't forgotten about biting Steve's neck and that would be embarassing.

 

“Of course I'll be there. Somebody has to make sure you don't run away.” And Steve is chuckling and Tony finds himself smiling.

 

“Well, the only one I'd run away with is you. So the blame would be on you.”

 

And Steve is laughing then, a big , loud laugh and it's music to Tony's heart and there's butterflies in his stomach and _how_ and he finds himself laughing along with his bestfriend, and they're slowly stopping and their eyes meet and Tony is sure he is holding a zoo in his stomach now. There seems to be a distinct glint in Steve's eyes and Tony thinks it's gold. They're looking into eachother's eyes for a long time, and Tony thinks it's too long of a time to look at your bestfriend, _your brother_ but then , he doesn't feel like Steve's brother right now.

 

“You always blame it on me, anyway.”

 

“Because it's so easy.”

 

“How so ?”

 

“Well, if I do something bad, people are going to yell, and be disappointed. If it's you, people are going to let it go. A bit of an argue, but that's it. You're the good kid. People don't hold it against you when you're the one making the mistake.”

 

Steve's smiles dies as Tony speaks, he lowers his head and fixates his gaze towards his shoes, and Tony gets closer, taking his back off the wall to come sit next to Steve. And it's better, and why hasn't he come closer sooner ? But it's not really better because he can feel sadness emanating from Steve and how did that happen ?

 

“Did I say something ?”

 

“No, no, it's just.. No.”

 

Steve looks up, back at Tony and there's slight tears in his eyes, Tony can clearly see them. He grabs Steve's hands and it's funny how their fingers somehow always find their way to one another and Tony likes it, always has. He takes Steve's hands in his and rubs them between his own, he used to do that when they were cold, usually during winter hilidays and he'd be home and Steve and him would usually stay late talking about random things.

 

“It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”

 

Steve smiles at Tony and he does too, and Tony sees Steve's eyes flicker to his lips for a brief second, and his lips part and they're close, closer than a second ago, and Tony feels Steve's breathing on his skin and it's warm, so warm and Tony wants to dwelve , drown into the heat but suddenly a loud heavy sound draws them apart. They both blink and turn around, and Tony slaps himself once more, because were they about to kiss ? _Were they_  ?

 

Steve is the first one to get off the couch and go towards the window. Tony stays put, on the couch, still looking at the space Steve occupied only seconds ago, and why does he feel so bad that they're not close anymore ?

 

Another heavy sound and a flash of lightning makes him look up, he turns to the window where Steve is and he sees heavy raining and there's thunder and wait, _what_ , wasn't it sunny like twenty minutes ago ?

 

“What the fuck.”

 

“Language.”

 

Steve turns to him and Tony looks at him with a pointed look.

 

“Really ?”

 

“Swearing is rude.”

 

“Oh sorry, Dear Holy Spirit.” Tony joins his hands, and lowers his head. He hears Steve laughing and the laugh echoes within him a thousand fold.

 

“You're such an idiot.”

 

“You love it.”

 

And Steve looks at him, still slightly laughing , shaking his head at his bestfriend, and Tony doesn't care that there's a storm outside, doesn't care that it's pouring buckets , doesn't care that there's thunder and he's kind of scared of it, but he doesn't care. He doesn't, because he's with Steve, and Steve always makes him feel like he could do anything.

 

“Are you hungry ?”

 

Tony's stomach seems to have a mind of his own, because the minute Steve says those words, his stomach growls and it's loud and he feels a blush heating his cheeks and he looks up at Steve, with a shy smile.

 

“I guess so ?”

 

“I'll go and make dinner.”

 

Tony nods and it's odd, and it's not odd at the same time , because there's familiarity in this moment, Steve and Tony being together, Steve going to make dinner, while Tony is just going to watch and he gets up and follows Steve into the kitchen and sits on one of the stools at the counter and Steve gets him a glass of water and Tony isn't really a water guy, he likes beer and wine and any kind of alcohol and water just never seems to be the first option, but it's nice and he gladly takes it and he watches and they talk as Steve is cooking and it's nice and it feels like they've always been like this. And Tony doesn't even care that he should be home and not here, not with Steve, but if it's something he shouldn't do, then why does it feel so good ? It's not a bad thing, not for him, it's the best thing, being with Steve, being with his bestfriend is the best thing, and if someone is going to blame him , then hell, he'll take it, he'll take anything for Steve. He'll walk through fire and get shot a thousand times, he'll face endless lines of storms if it meant that Steve was waiting for him on the other side. And he's not quite sure why he feels this certain inclination towards his bestfriend, and it's funny because it feels new but not quite, as if the feeling was always there, but he's never been aware of it before. He's not sure what it is, but it's okay, he's home.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG FIRST ALMOST KISS? AND KIND OF DOMESTIC STONY? LIKE HELL YEH!  
> Let me know what you think :)  
> Love always :)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, lads.  
> ( read the notes at the end if you don't want to hate me. )

**xxv**. _brontide // the low rumble of distant thunder_

 

“Okay, where did you learn how to cook ? Seriously ! Where ?! ”

 

Steve chuckles as Tony is filling his plate for the third time ; he's not complaining though, spaghetti with chicken and tomato sauce are what he can do best, thanks to his mom ; he remembers when she taught him how to cook the simple dish just so he would know how to feed himself if she had a late shift. Steve smiles, sadly indulging the memory of his mother and her absence.

 

“Hey, what's wrong ?”

 

He looks up at Tony, who's frowning at him ; he clears his throat and shrugs.

 

“Ma taught me when I was kid.”

 

“And you still remember ? I can't even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday.” Tony says with his mouth full.

 

“Don't talk when you're eating, it's impolite.” Steve says, and Tony rolls his eyes but he makes sure to swallow his food before talking again. “Why not today ?” Steve adds.

 

“Because I didn't have breakfast today ?” And it sounds like a question, like Tony doesn't even know himself and it brings Steve back to when they were kids, when Tony would spend days in his room, creating and building new things or making scientific discoveries and if it wasn't Steve, he wouldn't have known what day it is or remembered to eat or drink something else other than coffee.

 

“You're impossible.” Steve chuckles, rolling his eyes.

 

“Just lost track of time.”

 

“You need to eat regular meals, Tony.”

 

“I just forget, it's no big deal.”

 

“It is, it's not good for your body to go under starvation.”

 

“Well I have you to remind me, now ?”

 

Steve is about to answer but Tony's words have him frozen, and why does it feel like flirting ? Why does it feel like they're in a relationship ? Why does it feel like he and Tony have been living together forever ? Why does it awfully feel like déjà vu ?

 

He brushes the thoughts away, he shouldn't feel like that about his bestfriend, _his brother_. But they almost kissed, Steve would have kissed him, hadn't it been for the sudden thunder and lightning bringing the raging storm outside, Steve would have kissed him. And brothers don't kiss, right ? Brothers aren't supposed to kiss., neither are bestfriends, so why did he suddenly feel the urge to ?

 

He turns to the window, and sighs as the rain is pouring outside, he can't even believe how this morning the sun was shining so bright it made him sick and now there's a storm outside. He can hear thunder far away and there is lightnings sometimes, making the room go bright and he doesn't like storms, hates them, because anything can happen in a storm and he's really trying to keep his mind away from all the bad things that could happen during the storm, all the people out there that could get hurt, all the people who aren't protected and..

 

“Hello ? Earth to handsome blonde !”

 

Tony's voice brings Steve back to reality, Tony is not sitting in front of him anymore though, he's next to him, leaned against the edge of the table and Steve looks up and Tony is looking at him with

wide puppy eyes and it's a little dark in the room and Steve can see a certain glint in Tony's eyes, and it's unfamiliar and familiar at the same time, and Steve is awfully aware of the small distance between them and he feels his skin tingling at the proximity of their bodies, and it's like electricity is running through his veins and his whole body isn't responding to his brain.

 

“Are you with me ? Do you even hear me ?”

 

Yes, he does, Steve does hear Tony, but his mind can't function properly, all he feels is sparks and the thunder outside only echoes with the one inside of him, and he inhales deep before he gets up from his chair and takes a step away from Tony, a large step.

 

“I am going to go and clean up the kitchen.”

 

He turns away from Tony, avoiding his face and intends to take the dishes and take them back to the kitchen sink and he has a dishwasher but it will occupy his hands and his mind for a while he thinks, besides there's only a couple of plates and it's okay, really. He takes his time though, he takes his time washing up everything and he cleans the kitchen counter, wiping everything until it's shining new and Tony has left to another room, Steve doesn't know which but he doesn't want to think about it right now. When he's done, the room smells of clean products and fresh lemon, he likes it.

 

When he goes back to his bedroom, Tony is on the bed, visibly changed into clothes – _Steve's clothes_ and Steve's breath gets caught in his throat and he's not even sure he owns the clothes Tony has on and they look good, _better_ on him than on Steve and he feels a little offended. And turned on.

 

“I didn't know you had one of my Stark phones. It's not even out yet.” Tony says , and he holds up the device in one hand and Steve is surprised to see the phone, he hasn't used the thing much since he's had it. “Did you steal it ? Have you actually been secretely stalking me this entire time ?”

 

There's a playfulness in Tony's voice and Steve's mind screams and he thinks _forbidden territory_ but his mouth has a mind of its own and the words are out before he thinks them.

 

“You wished.”

 

And Tony chuckled and he starts playing with the phone and Steve smiles and the feeling of déjà-vu comes back to him, and it's so weird and he shakes his head and heads towards his cupboard to get some clothes for the night. He usually sleeps naked, or just with boxers but he doesn't think that attire would suit the situation. He goes out to the bathroom and change quickly ; he doesn't know why he feels the need to change in private, he's seen Tony shirtless countless times when they were younger, and so did Tony him, so what's the big deal ? He doesn't know, doesn't and when he heads back to his room, it's all dark and the only source light is from his phone and it's weird because he didn't know his phone could do that. The gadget is showing a kind of simulation with glowing points and it's purple and a bit yellow and there's white too and it's beautiful.

 

“What is it ?” he whispers, and he's not sure why he's whispering, but the moment seems sacred somehow.

 

“Since there's a storm outside, and we can't watch the sky, so I got into a satellite so we could see the stars.”

 

“You _hacked_ into a satellite ?” And Steve is half-whispering , half-yelling, and Tony bites his lips and the stars seem to dance on his face.

 

“It's not like they were really high-tech with their firewalls.”

 

Steve sighs and he goes to the other side and lays down on the mattress. Tony turns on his side and puts the phone between them, and it's beautiful, and immensely intimate and it feels like two nights ago when they ran away and watched the stars after getting pizza and beers and slept on the hood of a car. But somehow, it's different, it's different , as if something has changed between this moment and now ; and maybe it has. Maybe something has changed, and they're not quite the same, Steve thinks, he is not quite the same, something has changed inside of him towards Tony, he's just not sure what.

 

He stares at the stars for a while and he watches as they move around them and it fills the room at some point and he can't help but being admirative of the beauty of the universe laid out in front of him. He's about to tell Tony that he's thankful for that but he catches Tony's eyes and they're already on him and there's a slight smile on his bestfriend's lips and Steve ends up staring at his lips again and maybe he shouldn't, because now, they're close, and in a bed, and things could go wrong, they could go _so_ wrong.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that ?” he asks, his voice only a whisper.

 

Tony doesn't answer right away, no, he keeps staring at Steve for a while and his eyes travel on Steve's face as if they're taking all of him in and then Tony sighs, a bigger smile playing on his lips.

 

“You're still beautiful.”

 

Steve's hearts skips a few beats at the words and he knows what Tony means, and he can't say anything because nothing comes to him, and Tony is not drunk anymore, and Steve can't use that excuse anymore, and Steve can't find any reason not to right now, so he scoots closer and plants a kiss on Tony's lips. It's quick, and very brief, and _his first_ and he never thought he'd be the one initiating his first kiss but here he is. He scoots away almost as immediately and he lowers his eyes because he doesn't want to see Tony's face after this, doesn't think he could handle whatever emotion his bestfriend is sporting.

And he shouldn't have kissed him, because they're bestfriends and bestfriends don't kiss, neither do brothers, and oh,wait, what.

Tony's hand is on Steve's cheek and there's lips against his. And oh, wait.

 _What_.

Tony is kissing him. Tony is kissing him. And it's soft, and he's pressing softly against Steve's lips, and Steve's eyes flutter closed and his hearts is about to jump out of his chest and Tony breaks the kiss, smiling and Steve is about to go in for more, because he needs it, but Tony is faster and he bites Steve's bottom lip and hell. _He's going to hell_ , he thinks.

Tony smiles and he has a content look on his face and Steve mirrors him and they don't speak after this, they just smile at eachother and they share eskimo kisses and Tony moves the phone and places it on the bedside table and he moves closer to Steve and he nuzzles his nose in Steve's neck and Steve bites his lips because he's ticklish and he's not sure that bursting of laughter is going to help contain himself right now. And he feels Tony's soft lips on his skin then and he holds a breath and he feels chuckling against his skin and a quiet _sorry_ after that. Steves smiles, even though Tony can't see him, and he wraps his arms against Tony, and he can feel his heartbeat against him, can feel his warmth and can feel all of him and he wants to kiss Tony again, but he decides against it. Instead, they just hold eachother tight, close, with no space between them, and their heart merging into one another.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY GUYS GET TOGETHER ALREADY  
> Haha, happy? :) :) :) I AM  
> Anyway, I'm moving into my apartment tomorrow, I won't have internet on my laptop at first, so I'll probably upload from school, so It might take some time before a new chapter comes up but I'll do my best.  
> BUT HEY THEY FREAKING KISSED IT'S ALL GOOD AND HAPPY and it's all going to shit really soon so enjoy that !  
> Let me know what you think :) and thank you for those who still reads this :)  
> Love always  
> UPDATE 4 September 2016: I already wrote the three next chapters coming after this so I am going to try and find a free wi-fi spot in my town to post them for you guys !


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM BACK! ( from my uni library but still kinda back hey ! )  
> So here is the chapter of the morning after the kiss omg!  
> Btw do people still read this like... Is anyone here?  
> Let me know what you guys think!

**xxvi**. _compunction // a feeling of uneasiness or anxiety of the conscience caused by regret for doing wrong or causing pain_

 

Tony is a bad person, he is, he knows that. Back in boarding school, he never really paid attention in class, skipped most of them, only cared about inventing now things and creating his A.I. And then, back home, he would not really interact with anybody he didn't want to talk to, apart from his mother and the butler Jarvis. Then, Steve arrived in his life and Tony felt like he was turning into a good person ; that's what happens right ? When you spend time with a good person, you turn into a good person, don't you ?

 

So why , right now, as he listens to Steve's peaceful, calming, regular breathing, with Steve's arms wrapped close around his smaller body, why does he feel like the worst person on earth ? He kissed his bestfriend , and that felt like a billion of stars were exploding in his body at once, but then reality came back crashing and he remembered.

He is engaged to Pepper and he just cheated on her. And that makes him the worst person ever.

But it's not really cheating, is it ? They didn't sleep together, they only kissed and laid side by side. It was just a couple of kisses, nothing more. They didn't cross any line, as far as he knows. He always thought that he would never cheat on anyone, but then again, he isn't good at keeping self-promised deals.

 

He can't stay here any longer, he can't stay here and dwell on himself when he's hurting two of the best persons he's ever known. He slowly takes Steve's arms and unwraps them from his body, and the cold hits him and Steve's skin is so warm and Tony almost wants to say _screw it_ and stay with Steve between the sheets. He takes one last look at his bestfriend and it pains him to leave, Steve looks so peaceful and Tony has never felt anything like this before, he's never been conflicted about leaving someone alone in bed, ever, but this is different. He feels different, and it stirs something inside of him he wasn't aware of before, but he can't stay, that he knows.

He grabs his shoes at the end of hte bed and runs for the front door, he doesn't know how he manages to to put his shoes on while going down the stairs ; considering he almost tripped twenty times, it is a miracle.

 

It's still raining outside and when he gets to his car, he stays a moment still on the wet pavement, he takes a look back to the building, and raises his head to what he knows now to be Steve's window. He doesn't care about the rain soaking his clothes – no, Steve's clothes, and he's sorry that they're soaked because they might lose his scent, his fragrance – , all he cares about is that Steve is alone in these cold sheets and Tony is cold too and everything is different, everything is changed now.

 

He turns away before his mind decides to go back inside and joins Steve again and stay there forever. He gets into his car and starts the engine, driving home but why does it feel like he just _left_ his home ?

 

 

Tony knocks on the door of Rhodey's apartment for the third time, the third time in thirty seconds, he hears shuffling on the other side and he mentally urges Rhodey to get the door already. Rhodey does eventually and he doesn't even have the time to speak before Tony bargs in, already blurting out words.

 

“Rhodey, finally ! I need your help with something , like-”

 

Tony stops in his tracks, and stares at Stane from accross the room ; many questions run through his brain as the old man looks at him with vulture eyes and a hyena-like smirk.

What is he doing here ?

Is this the first time he's come to see Rhodey at his apartment ?

Since when do Rhodey and Stane even talk to eachother ?

 

Tony turns to Rhodey and gives him a pointed look that screams _what the hell_ , to which Rhodey raises an eyebrow that says _please behave_. Tony is not sure why he should behave, but then again, he's not sure of many things these days.

 

“Anthony , what on earth happened to you ?” Stane explains.

 

Tony can't blame him for asking, he looks down at his clothes, he's soaked from head to toes and he didn't really bother until now, while Stane is probably making assumptions in his head , and Tony can't really blame him for that either ; he's done worse in his life, but he always managed to look like he had his shit together. He doesn't think he looks quite as presentable right now.

 

“It's raining outside.” That's all he can says, and it's the truth, the rain is partially the reason why he's in such a state. Why he was outside in the first place is a whole other story he's not going to tell right now.

 

“Well, I can see that. But-”

 

“What are you doing here ?” Tony asks, interrupting Stane.

 

The look that Stane has after Tony cuts him scares Tony a little bit, as if the man is about to punch him right in the jaw and not let him go until he's bleeding all over and puking his organs. But Stane does none of that, he just smiles, and it scares Tony a little more, and Stane readjusts his blazer vest on him, before clearing his throat.

 

“I was just leaving actually.”

 

He takes a few steps, passing by Tony without a glance to him. Tony doesn't turn around but he hears Stane and Rhodey exchange a few words and Tony wants to roll his eyes at the ridicule of the whole situation.

Once the door is closed, he turns to Rhodey and places his hands on his hips.

 

“Okay, you better tell me what he was doing here or we're not friends anymore.”

 

“Tony please, stop being a child.” Rhodey sighs and goes to make coffee for the both of them, while Tony sits down on Rhodey's couch, he's going to get it all wet but oh well.

 

“I'm not being a child !” Tony retorts. “ It's just... Do you guys do this often ? Have little one on one meetings ? What do you guys even talk about anyway ?”

 

“He's worried about you, T' .” Rhodey explains as he sets down two mugs of coffee on the coffee table in front of them.

 

“Like hell he is.”

 

“I didn't believe him at first, but _hell man_ , we all are ! First you go all MIA on your engagement night, only to come back like nothing happened, then last night I get a call from Pepper all freaked out telling me that you're not home. What is wrong with you, man ?!”

 

“Pep called you ?”

 

“Of course, she did Tony !” Rhodey exclaims and Tony jumps a little. “ Sorry, but you can't expect us to not be worried about you if we don't know where you are.”

 

“I wasn't in danger, okay ? Nothing is going to happen.”

 

“Yes, that's what you said the last time, and look what happened.”

 

Tony prefers to focus on the mug between his hands rather than his friend's face ; Rhodey is right, he shouldn't go off like this, not letting anyone know where he is. He already got himself in danger once, he can't let it happen twice.

 

“I'm sorry, I won't do it again.” And he feels like a child being scolded and he hates it, because it's not his fault.

 

“It's okay, little jerk. Where were you ?”

 

Tony thinks and thinks and thinks, he can't say he was with Steve, no, he can't. He has to think of something, of a good lie, a really good one, that only involves him and no one else, so if he needs proof, it would only be his word and no one else's.

 

“Just out, I needed to clear my head a little.”

 

“What's bothering you ?”

 

Tony shakes his head, he can't tell Rhodey what happened, sure, they're friends, _bestfriends even_ , but Tony can't tell him about Steve , nor the kiss ; Rhodey would flip and be mad about him and there's already one person who's mad at him so he's not risking that.

 

“Nothing, look, I should go home. I shouldn't have come here, I just.. I need to go home, okay, hum, yeh ! “

 

Tony is already out of the door , before Rhodey can say anything. He takes the stairs again because the elevator would take too much in time and he doesn't have time, he needs to go away, he needs to leave and go home.

 

He probably breaks a few speed limits on his way back to his mansion, but he doesn't care, he'll pay whatever tickets the NYPD wants to give him as soon as he gets home, as soon as he's in his workshop and as soon as he forgets about the world and starts working again. He needs to do something with his hands, he needs to tear something apart, needs to break, destroy, fix, create, build anything. When he reaches the mansion, he's breathing like a bull and his heart is pounding in his chest. He's two steps in and on his way to his workshop when he's stopped by a figure he knows too well.

 

“Where on earth were you last night, Tony ?”

 

Tony stays frozen for a while and he doesn't listen to Pepper's rambling about how she was worried, about how something could have happened again, about he should have called, blah blah. He doesn't listen, nor think about anything else. He doesn't think when he crosses the space between them and kisses her forcefully. He pushes her against the wall, and kisses her, and his clothes are wet and he's pushing into her, and it feels _wrong_. It feels wrong to be against her and it feels wrong to kiss her and it feels wrong to touch her. He takes a step back and he tries to recollect himself ; he looks at her and she's watching him with worried eyes and it's like he didn't even kiss her, and he wished he didn't, he wished he didn't have her lips printed on his, taking away the feeling of Steve's on his.

 

“Tony, what is wrong with you ?”

 

He doesn't know, he doesn't know what is wrong with him, he doesn't know why it feels more right to kiss his bestfriend instead of his fiancé. He doesn't know why his skin hurts where he touched her . He doesn't know why she feels wrong now, she didn't use to feel wrong against him. He doesn't know anything anymore.

 

He takes a few steps back from her and shakes his head. His brain is a mess, he hates it, he can't think, it's all blurry thoughts and undistinctive shapes and he's about to break down. He feels Pepper's hands on his face. He grabs her and holds onto her as he starts sobbing into her. She holds him and rubs his back. The feeling is familiar, and he remembers when his mother used to do this when he was either sick or cold during winter ; it was a long time ago, and he misses her , he misses her so much, he wishes she could be here ; he knows she would have never let him cheat on anyone, ever.

 

“Tony, talk to me..”

 

“Just hold me, please.. I just need you to hold me..”

 

And she does, and she keeps a strong hold on him as he keeps sobbing and he's a mess, but she doesn't mind, she's seen him in worst states and she is always there when he needs her, and she always will be.

 

 

“I don't drink tea, Pep.”

 

“Drink it.”

 

“Yes _ma'am._ ”

 

Tony takes a sip of the burning liquid, and he must admit that it does taste nice, _cranberry and honey_ she said it is, but it's whatever, he's not going to make a habit out of it. She's watching him carefully, sitting next to him in the bed, in comfortable leggings and a tank top ; her auburn hair lose on her shoulders. She helped him clean up, made him take a good burning shower and put on some clothes ; he's not allowed to go to the workshop, her orders, and he isn't sure how he's supposed to cope with that.

 

“Thanks, it's nice.” He says.

 

“Tea is nice, you should have more of it.”

 

“I doubt I would.”

 

She chuckles at him and he smiles ; he doesn't know how she puts up with him, but he's not about to test his luck.

 

“Are you going to tell me why you run off ?”

 

“I didn't run off. I wouldn't do that to you, you know that.”

 

“You better not. Because if you do, I will find you and drag you to the altar myself.”

 

They both chuckle at her words but he knows she's not joking ; she would do it, if he ran away, she would find him and drag him back from wherever he was. Because she's Pepper and she's strong, and she's fierce and everything he's not and she reminds him of his mother and he loves her so much he doesn't know

 

“You should go to sleep.”

 

“Care to join ?”

 

She smiles at him, and shakes her head, but she still gets under the covers with him and he holds her close to his chest and she falls asleep in ten minutes, but Tony doesn't. No he stays awake for a long time while she's asleep in his arms ; it's so strange, having her in his arms, holding her, being next to her. Again, it feels wrong, so wrong, but it feels wrong to be with her, as if he's cheating on Steve. But no, he's not with Steve, he's with Pepper, they're _engaged_. Steve is only his bestfriend, his _brother_.

But he realizes something ; if it feels like you're cheating, you probably are.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLE UPDATE ?! Yes please!   
> Wait a minute for more...  
> Like we say in french : Jamais deux sans trois..

**xxvii**. _flare_

 

When Steve wakes up, the bed is empty ; his hands find nothing and he opens his eyes only to find an empty space next to him. Disappointment fills him but he knows it was going to be this way. He knew, of course he knew. Tony is engaged, as if he was going to stay with Steve after a simple kiss. Steve turns around to lay on his back and sighs ; he is stupid to even think Tony would have stayed, he's so _so_ stupid.

He gets up and goes to take a shower, he spends a bit of time staring at himself in the shower. His face doesn't look as tired as before and that's a good sign isn't it ? He stays under the shower for a long time before he hears knocking on the front door. He quickly gets out of the shower, thoughts running through his head. Maybe it's Tony ? Maybe Tony came back ? Maybe he only left for a couple of minutes ? Maybe Tony actually went and bought them breakfast ?

Steve smiles at the thoughts and runs towards the door, while he's putting on his shirt and pants. He opens the door and his smile fade a little. Wanda is standing in front of him, with a brown bag hanging her elbow ; Steve tries to hide his disappointment but the young girl quickly sees through him.

 

“You were expecting someone else.”

 

It's not a question, and Steve feels uncomfortable by the fact that she seems to read him like an open book. He clears his throat and smiles at her, he didn't expect her but it doesn't mean that she's unwelcome.

 

“It's okay, please come in.”

 

She steps in and takes a look at the apartment. Steve goes and gets her a glass of water and they settle on the couch. She takes a sip and looks around and she has a small smile as she takes everything in. Steve stares at her as she does so ; memories of the lunch at the Bartons' household comes back to him and how he ran off after he and Wanda spoke. She puts her glass back and turns to him.

 

“Thanks for the water.”

 

“It's alright.”

 

“I've come to apologize, for making you run off. I'm very sorry.”

 

“You didn't mean to.”

 

“But I shoudn't have said all these things to you, especially since you're not ready to hear them.”

 

“What do you mean ?”

 

Wanda sighs and lowers her gaze ; she shakes her head.

 

“It's not my place to say. Besides, it's too early in the day to talk about things like this.” She looks through her bag and takes something out , an object wrapped in craft paper with beautiful and colourful shapes drawn on them. “Here, it's for you.”

 

He takes it and she watches him carefully as he's undoing the wrapping around the gift.

 

“It's my favourite book, I thought that you might like it. Reading is a good way to take your mind off things.”

 

Steve opens the book in front of him, _Myths and Legends of the Ancient Greece_ , and he takes a quick look and he knows already he's going to like it. He's always liked these kind of stories ; it reminds him of all the nights he used to spend at the Stark mansion, reading books with Maria in the office. He smiles at the memory and looks up at Wanda. She's watching him with the same smile, the kind you have when you're remembering something good.

 

“Thank you. You didn't have to.”

 

“I wanted to.” She says, getting up. “ I just came to give you this, I don't want to bother you any longer.”

 

“You're not, really.” Steve corrects her, standing up as well. “And actually, do you mind if I .. come with you, wherever it is you're going ?”

 

He hasn't thought of it, it's really a spur of the moment kind of thing and he knows it's not polite to impose himself on someone like that, but he needs to get out of here, out of the flat. Wanda gives him a look.

 

“Are you sure ? I'm just going to buy some art supply and probably walk around a little.”

 

“I really don't want to stay in today. ” He blurts out, and Wanda nods, and an emotion settles on her face, one he doesn't know, but it's gone in a moment before she smiles again.

 

“Well, let's go then.”

 

“Okay, just let me put on some jeans.”

 

She chuckles and nods at him and he goes off to put on a pair of jeans before they leave the apartment together.

 

Wanda and him end up spending the whole day together ; going from art supplies shop to vintage book shops to little café-dinners in Brooklyn. It's nice to walk around his neighbourhood and see old things he used to see when he was just a kid and new things that changed after he moved to the Stark mansion. He finds nice art supplies in a shop but he realizes that he doesn't have any money on him, so Wanda ends up buying his stuff too.

 

“Next time you need supply, it's on me, promise.” He tells her as she's paying.

 

“I'll hold you up to that.” She winks at him.

 

They go off and have lunch in a little café ; as they wait for their orders, they talk about nothing and everything.

 

“So you're an art student ?” Steve asks, taking a sip of his strawberry milkshake – _you have to try it !_ Wanda said, so he did.

 

“No, psychology. Art is my minor.”

 

“Which school do you go to?”

 

“Columbia. Clint and Laura wanted to put me in a good school with a great psychology course.”

 

“You're interested in that ?”

 

“It's interesting.” Wanda nods and the waitress comes back with their orders, grilled chicken and french fries with the both of them. They hold up their drinks and start eating, but Steve wants to know more about her ; he can see she's a good person, a good kid.

 

“What's so interesting about psychology ?” He tries to appear nonchalant about the whole discussion but the topic is tying knots in his stomach and he's not sure he's going to be able to eat his food.

 

“It's good to know how you can help people getting over their worst fears, what triggers them, how to stop them from having panic attacks, etcetera.”

 

She keeps her eyes on her plate, but Steve sees a shift in her posture, she seems less open, less herself, like she went into a place far away in her mind. He remembers her words when they first talked, how she just looked at him and knew he was not happy, not okay. And he sees why now, she knew because she was just like him.

 

“You've lost someone.”

 

She doesn't answer, just stares down at her plate and plays with her chicken, and Steve just feels so bad, hates himself for running off on her like this the other day. Because he sees now that she didn't want to hurt him, she just wanted to talk, because she knew how he felt, _feels_.

 

“My twin brother. When I was nine. It was a ..hum, a car accident.”

 

“You don't have to..”

 

“No it's okay. It's a step forward , to be able to talk about it. It's a good thing and I need to do it.”

 

“Did you get that off one your books ?”

 

“No. James taught me that.”

 

He's not used to hear people calling Bucky by his first name and it must mean something if Wanda is allowed to call him by that. He looks down at his own plate, his mind filled wih his own memories of hurt and self-loath. Memories of Syria comes back to him, and smoke and dust, and Bucky bleeding in his arms and he shakes his head. It's not the right time to think about this, he can't afford to have a panic attack right now. Wanda takes his hands accross the table and gently squeeze it.

 

“It's okay to let the memories in. Even the bad ones.”

 

He tries to focus on her words and her hand on his, and not what's going through his mind. He focuses on her face and she nods at him, with a supportive smile, still holding his hand. He regains a steady breathing and he doesn't trust his voice but he mentally thanks her for that.

 

 

When he drops her home, it's already 5 p.m - they spent some time in a park, in utter silence, they just drew and Steve was quite impressed by Wanda's skills, she surely has talent – and they find Clint and Bucky in the living room ; when they enter the room, the two men turn to them, they seemed to be in a pretty chirpy situation and the smiles on their faces only grow wider once they see Steve and Wanda.

 

“Ha my two favorite people !” Bucky says, getting up with open arms.

 

Steve is about to hug-greet Bucky but Bucky skips him and hugs Wanda instead. The two of them hug for a while and when they step apart, Bucky keeps his arm around Wanda's shoulder and kisses her forehead. Steve clears his throat, crossing his arms over his chest like a child.

 

“Hum, hello, what about _me_  ?”

 

“Oh sorry honey, do you want a kiss ?” Bucky leaves Wanda's side and he reaches for Steve, lips puckered and Steve laughs and gently pushes him away and they all laugh and Steve hasn't laughed like this in a long time and it feels good, it feels so good, he feels like new air is filling his lungs, and he shoves Bucky's shoulder gently and Clint invites him over for dinner and Laura comes back from her shop exhausted and it's Wanda and Clint behind the stove and Steve won't tell but the potatoes weren't really good and the chicken was almost burnt.

 

 

“So Wanda and you spent the day together ?”

 

Bucky and Steve are walking side by side on the pavement, it's completely dry now ; if Steve hadn't been in New York in the last couple days and someone told him there had been a storm, he'd probably laugh at them. Steve wished the evening didn't have to end, but Bucky and him promised to come back very soon ; he liked being around his friends, they made him feel good, and he could use that right now.

 

“Yes, she's a nice kid.”

 

“You better _not_ steal her from me.” Bucky says and his voice is full of mischief and Steve chuckles at how silly Buck can be sometimes.

 

“What's going on with the two of you anyway ?” Steve asks, turning all serious.

 

“Please, don't give me that look. We're friends, besides she could be my sister ?” Bucky says, raising an eyebrow. “But she helped a lot. You know, after what happened in Syria .. and my arm.. it took me a lot of time to accept it. I hated it, I hated looking at it, I just did.”

 

The words seems heavy on Bucky's lips and they're walking a bit slower now and it's kind of a chilly evening and it's not uncommon to have this kind of weather in april but Steve secretely hates the cold.

 

“And one day, Clint and Laura introduces us to this kid, to her. And she is just this sweet kid, so young, so pure, with those sad eyes like she's fighting her own wars too you know. And she helped a lot. She made me realize that I was lucky to be alive, to have an arm. She helped so much. She went through hell herself, but she's always so positive, y'know, it's kind of inspiring.”

 

Steve stays silent because he saw how Wanda is, he understands how she must have helped Bucky, he wonders if he's one part of the reason why she chose to study psychology, so she could help people like him. Like them.

 

“God, I sound like I'm in love with her or something.” Bucky says, softly laughing.

 

“Should Nat be concerned ?” Steve replies, a soft smile. He can imagine Bucky and Wanda together, but then again, he can't not imagine Bucky and Nat together.

 

“Nah” Bucky says, shaking his head. “ Nat is my endgame, Wanda is my bestfriend.”

 

“Wait, should _I_ be concerned ?” And Bucky turns to him with raised eyebrows and Steve grins at him and they start laughing and they continue talking about everything and nothing until they reach Steve's building, and they don't talk about Tony or anything that's related to him and Steve isn't sure why he's content with that but he is.The two friends hug before Bucky goes home on its own and when Steve gets in bed that night, he brings Wanda's gift in bed with him, and he falls asleep his mind filled with myths and legend of soulmate love and wasted chances coloured in red and gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody ! So I just wanted to clarify the title of this chapter and the chapter itself if some of you felt confusing : Steve is sad, okay. He hasn't really come to terms with that fact yet, he doesn't want to admit that there's something wrong with him but he kind of knows that feeling sad all the time isn't right. That's why he just asks Wanda if he can spend time with her, because he knows he's going to drown in his sadness if he stays at home, he doesn't want that ; also he doesn't want to stay in a place where Tony and he shared something and be sad again. He's trying new things. Bare with the guy. I am trying to make this story as realistic as I can, it's not going to be a fairytale-like story, far from it.   
> Hope you still enjoyed the chapter:) hope to hear from you guys soon ! Love you always :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO TRIPLE UPDATE BECAUSE I JUST COULD NOT JUST UPLOAD TWO CHAPTERS !  
> You're very welcome ;)  
> Soooo enjoy the chapter!

**xxviii** _. abience //  the strong urge to avoid something or someone_

 

 

Tony is in the workshop when Pepper comes back from work ; he's working on some improvments in their home security system ; he had this idea of improving his A.I, but it was taking a bit more time than expected. He hears the _click-click_ sound of Pepper's heels on the metal stair<cases and a second later, a groan.

 

“I hate your freaking company.”

 

Tony smirks but doesn't turn around ; he just needs to finish this paragraph of coding, and everything should be just fine.

 

“You will never guess what Stane said at tonight's meeting. You will _never_ guess.”

 

“Something ridiculously stupid about how he wants the company to be in the future but he still doesn't realize that we're not listening to him anymore ?” Tony tries.

 

“ _Precisely_. And the audacity, _the nerve_ that this man has of coming into a meeting that he could obviously skip , _but no_ , he has to come and flaunt his condescention and sexism around and..-”

 

“Wait, what ?” Tony's fingers stops typing all of sudden when he hears Pepper's last words, and he spins around on his chair. “ Sexism ? What do you mean ? ”

 

“Oh yeh, that. That was nothing, really.” But Tony is not buying it, he is not, because he knows Stane ever since he was 16, and if he knows something about the old man, it's how rude and mysoginistic he can be.

 

“What did he say to you ?”

 

“Tony, it's nothing, really.”

 

“What. Did. He. Say. To. You ?” He marks a pause between every word ; he's pissed, upset. “I want to know. Word for word.”

 

She sighs and bends down to take off her heels.

 

“He said that I wasn't qualified to be your assistant, and that my position was only the result of us being engaged.”

 

Tony doesn't move, he doesn't speak, he doesn't do anything , he just looks at Pepper as she massages her feet. He wishes Stane was in front of him right now, just so he could punch the man. He wants to find Stane and punch him, and punch him again, over and over and over until his face is only bones and blood. But it's not the right moment for that.

 

He slides off his chair and walks towards her ; he scrouches in front of her and puts his hands on top of hers, she slowly looks up at him and he hopes that the anger he feels towards Stane isn't visible.

 

“You do know, that what he said isn't true.” He whispers and he rubs her skin gently. “You do know that ?”

 

She nods once but she lowers her gaze and Tony hates when she's down, when she's feeling like this and he knows the feeling enough to know it's not a pleasant one, and worse, when it's coming from someone else ; god, does he hate Stane.

 

“You're my assistant because you're the most qualified person I have ever met, hell you could rule the company ! You're more qualified than any of us, you're stronger than any of us, Pep' ! And Stane is an idiot, he only said this because he knows you can outrule him in a second, because that's the kind of person you are. A strong, smart and one of the best person I know.”

 

She smiles and looks up at him ; her smile is genuine , he sees it, but her next words surprise him a little bit.

 

“Why not _the_ best ?”

 

“Well, there's Steve and Rhodey up there too.”

 

He doesn't register his words until they're out of his mouth, and he slaps himself for mentionning Steve. Tony has actually been quite good at not thinking about Steve since he's came home, it's been two days and he's buried himself in his work and it has worked so far, but it seems as if two days is the limit of his studied carelessness.

 

“Steve ?”

 

Pepper tilt her head on the side, and Tony knows that look, knows it all too well, because now Pepper is going to want to know, who's Steve, how does he know Steve and everything that is associated with Steve whatsoever.

 

“Who is he ?”

 

“Hum, just a .. hum..” Tony tries to find the best words to describe Steve but none comes to him right now, and it feels like there's so many, but not enough at the same time. “I never told you about him ?”

 

“Not that I can recall.”

 

“Well, he's.. he's just an old friend who served in the army and now he's back in New York.”

 

Tony gets up and turns back towards his desk ; _an old friend_ is a lame way to describe Steve. Tony has a lot of old friends, still he doesn't go around kissing them and cuddling them afterwards. He starts typing again, hoping Pepper will drop the subject, but of course, luck isn't on his side.

 

“Why don't you invite him over for dinner someday ? How about tomorrow night ?”

 

Tony shakes his head quickly, still typing. “ You know, he's probably very busy, hum, we shouldn't..”

 

“Why don't you call him now ?”

 

“Hum..”

 

Think, Tony, think.

You don't have his number.

He secretely memorized Steve's number when he played with his phone, and may or may not have put his own number into the contact list.

Steve probably won't be able to come. He's busy.

Not true. Steve isn't busy.

Tony himself can't last night.

Okay, that one isn't going to work.

 

“I'll just go get my phone..” Tony sighs and gets up once again to go and fetch his phone on the other side of the room ; he hears Pepper chuckle and he wants to run away from this situation. He finally finds his phone and takes a deep breath before turning around, Pepper is playing with Dum-E and You and he feels like crying. He clicks on Steve's number and puts the phone to his ear.

Don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pic-

 

“Hello ?”

 

Oh shit. Shit, _fuck_ , what does he do now ? What do people say on the phone usually ? God , what, how.

 

“Tony ?”

 

Oh, yes, right, Steve is still on the line, Steve , it's Steve, his bestfriend, he can do this.

 

“Yeh, huh yeh it's me. Hi, what's up ?” Tony stutters with his words, and since when did speaking become so hard ?

 

“I'm good and you ?”

 

Right now ? Not really good, to be honest, but Tony doesn't say that, oh no, that would make him look more pathetic than he probably already does.

 

“Doing great as usual ! So Pepper and me were wondering if you'd like to come and have dinner at home.”

 

The words come out of his mouth pretty fast and he hopes Steve understands him because he's not sure he might be able to repeat himself.

 

“Dinner ? At your place ? ”

 

Steve's voice is calm, and sweet , and Tony wishes they were in the same room right now, just so he could reach out and kiss his voice, kiss those sweet lips and drown, drown in Steve, drown in whatever he's feeling.

 

“Yes, tomorrow night.” Tony adds and his heartbeat is speeding a little bit.

 

“Okay, I'll be there. What time ?”

 

“Hum, how about 7 ?”

 

“Sweet, see you then.”

 

Steve hangs up and Tony is left speechless, holding his phone to his ear. Steve didn't even ask anything about him ; he just said yes to the dinner and hung up, what the hell ? Tony kind of expected him to say no, especially after what he did.

 

“So ?”

 

Pepper's voice breaks his little train of thoughts and he turns to her, trying to hide the confusion written all over his face.

 

“He said yes. 7 pm, tomorrow night.”

 

“Oh that's great then ! I'll come home early, so I can cook.”

 

“We don't have to do this, you know..” Tony tries again, hoping that she drops the idea. He doesn't want to face Steve tomorrow, or any day. Tony feels too bad already after what he did, leaving Steve like this, without a word, running off like a thief, he doesn't know how he could possibly explain himself. But he has the feeling he's going to have to, sooner or later.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hihihihihi ... Dinner at the Stark household? That's something I might enjoy writing! I am sort of drowning with school work and boy problems but I am doing good and alright :)  
> If you guys ever want to talk to me directly about anything ( you can come to me and rant i really won't mind ) , here's my tumblr : cuddlingmess.tumblr.com !  
> Also, comments are appreciated!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : Hey everybody /people still reading this, who's still reading this tbh ? Here it is ! An update, yeah !! I know it's looooooong overdue, but The thing with being social is that you actually to maintain the social contact and I only just found out ?! And also, university homeworks are freaking hard. Why did I pick design guys ? I am so tired and my depression is peaking again so yeh. But enough about me. Enjoy the chapter really, and if you thought the previous ones were bad and sad and angsty, well, you don't know the half of it. Brace yourselves for what's coming next, lads. Until then, love always.  
> Iswa:)

**xxix.** _compunction 2.0_

 

“So Tony is your bestfriend ?”

 

Wanda is sitting accross from him, they're in a little coffee shop with Bucky and they're enjoying a little time together, it's really hot outside and Steve found the courage to go outside and Bucky and Wanda had plans so they brought Steve along with them. Steve finds it nice, he likes Wanda's company and it's history with Bucky, and he thinks these two work well together. They've been talking for hours now, drinking iced coffee and biting into cupcakes – Steve is going to jog tomorrow morning, because six cupcakes is a bit much – He doesn't remember how they got to the Tony subject but it's alright, _he's okay_ , he thinks.

 

“Yeh, after my mom passed, his mother took me in. We're like bestfriends..” Steve's trails off, he's not sure why his words feel like venomous lies on his tongue. Tony is his bestfriend, it's true, it's _always_ been true, so why doesn't he feel like he is anymore ?

 

“You seem unhappy about that.” Wanda says, and she has a serious face on and Steve hears Bucky's mumbling words under his breath, he doesn't quite understand them but it's Bucky, it'll come out loud soon enough. “ Don't you like the fact that you two are bestfriends ?” Wanda adds.

 

“No I do ! We've always been bestfriends ! It's just..”

 

“Just what ?”

 

Wanda tilts her head to the side, and Bucky focuses his gaze on Steve, he's awfully quiet and it makes Steve uncomfortable, and he's not sure if he's capable of telling them, his closest friends right now what happened with Tony. It's a memory that Steve wants to hold close to him, and keep to himself as long as he can, he wants to never speak of it, he's afraid if he speaks of it out loud it's going to leave him.

 

“It's just.. I feel like a dinner is a bit .. too much you know ? I mean, I don't know his girlfriend.”

 

“You would , if you had stayed at the engagement party.” Bucky retorts and his jaw is locked and his eyes are dark, he's radiating anger almost and Steve sits straight in his chair.

 

“I didn't mean to leave, Buck.”

 

“Oh yeah sorry, you didn't mean to leave with your so-called bestfriend !”

 

“James. Calm down.”

 

Wanda puts a hand on Bucky's leg, Steve guesses she does, he doesn't really see her hand but he's seen her do it before. It's strange, he thinks how easily Bucky seems to calm down as soon as Wanda touches him and it's funny because the scene seems familiar, but it's not one he's seen before.

The feeling of _déjà vu_ hits him and he shakes his head and gets up from the table.

 

“Look, I don't have a lot time before the dinner so I probably should go home.”

 

He takes out his wallet and he almost stops at Bucky's pleading _Steve_ but he is kind of upset right now and he needs to go home or else he's going to be late. He throws a couple of bills on the table and turns around, walking out of the café. Bucky's reaction seems a bit excessive to him, yes they're bestfriends too but if it's jealousy, then there's no need to be, really. Steve and Tony have been apart for years literally and Steve knows that he couldn't choose one over the other for anything in the world. He walks quickly towards his apartment, he feels his phone buzzing in his back pocket but he ignores it ; he's pretty sure it's Wanda or Buck and he doesn't want to talk right now. He finally gets to his building and to his apartment. He takes a deep breathe once he's in, once his heartbeat slows down a little ; he can't let himself be so worked up for something as childish as a little argument with his friends. He takes his phone out , planning to send a text to Wanda and Bucky ; he finds their names several times , because of missed calls and unread text messages, but there's Tony's name too and Steve's breath gets caught in his throat and he almost chokes. He opens the text message and his eyes linger a little bit too long for it to be reasonable.

 

**From Tony :**

 

_Hey Blondie ! I hope you haven't changed your mind for tonight, because someone is going to pick you up at 6:45 pm so you better be ready !_

 

Steve reads and reads the message again and again until his words become blurry and he's shaking his head. He checks the time and it's already 5:52 pm ; he curses and runs towards his bathroom. He can't believe he's going to be late for this.

 

 

It's 6:50 pm and Steve's leg is shaking as the driver is taking him to Tony's place. To say that Steve is nervous would be an understatement, he's freaking terrified. He's going to see Tony for the first time, after the night they spend together, his heart is beating so fast in his chest at the thought of Tony, he thinks it might explode. _Breathe, Steve, just breathe_ , he tells himself, closing his eyes, taking in deep breathes. The car comes to a stop and Steve slowly opens his eyes. He lets out a breath and opens the car door before the driver – Steve hasn't said a word to him the whole drive here and he feels like he should, but he doesn't know what to say. The man leads him up the stairs, to the front door ; Steve knows his way, but well, he feels so small, so embarassed to be here, around all this greatness, the brightness of the whole place. The driver opens the door, and enters in ; Steve follows him in, looking at his feet. He takes cautious steps, he feels like if he steps somewhere, or puts his foot the wrong way, someone will scold him. The whole place is shining, a bright white for the walls and golden pieces and shiny marble spread around the entrance hallway , Steve thinks he might be going blind.

 

“Oh, you must be Steve !”

 

Steve turns around to the voice and faces a beautiful red-haired and blue eyed woman. She's wearing a night blue shirt and a pencil skirt with heels and Steve feels his heart tightening in his chest. She is freaking gorgeous, and she seems to be the type of women you can't say no to ; how can he even think of competing with her , she would crush him with her heels. She's smiling at him and he does too out of politeness, but he wants nothing more than run as far as possible from here.

 

“I'm Pepper.” She speaks up again, offering her hand.

 

Steve takes it, and they shake hands gently. He's feeling so unconfortable and embarassed, and ashamed for an obvious reason. He's meeting Tony's fiancée, the one he's going to marry, the one who is shining with love and happiness from being engaged to Tony. Steve feels the guilt and the shame settling inside his bones.

 

“Come on, let's get settled in the living room.” Pepper offers, and leads him to another room. “Would you care for a glas-.. Oh Tony, here you are !”

 

Steve stops in his tracks, and he looks up, and maybe he shouldn't have, it feels like his heart drops in his chest, and it's strange, - and funny – because the feeling is somehow familiar and he feels weak and hot and he's suffocating andit's all going to fast and he's going numband then Tony is in front of him and their eyes meet and Steve knows then, knows he's in love, in love with his best friend, in love with an engaged man, he knows he's screwed for the rest of his life.

 

“Hey stranger.”

 

Tony's voice reaches him in slow motion, and Steve feels like he's going to throw up, there's a lump in his throat, threatening to choke him. _Speak Steve, say something, play it cool, casual._

 

“Good evening.”

 

His words make Tony chuckle for some reason, and Steve feels the heat reaching his cheeks, but Tony's smile is warming all of him, so it's okay really.

 

“Look at you, always so formal.”

 

Tony's lips curve upward, and Steve's heart is doing sommersault in his chest – one more and he might _die_ – and Tony's eyes aren't leaving his face, and his smile isn't fading away, and okay, he needs to stop.

 

“Don't tease him just yet, honey. We haven't even had dinner yet.”

 

Pepper. Oh yes, _Pepper_ , she's here, less than two feet away, watching this whole scene, god.

 

“You're right.” Tony turns away, and Steve takes back all his thoughts about Tony stopping, _no don't ever stop_ , Steve thinks now. “Let's have a drink first. How about that ?”

 

Pepper smiles and grabs Tony's hand and Steve watches as their fingers intertwine and he nods.

 

“Drinks it is then.” And he sees Tony frowning for a second but he brushes it off, and follows Pepper to the living room, and he thanks her when she hands him a whisky. The liquid burns his throat as it goes down but he welcomes it, he's going to need the burn and the pain to endure tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is highly appreciated :)  
> Love always xxx


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo so so so sorry for this long awaited chapter! But school is being a bitch and homework has been the death of me for the past couple of weeks! But here it is !  
> Let me know what you think of it :)

**xxx**. _dysphoria  // a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting_

 

When Tony saw the clock hit 6 p.m and Pepper came into the workshop to drag him out and have him take a shower, he felt like he was cornered in a sticky situation, not knowing how to get out, and he didn't like that very much. He is Tony Stark, the solutions for his problems have solutions ; he wants nothing more than flee away, but he can't. Because the only place, _the only person_ , he wants to run to is the one specifically coming to his place.

 

He is fastening his white shirt when he hears the sound of a car engine getting closer. _Here goes nothing_ , he thinks as he is putting his black vest on. He's made an effort to dress formal, as Pepper _gently_ asked him to, and he thinks he looks handsome much, but he takes a moment to gather himself before he heads downstairs, he's going to see Steve for the first time after leaving him alone after the night Tony spent in his apartment, in his bed, after they kissed. He doesn't know how Steve is going to be, how he's going to react. Is he going to be angry ? Tony doesn't want Steve to be angry or mad at him, all Tony wants is to spend as much time with his bestfriend as possible.

He sighs, and heads out of the bedroom. He takes a few steps out and he walks down the little corridor towards the stairs, where he can see the main entrance, and he lets his eyes travel and settle on the two figures present there. He sees Pepper and he smiles at the sight of her, she's beautiful, in her “casual” outfit, and he loves her, he does, she's amazing, and he's so lucky to have her in his life. Tony's eyes finally settles in Steve and Tony suddenly feels all warm and hot inside and it's like electricity is running through his veins, his whole body and Tony wants to run to him and take him away and never leave him again. Tony doesn't think anymore, he doesn't even want to think anymore, his feet have a mind of their own and they take him down the stairs, and he thinks he hears Pepper's voice but he doesn't know what she's saying, he only focuses on Steve. He only sees Steve, Steve and his perfect blond hair, and his blue eyes, and perfect pink lips and Tony wants to kiss him, he wants to kiss his life away and never have to stop, he missed the feeling of Steve's lips on his, he missed it so much, he needs it, he craves it. He wants to kiss Steve like he's air and he needs to breathe. He's in front of Steve now and they're so close but too far , and Tony almost wants them to be alone so he could kiss him. But is it normal, to want to kiss your bestfriend , _your brother_  ? But Steve doesn't feel like a brother anymore, hasn't for a long time now, and Tony feels his skin itch at the thought that Steve is so close to him but untouchable. His mind tells him he needs to say something, otherwise it's going to be weird if he doesn't.

 

“Hey stranger.” He speaks and he congratulates himself for saying something without sounding like he's needy. Steve doesn't answer right away, but Tony takes the time to watch him even more, he doesn't tear his gaze away from the other man's face, he just waits and waits for Steve's response.

 

“Good evening.” And Tony chuckles because that is _so_ like Steve, that is so something Steve would say and Tony smiles and shakes his head because that's his bestfriend and he wouldn't have it any other way.

 

“Look at you, being so formal.” Tony teases even more and he sees the hint of pink on Steve's cheeks and that makes him smile even more, but then Pepper's voice brings him back to reality , and oh yes, she's here, _his fiancé_. He turns to her, looking away from Steve and takes a couple of steps towards her and she grabs his hand and lace their fingers, and her skin never felt more cold , more uncomfortable against his, and he can't help but feel the difference with Steve's, soft, even, _perfect_. He suggests they have drinks for starters and Steve agrees eagerly – way too eagerly, if you ask Tony ; he's generally the one jumping on the alcohol, not Steve - and the three of them head towards the living room to kick off the evening.

 

Three courses and many drinks later, they all are sitting around the dinner table, Steve at the bottom seat, in-between Tony and Pepper ; the dinner wasn't so bad, they had conversations about each other - Tony secretely made sure to remember every single story about Steve in the army he told – and the atmosphere is full of laughter and jaw-aching smiles.

 

“So, Steve, anyone special in your life ?”

 

 _Of course_ , that question had to be asked. _Thanks Pepper_ , Tony thinks. The genius takes a sip of his drink, his eyes fixated on his blonde bestfriend, who's circling his finger around the edge of his glass. Tony can see, can feel, the sudden change in Steve's posture, he's sitting up straight, jaw clenched, eyes focused on the liquid in his glass.

 

“No, no one special.”

 

“I'm sure you will find someone.” Pepper continues, she's had a couple of too many drinks and some way too strong for her feather-light self. “ You're a very intelligent and handsome man, girls must be lining up the block to date you.”

 

Steve looks up briefly at her, then his eyes shift to Tony's and there's something there, something Tony sees but can't identify and he hates it, he hates not knowing, but mostly he hates not being able to read Steve's mind. They used to be in sync with one another as kids, Tony remembers, they used to know what the other thought, felt, wanted, with just one look, sometimes not even have to look. But there, in this moment, Tony doesn't know what Steve feels or thinks and it bugs him.

 

Steve clears his throat, and tears his gaze away, and Tony will die lying saying that didn't actually hurt him.

 

“Well, I'm not really looking right now, so..”

 

“It's always when you're not looking for love that it finds you.” Pepper interrupts him. “ That's what happened with us”, she turns to Tony and leans into his shoulder, smiling like a little child on the 4th of July. “ I wasn't looking and he found me.”

 

Tony wants to smile down at her, he really does, she's cute and adorable, saying all those things and in other circumstances, he probably would have pinched her cheeks and kissed her forehead, but right now, he wants to crawl into a hole and never come out.

 

“You should have seen when he asks me out the first time. We were arguing as always and he just asked me out of the blue. So unpredictable.”

 

“Tony is known to do unpredictable things.” Steve adds, taking the last sip of his glass and putting it down. “ I think I'm going to head home, It's getting pretty late.” He gets up from the table, and his hosts mirror him.

 

“Let me drive you home.” Tony says, but Steve shakes his head immediately.

 

“No, I'm good, thanks. I can call a cab.”

 

“Steve, let Tony drive you, it's alright.” Pepper insists.

 

“Steve. Please.” Tony's tone stops Steve in his tracks, and he sighs. Tony smiles, and they all exit the dinning room. Steve takes his jacket while Tony says goodbye to Pepper – he feels a bit bad letting her alone when she's drunk but he wants to have a few moments with Steve, just the two of them. He gently kisses her on the forehead, then he meets Steve back in the hall and the tall blonde goes for the door but Tony grabs his wrist, stopping him.

 

“No, come this way.” Tony whispers, and he drags Steve with him, away from the entrance, through the kitchen, and the open lounge area, until they finally get to a large white door. Tony pushes it open, and he stops , flicking a switch on. There are cars lined up in the massive garage, all beautiful and shining, some vintage ones, some sports one , a true collection of jewels Tony is most proud of. He smiles and turns to Steve ; his bestfriend is slightly in awe and his eyes are roaming over all the cars.

 

“Beautiful, aren't they?” Tony speaks up.

 

“They're .. magnificent.”

 

Tony chuckles at Steve's face, he feels so warm and comfortable around Steve, just like when they were kids ; Tony squeezes Steve's hand, still in his, and leads him further into the space.

 

“Which one should we take for tonight ?” Tony asks.

 

“This one.” Steve nods at the Audi R8 V10, at the end of the line and Tony grins.

 

“God, can I love you more.” Tony whispers.

 

“What ?”

 

“Nothing. Let's go. ”

 

Tony goes first and opens Steve's door, and then jogs to get in the passenger seat. He looks at Steve once he's in the car and he stops for a moment. Steve doesn't say anything, just looks back , blue meeting light brown, and they both don't move for a few minutes.

 

“Why are you looking me ?”

 

Tony wants to answer, he desperately wants to say something, say that he feels like looking at a god, at a miracle, he wants to say that the warmness inside shouldn't feel so good, he wants to say that he wished Steve were his. He wants to say that he's sorry for leaving without a word, without a note. He wants to say so many things, but none of them crosses his lips ; he focuses his gaze back on the wheel and starts the car, exiting the garage.

 

The drive is quiet, too quiet, it's not the type of quiet that Tony is used to with Steve. Between them the silence has always been nice, comforting, relaxed, peaceful, but right now needles of uneasiness and balls of awkwardness are dancing in the air between them and Tony can't help but feel like it's his fault. And it is, right ? It is , because he's the one who left, he's the one who left his bestfriend in the morning after they kissed. Tony doesn't know what to do. Tony doesn't know what to do because whenever he's with Steve, he's losing control and he doesn't know how to do when he's not in control.

 

Tony stops at a red light and the silence between them is unbearable. The road is desert, and Tony turns to Steve ; the blonde man has his eyes fixated on his hands resting on his lap, and Tony thinks _beautiful_. And he is, Steve is so beautiful, the city lights on the side of the street are illuminating his face and Tony's breath gets caught in his throat and the words, what he's been wanting to say all evening, are out before he can stop himself.

 

"I missed you."

 

The words stay in the air, floating between the two friends, Tony can almost see them. He sees them, and he sees Steve's body tense up when they reach him. Steve clears his throat and raises his head, but he doesn't look at Tony once.

 

"The light's green."

 

Tony would lie if he said he expected this, he didn't. Steve's face is hard, his jaw locked , Tony has never seen Steve like this. He doesn't say anything though, he just starts the car again and turns right , into Steve's neighbourhood. Tony slows down as he gets closer to Steve's building, he looks at Steve , ready to drop him but at the last minute he decides against it. He press the speed pedal, and the car goes off ; Steve lets out a small yell and grabs the seat. Tony drives, and drives and doesn't listen to Steve's protests and questions. _I can't leave him like this_ , Tony thinks, _I refuse to_.

 

He finally stops when they're near on the shore showing the Upper New York Bay ; it's funny because that's where they ended up on the night of Tony and Pepper's engagement party ; that's where they ended up when they escaped the party and had a little outdoor pizza and beer session. The car stops and Steve is out in a second, and _okay, what ?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated :)  
> Who's excited for the next chapter? It's going to be the winter break soon so I'll have time to write and post hopefully !


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, to the few left who are still reading this, thank you for staying with me and putting up with my story! Things are going to start escalating very quickly from now on, and it's going to be pretty ... angsty? So brace yourselves, lads!  
> Enjoy reading this chapter !

**xxxi**. _rubatosis // the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat_

 

Steve gets out of the car the minute it's stopped, and walked down the way they just came through. He can't believe it. So many thoughts are running through his head, so many incoherent things and he can't focus on just one and he's shaking, his whole body is shaking. He feels a hand on his arm and that sends him off.

He sees black and red and smoke.

He hears gun riffling and bomb explosions.

His whole body feels numb. His head is spinning.

Everything is blurry and loud around him. He hears himself call for Bucky multiple times.

Then it stops.

 

 

“How long do you think he's going to be out ?”

 

“I don't know, panic attacks can be quite long to overcome.”

 

“But how.. I don't understand it, we were driving, okay I was driving fast but it's not like he can't be used to it, I mean, with everything you guys went through..”

 

“Look, Tony, I don't know what you thought you were doing, but driving off at an ungodly speed without the consent of the passenger isn't something you do to anyone !”

 

Steve can't hear what they say after that, Tony's voice is muffled and he feels so tired. Exhaustion has settled in his bones so he turns on his right side, facing the wall and not the door, he blocks out Bucky and Tony's voice and his mind turns to darkness.

 

 

When Steve wakes up, the first thing he sees is the blinding rays of sun passing through the small space between his two curtains. He squints his eyes and turns around, sighing ; he sees a tray on his bedside table. _Strange_ , he thinks ; he lifts himself, resting his upper body on his elbow, and look at the tray. There's a pile of pancakes next to a cup of tea, and a little note. Steve reaches for it, and his heart skips a few beat when he reads the words. The handwriting is messy – typical of Tony's, Steve would recognize it with his eyes closed- but it's so sweet and so unlike anything he knows.

 

_Made you breakfast, in case you don't feel like getting out of your room when you wake up. - T_

 

Steve smiles at the words, appreciating the gesture ; he indeed doesn't feel like getting out of his room, like Tony had guessed but he doesn't feel like eating either. But he does want to know where Tony is – if he's still here, Steve dearly hopes so.

He takes a moment to gather himself and takes a few deep breaths, he doesn't know if Tony is still here, but if he is, Tony will try to talk about what happened last night, Steve himself can't even remember the events properly.

With a sigh, he gets out of bed and stretch, his neck feels stiff but he'll deal with it later. He walks out of his room and walks towards his living room and scans the room hurriedly. He spots Tony right away and he can't help but smile at the sight. Tony is laid out on the couch , one arm hanging off the edge, and one arm over his face, Steve can see his chest rising and falling in a peaceful rythm. The blonde man takes careful steps towards the couch, he kneels down on the floor, and shamelessly stare at his bestfriend in front of him. _Tony is so beautiful_ , Steve thinks to himself, as he admires every features of the brunette's face. He notices the little rough dry patch of skin on Tony's fingers, the dark circles under his shut eyes, his pointy messy hair - they look dry but Steve knows that if he'd run his fingers through them , they'll be as soft as silk - , the prominent trail of freckles accross his nose and cheeks. Steve smiles at them, he remembers drawing them when he was a kid, when Tony would be home on holidays and he would be buried down in his homework or building something and Steve would spend hours filling pages of sketchbook of Tony's eyes, Tony's hands, Tony's whole face, but if you ask him, he'd probably lie.

 

“Staring is rude, in case you might not know.”

 

Tony's voice startles Steve and his heart skips a beat as a pink blush appears on his cheeks travelling down his neck ; he lowers his head trying to hide the warmth he feels all of sudden.

 

“Aawn Blondie is blushing.”

 

Steve's head rises up at the nickname. “ Don't call me that !” he snaps, slightly hitting Tony's stomach. “I don't like it.”

 

“You think you can stop me, _Blondie_  ?” Tony pops himself on one of his elbows, raising an eyebrow at Steve.

 

“I can !” Steve says in a challenging tone.

 

“I'd like to see you try.” Tony chuckles at him, a smirk

 

He's full of sass and Steve secretly loves it, he wishes he could just be as sassy and proud and confident as his bestfriend. And he is, in a way, but only around Tony. He's only truly himself around Tony.

 

Steve gets up to sit on the couch, Tony moves a little bit to give him enough space to sit but they're touching, and Steve can feel the wamrth of his body through his shirt and he wishes there was no clothes between them right now so they could be skin to skin and- _Stop it brain_.

 

“You think I can't stop you from calling me blondie ?” Steve asks, with a playful tone.

 

Tony frowns at him. “ You seem pretty chirpy for someone who had a panic attack last night.”

 

Steve's body tenses up and he moves a bit on the couch, his position shifting so that his face is away from Tony's sight. His heart is racing suddenly in his chest and he feels the urge to rip it out of his chest, just so it would stop bothering him.

 

“What are you talking about ? I didn't have a panic attack. I'm fine.” Steve tries to keep a calm tone, but his words come out shaky.

 

“Steve. We need to talk about it.” Tony says , a certain softness that makes Steve turn around and face him again.

 

“No. We don't. Now can we please.. stop talking about this ?” He's pleading, begging ; he hates that but he won't show.

 

Tony looks at him, with calm and sweet eyes and he nods ; Steve releases a heavy sigh. His heart starts slowing down a little bit, which feels good.

 

“Okay, so what do you want to do ?” Tony asks.

 

And as Steve turns to him, he sort of wishes he hadn't, because there's a few strands of hair falling on his forehead, before his eyes, and Steve can't control himself at this point. His heart is doing sky-high jumps in his chest, re-doing the furniture around his ribcage, and his brain is in distress, and he doesn't think when he leans down to kiss Tony. It's a quick kiss, just lips against lips , because he doesn't know what Tony wants, isn't sure if Tony would kiss him back. And he leans back, but he stays close to Tony's face, and Tony's eyes are closed and Steve looks at him and Tony opens his eyes, and he smiles as Steve's blue eyes meet his. Steve sees the smile on Tony's lips, and he wants to kiss it away, he wants to kiss Tony's smile until it fades, but he doesn't want it to go away. The paradox is unsettling and igniting a fire inside of him.

 

“That's what you wanna do ?” Tony whispers against his lips.

 

Steve wants to scream yes, he wants to shout it at the words, he wants to hold Tony forever and lock him up so they'd never have to be apart. But he can't ; he can't because he doesn't trust his voice, the words on his tongue are being trapped down by the racing beat of his heart. So he just nods, and he places a soft kiss to Tony's lips. Another quick one, and Tony chuckles and the vibration echoes within all of Steve's body. Tony bumps their nose together, before reaching out to Steve's lips. And this time it's Tony kissing him, and Steve is blown away, because it's not just a quick kiss, it's not just soft and sweet ; it's long and passionate and full of concealed emotions. And Steve is losing himself in this kiss, he's giving all of himself, all he has, and he hopes it's enough, hopes Tony keeps it. And there's a tiny part of his brain that whispers _cheating_ but he brushes it off ; he knows it's bad an engaged man, he knows it's a sin, but he's sinfully happy being against Tony and kissing him into oblivion. He'll happily go to hell if it meant dying by Tony's lips on his.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is very much appreciated :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYBODY !  
> Happy Christmas Eve! Hope you're having a wonderful day, I hope you get everything you want!  
> I'll try to post a chapter before leaving for my trip after Christmas , but I'm not making any promises!  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I don't like it much, but it's one of those chapters that I hated writing because of my morals so yeh x) Here we go. ! Enjoy!

**xxxii**. _gnossienne //  a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life_

 

Tony is one of those people who doesn't like being woken up, mainly because he doesn't sleep much in the first place. So when he's actually finally going to sleep, he wants it to last, but someone somehow always wakes him up. And it annoys the brunette more than anything. So he does what he does best on a daily basis : throw a sarcastic remark with a snappy tone and prays that the person leaves him alone. But it's Steve – of course, it's Steve, because it's Steve's apartment, and Steve's couch and why wouldn't he be here ? - and Tony doesn't ever want to leave him, he already did once, he's not sure he'd handle it a second time. And Tony thinks it's strange, how so many things have changed about Steve in the time they were apart. It's like there's this whole part of him that Tony is unaware of and he wants nothing more than to open every closed door but he's not sure Steve would let him.

 

That's mainly why Tony is surprised when Steve kisses him, because Steve isn't one to initiate things like this, but then again, it was Steve who kissed him the first time, so it shouldn't be a surprise anymore. But it still is, Steve still ends up surprising Tony and the genius isn't going to lie , saying he's not turned on by that.

 

 

They're currently laid out next to eachother, in Steve's bed ; Steve is drawing in a sketchbook and Tony is writing equations. He hoped the numbers would calm his constantly moving mind but no, he couldn't stop the questions from flowing. The main one being : what exactly happened last night ? Tony still doesn't know what made Steve freak out like that. Tony remembers every single second of the panic attack , Steve shaking and blurting out incoherent words. Tony remembers Steve calling Bucky's name over and over, in a frenzy, and it was only when Bucky arrived near the shore that Steve stopped shaking and screaming, but then he started crying. And that was a scene Tony wasn't going to forget anytime soon.

 

“What are you doing ?”

 

Tony turns to Steve who's still drawing, eyes set on his paper, but he looks at Tony once, waiting for an answer. Tony likes to see him like this, happy, in his own element, Tony always liked to watch Steve drawing, it's always been his favorite thing to do, right before building things.

 

“Tony, is everything okay ?”

 

This time Steve stops and turns to him, looking at him and it's funny because if Tony had only arrived this morning, then he would have never guessed Steve had a panic attack, it's almost like it never occured for him. Tony shrugs, turning back to his phone.

 

“Just working on some equations.”

 

“Nerd.” Steve chuckles, but he leans closer to Tony, putting away his sketchbook. “What is it ?”

 

“This is one's based on the Basel problem. ”

 

“What's that ?”

 

“The Basel problem is one of the most interesting maths problems ever. See,if you take the reciprocal of all the square numbers, and then add them all together , then you get pi squared over six.” Tony explained, quickly typing the equation on his phone to show Steve.

 

“Hum, okay. But what's all of the other stuff ?”

 

“This equation is sort of linked to another one, the harmonic series as it's called, it's pretty random to be honest.”

 

“Why so ?”

 

“See, this is somewhat unintuitive if you're not that into science, because it says that if you add a bunch of numbers that keep getting smaller ,and eventually become zero, they still reach infinity. Yet if you square all the numbers, it doesn’t add up to infinity ,it adds up to pi squared over six. So , they're linked. And I am just trying to figure out where these two meet.”

 

Steve nods, he looks like a little kid right now, Tony thinks, he can see it , he can see the little softness in Steve's features, the unruly hair falling on his forehead, the skin around his eyes looking like silk. Tony thinks _beautiful_ and he feels so happy, so content that he's here with Steve, next to Steve. He realizes as he watches his bestfriend reading the complicated equations that he missed Steve all theses years, missed his eyes, his hair, his face, his hands, he missed holding Steve's hands, missed talking with Steve about things that interest him, he missed spending time with Steve, he missed his bestfriend.

 

“I missed you.”

 

Steve looks up, and gives Tony a smile, and Tony feels his insides exploding, as if his heart had given birth to a billion butterflies at the sight of Steve's smile. Is that possible ? Is that a medical condition he should take care of ? He wonders.

 

“You're cute.” Steve says, he leans up and tap Tony's nose with his finger.

 

Tony crunches his nose, and shakes his head, Steve chuckles at the sight and rests his head on Tony's arm. The brunette continues his equations, laid out next to his bestfriend, a certain happiness sinking into his bones.

 

 

Tony hates being woken up, that's already been said ; but twice in just one day ? That's a record. This time, Steve isn't just staring at him, he's shaking him slightly, and that's not something Tony appreciates on a daily basis, but it'll let it pass – because it's Steve and his sweet voice as he's saying his name sounds like angels singing.

 

“What is it ?” Tony mumbles, eyes still closed.

 

“Your phone rang. It's Pepper, she called.”

 

At the sound of Pepper's name, Tony's eyes shoot open and he rises straight, grabbing his phone from Steve's hands. His brain becomes all alert, and he gets up from the bed, rapidly checking his text messages and voicemails. He has a few dozen of voicemails from Pepper and a couple from Stane.

 

“Shit ! Shit ! Shit ! I gotta go !”

 

Tony runs out of the room, grabbing his jacket from last night, he feels Steve behind him. He turns around and faces him.

 

“I'm sorry, are you gonna be alright ?”

 

Steve nods, shrugging. “ Yeh, sure go home.”

 

Tony bites his lips, he can sense something is wrong, it's written all over Steve's face, but Tony has to go because he had a meeting, and he should be over there at this exact moment, but he's not, and it's important so he has to go, but Steve's face is cold and stoic, and Tony wants to soften the edge around his mouth, but he can't, not right now, he has to leave.

 

“If you want me to stay, I can come up with something.”

 

He looks at Steve, hoping whatever he's feeling can be conveyed through his eyes, but Steve's face remains closed to Tony and he hates that he can't tell what Steve is thinking or feeling. He hates it more than the fact that he has to leave, has to leave him behind _again_.

 

“Go.” A pause. “She's waiting for you.”

 

The words are harsh, rough ; nothing like earlier when they were both in bed and chuckling and smiling up and down at eachother talking mathematics and falling asleep next to one another. It seems so far away.

 

“You should go, otherwise she's going to call again.”

 

Tony sighs at Steve's words. “I'll call you.” he tries.

 

“Yeah, whatever, close the door behind you.”

 

And then he's off, he's off, in his room, closing the door behind him and Tony wants nothing more than going after him but he has to leave, _he has to_. He turns his feet around, grabs his keys off the counter and closes the door on his way out. He stays a minute on the doorstep, before heading towards the stairs.

 

 

Tony walks through the glass doors and instantly starts talking, as always.

 

“Okay, before you yell at me, I actually had a good excuse.”

 

Pepper and Stane stop their conversation , and turn to him. The look on their faces is one he doesn't like : anger and disappointment.

 

“Okay, why the long faces ?”

 

Pepper pushes a newspaper at him. “ You might want to take a look at this.”

 

Tony walks towards the desk and takes the newspaper in his hands and his breath gets caught in his throat. In big bold headline letters, the sentence : **PRINCE TONY STARK WITH A MISTERY MAN SEEN IN BROOKLYN.** Tony reads some of the article concerning him, the picture distinctively shows him, but Steve is hidden in the shadows, thanks to the streetlights. Tony skips to the page of the article and reads it halfway, then drops the paper on the desk.

 

“It's bullshit, a bunch of lies , nothing more.” He snaps.

 

“We know Tony. The point is, some people are actually going to believe it.” Stane says.

 

“Oh, that I am a playboy and a cheater ? Please, this used to be tabloids' habit to spread rumors like this.”

 

“But you're engaged now Tony. Rumors like this could be ignored when you were single and partying and doing God knows what else. But now your engagement with Pepper is public, we can't afford to face this kind of publicity. And it's not right for the company either.”

 

“Look, I'll handle it okay ? I'll post something on my Facebook account or tweet something, I don't care, I'll fix it, alright ?” Tony tries.

 

He hopes his words sound true, because they don't sound true to him, but he's used to lying, learned it from his father, he's used to make up lies on the spot, so he's sure he'll be fine.

 

“Well, we'll live that up to you then. Now, moving on to the company's shares on the stock, we're doing very well at the moment..”

 

Tony tunes off the rest of the conversation, he turns to Pepper and openly stares at her. She hasn't looked in his way once since he took the newspaper, she hasn't met his eyes once and he can see her jaw is clenched and she has that light frown that makes her look so serious. He knows it's his fault. He knows he messed up, he was only supposed to drop Steve home, but no, things didn't go right and he ended up staying almost the whole day. It's his fault, he knows that.

Suddenly, Pepper turns to him and he tries a smile, but she doesn't smile back at him.

 

“Tony ?”

 

The genius turns to Stane, his smile fading.

 

“Yes ?”

 

“I said, what do you want our next move to be on the stock market ?”

 

Oh, but Tony didn't hear a thing of what Stane just said, he doesn't know what they're doing, doesn't know what their next move should be. He doesn't know what he's doing here, he feels so out of place.

 

“Hum, can I let you know in a few days ? I hum, I still have a few softwares improvments I need to work on, so I'll let you know how that turns out, then we'll figure something out.”

 

Stane looks at him with piercing eyes, as if he's trying to see through Tony, see through the words, though the front of lies he's flaunting. But Tony keeps his face straight and closed, and his mind goes back to Steve _obviously_ and he remembers how Steve looked when he left his place, only an hour ago, and Tony almost wants to run out of the door right now to go back to him. But he can't, because Stane is smiling at him, a smile that screams evil and malice and Tony isn't fond of it.

 

“Sure, I'll check in with you in a couple of days.”

 

Tony nods and leaves Obadiah exiting the room , before turning to Pepper.

 

“Honey, I'm so sorry , I know I should have called you, but..”

 

“Save it.”

 

Tony stops at the harshness in her voice, she doesn't usually speaks to me him like that, and on any other day, he would have commented on it, but right now, he knows he deserves it.

 

“Honey, I..”

 

“Do you know how hard it is , to wake up and have your phone blowing up from people asking you how you feel about your fiancé cheating on you ? Do you know how hard it was, when I called you a dozen of hundred times and you didn't answer me once ? And when I finally see you, you look like you spent the night having sex ?!” Pepper's voice is calm, steady, you wouldn't even guess she's furious right now if you couldn't see her. But Tony can see her and he sees the vein on her right temple making an appearance, and he knows it's bad.

 

“I don't. I'm sorry, I should have called. I just..-”

 

“Yes, you should have Tony. And it hurts to know that you didn't think of it.”

 

“I did think of it !” _Liar_ , he thinks. “ But.. Steve, he..” He's not sure he can explain what happened last night, he can't even explain it to himself. It's all still blurry in his mind ; besides he's not sure he can say it to her.

 

“What's with Steve ?” Pepper ask, and there's concern in her voice and Tony didn't want to worry her, but he has to tell her if he doesn't want her to think low of him.

 

“He panicked about something when .. when we were talking and he just freaked out, and I stayed with him to make sure he was okay. I couldn't just leave him.”

 

Pepper is watching with squinted eyes and she doesn't seem to buy it. “ If you're making this up..”

 

“I am not, Pep' !” He raises his voice a little bit. “ Steve is- , he's my bestfriend, I would never lie about him.”

 

“I know, I'm sorry.. I was really worried, Tony.”

 

“I know, I'm sorry about that.” He goes to take her hands and rubs his hands over hers.

 

He smiles at her, and this time, she smiles back, and he feels relieved, and he loves her, he does, he really does, but there's something missing in that love and he's starting to realize that, but he can't point his finger on it. And as she hugs him, he thinks she feel so different, but he's not sure if it's because he's got used to someone else or if it's because things have changed. He tries to push it away as he kisses her, focusing on the feeling of her lips and not the ones he's missing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated ! ;) And Merry Christmas , Happy Hanuka , Happy everything!


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello peeps ! Here is a new chapter! And funny thing , I actually had to stop myself from writing, otherwise It would have been a ten-page long chapter haha! But still , hope you enjoy this chapter!!

**xxxiii**. _savior_

 

Tony doesn't call, of course he doesn't. It's been four days and he hasn't called Steve once. He said he would, but then again, Tony promised a lot of things to Steve in the past and he hasn't kept any of those promises. So why would it be any different now ? Steve knows Tony won't change, because Tony is Tony, he's a Stark and Starks are a one-sided coin Steve never knew how to use properly.

He's watching the bottom of his glass through the beverage, the blonde beer seemed nice for the first few sips, but now the bitter taste makes Steve want to throw up. He's considering drowning himself in the liquid but he's not sure it'd be enough. He can hear Bucky telling some stories to the others, with his loud booming voice. He's tuned out forever ago it seems, the words are foreign to him and he whispers a quick _excuse me_ to whoever is paying attention before escaping to the bar's toilets. He walks towards the small room , still holding his glass full of beer, and the door closes behind him and he's surprised by the size of the rom. There are three stools, one for women, another for men, and the last one is for disabled people, there's a chair against a wall, at the very end of the room, right next to the sink. The walls are covered in graffiti, handwritten words spread in between the drawings. Steve hesitates for a second before walking towards the chair. He examines the room for a moment, looks at every single piece of graffiti , his eyes scanning every color, every letter laid out on the concrete wall. He remembers when he used to love painting as a kid, he loved laying down colors on a canvas and merging them into new ones and creating new visions. He remembers when he would spend days working on a drawing or on a handmade craft. He remembers when the future didn't bother him, because he didn't need to worry about it ; he was happy. And happy people don't worry about tomorrow. With this in mind, he gets up from the chair, and takes a large sip from his beer, downing the rest of it in one go.

 

He finally exits the bathroom area and goes back to the bar.

 

“A whisky. Double.” He tells the bartender, sitting on a barstool. Ordering more alcohol is probably not a good idea, but a lot of things don't sound like a good idea to him right now so oh well.

 

“Make it two.”

 

Steve turns to the man who just sat next to him, he's tall, with dark smooth looking hair and his piercing hazel eyes suits him well. The stranger is smiling at him, but Steve doesn't return it.

 

“Hi, I'm Greg.” The man, Greg, introduces himself as the bartender hands them their drinks. “Thought I could use a drinking buddy.”

 

“Hum. Okay.” Steve answers, wariness clear in his voice. He takes his own drink and it's gone in one sip. The liquid burns his throat as it makes his way down his throat and he makes a face. He needs to stop, he knows he shouldn't drink , he should probably go back to the table where his friends are.

 

“What's bothering you so much?”

 

Steve turns to Greg, who's still here, who's stil sitting next to him, who's talking to him. Steve finds it weird, he finds it weird that someone he doesn't know is staying, when all his loved ones have left him at some point.

 

“Why are you here ?” Steve asks, out of the blue, not answering Greg's question.

 

“I wasn't going to let a handsome blonde like you drink alone.” Greg states simply.

 

“You.. You think I'm handsome ?” That surprises Steve even more, he's never been called handsome before ; sure, people have called him clever and strong, and cute when he was a kid, but handsome never came in the list of compliments for Steve.

 

“Of course !” Greg chuckles. “ Have you never looked yourself in the mirror ?”

 

“I have, but..”

 

“I'm just teasing.” Greg still laughs and Steve can't help but compare his laugh to Tony's, it's so different, it's a tiny bit pitchier than Tony's deep laugh. He doesn't like it, he wants to run, run to Tony , wherever he is. Probably sleeping with his fiancé. Steve's blood boils at the thought.

 

“The man I love is getting married.”

 

He blurts the words out, without even thinking, without turning his tongue seven times in his mouth before, without considering the fact that the man is a complete stranger.

 

“Oh, that's bad. What are you going to do ?”

 

“That's the thing, I can't do shit !” Steve is talking without thinking once again, and his tongue feels both heavy and light in his mouth, the words cross the bridge of his lips without passing through his brain. He'll blame it on the alcohol. “ The thing is .. He's going to marry this girl and I had dinner with her, the two of them actually, and she's like.. freaking perfect you know ? And I'm just ...me..” Steve trails off, waving his hand in the air.

 

“Well, does he like you too ?” Greg asks, calmly.

 

Steve shrugs nonchalantly. “Who knows.. Probably not.”

 

“Why not ?”

 

“He's a prince, he can have anyone he wants, why would he like me ?”

 

“Aren't you underestimating yourself a little now love ?” Greg puts a hand on his shoulder, as he sends Steve a smile, and the gesture feels all too familiar to Steve, and for a brief second, Steve sees Tony in front of him, he sees Tony's smile, Tony's eyes, Tony's charming self, he only sees Tony, only and always Tony.

 

“I need to..”

 

Steve gets off the stool hastily, and walks towards the exit. The chill April air hits him and it tickles his face but the alcohol in his body makes up for the cold breeze. He bends down, holding himself by putting his hands on his knees ; he's out of breath, which is strange since he didn't do anything physical in the last hour he's been at this bar. He feels his lungs closing in , inside his chest and his heart is pumping blood too fast and his vision is all blurry and he can't see anything and he hears the words _waste of time_ and _pointless_ far in the distance and he's not too sure his brain is still connected to his body.

 

“Hey, you alright mate ?”

 

He turns towards the voice, and he recognizes it somehow, but it's too foreign, too far away, but he sees a face, a face he's too familiar with, a face he's grown fond of, a face he's been missing for days.

 

And he doesn't think , he doesn't think when he leans forward and plants his lips on the man's face. It's messy, sudden, not coordinated, it's nothing Steve experienced before, and it feels so different to what he remembers. When he steps away from the man, he sees Greg's confused face and Steve just realizes what he's done. He just kissed a complete stranger, out of melancholia, out of self-pity, and he's made a fool out of himself entirely.

 

The feelings seem to hit him hard, and he breaks down in sobs, salty rivers escaping his tired eyes. He feels his body collapsing under him, his legs giving up on him, he feels arms around him but nothing tells him if it's real or not. Everything is blurry in his mind, everything in his mind seems like a dream, a strange place that he seems to go too often.

 

 

A headache. That's why Steve wakes up. It's not too violent, but it's there and he can't ignore it. He takes him a moment to realize that he's in his apartment, and most importantly, that he's under his sheets, _bare naked_. For a moment, he keeps wondering how did he get in his apartment and why on earth is he naked ?

 

He gets up slowly, careful of his headache, and goes off to grab some clothes from his wardrobe. He puts some random sweatpants and a t-shirt on, before exiting his bedroom to make himself some coffee. He's only halfway in his living-room when he freezes on its spot, shocked to see a man on his couch. Steve examines the man, fear creeping up on him. Who is he ? What is he doing here ? How did he get here in the first place ? Steve takes a few steps back to his bedroom, careful not to make any noise to not wake the stranger up. He's almost inside when he's cut short.

 

“Hey stranger.”

 

Steve curses under his breath, and turns around. He's trying to sport a smile, but it probably looks more like a grimace.

 

“Hi.. hum..”

 

“Greg. My name's Greg.” The man, Greg , says, chuckling a little.

 

“Yeh, I, hum, I knew that. Of course.” Steve wants to dig a hole and bury himself in it. “Hum.. Did we hum-”

 

“We didn't.” Greg cuts Steve mid-sentence. “ Sleep together , or anything else.”

 

“Oh thank god.” Steve can't help himself letting out a sigh , but quickly bites his bottom lip, realizing he said the words himself. But Greg is still smiling, he's up from the couch now and walking towards Steve.

 

“It's alright, big guy. I wouldn't be here if we had , to be honest.”

 

Greg walks towards the kitchen, and opens a few cupboard before finding a mug. Steve joins him as the brunette makes some coffee.

 

“Hum, Why are you here ?”

 

Greg turns around, this time arboring a more serious look. Steve feels a bit ashamed that he doesn't remember much. He watches as Greg seems to float in his kitchen, making coffee and coming up with a fruit bowl as colourful as a flower field. He places a mug full of coffee in front of Steve, the little fruit bowl between them before he sits down in front of Steve. Steve watches as Greg takes small sips and eats fruits in between. Steve can't help but notice the few similarities between Greg and Tony. The same dark hair, same perfect nose, a proud , confident posture. Steve stares and stares some more until Greg notices.

 

“What is it ?” Greg asks.

 

His tone is gentle, soft, calm. Steve wishes he could be as calm as Greg right now.

 

“You look so much like someone I know..” Steve whispers, not really meaning to, but the words are out before he can even think. Besides it's technically not a lie. Just a half-truth.

 

“Oh, Tony huh ?” Greg smiles as he says this but Steve's eyes widens at the mention of Tony.

 

“How do you..-”

 

“You were obsessing about him last night.” Greg says, taking a sip of coffee. “ Like, seriously obsessed. It would be creepy if it hadn't be so cute.” Greg laughs as he puts his mug down. He probably recognizes Steve's confusion written all over his face since he asks “ You really don't remember, do you ?”

 

Steve shakes his head. Greg clears his throat before speaking up again.

 

“You were drinking last night, I don't know how much you had before I talked to you, but yeh, I guess quite a few. And you seemed so sad, I reckoned, I had never seen someone look so sad. But then you started talking about this guy, this Tony , and even though you were sad, your eyes lit up when you talked about him. And like you were obsessed with him. Literally obsessed and then you suddenly freaked out and then, you kissed me and it was so weird, because you started crying right after. And all the while you kept whispering things about this Tony , weird things like you wanted him to come home, why did he leave you after something like this, and I could tell that you were in shock, so I took you home.”

 

Steve listens to Greg's words and images from last night resurface in his mind and pieces of what happened make their way back to him. He does remember meeting Greg at the bar, and kissing him and breaking down in his arms. As the memories comes back to him, he wants to crawl into a hole and never come out again ; he's full of shame and he hates that someone saw him like this.

 

“I'm so sorry, I swear, If I had known , I..”

 

“It's alright really.” Greg says. “ It's not like I expected something from you. You looked pretty heart broken and in need of letting it go.”

 

“Guess I was..”

 

Steve looks down at his mug , still full as he reminisces on the words he has said about Tony. It's crazy how his breakdowns seem to happen more often, and everytime Tony seems to be involved one way or another. He shakes his head and runs his hands over his face.

 

“I'm so sorry, and if there's any way I could thank you for taking me home safely..”

 

“Come on, it's nothing.”

 

Greg smiles at Steve and this time, Steve returns him, a genuine one, because why not smile at someone who let him pour his hear out and cry on his shoulder ? And he's a nice person, Steve can tell, not a lot of people would have acted the way he did. In the worst cases, Steve would be dead right now.

 

“Well, I should go. I still have to head home and take a shower, because I am smelling beer and cheap wine.” Greg exclaims and Steve doesn't know why but he just bursts out laughing at Greg's words, and the two of them laugh for a while, before Greg heads towards the door, Steve following him.

 

“So if you ever need to get home safely after a few drinks, you know who to call.” Greg winks at him as he puts on his jacket.

 

“Will do.” Steve chuckles and they bid eachother goodbye.

 

Steve closes the door behind Greg and sighs. The flat is so quiet now without Greg's voice to fill up the silence. Steve quite likes the guy, he's funny and cheerful, he likes those kind of people, they're the life of the party, the one everybody knows. He kind of reminds Steve of Bucky in some ways, and of Tony in more ways than possible. But Steve shakes that thought off his head. He needs to stop thinking about Tony, he needs to stop waiting on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made Steve drunk for a reason, okay? I know witht he serum, he technically can't get drunk, but it's a No Power/ Modern Royalty AU , so eventhough he's fit, he can still get drunk.   
> Tell me what you think of the chapter :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017 ! I hope you had a great celebration and I wish you guys all th best for this new year! Here I am, with a new chapter! Hope you enjoy :D !

**xxxiv**. _Paraprosexia // constant distraction_

 

 

“So,not winter then ?”

 

“Winter is cold, _ew_ , I don't want a wedding in winter, hell no.”

 

“You haven't agreed to any of my suggestions, I'm starting to think you don't want a wedding.”

 

Tony turns to Pepper, stopping his coding process of his new project – an artificial intelligence, he's been thinking about this _for years_ , and he's now finally decided to start working on it since he's already finished all the new softwares and products for SI, and he works as a distraction from his recurrent thoughts of soft blonde hair and blue eyes in a dim light – and he sighs.

 

“Pep' , I told you, whatever you want to do, I'm fine with it.”

 

“Well, when I suggested winter, you said no.” Pepper retorts, tapping her pen on her clipboard.

 

“I just don't like winter that much, that's all. It's cold, everything's dull, it's not nice.”

 

“But imagine if there's snow, we could have such a beautiful ceremony in the snow..”

 

“How about early spring ?” Tony interrupts her. “ Spring is great for wedding. Flowers are blooming, the sun is coming out again, everything is beautiful in spring !”

 

Tony is trying to sound cheerful, but his heart isn't into it ; his heart hasn't really into it ever since Pepper dropped the topic of the wedding on him after the little meeting. If he had to be completely honest with himself, he'd admit that he forgot about the wedding, forgot that he was engaged. And truly, he has. The only thing he's been thinking about lately is Steve ; Steve and his soft smile, and his kindness, and his positivy, and his calming aura. Tony loves Steve , because he can be himself when he's with Steve, his true self, not the flashy, shit show prince he's always flaunting for the media. With Steve, he can be Tony, awkward Tony, Tony who loves science but doesn't get much about art. He loves art, really he does, he likes going to museums and galleries and discovering new artists, eventhough he prefers some classical art more, but he was never one to understand the logic and the reflection behind each masterpiece. That's why he loves Steve so much. Tony loves Steve because he's everything that Tony is not. Steve is calm, and soft and poised where Tony is always too fast and rough and raw. They complete eachother so well, Tony thinks and the thought makes him smile unconsciously.

 

“Are you even listening to what I'm saying ?”

 

Tony is brought back to Pepper, and she's sighing, clearly exhausted by him. Tony feels bad, he does , but he can't help his mind drifting to Steve all the time. Tony misses him so much, so so freaking much, it's unbearable. He remembers when as a kid, he learned that Steve wouldn't be going to his school, and that he cried for days, refusing to go to class, and then he got a letter from Steve, and he was so happy, he was so happy, he showed it to everyone willing to listen to him rambling about it. Tony still has that letter, safely kept in a drawer in his old room in his family mansion ; he still goes there sometimes.

 

“Tony ?”

 

Tony looks up and mentally slaps himself. He has to stop being distracted and actually listening to Pepper, otherwise she's going to kill him. Or worse, quit on him and he's not sure how he'd handle life without her.

 

“Yes, babe ?” Tony tries, with a smile.

 

“I asked you if you already told Rhodey about being your best man.”

 

“Oh, hum..” Tony can't say more. “ I hadn't thought about that actually..”

 

“You don't want him as your best man ?”

 

“It's not that, just..”

 

“He's your bestfriend, Tony.”

 

“Steve is my bestfriend.”

 

Tony wants to argue more, he wants to tell her of all the time Steve has been the best of all bestfriends. He wants to tell her that sure Rhodey is a very good friend but Steve is unbeatable for that position. He's been Tony's bestfriend since the day they met, and that hasn't changed one single bit eventhough they've been apart.

 

He sees Pepper's expression shifting into something he can't quite decipher and she leans back into her chair.

 

“Have you asked Steve to be your best man ?”

 

No, he hasn't and he wants to answer, he desperately wants to tell her that he hasn't, because how do you ask your bestfriend, that you kissed twice , to be your bestman at your wedding ? Tony is not sure how he is supposed to do so. How do you ask your bestfriend, someone you cheated with, to be your bestman at the wedding, where you're going to marry the person you cheated on ? _How_?

 

“Not yet.” He simply answers.

 

“Well, you could go and ask him.” Pepper gets up from her spot, straightening her skirt. “That might make you get out of here.”

 

With that, she turns around and leaves the workshop and Tony stares at the spot she was in only seconds ago. He wants to go after her and apologizing, and maybe, three weeks ago, he would have, but something is different now. Something has shifted inside of him and he can't go back now. He turns back to his computer screen and saves his data, he'll come back to it later, but right now he has to go somewhere. He grabs his car keys and he's off.

 

 

The mansion is quiet, awfully quiet, but Tony still walks in and the atmosphere still gets to him. The place is clean, not a speck of dust is to be seen, Tony makes sure of it, he hired the best cleaning service of the East Coast to make sure that the mansion would be perfect, would always be perfect. Tony goes to the library first, as he always does when he comes here, and he takes a deep breath when he enters the room. He closes his eyes and he can almost smell his mother's perfume in the air. It's not here, he knows, it can't possibly be there, it's been gone for years now, and he wishes it was still here. His eyes immediately sets on his mother's favorite shelf, the classical one, the one where her favourite book are, the one she would always reach on a bad day. He takes a few steps towards it and grabs her favourite book, _Anna Karenina_ , and opens it at a random page. He frowns when he notices little words in a neat handwriting ; he recognizes it as Steve's, 12 years old Steve who spent all of his days in the library. Tony smiles as he remembers how he always knew where Steve was when he wouldn't be in his room. Tony remembers how simple it was back when they were kids, back when Steve would be just his bestfriend, and just his bestfriend. But was he ever just his bestfriend ? _No_ , his mind screams, he was always more. Always more.

 

He puts the book back in its place, and lets his fingers trail over the hardcover for a few seconds before stepping away. Too many memories are invading his mind threatening to cause a flood of tears in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks at the shelf once more before turning around. He is a Stark, and he'll act like a Stark. Always proud, always smiling even though you're in pain.

 

He finds himself going upstairs, already knowing where he'll end up. He knows the way by heart, he could walk there with his eyes closed. Tony spent too many times in that room to not know where it is. He opens the door to Steve's room, and instantly smiles ; it smells like charcoal and old paper and Tony makes a mental note to tip the cleaning company for respecting his orders of not touching this room. He closes the door behind him, and just looks at the room. He can't really remember the last time he was here, in this room, with Steve. Gosh, it feels like a lifetime ago when he and Steve used to spend all their winter days in this room, listening to old vinyl records on Tony's record player while Steve would read or draw and Tony would do his usual physics or mathematics calculus. He can hear Steve's laugh whenever Tony would tickle him – he would get bored at some point, and Steve wouldn't answer him , too busy reading or drawing, so Tony would usually start tickling his feet, always ending in tickle fights that he always won – and his heart sinks in his chest at the thought. Why is he hurting himself that way ? Why is he even here ? That's not what Pepper told him to do, so why did he come here ?

 

Tony sighs at himself and walks towards the bed, before sitting down on the edge. He grabbed the knob on one of the top drawer on the chest drawers. He finds the usual stuff, pencils, liquid pens, some paint on top of a stash of rough sketches. Tony takes the pile of paper and starts going through the drawings ; and he feels tears in the back of his eyes as he sees sketches of his mother, reading a book, in the patio, cooking. There are even sketches of his father, but Tony skips them but stops when he gets to an other sketch, one that's him. It's him as a child, it's twelve years old Tony playing with Dum-E on paper, and there's more, there's more Tony playing with his bots, Tony smiling, Tony laughing, Tony laying in the garden, Tony wearing his glasses while doing his maths , just Tony , Tony and Tony, and Tony everywhere. He finishes the pile and on the last sketch, there's a note taped to the paper. A tear falls out of Tony's eyes when he read the words. He remembers the words so vividly, he remembers writing this note and being so sad about writing that, and he can't believe what's it's in front of him. And it hits him, the realization strikes him full force and his breath gets caught in his throat as he reads the note over and over.

 

Tony rips the note from the paper and gets up from the bed, leaving the stash of sketches in a mess, he runs out of the room. The little note is secure in his hand as he runs to the garage, to his car. He press the buttons to start the engine, millions of things going up in his mind.

 

He can't believe it he didn't realize this sooner, he can't believe it took him all this time to realize something as obvious as this, and now that he knows, he feels so stupid for not being aware of it.

He _loves_ Steve, he loves his bestfriend and he always has, it's just a different kind of love now and Tony can't believe he didn't acknowledge it sooner. All he wants is to find Steve and tell him, and quit this whole thing. He can't marry Pepper now, not now that he knows his heart belongs to someone else. He has to tell him, to tell her ; this has to stop.

 

He looks at the note , when he stops at a red light, and his heart aches at the memory. This was one of the hardest days of his life, and he hates himself for having to do that.But the last two words echoes in his mind and he hopes he find the courage to tell them at the right time.

 

_sorry, love you_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHO IS FREAKING OUT ?! ME ME ! Also little note : next chapter will also be Tony's. I want to go deeper into his perspective and I wanted to explore another theme with him and also I feel like this is a big moment for him in the story so my baby deserves two chapters in a row! So yup!   
> Feedback is appreciated as always :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tom Holland's voice* Hi Everyone! Enjoy this second chapter of Tony's point of view! Steve's is next and let's say that our fav soldier has a lot to think about...

**xxxv**. _chance // t_ _he probability of something desirable happening_

 

Tony stares at Steve's building through his window, gathering up his courage one last time, before finally getting out of his car. He locks it, and heads for the entrance, the note still in his hands. It's as if the words are burning his skin as he gets closer to Steve, to his bestfriend, to his love. He almost wants to run away now, but he stops himself. He stops himself and presses the button for the elevator.

 

“You can do it, it's fine, he's your bestfriend, it's going to be alright.” He whispers to himself.

 

The elevator doors open and Tony takes a deep breath when he steps in. He presses the button for the 4th floor and quietly starts praying to God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, Buddha, and Steve Jobs that everything _does_ go right. The elevator makes a _ding_ sound , and Tony steps on Steve's floor. He is surprised to hear voices behind Steve's door ; they're muffled, blocked by the door , and Tony can't hear what they're saying but he hears laughters and it recognizes Steve's. And his heart ache at the fact that Steve is laughing without him, that someone else is making Steve laugh. He wonders what that person said to make Steve laugh so loud ; he knocks on the door , too loudly, too hard , but he's a little angry so _sorry door_.

 

The door opens and it's a girl, a teenager holding the door. She's quite tall, she has long brown hair circling a very pretty face. Big green eyes are looking at him, up and down, before she settles on his face. Tony feels like he's been examined under X-rays and he's not a fan of the feeling.

 

“Who's it ?”

 

Tony turns to the voice, and his heart forgets how to beat correctly as Steve is coming in behind the teenage girl and he's so handsome, so handsome in his white T-shirt and blue jeans and his hair are perfectly messy and his blue eyes are so shining and Tony feels sweat in his palms and that's when he remembers the note, the little note with three little word spilled on it, and he can't say it. He came down here with a mission, but now Steve is not alone, and everything is compromised.

 

“Hi.” Tony speaks up and immediately mentally slaps himself for saying that. _Seriously brain, hi ? That's all you could come up with ?_

 

“Hey !” Steve says after a few seconds. “ Come in !”

 

The young girl step aside, while Tony takes a few hesitant steps into the apartment. He hears the door closing, and he follows Steve to the open kitchen and living room. Tony sees the girl walking to sit on the couch, and taking a large sketchbook. He then turns to Steve, who's grabbing things from his cupboard.

 

“What are you doing here ?”

 

“Some ice coffee. You want some ?” Steve drops all his ingredients on his counter, and start preparing.

 

“Can't say no to my first love.” Tony says immediately.

 

Steve chuckles but it quickly dies. He pours the coffee in a blender before addig icecubes, and since when did Steve get a blender ? Tony doesn't remember ever seeing a blender or any other cooking material in Steve's kitchen, but as he looks around, he can see a few pots and a dirty mixing bowl in the sink and he wonders about that part of Steve's life he's not a part of.

 

“How's Pepper ?” Steve asks.

 

A sledgehammer. That's what hits Tony's heart and almost makes him want to throw up. He clears his throat, and blinks rapidly, trying to find the right words.

 

“ She's.. great, really. Busy organizing the wedding and all..” Tony's hand hurts for squeezing the note so hard.

 

“Yeh, it must be tiring.” Steve says, dryly.

 

“Yes, the guest list is not an easy one especially.” Tony tries to say to lighten the mood, but it doesn't help, and _of course it doesn't_ , what was he thinking ?

 

Steve turns around and puts his blending recipient onto the machine, just as Tony is speaking up again.

 

“Speaking of which, there's something I need to tell you..”

 

“What is it ?” Steve yells a bit over the noise.

 

“I want you.” Tony blurts out.

 

“What ? I didn't hear you, wait !” Steve, raising his voice, he presses down on the blender one last time before stopping it. He takes the recipient out again, and takes out three glasses.

 

“What was it you said ?” Steve questions.

 

“I want you..” Tony repeats and Steve stops what he's doing, and Tony feels Steve's eyes boring into his and he thinks that's it , this is it, tell him now, that's your chance, take it. Steve is staring at him and there's a slight smile at the corner of his lips, and Tony feels on top of the world because Tony said it and Steve is smiling right ? And that's a good thing, right ? How can a man so great , so perfect as Steve ever love someone as messed-up, as twisted as Tony ?

 

“As my bestman.” He adds, pushing away the sound of his heart breaking. “ I want you as my bestman for the wedding.”

 

Steve's smile dies and Tony almost wants to stop everything right now, stop this lie he's started and tell Steve how he feels, how he really feels. He just have to get the note, open it, and repeat the little words written by a 16 years old Tony who didn't know any better.

 

“Of course !” Steve says, on a chirpy tone. “ Someone needs to make sure you don't run away !” There's a small laugh at that sentence and in any other occasion, Tony would've laughed too, but his heart is breaking and his chance is gone, wasted, lost and he's not sure he can ever get it back.

 

“Ha ha” Tony fakes a laugh and he's not sure anything sounded more fake in his life. “ Well, that's all I wanted to know so, I'll ... be on my way.”

 

“Tony, wait..”

 

But Tony doesn't, he literally runs to the door, and storms out of the apartment. He runs down the stairs in a never-seen hurry and gets to his car as soon as he gets to the pavement. He pushes a few people out of his way, throwing excuses as he goes. He gets into the passenger seat and drives off. He doesn't go back to his place, no, he drives and drives and he ends up near the Brooklyn Park, and the sun is setting and there are a few people there, going about their life , laughing and smiling, being happy, unaware that a young prince is crying over his very first heartbreak.

It's strange to have your heart broken , it's a strange feeling and Tony knows that it will probably take time adjusting to it, but he's the one to blame really. He had his chance but he blew it, he wasted his only chance for security, for a compromise, for a wedding to someone he's not in love with. Tony knows it's his fault, and that this wasted chance is on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Tony, okay? So don't hate me, he'll be happy in time!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, sorry, I'm lazy !   
> Enjoy it regardless!

**xxxvi**. _submerger // french verb meaning to overflow._

 

Steve stays frozen in his spot, in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the closed door. His brain can't wrap up around what just happened, too much information are coming through and he's not sure how he's supposed to react. His whole body feels numb, and the whole thing seems so foreign to him, like he's watching something on tv but this is real and it's happening and he needs someone to pinch to bring him back.

 

“Steve ?”

 

Wanda's voice startles him ; he almost forgot that she was here. He turns towards her, she's looking at him with concerned eyes and she's fidgetting with her hands.

 

“Is everything okay ?” She asks him, and he's not sure if everything is okay. And his brain is racing with a billion questions, and he can still smell Tony's scent in the air – charcoal, gasoline, and something else. - and Steve nods, he nods, but he's not okay, it's not okay.

 

“Do you want me to leave you ?” She asks. “ I can stay but if you want me to go, it's fine.”

 

She speaks in a soft, calming voice and Steve wants to thank her, he wants to tell her he's grateful that she's here, but his tongue is too heavy in his mouth, and he tries to say something but he can't seem to get anything out.

 

“I'll come back later if you want me to, alright ?” Wanda whispers.

 

Steve nods and she smiles at him softly, before she picks her stuff and walks out of the apartment. The minute she's out , Steve knees give up and he has to hold onto the counter to not fall. He's trying to breathe properly and stopping his heart from lurching out of his chest. Closing his eyes, he tries to regaining a regular breathing but all he sees is Tony's running out of the door, escaping his apartment as if Steve had the plague , as if he couldn't be here anymore. What has Steve done to make Tony run away like this ? What could he have possibly done wrong ?

 

After a few moments , when he's finally breathing properly, Steve takes his phone and tries to call Tony. Once. Twice. Five times. Ten times. After the twentieth time, Steve is about to give up, when someone answers the phone.

 

“Steve ?”

 

Tony's voice is hesitant, on edge, something Steve would have never thought would ever qualify Tony in any way. Steve is surprised by Tony's tone, he didn't expect this – what did he actually expect, he doesn't know, but not this. - but he clears his throat and tries to sound okay.

 

“Are you okay ?” A pause. “You ran off so quickly earlier and I..”

 

“Yeh, I huh, yeh I'm good, fine, doing great.” A moment of silence between the two of them, Steve can hear voices in the background.

 

“Are you busy ? I could call later..”

 

“No !” Tony interrupts him. “ No please, don't. I .. I need to hear your voice.”

 

Steve's heart beats a little faster at the words and he senses a thrill down his spine and he almost wants to cry right then and there, but he does not ; he only smiles and continues talking.

 

“Alright, what do you want me to say ?”

 

“Could you.. God, it's going to sound stupid..”

 

“Anything for you, love.”

 

The pet name is easy on his lips, and he mentally curses himself for saying this out loud, but it's too late.

 

“Could you.. Do you remember when you would tell me a story ? Beofre bed, when I couldn't sleep ?”

 

“I remember, yeah.” Of course Steve remembers, any memory that involves Tony is a memory he holds dear and close to his heart and he'd never forget. “Want me to tell you one ?”

 

“Yes, please.” And the voice of his bestfriend is child-like, just like when they were twelve and eleven and didn't know any better and spent nights cracking eachother up and fell asleep to the sound of eachother's laugh.

 

“Okay, hum..” Steve takes a few seconds to think of something, he sits down on the floor, leaning against the counter. “ Once upon a time, there was a little boy. A clever, handsome little boy, he had the world at his feet, everyone adored him. The little boy resembled a prince, he was wanted by many. But he sometimes felt very lonely. So his parents got him a bestfriend. A young boy too, they instantly became the best of bestfriends. They were so happy together. They were eachother's world, and nothing could tear them apart, it seems. And for a while it was like this. But then, something, a monster, a dark and evil monster appeared and the little prince left, he left with the monster. And soon the bestfriend was alone. He was very sad when the prince left with everything. He didn't know what happened, what had he done wrong.”

 

Steve pauses as the words seems to flow out of his mouth before he even thinks them.

 

“But the prince and the bestfriend found their way back to one another. Because, friendship can never be broken, or bestfriends can't be apart.”

 

The word bestfriend hurts on his lips but he finishes his story on a happy note. Steve's heart is beating out of his chest almost, but he can hear Tony's breathing on the line and somehow that makes everything better. It seems as if they're the only ones in the world, as if the world outside didn't matter since they have eachother, and it's all they need.

 

“Steve, I..”

 

“Tony !”

 

Steve hears Pepper's voice in the background, and he's suddenly brought back to reality. Pepper. Fiancé. Wedding. The reality check hits him hard, and he sighs quietly. He hears Tony mumbling things to Pepper then talking back to him.

 

“Hey, hum, gotta go, talk to you later !”

 

Steve doesn't have no time to say another word before Tony hangs up and he'd lie saying that the abrupt end of the call but he blinks back the tears, and gets up and drops his phone on the counter. He needs to do something to get off , to take the edge off. His skin is itching and his blood is boiling in his veins. Thoughts are running in his head, part of him wants to call Tony back and tell him to ditch Pepper and to ditch Steve himself if he can't get his priorities straight, and the other part of him wants to call Tony back to just hear his voice again. But he can't call Tony back, right ? No, because Tony is busy, and he doesn't have time for Steve now, that's why he ran off only an hour ago. He left because Steve isn't important, or at least not that important for Tony to stay.

 

“Fuck him.” Steve whispers to himself, he's angry, he's _fucking_ pissed.

 

Not thinking rationally anymore, Steve walks hastily out of his door and runs down the stairs to the entrance hall, on to his final destination. He's only dressed in sweatpants and a white t-shirt and it was supposed to be a nice day, a good day. It had started the right way, he's had a good breakfast, Wanda stopped by and they were having a great time sketching and joking and then Tony ruined it. Steve opens the door to the indoor gym his building is offering. How does Tony always happen to ruin everything ? Why does Steve let Tony always ruin everything ? So many questions run inside his head as he starts banding his hands. He's eyeing down the punching bag on the other side of the room ; it's vacant, and it smells of dust and oil and Steve only came down here twice and he was alone both times and he prefers it that way.

 

The first punch is hard, but he's done worse to other things, living things as in actual human beings, so he's not feeling bad about it. That's why his second punch is even harder and so is the third one and the fourth makes the chain on the metal bar holding the bag move, but Steve doesn't care. He throws punches after hooks , he jabs at the bag, no mercy. The rage is burning out of him, drops of sweat foring on his forehead and his neck, spoiling his shirt, but Steve doesn't care. Something inside of him makes him go at the bag again and again, memories flashes in front of his eyes. He sees his mother dying, he sees Howard Stark being mean to him through his teenagehood, he sees Tony leaving him when they needed eachother most. He sees Bucky falling, he sees Bucky losing his arm because of him, he sees Riley, Sam's best friend dying because they couldn't get there in time. He sees smoke and dust and fire and sand and there's a metallic taste in his mouth and suddenly he's punching too hard and the bag flies to the other side of the room, freeing sand on the floor as it goes. Steve is a little surprised, his chest heaving up and down as he stares at the bag. Steve sighs, he'll have to drop an apology to the agency taking care of the building for the damage. He's hesitant now, should he keep his little boxing session or should he go back upstairs to his place ? He's calm now, but he's not sure if he's going to stay calm. He eyes the other bags, laid down on the side of the room, next to a bench. He takes a few steps and takes one before walking back and hanging it up on the metal bar. He takes a deep breath and start again.

 

 

He's not sure what time is it when he walks back upstairs at his apartment, but he noticed the city lights when he passed the entrance hall, so it must be pretty late. He takes slow steps , he feels exhausted, tired, but the good kind, the kind that makes you feel good. And he does, he does feel the tiniest bit better. Now all he needs is a good shower – maybe even a bath ? - and just take care of himself for a little while.

 

But of course, the plan didn't take into account the fact that someone might be waiting up for him. When Steve reaches his floor, he recognizes Tony, sat on the floor, typing away on his phone, his chin resting on his hand and his hair looks ruffled as if he spent hours running his hands through it. Steve stops in his tracks on the last step, and that's when Tony raises his head , and Steve's heart almost stop as Tony's eyes meet his because _that's it_ , Steve thinks. Tony is going to be the end of him, and he forgets how angry at Tony he was only hours ago because now Tony is here, Tony is actually here and Steve wants to grab him and hug him and kiss him and never letting him go again, because he can't. He can't do what he wants to do, because Tony isn't his. Tony isn't his and he'll never be his, not in the way Steve want so Steve walks up the last step and clears his throat as Tony raises from the floor.

 

“What are you doing here ?” He's surprised how confident he sounds compared to how he feels inside.

 

Tony is in a state Steve has never seen him, nobody could tell but Steve notices how Tony is shaking just a little, and how he's clenching his fist constantly, and he's not looking at Steve and he's shifting his weight from one foot to the other, and Steve isn't accustomed to see Tony like this. He feels something is wrong, but he wants nothing more than going over and hugging Tony in his arms.

 

“I needed to see you.” Tony whispers, still looking down.

 

The words seem awfully similar to Steve, and Steve walks towards Tony and they're close and Steve is right in Tony's personal space and Tony looks up at Steve and he blinks rapidly for a few seconds and they stare at eachother while Steve takes out his keys. The door to his apartment opens behind Tony and Steve hears him letting out a sigh. His fingers find Tony's without him having to look and he takes Tony into his apartment. He takes Tony to his bedroom, and Steve lets Tony's hand go as he closes the door ; the room is dark but the lights of the city outside is enough and Steve doesn't feel like switching the lights on.

 

“Tell me what's wrong.” It's not a question because Steve knows something is wrong, he can see it in the way Tony is acting.

 

“It's nothing, just-”

 

“It's not nothing if he drives you like this.” Steve interrupts. “ Tony, you can tell me everything..” He reaches for Tony's hands again but this time Tony steps away, holding out his arms.

 

“No, please, just don't, okay ?” His voice is shaky and Steve sees tears in his bestfriend's eyes and he almost breaks at the sight. “ I am having a hard time being here okay, so please just-”

 

“Tony, maybe I can help.” Steve tries again. “ Just tell me what's wrong.”

 

“Everything !” Tony exclaims, breaking down. “ Everything is wrong ! This whole thing is wrong ! I need, I need to leave, I need to go, I need space ! And I know it's not her fault , she's organizing the whole wedding thing but I just need space right now and you ! _You_ , God, I hate you ! You always find a way back into my head and I don't know what to do, because I can't concentrate ! I can't think straight when I'm with you! And I just, And Obadiah is nagging me about some new projects for the company because apparently , the ones I handed out weren't good enough ! I feel like I'm back at fucking board school and everything is just so tight and wrong and I can't breathe and I just want to- I can't breathe Steve, and I can't eat, I can't sleep, I haven't slept right in a week, and it's like I'm about to die, I feel like I'm going to die ! ”

 

“Sssh, here it's okay.” Steve reaches out and this time, Tony lets himself be embraced. Steve wraps his arm around the man and holds him. He just holds him, not too tight but not too little, just so Tony knows that Steve is here.

 

“You're not going to die. I'm here with you. It's okay, it's going to be okay.” Steve repeats the words next to Tony's ear over and over again, hoping Tony listens. Tony cries in Steve's arms and they just stay there, in the middle of the room, the only noise being Tony's sobs and reassuring whispers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is deeply appreciated ! Love, Iswa <3


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, but here's fluff and domestic steve and tony! They're married basically! Enjoy :) !

**xxxvii**. _querencia // a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home, the place you are your most authentif self._

 

When Tony wakes up, he feels even more exhausted, which is funny since he just woke up, but a certain tiredness has taken place into his bones, and he feels like he can't move. He opens his eyes slowly, adjusting to the light for a few seconds. He realizes his surroundings, and notices that he's not in his bed, and that he's alone. The sheets around him are crippled and he's happy to notice that he still has his clothes on. He slowly turns around and squints his eyes when he sees the light coming from the window. But there's someone sitting there, on the little bench under the large window ; _Steve_ , Tony thinks and he smiles when his eyes lay upon his bestfriend's face. Tony watches Steve for a while, bathing in this light in a grey shirt and some sweatpants – they're clean, not sweaty wet like what Tony remembers Steve wearing, wait, how long has he been sleeping ? - and he's reading a book, of course he is reading a book. He's Steve and Steve has always been a bookworm, he could never let a book down for his life. Tony watches him, he watches as Steve doesn't seem to notice that he's awake, he watches as the sun lights up Steve's skin and makes it look like gold. The scene looks like something out of a period drama movie, where the narrator would go “ _as the sun lits his lover's face, the man knew he couldn't go back anymore_ ” , and Tony can't go back, can he ? He's screwed, he's in love with Steve, he's so in love, Steve is all he can ever think about now, but hey, Steve's always been all he could think about. Tony reminisces back when they first met eachother, when they were only kids, just twelve and eleven, two kids who knew nothing about the world but had eachother and somehow, that was _everything_. He sees little Steve right now, scrawny, too skinny, sickly thin Steve , sat on this bay window focusing on his book and Tony suddenly wants to go back in time and hug that Steve, the little scrawny, sickly thin Steve and tell him that he loves him, because he does. He does now, he does love the Steve who's sitting only one feet away from him and he did love the twelve years old Steve who stayed out of Tony's room just because he didn't know if he was allowed in. Tony is in love, he's in love, he can practically feel his heart swooning at the sight of the greek god that his bestfriend is.

 

Steve turns the page, and glances at Tony and he smiles, a smiles that Tony wants to kiss and he sighs heavily and his heart races in his chest and he's not sure this is normal, because how could he ? How could he fall in love with someone so perfect, someone whom he could never be with ? How could he fall for Steve, too good Steve, too perfect Steve ?

 

“Sleeping Beauty is awake.” Steve says, still smiling.

 

He's chuckling, he's freaking chuckling, that little, small laugh, and Tony thinks _there it is_.

 

“That laugh is my favourite sound in the world.” Tony whispers.

 

Steve's smile drops and he clears his throat ; he rises from his seat and takes the few steps and comes to sit on the bed , next to Tony. Tony turns to the other side to look at him, and they're so close now, but still so far away for him, and he can smell Steve's perfume – coconut, and he has sunshine dripping from his blonde hair and they're messy and perfect and since when do messy and perfect go together ? _Gosh, Tony, keep it together_. - and Steve crosses his legs, those long toned legs under him and his book rests on them and Steve is looking down at Tony with those gorgeous blue eyes and _god, someone kill me,_ Tony thinks.

 

“You slept for 15 hours.” Steve says.

 

“Wait, what time is it ?” Tony asks, slightly frowning.

 

“Hm, probably around 2pm.” Steve answers, smirking. “You want something to eat ? I made some chicken with some tomato sauce, and I believe I could come up with some rice.”

 

“You cook ?” Tony questions, and Steve looks at him and tilts his head and he's batting those eyelashes of his and Tony can see the stardust falling from them and spreading on his cheekbones.

 

“Of course, I do” Steve answers with a smile. “ How do I think I feed myself ?”

 

“I believe Gods don't eat.” Tony blurts out the words, without his brain registers them, and he mentally slaps himself for getting on the flirting road but what can he do ?

 

What he doesn't expect is Steve to gently hit him with his book, and laugh.

 

“I'm not a God, you idiot !” Steve's laugh _is_ definetely the best thing Tony has ever heard. Tony grins at his bestfriend while Steve continues. “ If I was a God, I wouldn't be here !”

 

“Oh yeah ? You would just leave me here ?” Tony jokes.

 

“Nah” And Steve sounds like a child, he sounds like his twelve years old self and Tony thinks he should get his heart checked because those kind of beating aren't normal, are they ? “ Of course I wouldn't ! I'd take you everywhere with me you little nut!”

 

“Oh well look at you !” Tony taps Steve's nose and the blonde man crunches it a little and it screams _adorable_ at Tony's heart.

 

“Sooo, do you want something to eat ?” Steve repeats.

 

“I could eat yeah.” Tony smiles.

 

“Sweet, I'll get it set” Steve beams like a child again. He rises and gets off from the bed. “ You might want to take a shower, you kinda stink.” Steve laughs as he exits his bedroom, dodging the pillow Tony is throwing at him.

 

Tony lies back down on the bed for a few minutes, he can't believe he's here. He can't believe he's in Steve's bed, he can't believe he's back in Steve's apartment. And why does he feel like it's how it should always be ? He feels tired but he's so happy. What they just had, their little playful banter and teasing, that's how they've always been with one another and it feels so familiar and Tony wants it for life.

 

“Come on Mister Stank, there ain't no meal for the smelly ones !” He hears Steve yelling from the kitchen and Tony smiles because, god , it feels good. He could spend all of his days here, with Steve and he is so happy right now, nothing could break his smile.

 

 

He gets out of the shower, his hair all wet and floppy on his forehead, wearing one of Steve's pants and t-shirt – it's way too big for Tony, it looks like a potato bag on him, you could literally fit another person in the space inbetween him and the fabric. He joins Steve in the kitchen ; there's a plate on the counter, and Steve is next to it, still reading his book. Tony wants to sigh at the sight, how can a human being be so cute ?

 

“What's the book about ?” Tony asks as he sits on one of the stool-chair.

 

Steve doesn't answer, just holds the book a little higher so Tony can read the title : _Myths and Legends of the Ancient Greece_ and Tony is not even surprised , the book screams Steve ; he always liked those kind of classical stories.

 

“You're such a bookworm.” Tony whispers, picking up his fork and knife. Steve doesn't answer , but Tony can see the little smile tugging his lips upwards. Tony eats in silence , Steve hasn't spoken a word yet, and the silence is not something Tony's highly fond of. He puts down his fork and clears his throat. He stares openly at Steve, very openly, so openly any other normal human being would feel highly unconfortable and would have looked up by now, but no. Not Steve. Tony's bestfriend hasn't moved in over twenty minutes, only turning his page once but no sound has come out of the blonde.

 

“So, This was a pretty bad meal.”

 

Steve doesn't react to Tony's words, doesn't even blink or shift in his seat.

 

“I'm thinking of getting my nipples pierced. Might look good for the nude pictures I'm spreading on the internet. My fans would love it.”

 

No reaction.

 

“Or I could just do another naked photoshoot. Might look good for my spring/summer lookbook.”

 

Nothing.

 

“I don't know if I want to get married.”

 

“What ?” Steve's head makes a sudden movment towards Tony, who throws his hands in the air.

 

“Seriously ?? That's what it takes for you to look at me !” Tony exclaims.

 

“Tony..”

 

“No but like, I could have been serious about all of the other stuff and you just chose to ignore them ?” Tony snaps, sliding off the stool, and turns around, throwing his hands in the air, and making dramatic gestures. “ I thought you were my bestfriend Blondie ! You're supposed to help me when I'm going through a mid-life crisis.”

 

“You're 23.”

 

“So ? I could die at 46, you don't know that.”

 

“Well, if you keep on with this optimism..”

 

“Optimism is my middle name.”

 

“Tony.”

 

“And yep, that's my first name, thanks honey bear.”

 

“ _Tony._ ” Steve sighs and Tony stops himself from chuckling at the sight. Steve is looking at him, really looing at him and he feels scrutinized but it doesn't feel weird because it's Steve. “ What's wrong ?”

 

Tony looks down and crosses his arms, and plays with his left foot. How long before he can dig a hole in the floor with his heel ? Let's start a new experiment.

 

“Tony, look at me.”

 

Steve's voice is sweet , it's symphony to Tony's ears.

 

“I'm fine.”

 

“Then, what was yesterday all about ?” Steve questions, but his tone isn't demanding, it's still sweet and calm and Tony so wants to tell Steve everything. He wants to tell that he wants to call the engagement off, call the wedding off, that he's in love with Steve and not Pepper, that he shouldn't have never asked her out in the first place. He wants to say that he's not sure of anything at the moment, that the only thing he is completely sure of is his love for Steve.

 

“I'm sorry I barged in your apartment and took everything out on you.”

 

“Hey there.” And the next second, Steve is in front of him, cupping his face between his large and soft hands, and Tony is forced to look at him and they're so close and Steve's blue eyes are boring into Tony's own brown and he feels his knees go weak.

 

And then Steve is hugging him, fully taking him in , and burying his face in Tony's neck and Tony's brain takes a minute to register and keep the memory in the safe part of his mind.

 

“ It's okay.” Steve whispers next to his ear, and Tony shivers at his deep voice. “ You had to take it out on somebody. I'm happy that you felt safe enough to take it out on me. I'm always here for you, Tony. Always and forever.”

 

Tony's arms circle Steve's tiny waist and he buries his face into Steve's chest, and he humms in his scent, Steve's words echoing in his head. They stay like this for a while, both of them breathing into eachother's fragrance. None of them moves of an inch, both not wanting this moment to end. Tony feels a certain peace in this moment, a peace he never felt before, and he almost wants to die right now, just so his last memory would be a good one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo! Feedback is appreciated! Also, don't worry if you think some of the issues are just buried and never brought up again.. They'll be talked about in the right time, no worries! Leave me a comment to let me know what you think !   
> Love always :)


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey ! Here you go with this chapter! Hope you enjoy reading it ! Also , drop a comment telling me what was your favorite moment of the story so far :')   
> Love always , Iswa <3

  1. _velleitie : a wish or powerful desire for something that nonetheless is not or cannot be followed by actions meant to pursue it_




 

Steve doesn't know how they got like this, how he got like this, he doesn't know how he went from holding Tony to watching him gather his things to leave. His heart aches as he's doing so.

 

“I wish I didn't have to leave.” Tony says as he puts on his jacket.

 

 _Me too_ , Steve wants to say but others come out of his mouth. “ Pepper must be wondering where you are.” The words burn his tongue and he swallows the pain and it's hurting his insides as he looks at Tony. Tony looks up at him as well and they stare at eachother for a while.

 

“Yeh, she must be..” Tony whispers, a certain regret in his voice, and it makes Steve want to groan out loud but he stops himself. “I'll come back, maybe we could have lunch soon ?” Tony sounds hopeful, too hopeful, and Steve wants to hang onto his words so badly but he can't, something inside of him is screaming at him to stay away.

 

“I'll have to check out, I am very busy, I am helping some friends out with their house and I have plans with some mates so..” Steve lies openly ; he doesn't have plans with anyone, he's not helping out anyone, he's as free as America right now, but he can't hang out with Tony more than he already does. He'll end up falling even more in love than he already is, and he can't afford more pain than what has already brought to him.

 

“Oh, well, I'll stop by sometime and hopefully you'll be there.” Tony smiles at him and Steve wants to yell that he's not busy, he wants to take back the lie he said and keep Tony with him forever and never let him leave.

 

The air is heavy for a few moments before Tony crosses the thin space between them and plants a kiss on Steve's cheek, but Tony doesn't step away immediately, no, he stays there, keeps his lips on Steve's soft skin and Steve smiles at the contact. He leans in the touch and he feels Tony slightly rubbing his cheek against his and he smiles even more, his heartbeat quickening, racing in his chest.

 

“See you around.” Tony whispers.

 

“Yeh..”

 

Steve can't say more than this ; he feels as if he is to speak more than he might collapse under the heaviness. Tony's skin leaves his and he suddenly feels so cold and Tony is turning his back to him and Steve wants to reach out, wants to grab him by the shoulder and keep him, he wants to yell stay, he wants to beg, to plead, but he doesn't, he can't. He's no one to ask Tony to stay, and Tony wouldn't ; he has better things to do than stay with Steve.

 

Tony is at the door, he already has one foot out, ready to go, and Steve feels his heart pounding, heavy, the blood is rushing to his ears, his skin itches. Tony opens his mouth, about to say something, but nothing comes out ; the air between them stays empty and Steve doesn't know why , but as he listens to Tony's steps fading off, he feels as if he has just wasted all of his chances.

 

Steve knocks on the wooden door, taking a deep breath. A few seconds pass before the door opens and Steve is met with a smile.

 

“Steve ! What a good surprise !” Laura says, grinning. “ Come in ! ”

 

“Hi Laura. How are we doing today ?” Steve asks as he steps in the Barton household.

 

“Oh, tired, his little munchkin is driving me crazy and it's even born yet !” Laura laughs, as she goes into the kitchen, Steve following her. “And you ? You seem a bit worried.”

 

“I am fine, just a bit tired too.” Steve easily lies.

 

“Are you pregnant too ?” Laura jokes and Steve laughs at her words.

 

“No, I'm not.” He answers, and she places a mug on the counter in front of him.

 

“I'm afraid you came here for nothing though, no one's here but me.” She feels his cup with warm water before adding a tea bag. “ They all left me for the park.”

 

“It's alrigh, I needed to ge out and I just came here.”

 

“What's troubling you, love ?” Laura questions, tilting her head, and the feeling of déjà-vu hits Steve like a brick. It's all too familiar, he's seen it so many times, done by someone else.

 

“Nothing, I'm-” He starts lying but Laura is not having it.

 

“Steve, I can see something is wrong. You don't have to tell me, but I can help if you let me.”

 

Laura smiles at him, and Steve wants to tell her everything, he wants to tell her he's in love, that he's in love with an engaged man but the words stay stuck on the roof of his mouth.

 

“Have you ever.. done something you knew wasn't right, but when you did it, it didn't feel bad ?” Steve says, his voice is barely a whisper , the words come out as shaky and he tighens his grip against the mug, his fingers burning agains the heated porcelain.

 

“Well, it depends.” Laura answers calmly, she doesn't seem to be surprised by his question and he mentally thanks her for that. “ Is the bad thing hurting people ?”

 

“No, but it could.” Steve answers, focusing his gaze on the steam coming from his tea. “ In the long run, it could.”

 

“And can you stop yourself from doing the bad thing ?”

 

Steve thinks, he thinks about Tony and how he is always thinking about him somehow, he thinks about how whenever he tries to move on, Tony is right there, pulling him in again, he thinks of all the little moments he spent watching Tony, admiring Tony, loving Tony. He thinks and remembers everything and the answer comes like no news for him.

 

“No.” He sighs. “ It's .. it's like an addiction I can't recover from. And I know it's bad, and I wish I could stop, but I just.. Everytime I try to tell myself that he's not good for me, he just comes back and proves me wrong.”

 

“Oh, so it's a _he_ then ?” Laura chuckles and Steve looks up, realizing what he just said, and he smiles shyly. “ I'm just teasing, sweetheart. Being into a man isn't a bad thing Steve.”

 

“No, it's not that.” Steve answers quickly, shaking his head. “ It'd be easier if it was just that.”

 

“Then, what is it then ?”

 

Steve looks up, the words are hanging on his lips, about to drop, he's about to tell Laura everything, he's about to confess everything hs heart has been hiding for weeks now. He opens his mouth but suddenly he's stopped by loud and familiar voices coming through. He recognizes Bucky's loud laughter and Clint's voice. He closes his mouth and soon enough he feels little arms circling his waist.

 

“Uncle Steve !” Cooper's voice comes from behind Steve and he can't help but smile. He turns around and takes Cooper by the waist and places him on his lap.

 

“Hey little one ! How are you doing ?”

 

“I'm very good thank you ! How are you doing ?”

 

“I'm fine myself, thank you for asking !” Steve answers and Copper smiles at him, resting his head on Steve's chest. Steve sees Laura smiling at them both.

 

“Oh, look who's here !”

 

Clint comes in the kitchen, followed by Bucky and Clint drops a kiss on his wife's forehead and Steve smiles at the scene.

 

“Hey mate !” Bucky says , tapping his shoulder. “ Long no time no see ! Thought you had gone back to war !”

 

Steve doesn't laugh, a year ago, maybe he would have laughed at Bucky's joke but right now, he doesn't want to, he can't. A certain heaviness settles in his body and he tries his best to fake a smile and shrug the feeling off but it's not easy. He focuses his attention back on Cooper who's now playing with the hem of Steve's shirt.

 

“Hey, want a learn how to be the best little man ever ?” Steve asks Cooper and the little boy on his lap squeals and jumps off of Steve's knees , he starts jumping up and down repeating a excited chant of yes ! Yes !

 

“I'm gonna play with him for a little while.” Seve says to his friends.

 

“Bu you're staying for dinner right ?” Laura questions, her eyes are saying something else and Steve isn't sure he gets what she's thinking but he nods anyway, before going off to play with Cooper.

 

 

It's much later in the evening, and dinner is over. Laura and Clint are making tea and coffee in the kitchen, Steve can hear them giggling and he almos wants to roll his eyes at their cuteness.

 

“Hey..”

 

He looks up at Bucky ; they haven't really talked since Bucky made that joke and Steve hasn't actually looked at him at all since this. Steve clears his throat, before smiling – well it probably looks more like a grimace than a smile.

 

“Hi..”

 

“How are things with you ? We haven't talked in a while..” Bucky trails off, a certain carefulness in his voice.

 

“I'm good.” Steve answers, and he doesn't feel like he's lying to Bucky, he _actually is_ good. “I've been doing great. How about you ?”

 

“Have been alright.” Bucky shrugs. “ Missed you though.”

 

Steve looks up at Bucky's words, and Bucky's looking down , staring the table cloth, playing with his fork against the fabric. And Steve did too, he did miss Bucky, a lot, they hadn't seen eachother since Steve left to have dinner at Tony's place. Gosh, it feels like forever ago to him.

 

“Missed you too.” Steve says. “ We should hang out more.”

 

At this, Bucky looks up and he smiles at Steve, and Steve smiles too, and Laura and Clint come back to the dining room , Clint is holding a tray with cups placed on them. They all take their tea and coffee and start a new conversation. Later in the evening, Wanda comes home. She looks tired and immediately goes to Laura's side and Laura hugs and soothes her. Steve watches the scene and he can't help but think of Tony and what happened the night before. Steve remembers how he spent hours running his hand down Tony's back, whispering smoothing words in his ear until Tony fell asleep and then the long hours he spent watching Tony sleep. Steve thinks about Tony is probably with Pepper right now, probably laying in their bed, probably making love to her. The thoughts make him sick in his stomach, and he almost wants to throw up his tea.

 

“Steve ? You alright ? You look sick.” He hears Clint say.

 

“Just a bit tired.” Steve answers easily.

 

“Well, let's go, I'll take you home !” Clint suggests and Steve nods. “ Buck, you're coming ?”

 

“Can't say no to the free ride !” Bucky answers.

 

“But I didn't get to see you all !” Wanda says, pouting.

 

“You're tired, sweetie, and they'll come by tomorrow or this weekend !” Clint says, ruffling her hair.

 

“Okay..” Wanda whines a little but Steve sees her relax as James hugs her goodbye. “You guys have to come by soon, okay ?”

 

“Sure, kiddo.” Steve smiles at her and kisses her cheek as a goodnight. “We'll see you soon.”

 

“Take care of yourselves, boys !” Laura says.

 

Steve goes in to hug her and she whispers “ _we'll finish that talk_ ” in his ear, and he doesn't answer, because Bucky is calling for him and he has to go, but he smiles at her one last time before leaving.

 

 

Steve takes off his shirt as soon as he gets home and drops his keys on the counter. He leaves his shoes by the door, and goes in his room. He quickles changes into his sweatpants and doesn't waste a minute before he drops on his bed. He feels exhausted, tired, he wants nothing more than to go o sleep right this moment.

 

But he notices the little on-off light of his phone on his bedside table and he doesn't remember his phone doing this. He stretches his arm, grabbing his phone and place a pillow under his chin to give him a leverage. He slides his phone, opening the interface, and he sees a text message notification.

 

**7:45 pm - Tony**

 

**Missing you.**

 

Steve reads the words over and over again, not thinking about the smile slowly forming on his lips. He quickly types a reply and bites his bottom lip waiting for the reply, which isn't long.

 

**8:56 pm - Steve**

 

**Your grammar is incorrect.**

 

**8:57 pm - Tony**

 

**You're impossible.**

 

**8:57 pm – Tony**

 

**I hate you.**

 

**8:57 pm – Tony**

 

**I don't really. But you get the point.**

 

**8:58 pm – Tony**

 

**Do you want to have lunch with me tomorrow ?**

 

**8:58 pm – Tony**

 

**It's okay if you can't**

 

**8:58 pm – Tony**

 

**Just really want to see you..**

 

 

Steve watches his and Tony's conversation update itself with Tony's messages and he buries his face in his pillow, hoping the grin on his face would just disappear. But it doesn't, no, he looks up again, at his phone and there's a new message from Tony, so Steve quickly replies.

 

**9:01 pm – Tony**

 

**Steve, u there ?**

 

**9:04 pm – Steve**

 

**What time ?**

 

 

**9:05 pm – Tony**

 

**1 pm sounds good ?**

 

**9:05 pm – Steve**

 

**Okay, see you tomorrow then. Goodnight, Tony.**

 

**9:05 pm – Tony**

 

**Goodnight, sweetcheeks.**

 

Steve reads the words over and over until his eyes hurt and his cheeks hurt from smiling and he thinks a zoo has taken place inside of him. He puts his phone away, and buries his face back in his pillow and he wished it could be tomorrow already.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How cute is Wanda? And Bucky? And The Bartons? I have a huge amount of love for Laura, k?   
> Hope you enjoyed it ! Feedback is deeply appreciated ! :)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this chapter and once again, sorry for the late update but school is a bitch!

Xxxix. _Agape_ // _greek word for “platonic love” , it describes a selfless love, a love that is uninterested in the love being returned._

 

When Tony wakes up in the morning, he feels happy. He smiles, eyes still closed ; he doesn't know what time is it, but it's okay. It doesn't matter right now, because today is going to be a great day. He's going to play around in his workshop, and then have lunch with Steve and they'll get to spend time together and this day will be _amazing_. Tony is sure of it. He turns to the side and he comes in contact with a body. His eyes suddenly pop open and he recognizes the infinite trail of freckles on Pepper's shoulder. Of course, Pepper, she's in bed with him. He sees her body and he is suddenly reminded of all the times he's slept in the same bed as her ; well more like the _very few_ times he actually has for the last couple of weeks. He's been staying at Steve's place for the last couple of nights, and even before that, he'd spend his nights in the workshop. He hasn't kissed her nor touched her in the long time. He watches her body moving, her breathing rythm slow and regular, and he wishes he could love her more, more than a friend, because he does love her, but he's only realizing now that those feelings could never go beyond friendship, family love. He sighs, quietly before turning around to get up from the bed. His feet hit the cold floor and he shivers a little eventhough the air in the room is warm. He grabs some clean underwear and head towards the bathroom. He undresses and gets under the water. He sets the water on hot and feels his muscles relaxing under the burning liquid. He stays there for a few minutes, not moving, head down, the only sound in the room being his breahing and the water running. Tony can't help but think about Steve ; it seems all Tony can do these days, his mind seems to always end up going back to Steve. He wonders what Steve is doing at this exact moment ; is he awake yet ? Is he sleeping in ? Is he still reading his book ? Is he also taking his shower ? Tony remembers that Steve used to take mild showers, not too cold, not too hot, because Steve used to get sick all the time when they were kids, and the cold water wasn't good and neither was the hot water so he would always get mild showers. Tony wonders if Steve still gets those kind of showers. Tony thinks Steve would actually enjoy getting a hot, burning shower ; the water is so relaxing and soothing ; Tony can definetely see Steve in a shower, surrounded with steam, his naked greek god-like body dripping with coconut scented gel, and how Tony's hands would love to roam over his body, his big muscles. Tony remembers when he met Steve again, at the party, and how he had been chocked to see how Steve has changed over the past year. The height difference was definetely the first thing Tony noticed. Tony used to be slightly taller than Steve back when they were just two teenagers, but well, guess military training does that for you. Tony finally takes the shower gel – a strawberry fragranced one, because it smells sweet and Tony has a sweet spot for strawberries – and busies himself spreading it all over him. His mind once again wanders to Steve, and he imagines if Steve was here, in the shower with him, would he help Tony out ? Would he caress Tony as the hot water surrounds them ? Would he take his time taking Tony right then and there ? Tony doesn't even realize he has his hand around his member until he lets out a moan, thinking about Steve's large hands around him. He doesn't stop though, he keeps stroking his cock until he feels something in him twisting and tightening and he lets out a groan and feels the cum dripping from his hand. He leans against the shower wall, taking his breath, closing his eyes. He feels like he's back in highschool, jerking himself over some fantasy that his mind would play at the time. It's so stupid, he thinks, he's here, in his bathroom, pleasuring himself over the thought of his _bestfriend_ , while his _fiancé_ is in the other room.

 

“I'm so fucked .” Tony mumbles to himself.

 

He sighs and finishes washing himself. By the time, he gets out of the shower, the whole room is a sauna, and he blindly finds his underwear and puts them on. When he goes back to the bedroom, he finds Pepper awake, sitting cross-legged in the bed. Her laptop is already balancing on her legs, and she's typing quickly on the keyboard.

 

“Careful Pep', otherwise you're going to break it.” He jokes, as he walks to his closet.

 

“You'd fix it.” She says, playful tone in her voice. Tony smiles as he grabs a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

 

“Yeh, I would.” He says as he starts putting on his pair of jeans. “ What are you doing by the way ?”

 

“Trying to rearrange some dates..” She trails off and Tony walks around the bed to sit on her side. He puts his hand on her knee gently, a simple touch , one he's done a dozen of hundred times but somehow, the feeling of her smooth is foreign to him.

 

“What dates ?”

 

“There's this convention in France.” She answers, sighing. “ It's about new technologies, and their impact on energy and I was supposed to go, but I have this thing tomorrow with the dress fittings, and I have to go and taste the cakes as well and I still have meetings for your bloody company and..”

 

“Hey there, calm down.” Tony reaches out and puts his hands on her small shoulders. She stops rambling and looks at him with soft eyes. “ How about you try and reschedule the dress fittings and I'll go to the cake testing and whatever, and I'll even attend the meetings. Alright ?”

 

“Tony, you don't know anything about cakes.”

 

“Hey, if it's good, then It'll be fine. I'll be fine.”

 

“But..”

 

“Let me handle this, okay ?” He says, putting a strand of her ginger hair behind her ear. “ I can do it. It'll be fine.”

 

Pepper looks at him before nodding. Her lips show a smile and Tony feels like today could actually turn out good.

 

“When is the convention ?”

 

“In two days. So I'd have to leave tonight at the very last. I'd be gone for two days and then..”

 

“You could stay there a bit more.” Tony blurts out the words, earning him a frown from Pepper. “ You've been so stressed lately, so tensed because of work, take a few days off after the convention and you'll come back feeling _pumped_!”

 

He says his last word in his best child voice and it makes Pepper smile and her cheeks are getting rosy and she tilts her head to the side and Tony sees Steve at the moment, but he puts this thought aside – he does _not_ need another boner right now – and smile back at Pepper.

 

“You're the best fiancé in the world.” She says, leaning in to place a quick soft kiss on his lips. Tony responds, out of habit, and his mind can't help but notice how strange her lips feel compared to Steve's and- _fuck_ , he needs to stop.

 

“Well, I'll go and get ready, I still have to stop by the office to make sure of some things.” Pepper says, putting her laptop aside and getting up from the bed.

 

Tony watches her as she walks gracefully towards the bathroom, he remembers how he used to love watching her walk before, how it was the first thing he noticed about her. She walked with grace and lightness, but also with such confidence, like she own the world – and she was definetely heading towards that aim. He remembered when they first met, when she had been just his assistant and him her boss and how the plot somehow twisted from that moment. Things were simple when they were together, well simple would be an exagerated term, but things worked fine. He'd do his thing, she'd do his thing , and sometimes they'd meet in the middle and make love and even talk at times.

 

Tony lets himself flop on the messy bed, and sighs ; he stares at the ceiling for a few moments, trying to process the mess he put himself into. He loves Steve, that much is certain, he loves the man, he's in love with his bestfriend while he's engaged to a clever and wonderful woman. How more fucked up could his life get ? But he needs to get over his feelings for Steve, because they are obviously unrequited and this won't lead him anywhere. He doesn't need another door closed in his life ; besides it would only ruin his friendship with Steve if he were to know about Tony's feelings. The man isn't into men anyway, Steve is American perfect golden family poster boy, he's supposed to have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous tall blonde like him and they'll have perfect blonde children and they'll be living the perfect life and Tony will probably stop visiting after a while because it hurts too much and he'll just move to another state. Or continent. Yes, Europe sounds good. Maybe even Australia. He does likes the sea.

 

“What are you thinking about so intensely ?”

 

He doesn't hear Pepper coming into the bedroom and he's startled by her voice. She already has her underwear and pencil skirt on. She has her back facing him as she's searching a blouse. Tony watches her and he used to love that. He used to love watching her getting ready in the morning, but now, it feels bad, it feels wrong to him.

 

“Tony ?”

 

She turns to him, holding a white blouse in her hands, as she does. He sees worry in her eyes and he slowly rises up, balancing himself on his elbows.

 

“You look very beautiful.” He says gently, and it's not a lie. Pepper is beautiful, even a blind person could see that, but he's not sure why he's saying this. He means the words but he's not sure of what they mean to her.

 

“What's gotten into you today ?” She slightly chuckles as she buttons the blouse.

 

Tony plays it cool, and shrugs nonchalantly. “ Just stating facts.”

 

“As you always do.” She smiles and finishes buttoning her shirt. “I'll see you when I get back from the office right ?” She heads towards her shoe closet.

 

“Hum, I think I'll still be with Steve.” He pauses when she turns back to him. “ We're having a late lunch, boys slash catch up slash groom and best man talk.”

 

“Well, you two could go to the cake testing tomorrow together then !” Pepper says as she slips on a pair of high heels. And Tony swallows the gulp in his throat, because the look she's giving him is a fierce , a powerful one. She looks like she could crush his heart with her pointed heel – and let's be honest, she could if she wanted to – , she looks like she could be the queen of a country and everyone would bow down to her, in both respect and fear. Tony is pretty sure she'd kill if he knew how he truly felt. And she smiles at him and her smile screams queen and Tony can only smile back.

 

“Steve is better at tasting food than I am anyway.” Tony admits.

 

“Well, maybe I should marry him then.” Pepper says and it's a joke, Tony knows it's a joke, but something twitches inside him and he can't quite laugh at that. He only watches as Pepper applies a slight touch of mascara to her lashes and a brownish red lipstick to her lips and he wonders how he let himself fall out love with her. She turns to him and he sits up straight on the edge of the bed , she quickly bends to kiss his lips , just as quick as the other one, a quick gesture, one you do out of habit and Tony stays still even moments after she stepped away from him, the feeling only a whisper on his skin. He listens to her steps – _click , click , click_ – as the distance between them grows. He can only think of the mess he put himself in and how he is possibly going to get out of it.

 

It's 12:50 pm and Tony knocks on Steve's door. He's ten minutes early, but oh well, he's been sitting in his car since 12:15 pm because he finished playing in his workshop way too early and got time to take a second shower and even shave. He couldn't wait anymore. God, why is he so anxious, so nervous ? God, he does feel like he's in highschool again, on his way to his first date and he feels nervous and it's funny because Tony never felt like that, he's never been nervous before meeting people for lunch, or dinner. The man is giving shows and presentations for dozens of hundred of people every now and then, people he doesn't even know, strangers, and now he's nervous because he's going to see Steve ?

 

The door opens after quite some time, and the sight that it offers to Tony is a breathtaking one, at least to him. Steve is wearing smart dark pants and a white shirt over a dark vest and he's glowing. Yes, glowing ; now _glow_ isn't a word Tony uses a lot because he likes the word and he thinks it's beautiful and should only be used for beautiful things. Or person, and in that case. And Steve is very beautiful, that much is understood and clear to Tony, but right now, he's glowing, shining, spreading some sort of light and brightness and Tony sighs of contentment when his eyes settles on Steve's face.

 

“Oh, hey !” Steve says, quite awkwardly. “Come in, I just gotta put my shoes on !”

 

Steve turns around and goes to his bedroom, as Tony steps into the apartment, closing the door behind him. He watches Steve reappear, a pair of shoes in his hand, and sits on the couch, sliding the pair on. Tony watches him, shamelessly, and for a second he thinks about how his life would have been if Steve never had left. He wonders how his life would have been if his parents had never died, or if he hadn't asked Pepper out in the first place. He thinks about how his life would be so simple if he could just tell Steve how he felt. His train of thought stops as Steve rises from the couch and flattens his shirt with his hand. Tony smiles because damn, he looks good. He looks very handsome and Tony doesn't need to have feelings for Steve to acknowledge that. The man is a specimen, a stud and Tony is wondering how on earth he is still single. If he could, he'd be all over the blonde beauty.

 

“You ready ?” Tony says very calmly, as his eyes focus on Steve's face. His bestfriend nods and smiles at him.

 

“You look good.” Steve's words reach Tony and something flutters in his stomach – _oh my god_ – and he feels a certain heat reaching his cheeks but he clears his throat and smirk _à la Stark_.

 

“Right back at you,stud.” Tony says, as he buries his hands in his pants' pockets. “ Ready to go ?”

 

“All set. Where are we going ?”

 

“I thought Chinese food could be good.” Tony says as they walk towards the door. “ What do you say ?”

 

“Never had it.” Steve answers as he's locking his door. Tony's eyes widen as he presses the elevator button.

 

“What now ?” He turns to Steve, who's just shrugging and smiling – it's a smile Tony has seen before, it's a smug one, one that Steve delivers when he's content and particularly proud with himself , Tony wonders what's the occasion for that smile. “ Okay, I really need to re-do your culinary education.”

 

“My culinary education is just fine.”

 

“Yeh, right.” Tony snorts. “ We'll talk about this when you taste sweet and sour pork.”

 

The elevator door opens and Tony sees Steve rolling his eyes and Tony smirks as they both get in. Yes, this day is going great.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated <3 Love always !


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Long time no see, but here we go, double update for you guys! Enjoy this chapter!  
> We dive into Tony's past a little bit next chapter so stay focused ;) !

**xl**. _gorgonise // to have a paralyzing or mesmerising effect on someone._

 

 

Steve lets out a small moan as he finished his bite of a piece of sautéed pork. He chews on the meat, appreciating the sweet flavor erupting in his mouth ; he has to give it to Tony, the food is indeed delicious, and sure, Steve is a simple guy, he likes his baked beans and mashed potatoes and steak, but this, this is something else entirely. He swallows his food and puts down his fork so he can have some water, when he sees Tony's eyes on him. The genius has his face slightly tilted to the side, his face set in his palm, a light smirk is tugging his lips upwards and he's looking at Steve intently.

 

“What is it ?”

 

Tony doesn't answer, he just keeps looking at Steve, who's feeling a bit embarassed at being scrutinized like this.

 

“Do I have something on my face ?” He asks as he pats his face carefully, in search of some sauce or anything that could be stuck on his face.

 

“You're perfect.” Tony says, and Steve feels his cheeks heat up at the words. He looks down on his lap, ironing his napkin with his hands to hide it.

 

“Stop it.” Gosh, he hates how childish he sounds, but he can't help it, he can't help how he feels like he's sixteen again around Tony, hates how easily flustered he gets, how the butterflies seems to born in his stomach at the mere sight of his bestfriend.

 

“What can I do hun !” Tony sighs. He breaks his gaze from Steve and plays with his glass of wine. “I haven't you seen in years, I think I am allowed to stare a little.”

 

At that, Steve looks up and he sees Tony's sad eyes as he circles the edge of his glass with his fingers. He stops Tony's hands and he gently rubs his fingers over the soft skin.

 

“Hey. We're together now, yeh ?” Steve whispers, and he wishes that those words could mean something else entirely, but they don't, no, he can only dream to be Tony's bestfriend for as long as he lets him be. “That's all that matters.”

 

“Yeh.” Tony says. “ Together.” He repeats the word, and Steve stares at his lips for a minute, he wants to kiss Tony, because hearing the word on his bestfriend's lips fuels his hope, and he can't let it, but it's too late. He looks up , in Tony's eyes, and he sees Tony staring at him as well.

 

“Steve, I..”

 

“Tony ! How funny to see you here !”

 

Steve sees Tony's gaze shift to something behind him and his facial expression changing in a second ; Steve turns around towards and his own face must show his sudden anger at the person coming their way. Obadiah Stane, the one person whom Steve holds responsible for taking Tony away from him, in the flesh. The man hasn't changed much since the last time Steve's seen him , which was almost five six years ago. The man is arboring a devilish grin and he's walking towards him and Tony with the confidence Steve remembers him having. Steve's hand suddenly feels empty, he turns around and sees Tony moving his hand away from Steve's and Steve wants to reach out and take it back, but Stane is near them already and he's hiding the bay window that the two men we're sitting by with his broad figure.

 

“What a lovely surprise !” Stane exclaims as he forcefully grabs Tony's shoulder. “Enjoying some chinese delights , I see.”

 

His eyes settles on Steve and for a minute, Steve remembers the look Stane gave him when he took Tony and never came back, he'll never forget how he had felt at that moment, seeing his bestfriend go, waiting for him to come back every night for six months.

 

“Obadiah, you remember Steve.” Tony says, breaking the silence that has settled.

 

“Steve ? The Rogers kid, right ?”

 

“Yes.” Steve says, he tries to make his tone sound neutral, but he's not sure he succeeds. “The Rogers kid.” He tries to smile, but he's sure that it looks more like a grimace.

 

“Long time no see.” Stane answers, with an equally fake smile as well. “Heard you're in the army now.”

 

“Yes, but I'm discharged at the moment.” Steve says, quickly. He doesn't want to talk about it.

 

“Well, how nice of you to get back in touch with Tony. Sure, you might need the support after all.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean ?” Steve snaps, he snaps right back and he rises from his chair, and Tony does too and Stane doesn't move, only smirks and Steve wants to connect his fist with his face, he wants to wipe the smugness off the man's face.

 

“He's a prince and a wealthy one at that.” Stane says, and Steve sees it then, he sees everything Stane is implying and god, he hates the man, he hates even more than the last time he saw him.

 

“Take it back.” Steve retorts.

 

“Or what ?”

 

“Stane.” Tony speaks up. “Stop that.”

 

Stane turns around, to Tony, facing away from Steve and the blond captain sees Tony's expression for a minute before Stane blocks his view. Jaw clenched, deep frown between his brows.

 

“Tony, come on, you can't possibly think that..”

 

“Just don't.”

 

But Stane doesn't, no, Steve sees the ghost of a smirk on his lips and he wants to wipe it out of the man's face with his fist.

 

“Did you forget what happened the last time you got that close to someone ?” He asks Tony, his voice a tone lower. Steve can't see Tony's face much, and his brunette bestfriend doesn't answer as Stane continues.

 

“Do you really want the same thing to happen ?”

 

“Just stop, okay ?”

 

Steve's heart breaks at the sound of Tony's voice, because it's so.. weak, and it seems as if Tony is on the verge of breaking down, and Steve can't let that happen, he can't let Stane break Tony, so he steps in front of Tony and glares at Stane. They're standing so close, and his hands shake and he badly wants to connect it with Stane's face, but Steve was raised better, he was, but gosh, he hates bullies, hates them with a passion, it's unbelievable. But he keeps his hands by his sides and raises his chin a little bit.

 

“ You're really amazing, aren't you ? ” He says, very quietly. “Going around ruining people's day with your hateful words.. What happened to you that made you become so mean ? Were you mistreated as a child ? Were you never given the validation you desperately seek ? Is that why you are so mean with people ? Did your parents never gave you enough compliments as a child ? Or were they not around much to actually care ?”

 

Stane looked completely speechless at Steve's little rant, and Steve would lie if the look on Stane's face wasn't pleasing to him.

 

“Stop being a fucking cliché and get over yourself.”

 

Steve fingers reach behind him and he found Tony's hand and he takes him outside the restaurant. Steve walks out , Tony's hand secured in his, not caring about anything or anyone in the street. Once they reach a narrow street, Steve takes him there ; the space is empty and it's quite dark and he finally turns around and takes a look at Tony. His face is hidden partially , because he's looking down and Steve lets go of his hands and reach for Tony's face.

 

“Tony..”

 

He bends a little, not wanting to force Tony to look up if he doesn't want to, but he keeps his hands on his bestfriend's face. He sees a frown on Tony's face, and he wants to run his fingers through the lines and make them disappear, and he wants to see Tony smiling, he wants to see Tony happy, he doesn't want to see him upset, ever. Tony should be happy, always happy, always _one hundred billion percent happy_.

 

“Hey, whatever he said ..”

 

“It was true. He didn't say anything wrong.” Tony interrupts him and looks up

 

“Tony, he..”

 

“Please take me home.”

 

Steve nods and places a kiss to Tony's forehead, he's not sure why he does it, it feels natural to him, like a habit except it's not, and he rests his lips for a while against the brunette's skin and he feels Tony sighing against him and Steve smiles slightly. He wraps his arms around Tony, and keeps him here for a few minutes, not caring about the street noises, the people in the street a few feet away from them, he doesn't care about Stane's hateful words, he doesn't care about how he talked back to Stane. He doesn't ; he only cares about Tony's arms who slowly wrap around his torse as well, and hold him close.

 

They're in Steve's apartment, they're laying on the bed, giggling like high school juniors. The only sound in the room are their laughs and high-pitched voices. Steve likes it, he likes that the lunch incident is now a distant memory in both of their minds. They had pizza delievered for dinner and now it's all crazy theories about space and conspiracies about aliens and make up stories about artists and Steve _loves_ it.

 

“You're telling me you don't think that Rafael didn't hook up with at least one of the people who modelled for him ?” Tony says , still chuckling a little.

 

“Why would he ?” Steve says through bits of laughs. “ It's not always a Pigmallion complex y'know.”

 

“Unrf, come on Stevie ! Surely those guys weren't innocent. Otherwise, why would most of the sculptures or paintings are always of people without clothes on ?”

 

“Besides the point !” Steve retorts. “

 

“Oh yeh ?” Tony props himself on his elbows. “ So let's says, hypothetically that someone asked you to paint or make a sculpture of them, and they had to be naked, you wouldn't be attracted to them at some point ?”

 

“No.” Steve sighs. “ An artist knows how to detach his desire from his passion.”

 

“So you mean, an artist can appreciate a body for what it is, just a body.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Steve turns to Tony and he can't really see his bestfriend's expression, they didn't turn the lights on, and it feels highly intimate, laying here together between the sheets, sharing things in the darkness of a room.

 

“Would you draw me ?”

 

Steve thinks he's dreaming at first, he must be, there's no way Tony just asked him this. But he sees Tony keeping the same expression and Steve thinks he's joking – he has to be , right ? - so he just chuckles and shakes his head.

 

“Don't mess with me, T.”

 

“I am not.” This time, he hears Tony's voice loud and clear. God, Steve wishes he was drunk. If he was, then maybe this moment would somehow make more sense. Tony moves around so now he's now sitting cross legged on Steve's bed. “ Come on, draw me ! I never had someone drawing me !”

 

Steve wants to protest , he wants to tell Tony about all the skechbooks he owned filled with drawings of Tony, but he can't. The words stay put on his tongue and he just stares at Tony with squinted eyebrows.

 

“I think they had alcohol in that pizza. You must be drunk or something .” Steve says and he so wishes they were.

 

“But I am not and I am being serious.” Tony says, a playful smile on his lips. “ Come on, we're friends, you can draw me, and it's not like my naked body would shock you.”

 

“You are seriously asking me to draw you naked ?” Steve litterally cannot believe what he's hearing. “As in, actually naked ?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Without your clothes on ?”

 

“Yes. Do you need a dictionnary ?”

 

“I can't believe this.” Steve says, rubbing his eyes with his fingers. “ How did we get to this topic ?” He sighs into his hands.

 

“Hum, Rafael paintings definetely. Thank God for the Renaissance.” Tony adds and Steve can't basically hear the smirk on his bestfriend's lips.

 

“I didn't agree to anything.”

 

“Oh but you will sweetcheeks.” Tony taps Steve's nose with his finger and Steve crunches it, turning his head away and Tony chuckles and it's the best sound he's heard , it's his favourite sound in the world.

 

“You're crazy. Completely insane.”

 

“You love it.” Tony hits his shoulder playfully, before laying back on the bed, but this time he lays side ways, so his head is gently on top of Steve's chest and Steve's heart almost stops when he realizes what Tony is doing.

 

Tony's head is a comfortable weight on him, Steve's hands rest right next to Tony's hair, his soft brown fluffy hair, and he so badly wants to reach out and runs his fingers through them. He bets it's soft and smooth, bets it feel like running your hand on a silky fabric. He can feel some strands of hair tickling his fingertips and god , the feeling is unbearable. He slowly moves his arms further and reach for Tony's scalp. He gently runs his fingers through the dark strands a couple of times before Tony abruptly raises his head.

 

“What the fuck are you doing ?” Tony exclaims.

 

_Huh, what ?_

 


	41. Chapter 41

**xli.** _sukoon / urdu word for peace_

 

Tony lies back on the bed, placing on Steve's torso. God, the blonde man is so thick, he's a pundle of muscles and Tony doesn't have to adjust himself as his head seems to fit perfectly into Steve's side. He feels so at peace, so calm, he forgets about everything that he has to do, the wedding, all of his work for his company, everything else. He forget about all of this , his mind can only focuson Steve's warmth underneath him, and he lets himself smile. His heartbeat slows, sets on a peaceful rate. He thinks he could die right now, he is so content, so at ease in this moment , he wouldn't mind dying in the next seconds. Everything is just so perfect.

 

Right until Steve's fingers touch his hair. That's when Tony snaps.

 

“What the fuck are you doing ?” He exclaims as he sits straight up, turning around.

 

Steve's hand is frozen in the air, mid-movment, Tony's heart is slowly starting to race and he feels like all the air is being sucked out of his chest. He gets up from the bed, his body shaking slightly. His mind is racing, going back to places with dust and darkness, with water and sand, with a deadly heat and foreign languages, with wounded skin and a kind voice.

 

“Tony, I..”

 

“Don't, just..”

 

He doesn't want to hear Steve say he's sorry, because he knows Steve and he knows he will. He needs air. He needs to breathe. God, he knows how to, so why can't he ? He hears Steve's voice, but it sounds so far away, he wants to reach it, grab it and hold onto it, but he can't. He feels his hands being grabbed and rubbed and he recognizes a familiar heat, and it's taken over him, slowly, but it's working.

 

“It's okay, I'm here, you're not alone. You're safe with me. It's okay.”

 

Steve's whispers do have a soothing effect on Tony, soon enough, he's back, sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands safely in Steve's. They don't talk for a while, they just sit in pure silence. After a while, Tony and Steve both lay down on the bed. Steve is still holding Tony's hands in his, and Tony would lie if he said it didn't make his heart beat the tiniest bit faster.

 

“I'm sorry I acted out.” Tony whispers, not meeting Steve's eyes.

 

“Don't apologize, I did something wrong, I shouldn't have.”

 

“No, Steve, it's not, it's not you. Really. You did nothing wrong.”

 

“Then what is it ?”

 

Coming from someone else, the words might have set Tony off, made him go away, but Steve's calming voice and his reassuring hold on his hands have the opposite effect.

 

“After my parents died” He starts, he's not quite sure why he's telling Steve, he has never wanted to talk about it with anyone, so why now ? “People tried to get informations out of me. I was abducted once after a launching ceremony in the Middle East and .. they did stuff to me.”

 

Tony took a deep breath, and he felt tears coming as memories resurfaced.

 

“Tony, you don't have to..”

 

“I need to.” Tony interrupts him. “I stayed in that cave for months, they kept asking me informations about my father and the company, the weapons. It was a year and a half ago, only six months after I started running Stark Industries, I barely knew everything they mentionned to me. Everytime I'd say I didn't know they would hold me under the water and I just..”

 

Tony feels the tears run down his cheeks but he has no time to wipe them as he finds himself being pulled into Steve's chest. The hold Steve has around him is strong but not overwhelming and it's just what Tony needs really. He lets go and lets himself break down in Steve's arms. It is oddly comforting, he realizes, pouring your heart out to someone you fully trust. He does trust Steve, he trusts Steve more than anyone, he can't think of a day he didn't trust the blonde man. Even when they were apart, a part of him still trusted him he thinks.

 

Steve is once again whispering soothing words into Tony's ears and there's a hand running up and his back and Tony is exhausted and it's not long before he's falling asleep, to the rythm of Steve's heartbeat.

 

 

When he wakes up, the first thing he sees is Steve's face ; he's sound asleep, looking serene and calm and peaceful and Tony thinks _beautiful_. He takes a few minutes to watch, to admire the man next to him. Steve's skin looks so soft, so perfect, and even in the darkness of the room, there seems to be a certain glow to his face and Tony thinks this is the face of an angel, only angels can look so beautiful. He sighs at his cheesy thoughts. He turns around and reaches for his phone on the nightstand. It is funny how he feels like he's been doing this his whole life, how waking up next to Steve screams _habbit_ and _familiarity_.

 

He turns his phone on and sees the dozens of messages from Pepper. He mentally curses himself to forget to wish her a safe flight, god, he is so .. how could he forget to text her ? He should have at least checked his phone once in awhile. She called him twenty times and texted him twice as much. He decides to send her a text saying he's sorry and got caught up with Steve all afternoon ; he's in the middle of writing this when he decides to leave out the Steve part. But then as he's erasing, he feels wrong. He feels like he's lying to her, and he shouldn't. But then again, he's lying in a bed next to his bestfriend, for whom he may or may not have feelings for, while his fiancée is on the other side of the ocean, unaware of this. So, yes, it is lying. Tony has become a liar. He turns his head towards Steve, his angel face , and Tony tells himself that there's nothing. There's nothing, right ? Steve doesn't like him like that, and nothing is ever going to happen between them anyway. They're friends, bestfriends, nothing more. So there's nothing wrong with telling Pepper that he spent the afternoon with Steve. Nope, there's nothing wrong. He starts typing quickly, the words adding up on his phone and he hits send before his mind can convince him not to. He shuffles through his phone a bit more, look through his mail box and sighs when he sees the ten emails reminder that he has new interns to pick next week for his private R&D workshop.

 

“Hey, what's up ?”

 

Steve's questions startles Tony a little and he looks at his bestfriend, and he's scrunching his nose and rubbing his eyes and it's all just too much for Tony. He wants nothing more than reach and kiss Steve's cheeks and his nose and his lips and kiss him until he forgets his name because he's too beautiful. He shakes his head though, because no, he shouldn't be having those thoughts.

 

“Nothing, just woke up and texted Pepper.” Yes, Pepper, focus on Pepper. Good Tony. Pepper, Pepper. Fiancée.

 

“Oh, okay.” Steve mumbles. He lets out a small yawn and his eyes closes again and he's half-smiling, almost like he doesn't notice. He looks so much like a puppy right now, Tony thinks. The brunette put his phone back down on the nightstand, and lies on his side, facing Steve. He places a soft kiss on Steve's forehead.

 

“Go back to sleep, blondie.”

 

Steve mumbles something that Tony doesn't quite get. He gets comfortable himself on the bed, and watches Steve's face again, as he's slowly but surely falling back asleep.

 

 

When he wakes up the next time, there's much more light in the bedroom and he's alone in the bed, but there's a soft humming coming from outside the room and Tony smiles when he recognizes Steve's voice as he sings the title track from _Footloose_. Tony rolls on his back and appreciates this moment ; right now, the sun is shining from the curtains, bathing the room in a blinding warmth, he can feel his heart racing in his chest. Right now, he's happy, and so content. Like nothing could happen to him that would ruin his good mood. Today is going to be a good day.

 

The door opens, letting in a shirtless Steve and Tony raises an eyebrow at the sight, thinking this is some morning view right there. Steve is smiling and grinning and when he sees that Tony is awake, his smile only grows.

 

“Well hello there !”

 

“Hello to you too, you look chipper this morning.”

 

“My friend Clint called, we're invited tomorrow for a day at the Barton's, you're invited as well.”

 

Tony thinks quickly of a way to dismiss this, to avoid going. But Steve must sees something is wrong, because in a second , Steve is on the bed by his side, a hand carefully settled on Tony's knee.

 

“If you don't want to go, you don't have to..”

 

Tony breaks at Steve's voice, it's so different than only minutes ago, and Tony so badly wants to fix it. He smiles, it's a fake one, and he knows Steve can see it. Steve can see through him better than anyone, perks of having being raised together.

 

“I do. I do want to meet your friends.”

 

Steve tilts his head slightly, and he doesn't smile back at Tony, and Tony knows Steve hates when Tony fakes a smile. He places his hand right on Steve's and squeezes it lightly.

 

“I do. Really.”

 

“Okay.” Steve nods. “ So what should we do today ?”

 

Tony smiles at the thought of spending the whole day with Steve and his bestfriend smiles back at him and for a moment, everything is right in the world.

 

“I don't like this.”

 

Steve looks up at his sketchbook and smiles a little at Tony. Tony is spread out on the couch, the book _Myths and Legends of the Ancient Greece_ balanced on one of his knee, while Steve is on the love seat, a sketchpad settled against his lap, he's sitting sideways, his long legs dancing in the air. They have been silent since lunch, which was two hours ago. Tony had quickly texted Pepper, to know if she was okay, which she was, thank god. She was loving France – of course , she would. - and Tony had picked up the book amongst the few Steve had. He didn't feel like doing equations or designing anything right now. His brain needed a time-out, but of course, it started racing with theories once he started reading about the Olympians.

 

“What don't you like ?” Steve asks as he goes back to add a few lines on Tony's hair.

 

“This Hermes and Aphrodite pairing. It doesn't make any sense.”

 

“How so ?”

 

“Hermes is the god of thieves, and mischief and the messenger of gods. That shows that he is mischievous, likes to have fun, but knows who to be loyal to. Aphrodite is the goddess of love, and beauty. She'd fit better for a bad boy, like.. like.. like Ares !” Tony exclaims. “ Yes, Ares and Aphrodite, yeh, they'd fit somehow, a bad boy who would only go good for the beautiful girl he loves. Cliché, but it could work.”

 

“But then who would Hermes end up with ?”

 

“Artemis, obviously.”

 

“Obviously.” Steve mocks the brunette, a smirk playing on his lips.

 

“But think about it, Artemis is the goddess of wilderness, of the hunt, which means she is wild, and isn't fancy, she likes having leaves in her messy hair, and she likes sleeping in the forest. And she's Apollo's twin and I don't know why but I like to think Apollo and Hermes were best friends, so at some point, Hermes would fall for Artemis. She wouldn't, not at first, she's a tough one to crack, but she would fall in love after a while.”

 

“Well someone thought this through.”

 

Tony smiles , and bites his bottom lip, he has ; he started imagining his own version once he read Achilles' arc. Somehow, he could see Achilles and Patroclus's friendship like his and Steve's.

 

“What's your favorite myth ?” Tony asks, curious.

 

Steve doesn't answer, he just adverts his gaze, and goes back to his sketch but Tony notices a certain tension in his fingers as he holds the charcoal.

 

“Steve ?”

 

“You're going to think it's stupid.”

 

“Oh come on, Stevie bear, I would never think that about something you like.” Tony teases. When he sees Steve blushing, he adds. “ Please.”

 

Steve mumbles something, but Tony can't hear him.

 

“You might want to say it louder, babe.”

 

“Icarus.” Steve blurts out.

 

Tony didn't expect that, not at all ; he expected Steve to say Hercules, or even Ulysses. But not Icarus.

 

“See , you think it's stupid.” Steve quickly says.

 

“No, no, I'm just surprised.” Tony responds with honesty. “May I ask why ?”

 

“Well..” Tony sees Steve hesitates before starting to drag his pencil on paper again. He thinks Steve won't tell him, but he's mistaken. “ He's not famous. Icarus was just a boy, he only had his father left and all he wanted was to fly. He just wanted to fly , even for a minute, maybe touch the clouds and that's it. That's all he wanted. He only wanted to fly, reach the sky, reach the sun and leave earth for a bit. I can understand that.”

 

Steve is now drawing big lines through his page and Tony senses a certain anger, a rage through Steve's body language. His jaw is clenched, his fingers are tightened ferociously around his pencil, and his voice broke near the end. Tony gets up from the couch, leaving the book behind and closing the distance between him and Steve. He kneels in front of the love seat and gently grabds Steve's hands. Steve stops drawing and turns to Tony. The brunette sees his bestfriend relax, and he's glad he can at least do that for him.

 

“Hey, it's okay. It's definetely not stupid. We all want to leave earth for a bit.” Tony whispers, brushing his fingers against Steve's knuckles. “ We all want to reach the sun. Icarus was just a bit unprepared. I would have made him a suit of armor, all metal, and he could have flown anytime he wanted.”

 

Steve laughs and it's music to Tony's heart. “ Of course you would. What else ?”

 

“I don't know, maybe make him a pair of metal wings, I think it would look pretty sweet.”

 

“You're crazy.” Steve sighs.

 

“You love me.”

 

The words are out of his mouth before he thinks them, but it's too late, he can't take them back. Steve only laughs a little and goes back to sketching, his fingers less tense on the page, and his face more relaxed. Tony goes back to the couch, picking the book up and finding the page he was reading. It's quiet for a while, it's not uncomfortable, they're used to this. It's just like when they were kids, and Tony would be back for the holidays and they would spend days with eachother, not necessarily talking, but just enjoying eachother's company.

 

“You're my sun.”

 

Steve's words linger in the air, and Tony doesn't know what to answer. Steve's eyes are on him and he holds the gaze for a minute before Steve turns his face back on his sketch, and Tony is not sure what he could say. He is Steve's sun, but why does it feel like Steve is _his_ sun ? He's shining, so bright, and so badly wants to reach but everytime he gets close something hurts. Is it how Steve feels ? Is he reaching but pulling back because it hurts ? Tony doesn't know, is not sure he wants to know. He goes back to reading about Athena and Arachneia, praying no wings will be burned during the journey to the sun.

 


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the 42th chapter, I never thought I would get this far with this story, and especially since we're far from the end.  
> FAIR WARNING : this chapter is the turning point, where things start changing FOR REAL. So read it with caution, remember things that are said in this, and the previous one, as they'd mean a lot in the future.  
> Anyhow, enjoy your read and let me know what you think :)

**xlii**. _reputation // overall quality or character as seen or judged by people in general._

 

“What if they don't like me ?”

 

Steve looks up at the sky once more ; it's a beautiful sunday in New York, there is not a single cloud in the sky, it's almost scary, there's a light breeze, and it messes up with Tony's hair and Steve secretly loves it ; they've decided to walk to the Bartons' household, it wasn't that far, but their neighbourhood was much more private than Steve's. Tony had been quiet but then started coming up with worries. He kept asking what ifs , worried that none of Steve's friends would like him. Steve would've been annoyed if he hadn't been amused first.

 

“They're going to love you.” He reassures Tony for the billionth time.

 

“Just because I'm your friend doesn't mean people are going to like me.” Tony says.

 

“They are going to love you, Tony. Trust me.” Steve says, he grabs Tony's hand and give it a gentle squeeze before letting go. “Besides, we're here.”

 

With a nod, he shows the Bartons' home, and he sees Tony breathing heavily. Steve stops a minute, and so does Tony. He studies Tony's face for a minute ; the situation is strangely funny to him, Tony is nervous as if he was going to meet Steve's parents, like any boyfriend would at some point. Boyfriend. The word sounds oddly normal, almost natural to him, when he associates it with Tony.

 

“Why are you smiling ?” Tony asks and Steve's reverie is broken, and he just shakes his head.

 

“Nothing, come on.”

 

He grabs Tony's hand again, and they resume their way to the gate of the house. The American flag is proudly flowing as Steve presses the button of the interphone.

 

“This is the Bartons' home, who is this ?” A child voice answers.

 

“Hey Cooper, it's Steve !” Steve answers, happy to hear the young boy's voice.

 

“Uncle Steve !” There's a buzz, signaling the gate is open for them to come in. Steve chuckles at the little one, and Tony laughs from behind him. They haven't made two steps that the front door is already open and a wild Cooper is let out ; he runs towards Steve. Steve kneels and opens his arms for Cooper ; the young boy jumps in them and gives Steve a very tight hug.

 

“I've missed you !” Cooper whispers in Steve's neck.

 

“And I've missed you more buddy !” Steve pulls away for a minute and ruffles Cooper's hair. He turns to Tony, and his heart skips a beat when he sees the look on Tony's face. Whatever worry and whatever frown he sported before has vanished, and is now replaced by a bright, genuine smile, and it warms all of Steve's inside. “Cooper, this is Tony, my bestfriend.”

 

“Hi Sir.” Cooper says, becoming all shy all of sudden. Tony kneels as well, getting to the little boy's height.

 

“Hi young man, you don't have to call me Sir, I'm just Tony.”

 

Coopers nods and sends a glance at Steve , who nods. Cooper then jumps at Tony's neck and hugs him as well. Tony is more than taken aback by the gesture, he turns his head to Steve, who is smiling, his head tilted to the side. He's about to talk when a voice stops him.

 

“Oh Laura, darling, they're here, they're finally taking him !”

 

Cooper breaks the hug when he hears his father's voice, and runs back to Clint's side. Steve and Tony both stand up and Steve introduces Clint and Tony. Clint frowns a little as he shakes Tony's hand.

 

“You're Tony Stark, right ? The heir ? ”

 

Steve turns to Tony and sees a faint blush painting his bestfriend's cheeks and Steve sometimes forget that Tony's a prince, the heir of the biggest weapon making company of the last century , and that while for Steve, he's just Tony, for other people he's the Tony Stark.

 

“Huh, yeh. It's me.” Tony says, his voice low.

 

“Pretty cool.” Clint nods. “ I hope you like a good roast, Laura has been cooking _all damn morning._ ”

 

“Language.” Steve says.

 

Clint and Tony both look at Steve as the word escapes his mouth, before bursting out of laughing. Steve bites his lip, embarassment creeping up on his face.

 

“Yeh , sure, whatever you say, Captain.” Clint says, still chuckling.

 

They all go inside, Tony and Clint still laughing a little, and Cooper confused as to what is so funny.

 

 

The day goes by in a blink, a little bit before lunch, Bucky and Sam joined the family. As they talk, Steve learns that Tony actually does know Bucky's girlfriend, Natasha, as she is Pepper's personal assistant. Sam and Tony have a small bantering contest and who's the funniest but Clint wins them all when they decide to settle it on who can eat the most smashed potatoes in the least of time. The day is full of laughter, smiles, jokes flying and hugs from the kids. Steve notices that Tony and Lila seems to have bonded really well, as they are currently playing with legos. They're building a sort of robot, it seems, and how not surprising of Tony , really, but Steve can see that Lila is really into it, and he sees how excited Tony is about this, he's talking with his hands, and Lila is paying very close attention to everything he says. Steve himself is sitting next to Sam and Bucky, Laura went upstairs to lay down after lunch. Wanda is playing baseball with Clint and Cooper in the garden. This is a perfect Sunday, with his friends, the sun is shining, everyone is happy.

 

So why does he feel so out of place ?

 

“I didn't know you knew that kind of fancy people, Steve.” Sam says, he has a little smirk playing on his lips, and Steve can hear the distinct playfulness in his voice.

 

“His parents took me in after my Ma died. She worked for them.” He explains briefly, he doesn't want to talk about his mum, the memory of her always bringing tears and sad smiles and the sun is too high in the sky to let the water run down his cheeks.

 

“That's a very nice of them.” Bucky states. Unlike Sam's , there's no playfulness in Bucky's voice. His jaw is set, he has his serious face on. Steve knows it too well, having seen it too many times to count.

 

“He seems like a nice guy. Good with the kids.” Sam bends over a little and looks behind Steve , at Tony, and Steve turns around, and he is in awe of the scene in front of him. Tony and Lila are laughing histerically as their two robots sit between them – one is more elaborated then the other, Steve bets it's Tony's – and Tony is basically laying on the floor while Lila is holding her stomach in pain, the good kind. And Steve wants to say, he wants to yell, _no ! He is a great guy, he's wonderful, he's perfect !_ But the words stay stuck on his tongue, and he just watches Tony and Lila laughing and playing together.

 

“Nat says he's a player, says that it's incredible that he's finally settling down.” Bucky speaks up and his words have Steve turning around.

 

“Why would she say that ?” Steve retorts, and he doesn't mean for his voice to sound so mean but it does.

 

“She's just been working for his company for quite some time now, and his reputation preceeds him.” Bucky answers, he's too calm, too unbothered, Steve raises an eyebrow at his remark. “ Oh come on, don't tell me you don't know about all the models he's hooked up with. All the parties, the hookers, the one day holiday that he takes at the mild incovenience..” Bucky scoffs.

 

Steve clenches his fists, he wants to take the words out of Bucky's mouth, make him take them back, because that's not who Tony is, Bucky doesn't know Tony at all, and Steve does and he could say all about Tony, everything that he is and is not. But he's not sure Bucky would even listen, would even want to hear them, so he bites the inside of his cheeks and stay quiet.

 

The front door opens and in comes a dirty trio. Wanda, Clint and Cooper all share patches of dirt on their outfits. Wanda comes by, the least dirty of the three, and sits next to Bucky.

 

“So what are you guys talking about ?” she asks, as she leans in Bucky's space.

 

“Just Mister Prince other there.” Sam answers.

 

“What about him ?” Wanda frowns, as she sends a glance in Tony's direction, and then Steve.

 

“Just.. Stuff.” Bucky tells her.

 

“Rumors.” Steve corrects, and he makes sure that Bucky understands that Steve is not joking, or playing with him, he makes sure that Bucky knows that eventhough they're very good friends, Tony is Steve's bestfriend and that will rule out everything else.

 

Bucky holds his gaze for a minute before looking away, rolling his eyes. Steve is on the verge of snapping, he bites the inside of his cheeks to prevent him from getting upset and saying things he might regret.

 

“I'm making coffee, Steve come with me ?” Wanda says. It's not really a question, she's already up and Steve follows her to the kitchen.

 

She gets cups out of the cupboard while Steve takes the coffee bag. He leaves Wanda making it as he stands there , gripping the edge of the counter so hard his knuckles are turning white.

 

“He's just looking out for you.” Wanda says, her voice very low as the coffee machine is brewing the beans. “You know how James is, he gets protective of people, especially when there's people he doesn't know.”

 

“The point exactly.” Steve interrupts her. “ He doesn't know Tony.”

 

“Why do I feel you don't want people to know him ?”

 

“I do ! Wanda, I do, he's incredible, really he's so so incredibly clever it's annoying sometimes but he has a big heart, and I just want people to see this but ..”

 

Steve trails off , and a silence settles between him and Wanda, before she lets out a small chuckle.

 

“What's funny ?”

 

“Nothing.” She answers, but she's still chuckling.

 

“Wanda, I didn't say anything even the slightest funny so what would you-..”

 

“Do I smell coffee ?”

 

Steve and Wanda both turn around at the sound of Tony's voice, the brunette is entering the kitchen, his nose up in the air , inhaling the strong scent of freshly brewed coffee.

 

“Tony, you're right on time ! I was just about to go to wake Laura up, but Steve is going to need help wih the coffee, would you mind helping him ?”

 

Wanda is smiling, the kind of mischievious smile that a kid has , and she tilts her head to the side, and Steve looks at her and sees someone else at this moment, not really the Wanda he knows , the calm and sweet and quiet. He sees a bold one, full of _espièglerie_ , and he wonders if her late twin brother was like that.

 

“Yeh sure.” Tony answers, almost too willingly, like he's compelled to. Wanda beams and leaves the two of them in the room. Tony shakes his head after she leaves, like he's getting out of a trance. “Is she a witch ?”

 

“No.” Steve says, smiling. “ But she's good at getting what she wants.”

 

“I can see that.”

 

They both starts making the actual coffee, pouring the hot water into the machine, so the brew can now be sipped and the drink can be made.

 

“You're good with Lila.”

 

“She's a genius.” Tony immediately answers. “ And you know that's a lot coming from me.” He adds, winking at Steve.

 

The simple gesture gets Steve's heart racing, and he smiles, heat creeping on his cheeks. They work together and get the coffee done, and Steve is running on electricity it seems as Tony is always touching him – his sides, his arm, his shoulder – , the brunette seems to take a liking into teasing Steve by poking him and nudging him and Steve's skin itches where Tony touches him. And it doesn't stop when the two sits next to eachother as the whole gang has coffee – Laura has a tea, prepared by her loving husband of course – , but even then Tony still finds a way to have physical contact. Steve drinks his coffee awfully fast, awfully aware of Tony's thigh against his, pressing into him so much that he can feel the heat emanating from his bestfriend.

 

It's later in the afternoon and Steve is reading a book, next to Wanda ; they're comfortably settled on the small swing , while Clint , Tony, Cooper, and Lila are playing football. Steve sometimes glances at them and smiles at the four. Tony is teamed up with Lila while father and son are together. It's funny how Tony and Lila hit it off so well, but then Steve thinks, no one can really resist Tony's charm. He focuses back on his book, _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ , borrowed from Wanda obivously. He likes the story, can relate to the main character Charlie , probably a bit too much ; Wanda is reading _The Song of Achilles_ , by a very new author Steve hasn't heard of, but the title is intriguing enough that he makes sure to borrow it soon.

 

After a while, Tony joins Wanda and Steve on the swing, he sits between the two of them and stays quiet. But knowing Tony, Steve waits for all the questions the brunette is going to ask.

 

“What's your book about, Wanda ?” Tony does ask finally.

 

“About Achilles and Patroclus.” Wanda answers, not taking her eyes off the book. “Do you know about them ?”

 

“Of course, I remember I had to write an essay for my english class about Achilles. One of the greatest heroes of Ancient Greece. Would have made him steel-forged shoes if I had met him.”

 

Steve smiles at the remark but doesn't interject between Tony and Wanda, he hears Wanda laugh quietly.

 

“Not quite the main arc of the story, but that woud be interesting to develop.”

 

“What's the main arc then if not the lack of me the Greeks had ?” Steve know that tone by heart, it's playful, mischievous, sweet Tony who's playing all of his good cards to win your favors, and he thinks, _there he is_.

 

“Achilles and Patroclus being lovers.” Wanda answers and there's a silence after that which makes Steve takes his eyes away from one of Charlie's letter.

 

“Oh. They are ?” Tony says, after a minute, his eyes focused on Wanda, who's watching intensely.

 

“They are.” She repeats in an affirmative tone. “ Most gods and fallen heroes were, I believe.”

 

“Oh really ?” Tony questions. “ Like who ?”

 

“Eros and Psyche were lovers.” Wanda starts. “ Zeus had many affairs with mortals as it is known, Apollo and Icarus..”

 

“Wait, wait.” Tony says, and even Steve is surprised by Wanda's words. “ Apollo and Icarus ? What ?”

 

“What what ?” Wanda chuckles. “ Icarus wanted wings so he could fly closer to the sun. Who's the ruler of the sun ? ” When the realization seems to hit Tony, Wanda continues. “Exactly. Icarus was gay as hell.” A pause. “ Well not that Hades was actually gay, he was entirely devoted to Persephone. Probably the one god who was faithful.”

 

“Apollo and Icarus..” Tony's voice is just a whisper. “But Icarus died..”

 

“Great love stories often end that way unfortunately. You can't reach what's unreachable, Icarus reached too high and the heat melted the wax of his wings. His love for Apollo ruined him and he didn't even realize it until he was falling.”

 

“But it wasn't Apollo's fault, he couldn't know..”

 

“And Apollo couldn't possibly know, he had other lovers, like Cassandra..” Steve adds. Wanda's words echo in his mind, rushing the blood to his heart, making it skip a few beats. He feels Tony tense up next to him.

 

“Don't you think he _did_ know ?” Wanda retorts. “ Apollo has many conquest to his record, he's quite the hearthrob so-..”

 

“It wasn't Apollo's fault.” Tony cuts . “He would have reached down and meet Icarus in the middle if he had..” His voice trails off and Steve hears the little shaking at the end of his words, and he leans in Tony's space immediately, without thinking about it, like a reflex. He feels Tony relax immediately, his shoulders lose their tension, and he turns to Steve slightly but quickly goes back to Wanda.

 

“What's your favorite myth Wanda ?” Tony questions, on a quiet tone, more calm, more set, more him.

 

“I don't have a favorite one, but I like Hecate, the goddess of witchcraft and darkness but also of motherhood and protection. I think it's pretty amazing. And yours, Tony ?”

 

“I am not quite sure who's my favourite..” Tony responds, and then it's quiet. Tony stays inbetween Wanda and Steve as they both go back to their readings. He just stays there, staring at the backyeard, and Steve often steals glances at him, but his bestfriend doesn't look back. So he just does the same as earlier, leans into Tony's space, letting him know he's here if need be, and prays that it's enough.

 


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New characters are introduced in this ! They'll play a role at some point , I wouldn't have introduced them in the story if they hadn't.  
> Enjoy your reading :)

**xliii**. _mamihlapinatapai : a look shared by two people , each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin._

 

Later, when the sun has already set hours ago, and the moon has taken its place in the sky, and no birds can be heard, and Tony and Steve are walking home. There's a change in the atmosphere between them, Tony can feel it, there's something a tiniest bit different. But then, somehow, some way, it seems like the feeling has always been there, only more vibrant. Tony isn't sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

Steve is walking next to him ; he has his head down, watching his steps ; he hasn't said a word since they started walking.

 

“So, they're nice.” Tony tries. Steve barely acknowledges him, only nods. “Lila is going to be a genius someday.” Nothing. “And Cooper is great at soccer. He has a mean tactic that one.” Steve only huums.

 

Tony sighs, he knows what's bothering Steve, it's what Wanda says. And he'd lie saying it's not bothering him as well; her own version of Icarus and Apollo is awfully similar to Steve and Tony's story. How strange, though, Tony realizes; he had never thought of Icarus wanting to fly to reach Apollo, he had never thought about them as lovers even. And Steve has said that he relates to Icarus, and Tony does awfully relate to Apollo, in a misunderstanding sort of connection. Why do we always talk about the bad things the gods do anyway? Why not talk about the good things they do? He doesn't realize they arrived until Steve is no longer by his side, and Tony thinks it's funny how he _knew_ Steve wasn't by his side, because he _felt_ it.

 

Once they're in Steve's apartment, Tony thinks the tension is going to suffocate him; he almost wants to leave now, had it been anyone else he would have, he would have run for the hills in no time. But Steve is different, he's Tony's other half, he's Tony's soul in an other body, he's everything Tony wants and can't have. He's .. simply perfectly Steve.

 

“I can hear you thinking.”

 

Steve's voice breaks Tony's train of thoughts. He looks up at his bestfriend, and looks at him for a minute ; he's leaned against the sink, his eyes set on Tony, soft and gentle. Tony chuckles and takes a few steps and sits on a stool by the counter.

 

“I could say the same to you.” Tony answers, placing his cheek in his hand. “ You've been very quiet.”

 

“Just thinking.” Steve says, as he turns around and takes two glasses from the cupboards. He gets them water and some cherry squash and hands Tony his glass, and then he sits.

 

“I could tell.” Tony says before taking a sip. “ What's on your mind?”

 

“Just stuff.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Tony.”

 

Tony narrows his eyes at Steve, who's looking up at him, just like he did when he was a kid, with a sheepish smile but full of mirth. Tony smiles, because he can't be mad at Steve. He quietly laughs and shakes his head.

 

“God, I love you.”

 

The words are out of his mouth before he could even think, and he's biting his lip, hoping Steve hasn't heard him. But how could he not? They're literally sitting one feet away from eachother, there is no possible way Steve hasn't. Tony focuses on his glass, takes a long sip and waits.

 

“Do you though?” Steve questions after a while. “Love me?”

 

Tony looks up and he sees it. He sees _something_ , something in Steve's eyes that he can't grasp yet, and Tony wants to, he so badly wants to, because Steve is reaching, he is reaching, deploying his wings to fly , and Tony wants to meet him in the middle, _he does_ but he thinks about Wanda's words and knows he'd ruin him. He'd ruin Steve, would spoil him, destroy him. He can't let that happen to Steve, he can't, the man is too precious to Tony, he would end up leaving Tony and Tony can't have that, he can't. He can't have Steve as he wants, so he needs to keep him simply as what he is.

 

“Of course I do.” He answers with a forced smile – that he knows Steve can see through. “ You're my bestfriend.”

 

Not a lie, technically. Steve _is_ his bestfriend, he's the one who knows Tony inside and out, the one who knows everything about him, the nice parts, the ugly parts, the rough edges and the soft ones.

Steve doesn't answer, just looks at Tony, and _it_ 's still there, still in his eyes, and Tony wants to ignore it, wants to pretend he sees nothing but he can't. It's there and it shows, and for the first time, he thinks he sees what he's feeling inside Steve's eyes. Is it? Is it how Tony feels? Does Steve feel that way towards Tony? Does he?

 

Steve opens his mouth but closes it almost immediately, leaving words in; Tony wants to reach out and taste them, taste these lips again. He stares at them and doesn't realize he's starving for them until then.

 

“Why do I even bother..” Steve whispers, dropping his glass on the counter and sliding off the stool. He leaves Tony alone in the kitchen without a word; Tony frowns, confused.

 

“Steve?” He calls out. He only gets a distant groan in response.

 

He decides to get up and follow the blonde man to his bedroom ; Steve is by the window, his back facing Tony, the window is open, letting a breeze in, and Tony hasn't seen Steve like that since they were kids. He remembers this one time, it was before the Easter break, and Steve had called him, talking about some bully terrorizing a young girl and scrawny little Steve had stood up to him , obviously, and when Tony had gone back home , he had seen the bruises on Steve's face and body. He had gotten angry like never before, he had been so upset because Steve had gotten in a unwinnable fight, and Steve had gotten mad back because Tony couldn't understand why he was doing it, and Steve had stood in front of his window, just like he is now, letting the air brush his skin.

 

“Steve..”

 

Steve's shoulders tense up, Tony can see it from where he is.

 

“Please leave..”

 

“Steve, come on..”

 

Steve turns around all of sudden and Tony can see tears welling up in his eyes and Tony's heart breaks at the sight.

 

“You don't see it, do you?” Steve blurts out, he's not even screaming, but his voice is pure frustration and anger. “

 

“Steve, please, just..” Tony takes a step forward.

 

“No, no, _fucking no_!” Steve yells, taking a step back, and Tony stops in his tracks. Tears finally fall from Steve's eyes. “You're just.. You're just blind, aren't you? You think you can just come here, and .. do whatever you think you're doing and just have me hanging?!”

 

“Steve, what are you talking?” Tony questions, confusion filling him. “ I am not doing anything, I don't know what you're talking about, what are you-..”

 

“I'm fucking in love with you , you idiot!” Steve yells.

 

Tony can't believe it , can't believe his ears are playing him, because Steve couldn't possibly say this to him right now. No, not now, not when Tony is engaged, months away from being tied to a far too perfect woman. As the words echo in his mind , he realizes that it's all he's prayed to hear ever since he was young Tony Stark wearing his glasses, writing equations on napkins.

 

“And I'm so stupid for loving you. You're engaged, and you don't love me. I'm just the poor orphan kid anyway.” Steve whispers, more to himself than to Tony.

 

Tony wipes away his own tears, and gets close to Steve; this time Steve lets him, and Tony takes his hands in his, Steve's eyes focus on him. Tony braces himself, he can do this, he is a Stark. Starks are known to be heartbreakers, and Tony hates that he has to break Steve's but it's for his own safety. Tony sees how the bullshit the media says impacts Pepper, he saw how Obadiah was obnoxious, just plain rude to Steve only two days ago. Tony's world would consume him, and Tony would ruin him.

And It breaks Tony's heart, he wants Steve. He wants Steve in the purest way of wanting, he longs for Steve's skin against his, for his lips against his own, longs to hear his laugh.

 

“Steve, I am engaged..” _But I am in love with you too_ , that's what Tony wants to say. That's what he wishes he could say, but he can't, because he is engaged.

 

“Yeh, thanks I know that.” Steve retorts, taking his away out of Tony's grip.”God, can you just leave?” He adds, turning away, back to the window.

 

Tony nods, even though Steve can't see him. He turns around, grabs his car keys on the bedside table, makes sure he has his phone and wallet, before leaving the apartment. It's only when he gets to his car that he let the tears fall freely. He's not sobbing or hyperventilating, he's just crying, hurting , his heart breaking in pieces. He leans his head against the wheel and closes his eyes.

 

He wants nothing more but to go back and tell Steve what he really feels, that he loves him too, probably since forever, and that he wants to stay with him, that he wishes he could always stay with him. But Tony knows the people in his life, the life where he's _Mister Stark_ and not just Tony, and they'd destroy him, they'd use everything they find against him and tear him apart. And Tony doesn't want that,he wants Steve to stay as pure, as whole as he is right now. And if he has to break his heart just to keep him from being further broken, then so be it.

 

Pepper is back the next day, and she's glowing from her trip in Europe, her smile is a little brighter too. And if that's even possible, she's even more focused on work and the wedding. She gives Tony a schedule of what meetings he has to attend during the next month, and he wonders if he's going to have time to breathe. Or even pee. But he doesn't say anything, just nods. He has interns to pick, for his new R&D section. The selection goes fast; he's rather impressed by the two kids he picked up, a young boy named Peter Parker that reminds Tony too much of himself and a young girl named Gwen Stacy, who screams Steve's spirit somehow. The two of them have been at each other with correct answers, always refuting eachother's theories with better facts and options, and Tony was internally dying of laughter, and his choice was made when Gwen ended Peter by proving his theory to be wrong when she magnetized the battery and overloading it with power, causing it to blow up. Peter's face was priceless.

 

Later, when Peter, Gwen and himself, are in the lab, tinkering with element and energy forces, Tony's mind goes back to Steve; he hasn't seen the man in three days, three awfully long days, three days where Tony felt miserable, he felt sick, he still does , even right now as he's working on a very interesting project, his stomach is tied in knots, his throat is still burning from the words he spoke to Steve.

 

“Mister Stark?”

 

Tony turns around, facing Gwen who's holding a clipboard, her blonde hair is tightly held back in a ponytail, and her eyes are perfectly focused on him , her fringe perfectly placed on her forehead. She reminds him of someone, but he pushes the painful memory away.

 

“Please, it's Tony.”

 

“Hum, alright, Tony.” She says, hesitantly. “Concerning the new element, I've done my research and I believe it may be viable but it might need to be held b a sustainable power source.”

 

“And what do you think that might be?” Tony asks, he knows the answer, he's done his research too, but if she can find it then he'll be for sure impressed.

 

“The arc reactor energy is incredible, it's powerful enough to be self-sufficient for years hopefully, and it'd be green, completely environment friendly. And if we find a way to reduce its size, like a mini one, we could potentially be able to reproduce it and use into the StarkPhones even Tablets technology.”

 

Her voice trails off, and her eyes are wide with excitement, and she so reminds Tony of _him;_ with her eyes wide with excitment and wish to learn and do more, and her perfect blonde hair and her blue eyes, she's so much like Steve right now. Tony's heart breaks a little bit more, but he manages to push it aside, push the pain to its assigned place in his brain. He smiles, a very fake one, and calls out Peter.

 

“Peter? Ask Miss Stacy what she just briefed me on, and you two start running experiments, and keep me updated.”

 

Peter frowns and looks at Gwen who is now wearing a proud smile, Tony sees her raising a provocative eyebrow at Peter, and he smiles, because damn, she _is_ a female version of Steve. That bright, sharp mind with a hint of sass.

 

 

When he's back home, he finds Pepper in the living room, next to Natasha; the two women are typing away on their laptops. Tony doesn't want to interfere – or talk to any one really, he wants to hide away in his workshop and be forgotten and forget – but Pepper calls him out before he can even take the first steps down the stairs.

 

“Tony, can you come here a minute?”

 

He mentally curses, and plants a fake face on as he turns around. He walks towards the living room, and greets them.

 

“Ladies, what can I help you with?” He has his charming voice, the one he uses when he needs to get away with something. 

 

“Here.” Pepper hands him a clipboard. “ Look through them, and tell me which one you'd like.”

 

“Okay..” Tony says as he sees a display of photos of designer suits. The wedding, his wedding suit obviously. “Can't you just pick one up?”

 

Pepper sighs, exasperation full in his voice.

 

“Tony, it's your suit, you have to pick one _yourself_.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Tony says, he knows that tone of Pepper, he knows when not to mess with her. And tonight is one of those times. “Is that all?” He's already turning away, ready to take off.

 

“You might want to over see them with Steve, as he's your best man. You also might want to go over the selections of rings, it's with the pages.”

 

Tony freezes at the mention of Steve, he had almost forgot about that small detail of Steve being his bestman; of course he had forgotten, he had done it while his brain was on a panic high, and not functionning properly, of course he'd forget.

 

“Yeh sure.” He says. “I'll be in the 'shop if you need me.”

 

“One more thing, we might have to invite Steve for the menu testing.” Natasha speaks up for the first time. Tony turns to her, and raises a questionning eyebrow. “ As he's your best man, and Miss Potts asked me to be here as well, I think it's only fair that he attends.”

 

“That does make sense.” Pepper agrees.

 

Tony's blood is boiling inside his veins, he's not sure why, but he can't quite calm himself.

 

“Sure I'll tell him.” Tony answers, trying to calm his voice, but at the sight of Natasha's face, he knows he's failed. “I'll be in the 'shop.”

 

This time, he doesn't wait around to leave; he just leaves, runs to the stairs and jogs down. The door slides open, and he goes deep into the workshop, crashes on one of his chair. Burying his hands in his hair, he takes in deep breaths, trying to calm his brain and his heart.

 

“Sir? Are you alright?”

 

Jarvis, Tony's AI, his best creation, resonates through the speakers. Jarvis is still a work in progress, Tony hasn't completely finished him yet, but he's proud of what he's done with the AI. Nobody knows about this, not even Pepper or Obadiah or Rhodey. It's his little secret, and somehow, he wants to keep it that way. And that's why Jarvis' words are like a balm to Tony's heart wounds. He smiles through his tears, wiping them away.

 

“No, J, but I'll be better.”

 

There's a pause, and if Tony wasn't the one to have programmed Jarvis, he'd think the AI isn't going to answer, but then he _is_ the one who programmed it.

 

“Should I put your most played songs with a mix of your old classics?” And there it is. The comfort warms Tony.

 

“Oh, J, what would I do without you.”

 

“That, I don't know Sir.” A pause. “ But you'd be bored definetely.”

 

Tony laughs out loud, warming his cheeks and he looks up at the roof. “Lock the 'shop would you? No one is to come in, we're not in socializing mode.”

 

“As you want , Sir.”

 

And then Tony is off, he takes off his vest, and shirt, throws them somewhere, and gets a dirty, greasy tank top that was lying around, and starts working. And finally all he can think of his new element , and the arc reactor technology and blonde hair in the wind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo! PETER ! GWEN! JARVIS! NAT IS BACK!  
> I wanted to introduce Peter and Gwen in this story for sooo long, I was just waiting for the right moment. And I thought they'd be good, working with Tony and the arc reactor technology. Also, get ready for a few very uncomfortable and awkward chapters coming .. I am not done with these two yet.  
> Let me know what you think , also if you want to chat : cuddlingmess.tumblr.com :)


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably my longest Steve chapter (yet ). I am setting the timeline for the story a little it in this one, since I don't want you guys to be confused. But know that this story is going up to the wedding date. So there are more chapters to come, I won't write everysingle day of the 3 months but they're going to be important. More to come in the next update. A LOT MORE.  
> I am Groot.

**xliv**. _peripatetic // a person who wonders a lot_

 

Steve's phone rings yet again on his bedside table, it's probably the tenth time this morning. It's Bucky, and probably Sam by now. Bucky has called him numerous times in the past three days but he hasn't answered any of his calls. Wanda has called him and texted him as well, but not as much. Steve is actually surprised of the fact Bucky hasn't barged in his apartment yet. Steve isn't sure he would care at this point. He feels so numb, he's not even hurting anymore ; of course he was hurt after Tony so gently broke his heart three nights ago, he hurt for a long time, but there's only so much pain you can handle before you just go numb, Steve knows that by now.

 

After listening to his phone ring a couple more times, he decides to pick it up and see who's been spamming him. There's at least twenty calls from Bucky as expected, a few from Wanda. Steve's air gets caught in his throat, when he sees Tony's name, mentionning 16 unread messages, including five missed calls.

 

**From Tony  - 8 : 45 am**

 

_Hey_

 

**From Tony – 8:49 am**

 

_You up ?_

 

**From Tony – 8:51 am**

 

_You probably are, jus checkin_

 

**From Tony - 9:02 am**

 

_Hey ?_

 

**From Tony – 9:05 am**

 

_Are you mad at me ?_

 

**From Tony – 9:09 am**

 

_Steve ?_

 

**From Tony – 9:13 am**

 

_Steve ???_

 

**From Tony – 9:21 am**

 

_Please_

 

**From Tony – 9:25 am**

 

_We need to talk_

 

**From Tony – 9:25 am**

 

_I mean, no we don't need to, we can talk, if you want to_

 

**From Tony – 9:26 am**

 

_About sunday, but if you don't want to then we don't have to_

 

**From Tony – 9:27 am**

 

_Steve ?_

 

**From Tony – 9:32 am**

 

_Come on, love, I miss you_

 

**From Tony – 9:34 am**

 

_Steve, please talk to me_

 

**From Tony – 9:40 am**

 

_I need you Steve._

 

**From Tony – 9:45 am**

 

_Are you okay ? I'm worrying over here_

 

 

Steve reads the messages and tears gather in his eyes, it's too painful to see those words and know that they don't mean the same for Tony as they do for Steve. He slides on and his voicemail starts. He skips through Bucky's voicemails, he tells himself that he'll get back to them later, and braces himself for Tony's.

 

**(1) Tony – 10 am**

 

_Steve, okay, look can you answer me ? Because I am actually worried right now, like please just send me a text even to yell at me, I don't care I just need to know you're safe._

_Please please, just text me or call even better, just let me know you're safe._

 

**(2) Tony – 11 am**

 

_Should I start like a missing person investigation ? I swear if you don't answer me in the next twenty minutes I'm calling the police and reporting you as a missing person._

 

**(3) Tony – 11:30 am**

 

_I'm literally about to drive to your house right now_

 

 

Steve looks at the time on his phone and it's 11:40 am , and _oh my god_ , Tony is on his way to his apartment ! Steve starts panicking, he can't face Tony, he can't face Tony right now, he can't have Tony come here, not right now, not when Steve wants to bury himself and never come out. He quickly opens the text conversation and starts typing.

 

**To Tony – 11 : 42 am**

 

_Please don't come. I'm fine._

 

The answer is immediate.

 

**From Tony – 11:42 am**

 

_Omg Steve ! For fuck sake, I thought you were dead or something_

 

**To Tony – 11:43 am**

 

_I am fine. Don't come, I can't_

 

**To Tony – 11:43 am**

 

_I can't see you right now_

 

**From Tony – 11:51 am**

 

_Oh .._

 

**From Tony – 11:55 am**

 

_Okay.. But are you alright ?_

 

Steve takes his time to answer, he doesn't want to lie, Tony would see through it he thinks .

 

**To Tony – 12:03 pm**

 

_I'll be fine._

 

Steve sighs and falls back on his bed, he shuts his eyes and rubs his face with his hands. He's so tired, his heart feels heavy in his chest and he wants to let the tears gathering in his eyes fall but he doesn't, he pinches the bridge of his nose and takes in deep breaths and tells himself that men don't cry, they don't, not over stupid things like a broken heart. Tony broke his heart years ago already, he should be fine with the pain by now ; he's used to it, so why can't he pick up the pieces and put them back together this time, just like he did the other times ?

 

 

“So you're sure you can come?” Tony sounds nervous. Steve takes a deep breath and braces himself. He doesn't want to spend a lunch date with both Tony and Pepper, but he has to. He is still Tony's bestfriend and that's better than nothing.

 

“Yes, for sure.” He answers, his voice steady.

 

“Great, do you want me to pick you up? I could come by a bit earlier and..”

 

“I'll get there on my own.”Steve interrupts him, cuts him off; he doesn't want to spend any moment with Tony alone, doesn't want to see what would Tony say without someone else in the room. But worse, he's not sure of what he'd do if he is to be alone with Tony.

 

“Oh.” There's a silence between the two of them. An unusual one, usually their silence is comfortable, not tense, not thick, like this one, one that Steve doesn't know how to fill. “Well, I'll text you the adress?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Alright..” Tony's voice trails off. Steve senses a certain hesitation in his tone, he feels something coming, and again he's right. “ Steve, I..”

 

“I'll see you tomorrow.” Steve hangs up and cuts the call short. He drops his phone on the table and gathers himself.

 

He breathes in, and looks up at the ceiling, he blindly grabs a pillow over his head and cover his eyes. He presses it on his face , letting the fabric hold in his scream. He screams and screams until his lungs ache. For a second, he wonders about the darkness of death, how it would be like to just disappear right now, disappear from earth, to not be, to just be forgotten. He wonders what it'd be like if he just pressed on the pillow , a little too much, a little harder, if he just .. what would happen if he was just _gone_?

 

 

He hands the money to the taxi driver, and closed the door. He straightens his shirt and takes a step towards the restaurant entry, counting his steps up to the door. He is about to go to the receptionist and ask him if Pepper and Tony or Nat were already here, when someone called his name.

 

“Steve!”

 

Steve turns and sees a splash of bright and long red hair and he's relieved to see Natasha, he hasn't seen her since that dinner at her and Bucky's place actually. He would have liked to see her on another occasion but life happens and she's a busy woman, that one, Steve reckons.

 

“How are you?” She says as she plants a kiss on his cheek.

 

“I'm good, and yourself?” He asks as he returns the gesture. “How was France?”

 

“Wonderful, I did meet some really interesting people there, good business women as well.” She answers as she leads him to an open area where other people are having lunch. He's happy he decided to put on a formal outfit. “ How are you though? Bucky mentionned he tried to contact you a few times but couldn't reach you.”

 

Steve bites his tongue and forms a lie, as easy as breathing. “ I was busy with some stuff.” It's a pathetic lie, he knows it and by the look Natasha gives him, she knows it too, but she doesn't say anything, just keeps walking towards a more private area.

 

They reach Pepper and Tony and Pepper is on the phone and Tony is playing with his napkin – it's already unfolded and he looks utterly bored by it and he's making weird shapes with the piece of fabric, Steve wants to smile because he looks so much like Tony at this moment that his heart ache, but he doesn't. Natasha and him approach the table and Tony raises his head, and Steve wants to believe the instant happiness and bright smile that appear are for him but he stops the thought and sits down. He's between Tony and Natasha , facing Pepper, who is still on the phone right now, and Steve fixates his gaze on his own napkin. He doesn't want to think about the fact that he feels Tony's eyes on him, nor the fact that he feels Tony's knees against his. He doesn't want to think about the fact that his heart is breaking yet again.

 

“I am so sorry, but an Italian company is highly interested in investing in SI, but their ethic is highly disputable.”

 

“Why so?” Steve asks. He doesn't really care, has never been one for business talks or economics, he understands the most of it, but he doesn't care much about it. He just needs something, he needs his focus to be on something else entirely.

 

Pepper doesn't need to be asked twice, she starts talking about this said company's ethic protocole and Steve is not really listening, he's trying to process her words, to understand what she's saying, but he can only nod at whatever she's saying. The first course of the testing menu comes by and Pepper finally stops.

 

“Well, enough about this.” She says, unfolding his napkin. “So, tell us, Steve, what have been doing since last time?”

 

“Oh, hum, not much, really.” Steve answers as he starts playing with the food – he can't even tell if it's fish or meat in his plate, it's a tiny portion and he's not sure if he's supposed to eat this and like it. “I have been catching up with a few friends, and I've just taken my time really.” _And I spent days with your fiancé, and we've kissed a few times and he spent many nights at my place and I'm in love with him but you shouldn't know that,_ Steve thought.

 

“Steve is actually a very good friend of my boyfriend, Miss Potts.” Natasha pipes in.

 

“Oh, James! He's charming for sure! He was in your unit Steve?”

 

“Yes, but he didn't do the third tour with me.” Steve says, playing with his fish-meat-whatever.

 

Steve meets Natasha's eyes and they both look down, not speaking of what happened back in Iraq, back when there was only smoke and sand and fire and bullets and Bucky lying unconcious, his arms completely burned and shattered only feet away from the man's body and he wants to cry at the memory, but he feels a hand on his knee, and he looks back at Tony, briefly, it's only a second he reckons, but Tony's eyes are tender and full of affection and Steve's heart warms up a little at the sight, but he pulls his knees from Tony's touch, because his skin itches were Tony touched him. He _can't_ , not right now.

 

The menu testing goes by and little conversation is made, but around 2:30 pm, Pepper and Natasha have to go back to SI because there's a meeting apparently. Steve watches Pepper and Tony walk a few steps away as they talk a little before they part ways for the day. He sees how Tony smiles at her, how she smiles back, how she touches his arm and fixes his tie, and how they are perfect with eachother.

 

“They look amazing together, don't you think?”

 

He turns to Natasha and she's smiling as she watches the two of them. Steve goes back to watching them and his heart breaks further.

 

“Yes, they do.” He answers.

 

“How great that they found each other.” Natasha adds. “ They fit together, she's so practical and organized, she knows how to control and handle him. He needs that.”

 

Steve looks at her again and wants to tell her no, _no_ , Tony doesn't need to be controlled, his beauty lies in his craziness, in his recklessness. He's most beautiful when he's being himself, creative,his brain making things out of this world, Tony is untamable, he _can't_ be tamed. If you add too much pressure on a diamond, it cracks. But he stays quiet and keeps a straight face, as Pepper and Tony join Natasha and Steve.

 

“So, it was lovely to have you Steve.” Pepper says with a bright smile. “ Tony suggested that you join him at the tailor.”

 

“The tailor..?” Steve raises an eyebrow.

 

“Yes, to get your suit for the wedding sorted.” Tony pipes in, he's scratching the back of his neck and Steve basically _feels_ the nerves radiating from his body but he freezes as the word _wedding_ reaches his ears.

 

“Oh yes, of course.” He nods, his jaw clenched.

 

“It shouldn't be long, really, don't worry.” Pepper says. “Once the measurements are taken and the fabrics sorted , everything should be going pretty fast.”

 

“When is the date again?” Steve asks, because he realizes he doesn't know when the wedding is. Tony never told him, never thought to mention the detail to his bestman.

 

“In a little bit more than 3 months. 15th of August.” Pepper answers, grinning. “Tony didn't want a winter wedding.”

 

Steve nods, registering the information, it's the end of april right now, may is around the corner, which means there's only 3 months for him to enjoy Tony as his bestfriend before he gets tied up to Pepper and he forgets about Steve.

 

“Well, we should go.” Tony speaks up, changing the subject. “ I'll see you at the mansion.” He pops a brief kiss on Pepper's cheek, nods at Natasha and then drags Steve out of the restaurant. He leads Steve to his car, and then immediately starts the engine. Tony drives awfully fast; Steve knows he likes the speed, thrives for it, but this time, it's almost dangerous. Steve has to grip the edge of his seat a couple of times as Tony takes his turns abruptly. When he stops, they're in front of a tall building, in what seems to be a private and luxurious area of New York, one Steve has never been to. He turns to Tony, who's gripping at the wheel as if his life depended on it, his knuckles are white, and his gaze is focused on the building before him.

 

“Tony?” Steve whispers. “ Is everything okay?” He knows the answer, of course he does; everything is most definetely not okay, but Tony's body language is starting to worry him. From the fact that he barely spoke a word at the testing unless spoken to, and from his fast driving, and from this very moment, Steve knows something is wrong.

 

But if says something is, then Tony decides to bury it. “ Let's just get this over with.”

 

Oh. The words hurt Steve, and breaks his heart a little more – if it's still possible at this point. Tony gets out of the car in a hurry and Steve follows him reluctantly, wondering if Pepper forced Tony to take Steve with him. He thinks, if he did want to spend time with him, if he's the one who suggested it, then why is he being so moody? He braces himself for the next couple of hours, as they are meant to be true hell.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, explanations for the future chapters ( that i won't be posting anytime soon since i've got school work to complete in the next few weeks but i'll still be writing.)  
> Look , this story is about cheating. It was always my main arc; sure I love writing about Steve and Tony being bestfriends and being just the perfect pair, but when I chose to start writing , I had this very set idea of " what happens when two people realize they're in love with each other at the worst of times?" . I write my characters as realistically as possible. People are selfish, they have an ego, they are greedy, nothing is ever perfect, not for long anyway. and i really hope that you people who are still reading this understands that.  
> And thank you to anyone who does read this, please come through, I want to talk to you guys, i promise i don't bite ( not hard at least)  
> Anyway, enough rambling, enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think. Love always - Iswa <3

**xlv**. _qualm // an uneasy feeling or pang of conscience as to conduct following actions_

 

Four hours. They spend four hours at the tailor, trying on suits, some so extravagant and crazy-like that even Tony cringes when Monsieur LaPierre shows him. “It's a wedding, not a freak show.” Tony reminds him when the man shows him a suit made out of peacock's feathers. Tony watches Steve as he tries on his own bestman suit. Tony swears he has never look so handsome, dressed up in a baby blue suit, with white trousers and a royal blue shirt. Tony almost wants to jump him when he tries on the black and white embroided suit but he stops himself, thinking about what Steve told him three days ago. And Tony has to take a moment aside to stop himself, stop himself from going up to Steve, his bestfriend, and kiss him and return his words, return his love, because Tony does love him, he so madly does, but it's not possible. He's not meant to be with Steve, not meant to be next to such light, and when he goes back and Steve asks him if he's okay and he blurts out a lie – the usual one, _I'm fine_ – his throat burns but he wishes he could be honest with Steve. He wishes he could tell him the truth, the real truth, that he loves him, that he missed him, that he still misses him. But no, the words stay on his tongue, burning him as they do.

 

Around 6:30 pm, Monsieur LaPierre decides to send them off, whines, literally, that the two men are too complicated and that “je n'ai pas quitté la France pour ça” and Steve laughs, and Tony smiles at the sound, but they finally leave the tailoring studio.

 

They're in the car, and Tony hasn't started the engine yet; he really needs to breathe, calm down for a second. Steve is sitting next to him, silent , not saying a word. Tony sort of wants him to say something but not at the same time. He knows he has to leave Steve, it's probably for the best, he knows the more time they spend together, the more it'll hurt in the end, for both of them.

 

“Why do you think he left France for?” Steve asks after a while.

 

Tony smiles, chuckles, ends up laughing histerically, because of all things, this is what Steve chose to say . He's laughing so hard, he is clutching his stomach.

 

“Probably not to dress people like us.” Tony says. “ But like.. Peacock feathers on a suit? Who wears that?”

 

“People who are all fancy and extra I guess.” Steve answers, laughing a little bit himself.

 

“Fancy and extra?” Tony turns to Steve, and raises an eyebrow. “ Since when do you talk like that?”

 

“Why? You don't like it?” Steve chuckles, wiggling his eyebrows and he's so young then, he looks so much like his younger self. The look they exchange is one of the many they shared as kids and it's so good to see Steve look like this, smiling and teasing.

 

“Oh I love it.” Tony teases right back. “ Wanna get some burgers and fries and a milkshake?”

 

“Pleeease I'm starving.” Steve almost answers immediately.

 

Tony smiles and starts off the car, thinking that maybe, just maybe this won't be too bad.

 

 

By 10 pm , Tony is tipsy, slightly drunk, he's not sure what on anymore, but it surely is a good thing. They're in a little pub, near Madison Square Park, and they're playing music, very good music, a bit of jazz mixed with soft rock and a few people are dancing to the music and Tony's foot is tapping against one of the stool foot. Steve is next to him, listening to him, the blonde man is still on his first drink Tony thinks. They dressed down a little, only kept their shirts and trousers on, their vests and tiein the car. Their conversation has died down for a few minutes, they're just listening to the music. Steve has his face in his hands, turned to the side, he's watching people dancing, and Tony is watching him. His brain is racing and there are a few words on the tip of his tongue. He wants to keep them in, but there are too many, and Tony is too intoxicated to stop them from slipping through.

 

“You're my bestfriend, you know that?”

 

Wait, _what_?

 

“Yeh, I do.” Steve answers, his eyes shift to Tony.

 

“No,, but like..Wait” Tony holds his finger up, trying to collect his thoughts, to make them coherent but it's too much, they're too fast, and there's too much. Tony can't processe anything, he hears the music, and he hears people laughing and it's so loud and it doesn't help. “Come with me.”

 

He takes Steve's hand and jumps off his stool, dragging his bestfriend behind him; Tony sees the sign for the bathroom and goes there. Once there, he takes Steve in with him, and locks the door behind him. The room is not too big, but not too small that there can't be two people standing in. Steve takes his hand out of Tony's, and snaps at him.

 

“What the hell, Tony?” He exclaims, and this is not the reaction Tony hoped for. “ Why would you drag me here?”

 

“I..” _I want to kiss you_. That's what he wants to say. “ Okay, hear me out.. I just.. It was too loud back there, I couldn't think..”

 

“Okay..?” Steve says. “ Why couldn't you think?”

 

Tony looks up at him, and for a second, he forgets all reasonable thoughts, he thinks he's going to kiss Steve, whatever happens, because for once, he wants to do this, he wants to do something he wants. Steve is looking at him with a worried, perplex look, and Tony wants to smooth the line between his brows , it doesnt belong there.

 

“Tony?”

 

That's it, this sets him off, he moves forward, to Steve, pushes him against the wall and Tony reaches for his lips. He presses on them without thinking, he leaves them here, on Steve's lips for a few seconds and then steps away, but not too far. Steve's eyes are searching for his, and Tony sees the little gold and green in Steve's irides. And then it happens, Tony sees it, a shift, he feels it, and it's not just Steve's hands on his shirt, grabbing him, and this time it's Steve kissing him, and Tony doesn't hesitate in returning the kiss. He dives his hands into Steve's hair, pulling on, Steve lets out a moan, and Tony takes that moment to dive his tongue in Steve's mouth. Tony loves this, his brain is sort of sobering up as the kiss goes on. They have to part for air at some point but Tony is not having it, he reaches for Steve's neck and starts leaving open mouthed kisses, he bites and licks and sucks and the sounds coming out of Steve's mouth might just be heaven to him. Tony's hands roam on Steve's body, enjoying the feeling of such muscles under his fingers. One hand goes under Steve's shirt and he hears a little hiss, and Steve's hand stops him, Tony looks up.

 

“What?”

 

“Don't do that.” Tony raises a questioning eyebrow. “ Tight pants.” Tony chuckles at Steve's words, and he lets his hand go down and oh, _oh yes_ , these pants are definetely tight for Steve. The blonde shuts his eyes as Tony touches him. “ _Oh god._ ” He whines, and Tony smirks, knowing this is only because of him, and _only_ him.

 

Tony presses his body even more against his , adding even more pressure and it sends chills down his spine. The pressure is right where he needs it, and he lunges forwards and grabs Steve by the neck, and they kiss again and for a while the room is only moans and whines and hiss sounds and there are warm fingers playing with a waistband and bites on pale skin and it's good, it's so good it hurts. Tony's skin is on fire, and he's worshipping Steve's skin, biting wherever he can reach, wherever his tongue will lead him. His own shirt is open and Steve's hands are wandering on their own and he likes the feeling of his hands on his skin. It feels like he was starving before and now his hunger is finally satisfied – Tony is happy to be of use if need be.

 

Steve's fingers are playing with the hem of his boxers, running softly on his skin, tickling and driving Tony crazy. Tony wants nothing more than to just urge Steve and tell him to just bury his hand in his pants otherwise he might just do it in his pants ; but Steve suddenly stops and Tony stops his biting.

 

“Wait a minute.” The blonde says. “ What are we doing?”

 

Tony steps away and licks his lips, collecting the last bits of Steve he can on them, savouring them. He looks at Steve, and okay, Tony already thinks he's handsome because of course is, he's gorgeous, but right now, with his shirt undone and the buttons of his pants off, his hair disheveled and messy from being pulled on – Tony smirks at that – and god forbid Tony doesn't want to keep tasting him.

 

“What are we doing, Tony?” Steve repeats. “ I am not going to give you a handjob in a dirty bathroom, if I don't know what we're doing.” He continues and Tony sees what Steve means, how he's confused as to why, why this happened , now and not years ago. And Tony tells himself that he could have, he could have happened years ago, had they not been separated.

 

“You were going to give me a handjob?” Tony says, somehow these are the only words he can focus on, and Steve sighs and rolls his eyes. “Sorry, sorry, just.. I wouldn't have stopped you.”

 

“Of course you wouldn't have, you're drunk and my hand was next to your dick.”

 

“I'm not drunk. Haven't been for the last half an hour.” Tony explains. He gets closer to Steve again and takes his jeans in his hands; Steve starts to say something but Tony zips his pants with a sharp move. “ Whatever we're doing..” he buttons Steve's jeans and fastens his belt. “ I like it.” He starts doing the buttons on Steve's shirt, enjoying the sight of the hickeys on his muscular chest. “ I like you. A lot. I just.. _I want you._ ” He gets on his tiptoes and presses his lips against Steve who returns the kiss immediately.

 

“Tony, I.. I am not a toy.”

 

“I know.”

 

“But what about Pepper? What about the..”

 

“What matters is us, Steve.” Tony interrupts him. “No one else. You just be you and I'll deal with the rest.” Steve looks at him and for a minute, that's all there is, two eyes staring into one another, blue in brown and Tony is so at peace in that moment. “ Alright, sweetcheeks?”

 

Steve nods and Tony rubs his nose against Steve's and then places a simple kiss on it. They keep looking at eachother and Steve ends up smiling and Tony does.

 

“Gosh, you look so handsome.” Steve's cheeks flushes and his eyelashes flutter a little and Tony thinks _adorable_ and he smiles even more. He starts butttoning his own shirt and his pants. Once he's done, he turns to Steve. “Come on love, I'll take you home.”

 

“You're not going to drive me home and then pretend to have a car breakdown and stay at my place and then we'll hook up, right?” Steve asks. They're out of the bathroom now, some people turn around and frowns at them, Tony can already see the thoughts in their head. He just ducks his head and takes Steve outside of the pub. He opens his door for him and Steve gets in, he takes a moment to look at him, at his bestfriend, the one he's in love with , and he can't help but smile.

 

“I wouldn't pretend to have a car breakdown. I'd mess up the engine myself if it meant hooking up with you.”

 

Tony winks at Steve and closes the door. He's sure his words made their effect, and now he's joining Steve in the car, sliding into the driver seat.

 

“Can you drive though?” Steve demands.

 

“I could drive on acid, now buckle up, love.”

 

Steve chuckles but does as he's told and soon enough, they're on the road, on their way to his apartment. The drive is silent, Tony is humming a tune he heard back in the pub and he can vaguely hear Steve's fingers taping on the edge of the seat. It's strange somehow, how only hours ago, they were I this same car,with a thick as blood tension between them, and not a single words was exchanged then and how it felt so strange and weird and different to what Tony's used to. And right now, there's no words exchanged between them but it's nice, comforting and there's been a shift in the air. Tony feels it, and he's sure Steve can feel it, it's there, so vibrant and it's pulling at him, at them, Tony is sure of it.

 

He stops the car in front of Steve's building, and Steve turns to him. Tony sees he wants to ask him to come up, to stay, but he can't. He can't because he has to be in SI tomorrow morning at the research lab with Peter and Gwen, and then he has meetings, and if he does go up with Steve, he's afraid he'll never leave.

 

“I'm sorry.” He whispers.

 

“I know.”

 

“You owe me a handjob.”

 

Steve looks away, his cheeks not even turning red but he has a smug smirk playing on his lips. “Not letting that go hun?”

 

“I keep records.” Tony winks at him and Steve chuckles, shaking his head.

 

“You're impossible.”

 

“But you love me.” Steve stops laughing and turns to Tony, his eyes serious and sad, if Tony is reading him right. They don't say another word for a moment, there are cars passing by and Tony can hear a dog bark in the distance, and he's there in the middle, with Steve, and somehow everything else doesn't matter.

 

“Goodnight Tony.”

 

“Goodnight love.” Tony smiles and he watches as Steve leaves him and enters his building, and he stays there , in the car , long after he's gone in, debating whether he should follow him. But he thinks about Pepper, laying alone in their bed, in his penthouse and he hates himself for how selfish he is, keeping Pepper while also being after Steve. Who does that? Only twisted people for sure. He grabs and pulls his hair in frustration, and drives off, not sure if he'll make it to the penthouse, but not sure if he wants to.

 

 

 


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well! If you're done with exams, like me, then hope it went well! If you're not then stay positive and you'll crush them ;)! 
> 
> Here we go with chapter 46, I hope you enjoy them. I sort of put down what the next events are going to be and I think we're going to go for between 65-70 chapters. So, keep up with me, if you're interested in this story, please let me know. I love writing it, and it's my little baby so let me know what you think :) ! 
> 
> Love Always , Iswa :)

**xlvi**. _trap// a position or situation from which it is difficult or impossible to escape_

 

 

“And now we're touching on the parts of the brain that changes and evolves when one is struggling through a mental illness. It's so interesting how your brain, a physical feature of your body, changes because of how you feel things.” Wanda says, stirring her tea.

 

“So wait, you can see someone's brain changing because of a mental illness?” Bucky questions, eyebrow raising questionally.

 

“Yes, we were shown scans in the lecture and it's visible. Well,sort of, if you're not looking then you wouldn't know, but .. it's there.”

 

“That's crazy, Wanda.” Bucky says. “ And those essays you told me about last night? How are they going?”

 

Steve tunes out of the conversation slightly, he stares at his cup of iced coffee, the cold uncomfortable against his palms but he welcomes it , they're sitting next to the window of the little coffee place and the sun is shining right through the window, on them, bathing them in a summer-like heat. Steve looks at his friends, Bucky and Wanda, and smiles. Wanda is beautiful today,she's wearing a light floral dress and a red flowy cardigan and some very pretty shoes. Now Steve doesn't know much about women's fashion, but she looks adorable, a flower blooming in the spring; her hair are let down, wavy brown strand descending all the way down her back, she's smiling as she talks to Bucky – James as she likes to call him. And Bucky is smiling right back at her as he listens to hair. And Steve can't help but think how comfortable these two look rigt now, how much Buck's smile is loose, natural, how the crinkles at the corner of his eyes look good on him, makes him look younger, even more attractive than he already is. You could almost forget the metal arm, shining in the sunlight. His friend is only wearing a t-shirt, because it's hot outside and Bucky doesn't care about what people think of his metal arm; he went to war, fought for this country, he should wear it proudly, and he does. So why does the sight of it makes his chest tighten?

 

“Steve?”

 

The blonde man looks up at his name being called; Bucky and Wanda are both turned to him now, their attention on him. Steve feels embarassed to have missed their conversation. He clears his throat and starts playing with the edge of his glass.

 

“Sorry, hum.. What were you saying?”

 

“Just psychology stuff, but enough about me.” Wanda says. “Nat texted me saying you and Tony tried on suits for the wedding. How did it go?” She adds, before taking a sip from her tea.

 

Steve's heart races at the mention of Tony's name and he hates himself for being so weak at the sound of a word, but it's not just any word, it's Tony's name. And, well, it just means so much to Steve, how could he not be weak at the sound of it?

 

“It went..well.” He stops himself, the memories from that day flowing back in his mind.

 

“Did you try on fancy suits?” Wanda asks, smiling. “ Bet you look dashing in all of them.”

 

Steve smiles at her compliment. “ He made Tony try on a suit with a peacock feathers.”

“Peacock feathers? “ Bucky repeats. “That's... original..”

 

“That's fucking weird.” Wanda exclaims, and her words made all of them chuckle and they all start laughing , and Steve tells them about all the crazy stuff Monsieur LaPierre made them try on.

 

“That sounds like fun. I am sure he still looked amazing in those crazy fancy suits.”

 

Steve wants to say he did, because Tony looks good in anything – and Steve is certain he looks good in nothing , but he's not going there right now.

 

“Have you chosen a suit yet?” Wanda questions.

 

Steve shakes his head. “ It feel sort of weird of me, to just go and get a suit sorted for myself, for something that's going to last one day.”

 

“Well, it's weird for you but.. You're Tony's best man, you have to look amazing.”

 

Steve nods at Wanda's words. They keep talking about the wedding a bit more, and then talk about Bucky's projects. Steve smiles as he listens to Bucky talk about how he's going to teach self-defense class to young people and talk to a group of veterans who deal with PTSD.

 

“This is amazing, James.” Wanda smiles and squeezes his arm. He smiles at her and Steve feels a little jealous of the connection they have, he can see how close they are, how they understand each other with just one look, how they can feel what the other is feeling with just one look or one touch. Steve thinks it's interesting how he has this connection with her, even though he's with Nat. Is it love? The typical bestfriend kind of love? Is that how you're supposed to love your bestfriend?

 

“You should come.” Bucky turns to him, and Steve almost forgets what they were talking about and he remembersthe veterans and the self-defence class and oh.

 

“Oh the class sounds fun.” He says, and he doesn't know why he sounds so hesitant, because he does want to go, but then.. would he be at ease? “I'll try to come.”

 

“To the talk as well. It's a very relaxed setting, and Sam is going to be there as well, and it's nice to meet new people you know.”

 

Steve looks at Bucky, and he sees concern in Bucky's eyes, which he's not sure why is there, and he wants to reassure Bucky that he's okay. Because he is. He's fine, _everything is fine_.

 

“I'll try to come.” Steve repeats, because really it's all he can do. Bucky smiles at his words, but Steve feels it's uneasy about the topic, he can feel his palms turning sweaty, and not because of the sot slowly burning his fair skin. Clearing his throat , he turns to Wanda. “ By the way, Wanda, when is your graduation?”

 

“Mid-June.” Wanda answers with a grin. “ I can't wait. Eventhough I am sad that I am not going to see my friends for a while.”

 

“But we have the roadtrip, remember?” James adds, putting his hand on her thigh and squeezing it.

 

“What roadtrip?” Steve asks , before taking a sip of his drink.

 

“James is taking me to Anchorage after my graduation.”

 

“Anchorage? That's .. a very long way from home.”

 

“I was supposed to go with my brother. As kids, we always talked about going there, you know. The cold, nature.. The quiet.” Wanda's eyes turn dark as she speaks and it saddens Steve to see her hurt at the thought of her brother.

 

“Well I'm sure that he's very proud that you're going there.” Steve whispers, reaching out for her hand across the table. She smiles at him and eventhough it's a sad one, it's still a smile and Steve will take it.

 

 

Later that day, when he's home, making a new recipe Laura taught him – some pasta dish she insisted he tried and ended up loving – his phone rings. He quickly wipes his hand and picks it tup, not bothering to look who the caller is.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Please, distract me.” Tony says, and Steve can hear it echo on the other side and it's a little strained and Steve frowns at the sound of it.

 

“What's wrong?” He asks as he lowers the heat on his stove.

 

“Just.. Company stuff. And wedding stuff.” Tony answers, letting out a sigh after each couple of words. “Stuff I couldn't be bothered to care about.”

 

“Hey, it'll be alright, everything is going to be fine.” Steve says, trying to make his voice as reassuring as possible. “ You'll sort it out, you always do. You're Tony Stark. ”

 

“Well sometimes, I wish I wasn't.” The words leave Steve speechless for a good minute and he's not sure what to say to that. When he doesn't answer, Tony clears his throat and changes the topic. “ Anyway, did I disturb you or anything?”

 

“No no, I was just making food.”

 

“Oh really? What are you making?” Tony questions, a bit of playfulness in his voice.

 

“Some pasta, with some vegetables broth.” Steve answers as he checks on the vegetables.

 

“ _Pasta e fagioli_?”

 

“How'd you know?”

 

“I had it once in Italy. It's really good. I bet yours is.”

 

“I wouldn't though. I am only testing, and the vegetables look like they could use a better cook.”

 

“Haha , oh come on love, I'm sure they don't.”

 

“That's because you don't see them. I might have to text Laura to find out what I'm doing wrong.” Tony chuckles lightly and it echoes again and Steve can't help himself but ask. “Where are you? Your voice echoes.”

 

“In the SI public bathroom. I had to go into hiding, otherwise someone was going to fly out of one of those windows and it wouldn't be me.”

 

“One of your workers?”

 

“Obadiah. Sometimes I don't understand how he and my father were partners.”

 

“Only sometimes?”

 

“He has his moments of kindness.” Tony retorts and Steve rolls his eyes at his bestfriend's naiveness. “ But yeh, today, he's a pain.”

 

“Aren't they looking for you though?”

 

“They might. But I just needed to breathe for a couple of minutes.”

 

“But you called me.”

 

“ _And_ I called you.” Tony corrects. Steve can hear the little smile on Tony's lips. He almost wants to kiss it away. “God, I just wish..”

 

“You wish?” Steve repeats Tony's words, waiting for his next words but the silence fills the space around him and he can hear Tony's breathing on the other day. He listens to it for the next minute before Tony speaks again.

 

“I wish we had never been separated.” Tony sighs. “ I wish.. we could have just ..never been apart in the first place. ”

 

The words hit Steve like a brick on his chest, and he quickly reaches to pinch the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes to stop himself from crying. He wants to say so much, but he can't, not now, not while Tony is still engaged to Pepper. Not while he still belongs to someone else.

 

“You should go back.” Steve says instead. “ They're probably looking for you.” It hurts him to say this, he doesn't want to hang up, he doesn't want to stop talking to Tony.

 

“But I'll talk to you later, right?” Tony sounds so hopeful that Steve feels even worse for dismissing him like that, but he takes a deep breath and tells Tony that they will. “Alright, then talk to you later love.”

 

The petname warms Steve's heart and he smiles as he answers. “ Talk to you later.” He ends the call before Tony can say anything. He lets his phone drop on the counter and lets out a long breath. He stares at his phone, and shakes his head. Memories from the pub comes flashing and he curses himself.

 

“What on earth are you doing Steve..”

 

And really, that's all he could think of. _What on earth is he doing_.

 


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go with chapter 47, a little delayed but chapter 48 should arrive tonight for sure!   
> Just to let you know, I'll write the next chapters after chap 48 but won't upload them as soon as they're done. I'll upload them altogether as to make up for all the times where you guys didn't have chapters! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone still reading and reviewing this story it means an awful lot to me, I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

**xlvii**. c _ontrition // sincere penitence, or remorse_

 

Tony rolls his eyes for the billionth time in the last couple of hours, letting out a long sigh. He looks away from Pepper's face who's trying to silently tell him to focus on the meeting, but he looks away, and tunes out of the conversation. He almost wants to start texting Steve – he can't really go to the bathroom anymore, he's already gotten weird looks for his 30 minutes break but hell, who cares. Not him.- but Rhodey is just behind him and he might see what he's typing so not taking any chance. It feels weird to keep secrets from Rhodey; the man is practically his brother. He almost wants to turn around and tell him about what happened wih Steve, because hell, he does feel the need to talk about it with someone, he needs to express all he's been feeling since that night – _love, love, love, positive and radiant love_ – but he can't , he can't say a damn word, and somehow he doesn't want to, he wants to keep all the details and memories to himself. He wants to keep the taste of Steve's lips, the scent hiding in the crook of his neck, the little dip between his hipbone and his thigh where his thumb fit perfectly, the feeling of his blonde hair as he pulled and pulled, the sound of his moans as he kept kissing, biting, licking... No, he won't say a thing, he'll keep it to himself.

 

He rubs his sweaty hands on his pants and the feeling of the silver band brings him back to reality. The true, cold, harsh reality. The one where he's engaged, to the wonderful woman, who's sitting across the table from him as she listens to the man making his presentation. And Tony should probably listen to. He should, because it's his company and its future but at the end of the day, he knows he won't approve of the project. It's not going in the direction he wants to move his company towards, and he won't make any compromises. He almost wants to cut the man mid-sentence and tell him to quit the act and go home, but that'd be rude, and he knows what is like to have his ideas not listened – thanks Howard and his A+ parenting. Tony would rather much be in the lab, working with little Peter and little Gwen; these kids are wonderfully clever, and Tony is always amazed of how quick these two find solutions to problems Tony is, on purpose, putting in their way. But they never stopsearching and Tony plans to reward them by the end of the month. Offering them, permanent internship for SI in the summer and part-time when school starts. He rolls his eyes when he thinks that such talent are being confined between four walls and limited to schoolwork. But hey, some people are less fortunate.

 

“So, Mister Stark. What do you think?” The man says and it brings Tony back to the situation.

 

He leans back a little bit in his chair and stares openly at the man before speaking. “ Your project is nice and I am sure many companies will want it. But not us.”

 

Heads turn to eachother and the man – Tony can't remember his name, was it John? Brandon? Landon? Something ending with -ohn, but oh well – expresses clear disappointment on his face.

 

“But Mister Stark..”

 

“You see, I am seeing new things for my company, a new vision. I want to launch it somewhere nobody has even dreamed of. And your project, as good as it is I am sure, won't do that for my company. My assistant will make sure to give you a list of companies you could present your project to though.”

 

With that, he rises and walks towards the door, and out he is. He walks down the hallway, to the elevator, not bothering to look behind him as he knows, people are probably pestering and cursing him right now. But he does _not_ care right now, he only wants to leave and go anywhere else. The elevator door opens and he steps inside and finally takes a deep breath. His heart is beating so fast in his chest, it might explode, and sometimes he wonders if he doesn't have a condition, wonders if he should get it checked but no, _no_ , it's just stress. It's the company and the wedding. Gosh, _this stupid wedding,_ Tony hates to even think about it, he hates that it's even a thing. It should have never been a thing in the first place. And Tony hates himself because it's partially his fault that it's happening right? _He_ proposed to Pepper, _he_ asked her out in the first place.. Leaning against the cold metal surface, he wonders how his life would have turned out had Steve not enrolled in the military. Would they have stayed together? Would they have stayed brothers and _just brothers_? Tony knows he's always loved Steve, has loved him ever since he sat outside his bedroom, waiting for permission to go in. Tony remembers his big blue eyes, and his thin figure, and his sandy blond hair. The elevator door opens, and Tony sighs, before stepping out. He walks directly into the lab, and greets his two protégés.

 

“Hello kids, have some good news for your old man?” He playfully jokes and Gwen and Peter both chuckle before showing him reports. He's highly impressed by them, a little bit more each day and Tony is happy he chose them. “Good job, kids, now let's get down to business shall we?” he takes off his blazer jacket, take off his tie and rolls up his sleeves. _Finally_ , he's in his element.

 

 

Much much later, when he gets home, the mansion is silent, all the lights are turned off and he's relieved, knowing Pepper is probably already asleep so he won't have to deal with her. He goes upstairs and quickly takes a shower, the warm water soothing his aching muscles. He stays in the bathroom a little longer, taking the time to unwind, breathe. He knows the second he steps out of there, the reality will hit him again and he's not ready. Someone will be laying in his bed and not the one he wants and he's not sure he can deal with it. When he does leave the bathroom, and goes into the connected bedroom, he sees Pepper's figure under the sheets. He almost wants to run, leave, go as far away as he can. But instead, he settles on the bed, not bothering to slip under his sheets, or even cover himself with a duvet, he usually loves them but right now not even a duvet could bring peace to his mind. He closes his eyes, trying hard to fall asleep right away but he can feel Pepper's body shifting next to him and he's silently praying that she doesn't reach over for him.

But well. God was never on his side it seems.

 

“Hey you..”

 

Pepper's hand is on his back, slowly making her way to his front. Tony wonders if she can feel how he tenses at her touch, how it feels unwelcome against his skin. It feels so different compared to Steve's touch. Sweet, light, incredible Steve's touch. A touch that sets fire ablaze inside of him, a touch that sent his heart and soul into heaven. But he's engaged to Pepper, he's meant to marry her in a few months, so why does her touch feel like ice?

 

“'ve missed you..” Pepper is now closer to him, her lips dropping kisses against his shoulder. She's trying to get him to turn around but Tony nudges her hand away.

 

“Not tonight. I'm tired.”

 

“Come on, just a quick one..”

 

“Pepper, stop..”

 

"Come on, it's been a long time.”

 

She tries to get him on his back, but Tony tries to push her away.

 

“Pepper, stop! Just stop!” He screams, shoving her away. She finally backs away, looks at him confused, then, anger.

 

“What the fuck Tony!” She snaps at him and Tony sighs, exasperated. “Since when are you one to say no to sex?”

 

“I am just not in the mood tonight.” Tony says, rather harshly. He sits up, on the edge of the bed, and waits for _it_.

 

“Not in the mood.” Pepper repeats. “Not in the mo- what the actual fuck Tony? Since when do you stop someone from playing with your dick?” That's _it_. There it is, the blow. 

 

“When I don't fucking want to.” Tony answers, getting up.

 

“Where on earth do you think you're going?” Tony doesn't even turn around to answer. “ Tony, look at me!” He stops in his track, stops from opening the door and leaving. He turns towards her, his eyes to her, his hand still on the doorknob.

 

“What? Wanna talk to me into it?”

 

“I don't even recognize you, Tony. It's like.. you're gone.” She says, and he sees her heart break , he can almost hear it. But his heart broke a long time ago, when he was just sixteen and blonde hair and blue eyes filled his dreams.

 

He doesn't answer her, just turns around and leaves the room. His brain is a mess, thoughts running, spiraling, making him dizzy. He arrives to his workshop, locks himself. He grabs his hair in frustration, his breath more frantic by the minute. He needs to breathe, he needs to..

 

 

 

“Tony?” Steve says, rubbing his sleepy eyes as he opens the door. “What are you doing here, it's 2 a.m..”

 

Tony doesn't know, he doesn't know himself why he's standing on Steve's doorstep at 2 a.m, when only moments before, his fiancé tried to force him into having sex. He doesn't know why he launches himself onto Steve, why he wants to lose himself into the kiss and forget everything that's outside, everything that is not Steve and him. He lets his hands roam on Steve's half naked body – god, has he always been this hot? _Of course_ he has – and Steve responds to the kiss rather positively, grabbing Tony's hips, possibly leaving bruises but who cares. He hears the distant sound of the door closing and he gets pressed against it, Tony pulling Steve's body closer to his, closer than they already are, he pulls, tugs on Steve's hair, bites on his bottom lip because he needs, craves him.

 

“Ouch.” Steve moans, licking his bottom lip.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“No, you're not.” Steve says, a grin slowly appearing before he kisses Tony again,more dominant, more controlling, more demanding than Tony has ever seen him.

 

Somehow they make it to the bedroom, on the bed, and Tony would lie if he said Steve's touch on his skin is not the best thing ever. It's divine, as if Steve's fingers spread ichor inside him and he's on the verge of losing his mind.

 

“God, I've missed you..” It's funny how the words, those same words Pepper told him, means something else completely to him. 

 

“You're only saying that 'cause my hand is on your dick again.”

 

There's a slight chuckle at the end of Steve's voice and Tony moans as Steve then bites into his flesh, and then licks and _god_ , he should be illegal, but Tony stops him, grabs his shoulders. He brings him up to his face, to his lips, and Tony can taste a bit of blood on his tongue and he moans when Steve touches him there again. He breaks the kiss, and looks him into his eyes. He looks at them for a while, brown in blue and they're a gift to this earth and Tony likes to think they're only for him to be drown in, only his, his and his only.

 

“What is it?”

 

“You're more than that, you know..”

 

He can't quite explain what he desperately wants to say, his brain is not yet caught up on the forming words stage, not when Steve is this close to him, not when his lips are on his skin, not when his brain is clouded with blonde hair and kisses and bites and moans.

 

“Am I now..”

 

Steve dives into Tony's neck, and stays there for a while, and worships, marks Tony as his own. Tony is long gone by the time he's done, but then one kiss and they start again. And the rest of the night, they worship eachother, going places they never thought, places they shouldn't go, but they can't stop, won't stop, not when the touch of eachother brings fire to their souls. They only stop when their bodies are on the verge of giving up, tired from worshipping and owning, but they stay together, tangled in sheets, fingers tracing maps on bare skin.

 

“Want to tell me why your barged in my apartmant at 2 am?”

 

“You only care now..” Tony chuckles and runs his fingers through Steve's hair, who smiles at the touch and Tony's hearts warms at the sight.

 

“I was distracted.”

 

“Sorry to hear that..”

 

“Are you?” Steve asks, and there's no more smile, no more little smile. “Are you sorry?”

 

And suddenly it's not about barging into his apartment in the middle of the night, it's about them, about what they did – _love_ , endless times – , about what they're doing – _cheating_ , it's settled. And Tony is not. He's not sorry for spending the night with Steve, making love to Steve, loving Steve. He's sorry he broke a promise that should have never been made in the first place, he's sorry he and Steve couldn't be together sooner.

 

But he can't, he can't say that to Steve; can't bring himself to say those words. They mean too much and not enough at the same time, and Tony isn't sure of what the future holds for the both of them. Right now, he just wants to stay in Steve's embrace, leans into his safe touch, and forget about the world. So he scoots closer to his lover, places a soft, innocent kiss to his lips, and whispers a simple _no_ against Steve's lips. Steve's hand settles in the slope of his hips while Tony traces shapes on his toned chest. And for a while, it's all good and perfect and nothing can hurt them.

 


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 48 for you loves!Thank you to everyone still reading this, and thank you to everyone commenting the last chapters! Hope you enjoy, we're touching down into Steve's mental health a bit more because, nope, I haven't forgotten about that, and it's a big part of the story and why Steve is acting the way he is! So yeh, enjoy this one, remember that the next few chapters won't come as soon as they're finished, but they'll come shortly, I hope you all understand!   
> Happy reading !  
> Love always, Iswa :)

**xlviii**. _masquerade //_ _an_ _attempt_ _to deceive people about the true nature or_ _identity_ _of something_.

 

And for a while, everything is good, and nothing can hurt them. They go on for days, weeks like this. They meet whenever they can, spend days and nights loving eachother, tangled in a mess of sheets, hiding between the sunset and dawn. Steve has memorized Tony's body by heart by now, knows every inch of skin laid before him, knows what makes him moan and whimper and hiss and catch his breath, what makes him go wild, what undoes him. He takes pride in watching Tony becoming undone, and knowing it's his doing. And pride knowing Tony spends most of his night with him, comes back to him at the end of the day. He sometimes thinks about Pepper, wonders if she ever asks where he spends most of his nights, where he always goes off. He wonders sometimes if she notices how many of Tony's shirts have gone missing – they always find their way on Steve's floor, crumbled, forgotten by morning. He knows she's calling Tony, he sees the number of calls and texts from her on Tony's phone, he sees how Tony's shoulders tense whenever he sees them, and Steve wishes he could do something. But what, what could he possibly do? Nothing, there's nothing he can do but he's being selfish, he's only keeping Tony with him every chance he gets because he wants to, not caring about the consequences, not caring about what's coming next.

 

 

He's having lunch with Nat, Bucky and Wanda have left a bit earlier on their roadtrip – Wanda sends him pictures on his phone every now and then, and Steve's heart warms at the sight of her smile in each pictures – having left days ago. He's been hanging out with Nat a few times, she misses Bucky, he can see that even though she's trying hard to; and he needs to get out of his apartment otherwise he'd go mad.

 

They're at a small music festival today, soft jazz music is playing in the background, as they sit in the grass; it's a lovely sunny day and Nat is softly humming to the song, her red hair flowing in the wind. Steve likes her hair, it looks even more red in the sun, and right now, with her bare, make up free face, she looks so soft, so pure, and Steve likes that look on her. He mentally photographes her so he can draw her later.

 

“Hey, so don't know if you heard, but there's going to be a late birthday party for Tony, and I was thinking of bringing you as my date.”

 

Steve turns towars her, eyebrows raised; it's true that Tony's birthday was last week, and the man didn't want to do anything special, barely acknowledged it, just kissed Steve and talked about their new researchs and what they had just found. Because they do talk, they don't just have sex, no, sometimes they don't even at all, they just lay in bed, or eat together and talk about their day, and it's those moments that Steve find even more intimate, because Tony is sharing them with him, and not Pepper, he's relaxing, unwinding from reality with him, and not Pepper.

 

“So, what do you say?”

 

His attention is brought back to Natasha and he clears his throat. “Yeh sure, I'll go with you.”

 

“Sweet.” She cheers and she bumps into his shoulder playfully. “ It's nothing formal so you don't have to a fancy suit, though us ladies won't mind if you decide to show up in one.” She winks at him and he laughs.

 

“I'll remember that.” Steve says, a playful grin on his lips, and she laughs with him and for a second he wants to tell her everything, that he's not interested in women pining over him or flirting with him. He wants to tell her that if a woman was to flirt with him right now, he would kindly dismiss her and go on with his life. But he can't. Because technically he's not taken, he doesn't belong to anyone , he's technically single, eventhough his thoughts only echo one name.

 

Natasha and him stay there, listening to other music groups; Natasha takes some polaroid pictures as well; Steve recognizes as a similar one to Wanda's, he guesses the two bought a pair for themselves. She takes pictures of him as well, and when Steve bashfully looks away, she says that they don't have any picture of him when he's not in uniform. Somehow, the words make him freeze in place and he only moves again when the red head shows him his picture.

 

“Bucky told me you would try to come to one of the talks.” She says, her voice very low, and if she hadn't been that close to him, he probably wouldn't have heard her – he would have, but he would have pretended he hadn't.

 

“I said I'd try.” He answers, pulling on grass. Natasha only humms , but Steve can see that she wants to say something. “What is it?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Nat..”

 

“It's just..” She starts with a smile. “ I can see why you and Tony are bestfriends. When you have a problem, you run away from it.”

 

“I don't have a problem..?” Steve raises an eyebrow at her and she tilts her head to the side, a small sad smile appearing.

 

“Steve.. I know it's hard to accept it but your behavior shows-”

 

“I am fine, Nat. I really am.” And he is. _He truly is_. He's not entirely sure of what she means, but she's wrong, because he is fine.

 

“Steve, you had attacks, panic attacks where you tried to hurt people.” She keeps pushing, and Steve is biting the inside of his cheeks, trying not to snap at her and leave. “You never went to see the therapist the army adviced you to..”

 

“What? What are you talking about? I didn't have attacks! And no one in service ever told me to go to a therapist! Why are you lying?” He retorts, his fists clench at his sides but he does his best not to outburst with so many people around them. And because he's Natasha, his friend.

 

She sighs and looks away. “ Fine, whatever you say.” She puts her hand on his knee and gives it a little squeeze before smiling at him. “Want to get some ice cream?”

 

Steve lets out a little sigh and nods, happy to relieve the tension in the air between them. He gets up and he helps her up, and they head to a little icecream van, and get vanilla and strawberry – Nat takes picture of their ice cream and one of Steve smiling after his first lick and it's all good.

 

 

“So Nat told me about this birthday party..”

 

Tony looks up at him, he's laying on his stomach, typing away on his tablet while Steve is going through some papers, sitting on the floor. He's trying to find any document that the army gave him when he got discharged after his third and last tour.

 

“She did?” Tony says and he meets Steve's eyes and something flicks inside Tony's and Steve frowns, not knowing what to make of it. He had waited for Tony to speak about it, but he hadn't so Steve thought he should.

 

“She asked me to be her date, since Bucky is not in town and I said yes.”

 

“Oh.” Tony turns around, focusing back on his tablet.

 

 _Oh_. That's all Tony says and Steve's blood starts boiling inside of him at Tony's inertia. Really? _Oh_? Is that really all he has to say? Steve thinks. But maybe he doesn't care if Steve comes, maybe he doesn't care that he's going as someone else's date. Maybe he doesn't care about Steve really.

 

“Do you want me not to come?” Steve dares to ask, his eyes fixated on Tony's skull. He waits for Tony to answer him, will keep pushing if he doesn't, because he needs to know. He has to.

 

“Well, you're made up your mind right? You're going with her. There's nothing I can say.”

 

Tony's voice is calm, poised, and somehow it angers Steve even more, how he just doesn't react. But Steve knows, he does now. He doesn't mean shit to Tony, the brunette doesn't care if Steve goes with Natasha or if he even comes at all. Full of anger, he gets up on his feets, leaving his files and walks out of the room. He goes into the living room, picking a book up, and plops down on the bench seat near his window. He doesn't even read the words on the page, no, he just angrily stares at them. After a while, Tony joins him and Steve doesn't even look at him, doesn't look in his direction.

 

“Steve?”

 

Steve doesn't answer, he just keeps his eyes straight on the page in front of him.

 

“Okay.. I think I should go..”

 

Steve's eyes look up at the words, looks up at Tony, and the man is staring at him, waiting. Steve knows what he's waiting for, or at least he thinks he knows. Tony is waiting for him to ask him to stay, Tony is waiting for him to get up, kiss him and bring him back to bed. But Steve won't, Steve is not going to.

 

“Yeh, maybe you should.” Steve goes back to staring at his book. “ An early night won't do you wrong.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Tony retorts.

 

Steve sighs and looks up again. “ Well, that's what you do right? You go to work then come here for some fun, and then you leave.”

 

“Is that what you think we're doing? We're just.. having some fun?” Tony's voice is raising and Steve is getting more furious by the minute.

 

“Well clearly it's nothing more to you.” Steve snaps back. “ So you go ahead, and get back to your fiancé. I'm sure she'll appreciate your head between her thighs tonight.”

 

Steve spits his words out like they're venom and he sees how Tony is taken aback by his violent words. He can hear Tony mumbling something but he's not quite sure what it is, but it's too late to ask now. Tony is leaving, and Steve can sense him stopping at the door, almost turning aroung, but he doesn't, and nor does Steve. There's pride on both sides and none of the two men is ready to make the first amend.

 

 

“If I wasn't already in love with your bestfriend, I would certainly hit on you.” Natasha says as she fixes the last detail of his suit. It's nothing really fancy, there's no peacock feathers or crazy gold or silver embroidment. It's black jacket and pants and a white shirt, no tie because it's a relaxed party Nat said, and he doesn't feel like wearing one really. He chuckles at her words and returns to the compliments.

 

“If you weren't in love with my bestfriend, I'd probably hit on you too.” He says and she raises an eyebrow at him, and chuckles too. She looks lovely tonight, a beautiful tight dress that goes just below her knee and some high heels. Her hair are curled to perfect, and she's wearing just thr right amount of makeup. She's gorgeous.

 

“Why, thank you. Just promise me you won't leave me all alone if someone decides to take you home tonight.”

 

“I doubt that'll happen.”

 

“Oh boy, that's because you don't know who's at this party. The women are going to be all over you.”

 

Steve smiles but really, he's nervous. It's been a few days since he's seen Tony and now he's on his way to his house, to celebrate his birthday with people he doesn't know. His heart is racing inside his chest, threatening to explode at any moment. But he keeps a straight face, he remembers his mother's words. _Don't let them know, Steven, whatever is afflicting you, don't ever let people know, or they'll use it against you._ They resonate through him at this instant, and he takes a deep breath before turning to Nat, all ready to go.

 

When they arrive, there are already people and Natasha is greeted by many people, that Steve barely acknowledges, his eyes scan the room, he's trying to be discreet, smiling and nodding when someone introduces themselves but he can't help himself looking for Tony. His date stops him though and brings him towards the bar and orders a couple of drinks for them. Steve is still searching through the room when a voice makes him turn around. And he regrets it instantly.

 

“Steve Rogers!” Obadiah Stane's loud voice is like a brick on the back of his skull. The man approaches him, a drink in one hand, a cigar in the other. “I could spot your blonde hair anywhere.”

 

“Would you now?” Steve almost snaps at him; his hatred towards the man is at bay, ready to be unleashed.

 

Stane only grins at him,he doesn't even greet Natasha, who's still by Steve's side, just slightly behind him but Steve feels her body heat very close to him. The bald man downs his glass and slams it on the glass counter, ordering “ Another one.” harshly to the bartender. “So.. Steven, what brings you here?”

 

“It's Tony's birthday party. Last time I checked, we're still friends.” Steve answers calmly.

 

“And he's my date.” Natasha adds, stepping forward.

 

“Is that so?” Obadiah smirks. “Well, maybe you'll make Tony see reason about this deal..”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just business stuff, you wouldn't get it. But if you could talk to him and make him understand that it's important for the company that -”

 

“I believe,” Steve interrupts, “that Tony is still the owner of the company, his name is still on the building, right? So as long as that remains true, he's the one to make the final decision. What I, or anyone else, could say doesn't matter. Because now, if you truly did know Tony, you'd know he never plays by anyone's rules.” He pronounces every word with animosity and he makes sure Stane can hear it.

 

The man only stares at him, before slowly bringing his cigar to his lips and taking a long drag. Before he knows it, Steve is surrounded by smoke, and he shakes his head, and for a second, he thinks he can hear cries in the distance, and he has a weird dry sensation in his mouth and throat – _sand_ – and he steps away from Stane, trying to regain a proper breathing.

 

“I've read about you, _Captain_. Wonderful things you've done on the front. Saved many of our soldiers from imminent death. Now you come back here, unchanged and flaunting yourself around.”

 

“I am not flaunting anything around. And for the record, nothing that happened on the front was wonderful.” Steve retorts, he feels Natasha's hand on his arm, a gentle pression grounding him.

 

Stane smirks at him, and Steve still has trouble breathing properly. “With a temper like that, how on earth did you become a Captain?”

 

“With the bravery and loyalty it requires, of course.”

 

A tall black man appears from behind Stane and Steve sees his eyes of defiance towards Stane. The black man appears and adresses Stane.

 

“I think Mister Williams is looking for you.”

 

“Oh John! Where is this old chap!” Stane goes off, waving his cigar and his glass in search of this John and Steve is glad the man is finally gone. He feels a bit uneasy but he mentally holds on to Nat's hand on his arm. He looks at her and he tries to smile but it's probably more a grimace than anything really. She squeezes his arm gently, and he's glad she's here right now.

 

“I'd like to apologize on his behalf. He's .. a lot to deal with.”

 

“You don't have to apologize for behaviors you do not support, James.” Natasha answers him.

 

“True. Please, I'm being rude, I believe we haven't met, my name is James Rhodes.”

 

“Steve Rogers.” The men shake hands and James narrows his eyes at him.

 

“So you're the one, huh?” When Steve raises an eyebrow at him, he continues. “ The famous childhood bestfriend who left at 17 to enroll in the army. Tony told me a lot about you.”

 

“He did?” Steve asks, wondering how much does this man know and how exactly does he know Tony.

 

“Yes, ever since you came back in his life, he's been better at things, I think. I do have some shares in his companies, as a military liaison and we're good friends, and I've seen his behavior change for the past month.. ever since _you_ came back..”

 

Steve definetely has trouble breathing now but he keeps his straight face on, and shrugs nonchalantly. “I'm not sure I can take all the credit.” He chuckles a little bit, and James does as well, but it's just as fake as Steve's.

 

“But any news on the contract, James?” Natasha swiftly changes the subject.

 

Steve enjoys the change of topic, as he can focus on regaining a proper breathing, he really thinks there is still smoke stuck in his lungs, and he excuses himself to go and get some air. He can feel his heart racing, as memories come back flashing before his eyes, as his palms start to itch. He finds an open door-window, leading to the patio area. Steve steps outside and he's glad there's only a few people there, so attention is not drawn to him. He leans over the glass rail and closes his eyes, pushing away the sand, the smoke and the darkness, and the blood, and Bucky's arm lying ten feet away from him. His fingers grab the end, tighting around the cold metal, his knuckles turning white under the pressure.

 

On an impulse , he pats his pockets and grabs his phone, and pressing only once, before bringing it to his ears. Steve bites the inside of his cheeks as he impatiently waits. One ringtone. Two ringtones. Three ringtones.

 

“Please pick up, please pick up, pick up..”

 

Five ringtones. Six ri-

 

“Steve?”

 

Steve almost cries at the end of Bucky's voice, almost lets the tear on the edge of his eye fall.

 

“Hey Buck..” He says instead, trying to make his voice the most steady he can. “Just checking in if you guys were alright.”

 

“Aaw, you little sap. We just arrived in Seattle and we're going to grab a bite.” Bucky explains. Steve can hear shuffling in the background. “ Aren't you at that thing with Nat though?”

 

“Hum, yeh but I stepped outside for a moment.” Steve throws a glance at the inside of the room, and he sees Natasha and James deep in conversation. “ There's a lot of people and I felt suffocated..”

 

“Hey, it's alright to have anxiety with that sort of thing. There's nothing wrong with that.” Bucky's words soothe him a little and Steve smiles a little.

 

“Thanks Bucky.” A pause, before he adds. “ Really, thank you.”

 

“Thank _you_ , Steve.” Steve can almost hear his smile and he does cry this time, because god, he misses him. “Now go and enjoy yourself, okay? And take care of my girl, alright? I don't want to come back and find out she's engaged to someone else.”

 

Steve chuckles and shakes his head, laughing at how silly his bestfriend can be. “I will. Take care of yourselves too.”

 

“We will. Promise.”

 

“Okay then, enjoy Seattle, send me pictures! Take care.”

 

“You too, buddy.”

 

“Bye Steve, love you!!” He hears Wanda screaming in the back and he laughs whole-heartedly and god, how he misses them.

 

“Love you too!” He says before he hangs up, a smile playing on his lips and he looks up, at the clear sky, at the few stars he can spot, and he mentally thanks God and whatever spiritual force is out there for Bucky and Wanda and Sam and Natasha Clint and his family. He thanks the Lord that he's able to have those people in his life. People he loves and who loves him back.

 

“Want to run away yet?”

 

He almost jumps at the voice, one he recognizes immediately, and turns around. Tony is standing there, his hand in his pockets, looking at him with troubled eyes, and Steve takes in the fact that his hair looks much shorter, carefully styled. He still looks good, obviously, he's Tony Stark, he's a prince and an heir, but Steve misses the soft look his fluffy, curly hair gave him. Tony takes the steps between them, crosses the space left, before standing next to him.

 

“It's good to see you.” Tony whispers, his eyes set on the immensity of the garden in front of him, and Steve can't help but keep his eyes on the brunette.

 

And Steve feels like all the tension, every single nerve in his body is finally being released of the strain of them at the sight of Tony, at the sound of his voice. And it's bad, oh it's so bad, he feels like he's falling down the rabbit hole, spinning, spiraling down with nothing to hold on. The rush of the fall is making his head spin but then Tony is flashing his big brown eyes at him, and it's a moment of clarity, and Steve thinks fuck, he's in love and nothing can be done and he's falling, losing himself into the wonderland that Tony Stark is, and life has never been worse, and never better.

 

“It is good to see you too.” And that's all he can say, because he's too in love to think straight really, and when Tony smiles, grins at him like a Cheshire Cat, Steve almost wants to reach for him and kiss him but stops himself and just smiles back and mentally thanks the Lord for Tony too. 

 


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter :) 50th is coming in a couple of hours :)

**xlix**. _admire// to regard with wonder, pleasure, or approval._

 

 

Is watching someone from afar without them knowing creepy? Tony doesn't want to be creepy, he doesn't, because it's not creepy, right? Staring is creepy, but he's not staring, not really, he's just .. admiring, taking Steve in, enjoying these little sneaky moments. He's on the top of stairs , hiding between the shadows of the wall and no one has noticed he's there yet, he's being watching the crowd for quite a while, just registering everyone's face – deciding who he'll talk to and who he'll gently avoid – and when Steve came in, with Natasha , Tony literally had to restrain himself from running down the stairs and kiss him right then and there because _holy crap_ , the man looks gorgeous in that suit. But he doesn't go down the stairs, no, not quite yet, he keeps staring for a while. Steve seems to be scanning the room, looking for someone. Tony wonders if he's looking for him, god he hopes he's looking for him, he really hopes Steve is here to see him – because Tony really wanted to see him tonight. They haven't seen each other in three days, sixteen hours, forty-minutes and thirty seconds – but he's not counting.

He sees Stane approaching, and Tony hates the look on Stane's face, hates that fake smile, fake happy-to-see-you, fake-everything demeanor of his. He clearly sees the tension in Steve's body, even from where he is standing, and he wishes he could go there and smooth it out, calm him. And maybe .. maybe he should. Maybe he should go there, and he does, he lets his feet guide him down the stairs, to Steve, to calm him, to see him, to touch him, but he's halfway down when Rhodey steps in and Tony stops in his tracks. Rhodey seems to have the effect Tony hoped and he mentally makes a note to thank his bestfriend later when he sees Stane going away. The weight lifted off his shoulders, he continues to come down the stairs, making his way to Steve. But, _wait._ Tony almost screams at Steve, almost reaches out to him, telling him not to go outside because he needs to talk to him, to see him, to feel him being actually there. When he reaches the end of the stairs, people seems to register his presence then and they start coming up to him. He briefly smiles at them, shakes their hands, but his eyes are focused on where Steve went. He gently dismisses everyone and finally reaches where Steve is. He's on the phone with someone so Tony stays behind, stops a few steps away, just watching him, admiring him from afar. Steve sounds like he's on the verge of crying and Tony curses Stane because obviously it's him, right? It has to be him, who else really? God, sometimes he really hates the man. Tony sees Steve hanging up and looking up to the sky, and he looks so beautiful in the nightlight and Tony takes a mental picture of him and really appreciates the view in front of him. He feels like he should say something, anything really, just to stop feeling like a creep watching a man behind a bush.

 

“Want to run away yet?”

 

Okay, not exactly what he's been wanting to say – _I love you. I miss you. Hi. It's good to see you. You look amazing. –_ but it gets Steve to turn around, and Tony feels his knees going a little weak and he can't help but get closer, his feet take him to Steve and really he shouldn't even be surprised by now, he's so in love with the man. And it's horrible really, it's the worst thing , and the best thing, he's in love with a perfect man while he's engaged to a wonderful woman and he's just stuck in this sticky messy situation and he's not sure how he is going to get out of it. But somehow none of this matters as he looks into Steve's eyes and god, he missed this blue, and Steve _has_ been crying and Tony can see the little shining wet trail the tear left on his fair skin. His hand itches, he wants to wipe what's left of it away, kiss the pain away, but he can't, so he doesn't.

 

“It's good to see you.” He says instead and he has to look away, because he can't, he can't keep looking at Steve and pretend that he's not in love with him. His heart is on the verge of exploding from beating too fast – but maybe he has a condition, because those kind of beating tend to happen a lot lately and it's not normal, isn't it?

 

“It's good to see you too.” Steve says and there are butterflies, no a whole zoo, taking place into Tony's insides, and he can't help but grin at the man. He can only smile at the man he loves, and Steve smiles back and at the sight, Tony's breath get caught in his throat and he really wants to kiss Steve right then, kiss that smile, kiss him everywhere. But he doesn't, he just says what he should have said the other night.

 

“I am sorry for the other night, I know I should have told you about the party but I don't, I really didn't want it in the first place and I just thought..” He's rambling, he knows he is but his brain can't stop and Steve cuts him, playing a hand on his.

 

“ _It's fine_.” Steve says. “It _is._ It's.. it's really good to see you.” He adds, repeating his words and he squeezes Tony's hand.

 

“I missed you.” The words slip out of his lips before he can stop them.

 

Steve looks down at his hand on Tony's and Tony feels the emptiness when Steve takes his hand away, and he almost regret his words.

 

“Tony..”

 

“Tony! There you are!” Tony turns around and see Pepper approaching, grinning as her high heels take her closer to Steve and Tony. Tony shoots an apologetic look to Steve; and Tony sees what Steve does, he's biting the inside of his cheek and he always does that when he's upset or mad or wants to say something but can't , and Tony wishes, really wishes things were different. “I've been looking for you everywhere.”

 

“I just stepped out for a minute.”

 

Pepper narrows her eyes at him and Tony holds her stare, not long before she turns to Steve, smiling. “Good evening Steve, how lovely to see you here.”

 

“Natasha invited me.”

 

“Of course. Now gentlemen, it is a party, and it's meant to be enjoyed and to mingle so shall we?” She gestures them to follow her back inside and Tony glaces at Steve who smiles right back at Pepper and Tony is quite impressed of how good he can fake a smile. Steve makes the first steps and he even offers her arm to Pepper, who takes it gladly. Tony is left alone, walking behind them as he watches the two of them. It's crazy how Steve and Pepper seem to talk so easily. He can hear them talking about the party, Steve throwing compliments at Pepper and the red haired woman catching them skillfully and Tony almost wants to vomit at the situation. The woman he's engaged to, and the man he's in love with are casually discussing and he's left in the back, watching them, not being able to do a damn thing.

 

And it goes on, Tony mainly watches , he watches how Steve seems so at ease, talking to people, always smiling, laughing at some heir's lame joke, he watches and watches and he wonders how the people who come and talk to him can't see that he doesn't care, that his attention is far far away from them. He desperately wants to talk to Steve in private, wants to know if he's really okay.

 

There is a toast and Tony recites what Pepper told him to say, like a good dog that's been trained well; after that, more people come his way, but this time, he easily avoids them, and walks towards Steve, where he's standing with Natasha. He keeps his eyes on the man as he walks to them, and he hides his smile as he watches Steve shifts just the tiniest bit as Tony approaches. Tony stops right in front of them and turns to Natasha first.

 

“Hi Natasha, I didn't get the chance to talk to you earlier, but you look wonderful.”

 

“Thank you Tony. You look quite good yourself.” She smirks at him and he narrows his eyebrows.

 

“ _Quite good_ , is that what I am now? _Quite good.._ ” He jokes and she laughs with him and Tony can see Steve out of the corner of his eye, playing with the rim of his glass but still not looking at him. “No Bucky tonight?”

 

“No, he's on a roadtrip with his adoptive little sister.”

 

“Oh, Wanda? Where did they go?”

 

“Anchorage.” Natasha nods. “They shouldn't be quite far by now.”

 

“That's a long way from here.”

 

“Tell me about it. But Steve here has been an amazing company.” Tony watches as she places her hand in the crook of Steve's elbow and squeezes a little bit. He smiles at her.

 

“I am just making sure you're not eloping with someone else.” Steve says and his voice is playful and Tony smiles, because even if he knows it's fake, he has to pretend he doesn't.

 

“Like I would.” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “ I am keeping your bestfriend until death do us apart.”

 

“Oh so there's a wedding on the way?” Tony chirps in.

 

“Yes, but we're taking our time. We're living the engaged life first, enjoying it.”

 

“That's the right way I guess. Enjoy it while you can.” Tony says, biting his tongue for saying that. “Because once you start organizing the actual wedding, that's when trouble arrives.”

 

“Is that so? Has trouble arrived?” Natasha asks and she's not smiling, she's looking at Tony with piercing green eyes and Tony feels like she's looking into his soul, as if she knows what he's been doing the past few weeks – being with Steve, loving Steve.

 

“No, I mean, it's just..”

 

“Just teasing, Tony.” Natasha smirks, but it's fake, and Tony knows because he's the poster boy for fake smiles or pretending to be joking when really he's not. “If you could excuse me for a moment.”

 

She sends them both a smile, before turning around, wandering off somewhere Tony doesn't really care about. Tony waits till she's out of ear's reach before turning to Steve, his bestfriend looks normal, at least to any other person, but Tony sees the way he keeps playing with the glass, keeps staring at it eventhough it's been empty for a while now, Tony sees how his cheeks are hollowed. Without thinking, almost instinctively , he places his hand on Steve's, the one holding the glass, and rubs his thumb on the smooth skin.

 

“You alright?”

 

“Feeling good. Great actually. Never been better.” Steve says, and it's a lie Tony knows but he doesn't retort. He knows that Steve won't tell him anything with so many people around.

 

“The second door to your left. It'll lead you to the workshop. The entry code is 4791.Go there and take a moment.”

 

Steve turns to Tony, and he seems to look for something – where's the lie maybe – but Tony holds his gaze, hopes that everything he can't say right now is conveyed through his eyes. He nods at Steve, with a smile and Steve lets go of the glass and holds Tony's fingers where they meet and Tony would lie if the gesture doesn't make his heart skip a few beats. Steve leaves after one last squeeze, but then heads towards the door leading to the workshop. Tony watches him walk away and his heart has never felt so heavy he thinks; watching the love of his life walk away from him, for his own safety. Tony suddenly remembers when Steve had a panic attack after the first dinner he had at their place, he also remembers how Steve had quickly brushed off the subject when Tony had brought it up. And now tonight, how on edge Steve has been all night.

 

“Blonde one leaving already?”

 

Tony turns to Stane, his fist clenching as the older man approaches. He doesn't think he can hide how mad he is at the man. He perfectly remembers Stane's actions earlier towards Steve, and even a few weeks ago in the japanese restaurant.

 

“Maybe you should leave.” Tony snaps right at him, making Stane raise an eyebrow at him.

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Stane retorts, holding his chin up.

 

“It means he's my bestfriend and we could do without the attitude.” Tony says, raising his head, stepping closer to Obadiah. “If you want to trouble someone, I suggest you try someone else. I am not about to let you bully him.”

 

“You seem awfully protective of that beggar.”

 

Tony's blood boils at the words, he has to stop himself from hitting the man, or push him away. His nails dig deeper in his palms, and when Tony speaks, his voice shakes with anger.

 

“Call him beggar one more time, I swear to God it'll be the last word out of your mouth.” Tony holds Stane's stare and continues. “ You should leave.” When Stane doesn't move, he adds. “ Leave or I”ll make you.”

 

Stane seems to understand that he's not joking and turns around to leave. Tony watches him and he looks around to find Pepper. He needs to tell her to make all these people, or he'll have to leave. He can't stay here. He can't. He finds Pepper with some people and he quickly excuses himself for taking her away.

 

“Hey, so maybe we should abort the ravels?”

 

“Why? What's the hurry?”

 

He opens his mouth, about to tell her that she needs to make them leave because this whole thing was a terrible, awful idea, but he can't really say that, can he?

 

“Just.. My anxiety is starting to come up again and I just..”

 

“Tony, we've talked about this. Just take those pills I got you, alright? It'll pass.”

 

Tony looks at Pepper and he wants to snap at her, yell at her that she's stupid, not getting it, not getting any of it, but there are still people around, and Tony doesn't want to argue with her right now. Not when Steve is possibly suffocating downstairs.

 

“You know what, I'm just going to the workshop. You deal with all that.”

 

“That's what I've been doing for days, Tony. You tinker and I handle everything else.” She retorts at him before turning around and going off to some guests. He wants to punch something very bad, but instead turns around and heads for the workshop. He walks down the stairs to the workshop and access it after typing the code. He sees Steve inside, sitting on the floor playing with Dum-E and Butterfingers and he smiles as Dum-E is beeping excitedly as Steve laughs at, no, _with_ the little robot. Butterfingers is moving quickly around him, showing him some sort of simulation, it's glitch-y and the colors are wrong but it's cute, the whole scene is cute and Tony stays back, admiring it from afar, as he did most of the night. After a few minutes, Dum-E notices him and he beeps even more frantically at the sight of Tony, which makes Steve look up. His smile fades as he sees Tony, a little blush creeping onto his cheeks.

 

“Hey, huh, sorry they just kept me here and hum..”

 

“It's fine, they like you.”

 

Steve blushes even more, as Butterfingers slides to Tony and keep poking into his thigh. Tony pats him, and asks Steve. “ They kept you company?”

 

“Yes, they're sweet. I sent a couple of pictures to Wanda as well, I hope you don't mind.” Tony shakes his head, kneeling on the floor next to Steve. “I can't believe you kept him.”Steve lays out his hand so Dum-E can play it. The little robot is rotating its arm around Steve's hand, occasionally poking him, it somehow makes Steve smile and Tony's heart races at he watches Steve smile. He thinks he should always be smiling, always have those little crinkles at the corner of his mouth and the little sparkle in his eyes.

 

“He's useful when he wants to.” Tony says, and Steve nods vaguely at him. “I can take you home if you want.”

 

“Can I.. I don't.. Can I stay here with them? For a little while, maybe..” He's interrupted by Dum-E turning to Tony and flashing his little red light at him.

 

“Yeh sure.” Tony says immediately, taking on the offer immediately. Any moment he gets to spend in the same room with Steve, he'll take it. “ I'll just go tinker a little okay?”

 

“I don't want to bother you, I can..” But Tony cuts him off right away.

 

“It's okay. You can stay here as long as you want.” Tony states. “ The bots like you.” _And I love you_ , he wants to add but it seems inappropriate so he stops himself and gets up from the floor and heads for his desk. He doesn't call out for JARVIS to run his simulation – he's not scared or embarassed to call the AI in front of Steve but after all he's been through tonigt, he might be even more anxious – so he does it manually. He starts with some code for his next prototype, and he can hear Steve and the bots playing in the background, and by the sound of all the beeping the bots seem pretty happy. He continues with coding and he starts transferring all of it to the new prototype of the reactor. He's connecting tiny cables together when Steve speaks up.

 

“Pepper invited me to have lunch with her this week.”

 

Tony stops at the words; for a second he thinks he heard Steve wrong, thinks he misheard the words. He turns around, on his pivoting chair, and looks at Steve.

 

“She did?” Steve nods at him, not meeting his eyes. “What did you say?”

 

“She didn't really leave me a choice so I had to say yes.”

 

“Yeh, she has that power over people.” Tony whispers to himself.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” He shakes his head and clears his throat. “Hum, but like..are you okay?”

 

“I think I can handle a lunch alone with your fiancé, Tony.” Steve says, sarcasm clear in his voice.

 

“No I meant.. After what happened tonight with.. with Stane and .. how you acted all night.. Are you okay?”

 

“What are you talking about? I am fine.”

 

“Steve, I saw you. Stane came to talk to you and you became all tense. When I found you, you were crying. And you've been tense all night since then.”

 

“I am fine, Tony.” Steve repeats. Tony holds his gaze and looks for the lie, but he can't find it. He really hopes he's not seeing this wrong because he wants to believe Steve, wants to believe that he's fine so bad, but he's seen it all night. He's seen how Steve has been on edge constantly,has faked too many smiles to count, has swallowed back his tears and pretended nothing was wrong.

 

“No.” Tony has to take a deep breath before he says the word. “No, you're not fine. If you were fine, you wouldn't be here. You would be upstairs still partying.” Steve looks down and focus his attention on Dum-E back, but Tony doesn't stop, he can't. “ If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but you can.. If you want to. I'm always here for you. Always. I'll never not listen to what you have to say.”

 

“You would?” Steve looks up at him and there are tears in his eyes, and there's so much sadness written on his face. “Would you listen to everything?”

 

“Of course Steve!” Tony looks incredulous, not believing that Steve could ever doubt. “ I would do anything for you.” They stare at eachother for a long while and Tony really hopes that Steve understands that he means every word.

 

“Four.. Seven ...Ninety..” Steve says and for a second Tony doesn't understand and Steve doesn't add anything, just goes back to playing with the bots, but Tony watches him and something is off with him again and it's not as cheerful and happy and it's breaking Tony's heart but something tells him he can't do anything about it. He doesn't go back to work, he can't, he can only watch and admire Steve, and it's the closest they've been in days and somehow it feels like that's the closest they'll ever get again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated!   
> Love always, Iswa <3


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS!  
> If you're reading this up to this point, please let me know, because I love this story, and I'd finish it eventho nobody is reading it anymore but I sorta want to know if there are still people who do. Just let me know, only a comment , anything is appreciated. We're near the end actually, trust me.

**l.** _brain noise //_ _the constant chatter of the mind that never stops. It is the inner conversation or inner monologue that goes on constantly in the mind._

 

 

Steve opens his eyes slowly, blinded slightly by the sun in his bedroom, it takes him a moment to adjust his eyes, and then to remember where he is, his mind racing with thoughts but he soon recognizes his own bedroom and then calms down a little. He feels cold, the clothes on his skin not doing much to warm him. He turns on his back, facing the ceiling, he's alone in his bed and it's been like that for a few days but the feeling hasn't really sunk in yet and he would lie if he said he didn't miss Tony, he would lie if he said he didn't miss the feeling of waking up next to him, turning around to find him sleeping like a rock, his chest rising up and down. But not this morning. Or the morning before. He knows he is to blame really for that, but what more could he have done? And last night.. when he saw Tony he just.. it was like everything was forgotten. He frowns a little when he can't seem to remember much of last night, some moments being a blurry mess. He remembers arriving to the party with Nat, and then immediately being ambushed by Stane, and then it becomes blurry then, he only remembers when he saw Tony, and then when he went down in the workshop, but that's all. All of it is hidden in shadows and he doesn't know if he should ask about last night, not sure if he wants to remember about it.

 

With a sigh, he gets out of bed and heads for the shower and stays there for a while; the hot burning feeling of the water is welcome on his skin, the cold sort of going away but not completely. He stays there, under the shower head, breathing, just breathing. Air comes in his lungs and it feels awfully good, quite unfamiliar and he remembers the sand in his mouth and for a second he sees smoke and ashes and blood and burned flesh before his eyes but he quickly shakes his head. He leans on the tiled wall and it's warm, hot, burning, and it doesn't help and he feels suffocating and the fog causes his vision to blur slightly. He turns off the water and gets out of the shower in a haste., getting dressed and he goes to open the top window just so the fog leaves. He stands there for a while, just watching the fog fade out of the little space. It feels weird, watching it go away so easily, he thinks, if only the feeling in his throat would leave as easily.

 

Back in his room, he grabs a book and his phone and settles on his little bench by his window and checks his phone for texts from Wanda and Bucky. There are a few, as he expected, and he sort of envies them, they're away from all the craziness and Steve wishes he could leave New York and this whole situation behind. Hereads through his texts, smiling as he reads his bestfriends's.

 

**From Wanda - 5:20 am:**

 

_Hey , hope you're doing alright, so sad we didn't get to talk last night but I was in the shower ( you kinda smell after 8 hours in a car haha ) but maybe we can have a chat tonight if you're not busy?_

 

**From Wanda – 5:23 am :**

 

_We're only leaving Seattle tomorrow morning so it won't be a big deal for us ( I know how you are you little worrier )_

 

**From Wanda – 5: 26 am :**

 

_We miss you. I miss you. Take care okay?_

 

**From Wanda – 5: 30 am:**

 

_I am sorry if those texts wake you, I can't sleep for no reason, I blame the humid northern heat unrf_

 

**From Wanda – 5:32 am:**

 

_Okay I'll stop now, love you <3 talk to you soon!_

 

 

**From Bucky – 8:39 am:**

 

_Morning man, how are you feeling after last night? Better? I hope so, or at least alright. Let me know okay?_

 

**From Bucky – 8:42 am :**

 

_We're going to do some sightseeing today so I apologize in advance for all the photos that will come your way! Blame it on the kid haha_

 

Steve chuckles as he reads the texts and he really is grateful for them.He quickly replies to the both of them,telling them that he's fine, didn't mind the texts and won't mind all the pictures. He then sees a couple of texts from Tony and hesitates before opening them.

 

From Tony - 4:30 am :

 

Hope you are okay, please let me know if you need anything, really anything, or even just to talk, I'm here, I'm always here, okay?

 

**From Tony – 4:40 am:**

 

_And I really missed you. Still do. And I am still sorry._

 

**From Tony – 4:42 am :**

 

_I wish things were different._

 

Steve desperately wants to scream, he wants to hurl his phone across the room, wants to stop talking to Tony, wants to stop this whole big mess. He wishes he was back in Iran right now, so he wouldn't have to deal with this.

Oh. oh.

How fucked up, how insane must he be to wish, _to wan_ t he was in Iran right now instead of here. How crazy that he wishes he was on the verge of being blown up dead rather than being here, in New York, reunited with the people he loves.

Why is it that the person he loves the most brings him the most pain somehow? He quickly replies, typing frantically , he's mad and he hopesTony will see it in the text. He rereads his text, about to hit send but then he clicks on the little delete button and delete the text. He locks his phone and puts it away, sighing in frustration. His eyes land on his book and it doesn't even look appealing to him anymore. On an impulse he gets up and gets a small towel and a water bottle and goes to the gym downstairs. A little session won't hurt him, and maybe his brain will shut up for a while.

 

 

Later in the day, he's coming home from a bookshop, he feels oddly content with his purchases, he texted Wanda to ask her some book recommandations and she happily obliged, adding that her own little library back at the Barton's was all his if he wanted something new to read. She promised to call, and he actually looks forward to it, and he plans on texting Laura or Clint to ask if he can come by to play with the kids a little. He desperately needs to tune off his brain, the constant noise making him overthink and worry. He's walking up the stairs, thinking about little Cooper and his contagious energy, a smile forming on his lips. He arrives on his floor and he spots Tony right away, and he stops in his tracks and he almost drops his shopping bag, and he wants to back away, step away , go back to the bookshop, the streets, anywhere but here.

 

Tony looks up, and Steve sees his eyes light up a little bit and his heart wants to believe it's all for him, that he's the reason for the smile and the stars in those beautiful brown eyes but he can't. No, no, it's not okay. Tony gets ups from the floor, still with the smile on his face, and Steve wants to kill himself for how weak he is for that smile.

 

“Hey, huh.. I hum.. You weren't home and I..”

 

“What are you doing here?” Steve doesn't let him finish it, he doesn't want to hear what Tony has to say, doesn't want his words to make him weak.

 

Tony stares at him and Steve wants to yell, wants to scream to hurry up because it's too much, he doesn't want to hear it, doesn't need to hear it. He wishes Tony had never come, he doesn't want to be weak, he was so weak last night he reckons, he doesn't want to feel that again.

 

“You never answered my texts so.. I wanted to check if you were okay.”

 

“I'm fine.” Steve says automatically, _and I'll be better when you're gone_ , he wants to add but he doesn't.

 

“Can we.. can we talk?” Tony asks, and he looks so young here, so much like the younger Tony, and Steve is brought years back, when they were still kids, when there was nothing between them, when they were just kids and they didn't have feelings for eachother.

 

“Guess we can.” Steve says as he crosses the space between him and his door, and opens it. He steps in and doesn't look back, knows Tony is following, _senses_ the man behind him.

 

“Do you want a drink?” Steve asks, to break the tangible tension in the air.

 

“Do you have PTSD?” Tony blurts out the words and it takes Steve off guard and he freezes while getting a glass of water and the tap is running before it floods the glass and wets his hand, and it brings him back to reality and then he's looking at Tony and he doesn't think he's ever seen Tony that concerned before. Steve clears his throat and scoffs.

 

“I don't. Why would you think that?”

 

“Because last night you stepped out after Stane talked to you, and I guess it was army-related and I heard you call Bucky and you were crying and you were tensed all night, and I remember Nat telling me that you were there when Bucky lost his arm, and.. I see how you two act around eachother, he's so protective and you are as well, and it's a little annoying to be honest and I just.. I really want to understand what's going on..”

 

Steve turns fully to him, and raises an eyebrow. “ So you're jealous now?”

 

“I am not jealous, that's besides the point.”

 

Steve puts down his glass and steps closer to Tony, his eyes focused on him. “ So you're saying, you don't care?”

 

“I didn't.. why aren't you answering my question?” Tony insists but Steve gets closer and closer to the point where he has Tony pushed against the counter.

 

“Why are you still talking?” They're so close and Steve's lips are so, so close to Tony's and he only wants to dive in and taste them. He wants to know if they still taste the same, wants to know if he still remembers their flavor.

 

“Steve, please..” Tony says, and it's a whining plea really, and Steve feels him pushing against him, leaning into his body.

 

“What?” He repeats, playing with the hem of Tony's shirt, he lets his hands slide past his jacket and dig his fingers in Tony's skin, he finds his little spot, the space under his hipbone. He sees how Tony's breathing shifts as he presses on it, and it brings him the same pride he felt the first time they made love, the same pride he felt when Tony became undone underneath him. And the memory makes him wants to dive in and kiss Tony, taste him until his hunger is completely satisfied.

 

But Tony makes the first move and leans forward, planting his lips on Steve's and Steve sighs into the kiss because it's beeen way too long and much better than the dreams he's had the last few days, and he's lost in it, so so lost into the kiss he doesn't even think when Tony bites his bottom lip and deepens it, doesn't think when he drags Tony to his bedroom and pushes him on the bed. He doesn't think when he goes down on his bestfriend and the only think he can hear is Steve, Steve, _Steve_. Tony is a shivering mess underneath him and Steve is high on the feeling, of Tony, of his body under his fingertips.

 

And later when Tony is sound asleep next him, his chest rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm, he doesn't think, doesn't think about how selfish he is, how he wants to keep Tony forever with him, how he wishes they could stay here, in this bed, hidden between the sheets forever. Away from everything, _everything_.

 

 

Steve wonders why Pepper chose the patio, it's a very hot day in New York, the sun is shining so bright he was a little surprised when he came outside this morning. His formal suit doesn't help, he's suffocating in his blazer vest and his trousers are sticking to his skin and he really wishes Pepper would arrive already – Steve sort of already wants to leave.

 

“Oh I am so sorry, Steve!” He hears Pepper says from behind him, and he rises. She looks exhausted, and a bit stressed and Steve wonders if she knows. Is that why she asked him out for lunch? Is she going to interrogate him? Is that why he's here? Has she found out? “You would think that after years, I'd know how to dismiss annoying people in one step.” She laughs but it's full of irony.

 

“It's alright, don't worry. I didn't have to wait long.” He says, trying to sound welcoming and nice but he's sure his face looks weird.

 

“Have you ordered anything?”

 

“No, I waited for you to arrive.”

 

She gestures a waiter to come and she actually orders for the both of them – he hates the drink she ordered for him but he doesn't say a word– and they make small talk while waiting but it's so shallow, Steve keeps tuning out of it, and he so badly wishes for an escape, something that could happen that could make him leave.

 

Their drinks arrive and they both fall into a very uncomfortable silence, Steve's throat burns as the alcohol goes down, but he doesn't say a thing.

 

“I've been meaning to ask.” Pepper starts after she takes a few sip. “ There's this thing about Tony.. He's changed recently.”

 

Steve's brain gets foggy, _oh no_ , he thinks. _Think of something, quick_.

 

“How so?”

 

“He's staying out all night, he doesn't talk to me, I know he's never been the best to express his feelings and it's just frustrating.He doesn't tell me anything.” She stops for a minute and looks at him and Steve really hopes she can't see how the hair on his spine is raising. “It stopped for a few days, but then last night he didn't come home.. I thought since maybe you two are childhood friends, you'd know something.”

 

Steve stares at her and he really tries not to smirk, not to smile at her cluelessness; he wants to tell her that he knows where Tony spends all of his nights, he wants to tell her that he's the reason Tony wasn't home last night. He's the reason behind Tony's unusual behaviour, he's the one. Steve is. Not her. It was always Steve and never her. Tony has always been his, never really hers, never completely.

 

“I'm sorry Pepper, but I don't know anything.” He says, and the corner of his lips barely tugs upwards and he so badly wants to smirk at her, he's so full of pride and selfishness he's beaming.

 

She looks at him and he can see her eyes starting to well up and oh, _oh_ , she cares, she really cares and he sees it in that instant and she suddenly becomes a more important of the equation. She _is_ Tony's fiancé, she _is_ meant to marry him in just a couple of months. She _is_ the one he eventually goes home to. Steve is the childhood bestfriend, the one who left. He's the one filling the empty hours of Tony's day. He's nothing. He's just a dot of black in a sea of colors.

 

“I just.. I know I haven't been the best of girlfriends lately, but .. I want this wedding to be perfect you know. It's coming so quickly and .. I would understand if he went to someone else, if he .. if he was seeing someone.”

 

“I..” Steve starts but the next words are stuck on his tongue. “I don't think he's seeing someone else.” _Liar, liar_ , his brains screams at him. It's awful to lie, his mother used to tell him, especially when you are hurting someone while doing so. But aren't you always hurting someone when you're lying?

 

“Has he told you anything?” Pepper enquiries immediately. Steve looks at her and he sees how worried she is, how stressed she is, and he so badly wants to tell her the truth, not even out of spite anymore, but for her sake. He's about to talk when she grabs his hand suddenly, and Steve can't help but think that her skin is so different on his skin than Tony's, it's not as soft, not as nice, not as tan, not as good, and simply not _his_. He wonders if it's the feeling of skin that made Tony fall in love with her, or if it's her perfume. He wonders how many times Tony worshipped her , made love to her skin, how many times he whispered her name as he did so. He wonders and it breaks his heart to think she touched in ways he touched Tony.

 

“He's not cheating on you, Pepper. I know Tony, and he's not like that.” Yes, he _does_ know Tony, and Tony _is not_ like that, but he has cheated – is cheating – on Pepper. And Steve is as guilty and it hurts him, because he sees that she does care, and he's selfish, they've been selfish. “I'll talk to him if you want me to.”

 

“Oh would you?” Her eyes widens and she hears him and she squeezes his hands even more, and Steve wants to take it back, wants to take his hand back and leave. His throat is tied in a knot and he nods , because that's all he can do. “ Oh Steve.” She launches herself onto him, and hugs him and hewants to scream no, wants to tell her to get away from him, she shouldn't hug him, she'd curse herself if she knew. She'd curse _him_ if she knew. “Thank you so so much. I knew you could do something.”

 

She lets go of him and wipes the tears off of the corner of her eyes, and she turns around and gestures to a waiter to come by and Steve is surprised at how quickly she passes on to another topic and he realizes then why Tony hangs onto her. She's strong, a strong woman, she's so independent, she can take care of herself. And maybe Tony doesn't want her , - Steve knows Tony loves her, it's obvious – but maybe he needs her. He needs her so he can be strong too; but Steve is strong too. He is..right? He can be strong for Tony too, he can be , he knows that. He'd give anything to be strong enough for Tony. Anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is highly appreciated!  
> Love always, Iswa <3


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter! I'm going to be uploading another one tonight, I just need to add a few things, and edit it and go over it a couple of times before posting it! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think! it's really short but I promise you.. It's a twist.

**li**. _enmity // hatred, animosity_

 

Tony is checking his watch every single minute since he left his house. At first, it was a countdown until the time Pepper and Steve were meeting, then it was how long they had been meeting, and afterwards, when no texts, no calls from either of them, it was just other numbers to add in his maths. Many times, he picks up his phone, and types a text for Steve but then deletes it, and he wishes he could call, but if Steve hasn't called so everything must be fine, right?

 

“Sir, the running encryptions that Miss Stacy and Mister Parker have sent in for the new reactor are complete and proven to be successful.” Jarvis, his AI, speaks up and Tony almost jumps at the sound.

 

“Thanks, J. Wanna run some more test on the mini-version?”

 

“Is that even a question, Sir?” Tony smirks as the sass coming from his AI and he almost curses himself for making Jarvis so sassy but then again, he created it, so it's only fair.

 

He happily slides to his desk and start working, glad to have a distraction. But he doesn't stop checking the time, nor his texts.

 

 

Hours later, when the sun has long ago set on the city, Tony finds himself knocking on Steve's door. He successfully avoided Pepper when she came back – it's a good thing she doesn't have the code to the workshop sometimes, he tells himself, - and took one of his cars and drove here. He was getting restless in his 'shop, even the numbers couldn't calm his brain. It's funny how he sort of always finds himself in this situation, always in front of Steve's door, reaching, going back to him. It reminds him of Wanda's theory about Apollo and Icarus. He feels like Icarus right now, flying reaching out to Apollo. He's reaching, reaching, his wings burning on his back..

 

He patiently waits, he can hear Steve's voice on the other side coming closer and Tony braces himself. His bestfriend opens the door and Tony lets out a sigh at his sight. The blonde man is beautiful, well he always is in Tony's eyes but right now, right there, he looks so good. He's wearing a shirt, so tight on his body, and a pair of caramel pants and Tony didn't know he liked this color until now. Steve is holding the phone to his ear but at the sight of Tony, he quickly speaks to his caller.

 

“Wanda, can I call you back?” A pause. “ Sure, I'll let you know. Thanks again. Take care, little one.” A chuckle and a smile. “ Bye, love you.” Steve hangs up and looks at Tony again, and the smile is gone and Tony will lie if he says it doesn't hurt but he shakes his head and puts on a smile.

 

“Hi.” He says, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible.

 

“What are you doing here?” Steve asks, and Tony is about to answer, to tell him that he's been missing Steve, that he's been worrying all day but Steve doesn't let him. “ You should be home.” Tony frowns. “ With Pepper.”

 

Okay, what the hell?

 

“Can I come in?” Tony asks, his hands starting to shake. “ I just want to talk.”

 

Steve looks at him, just looks, and Tony is scared at how he can't read Steve right now, how closed off Steve is to him, how they feel like strangers right now; but Steve steps aside, making way for Tony to come in, which he does. And he steps in, carefully, he feels like he's walking on eggshells and it's breaking him, it's not usually like this, he's always so open, so carefree. He walks in and he feels Steve behind him and it's so awkward and terrifying and it's never been like this and..

 

“You're shaking.” Steve points out from behind him, and Tony turns around and suddenly they're so close, so so close and Tony's skin itches, burns from the lack of contact, he craves for Steve to just hold him, to be closer, to just be with him.

 

“How's Wanda and Bucky doing?” He decides to change the subject, because he needs something to get the nerves loosen. “They must be in Anchorage by now right?”

 

“They got there two hours ago, yeh.” Steve says and he sighs a little. “ Wanda is so happy. She's practically glowing.”

 

“How long are they going to stay there?”

 

“A few days. A week at the most. They should be back early July.”

 

“In time for your birthday, I bet.” Tony jokes and Steve rolls his eyes, a little smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

 

“My birthday is far away.”

 

“Just a few weeks, really. 18 days actually.”

 

And Steve smiles as he rolls his eyes and the sight makes Tony's heart race and all he can think is _beautiful_ and his heart keeps racing in his chest and he thinks it's about to explode. Steve keeps smiling as he looks back at Tony and he crosses the space between them and for a second, Tony thinks Steve is going to kiss him, grab him and pull him close and crash their lips together and– oh no, Steve walks right past him and Tony's hopes and wishes are replaced by ache and longing and ir hurts but he won't show. He turns on his heels, watching Steve stop by the window and closing his eyes as the sun caress his face.

And hell, he looks like a God right there, he looks like a deity, with his fair skin glowing under the sunlight, illuminating his whole soul and Steve leans his head against the wall, and lets out a long sigh and Tony can only admire, he thinks he forgot how to talk. He's so in awe, and he stares at Steve's neck, that delicate flesh he knows is so soft and tender, he knows how it feels under his lips, under his tongue, under his teeth, he knows the exact spot to reach to get a moan out of Steve. And he should hate himself for knowing this, he should but he can't bring himself to it.

 

“She loves you.” Steve says, and Tony doesn't need to ask to know who Steve is talking about. And Tony fights back the tears at the edge of his eyes and he clears his throat and there are many words on the tip of his tongue, but he can't speak them. “I can see why you're marrying her.”

 

And the words hit Tony like a brick in his face but it's heart that takes the blow, and he inhales a long breath, try to make his heart steady itself.

 

“You _are_ marrying her, right?” Steve adds, and he's looking at Tony now and Tony almost expects to see anger, fury, even pain but only see calm.

 

“Is that what you want?” Tony says and he hates how low is voice, how weak it sounds and he looks at Steve, waits for an answer.

 

“Four. Seven. Ninety-one.” Steve says and Tony doesn't understand why he's saying this. He frowns at Steve, hoping to get a better explanation. “ _Four. Seven. Ninety-one._ ” Steve repeats. “ _Sorry, love you, T._ ” He continues. “ _I need you, Steve._ ” And Tony gets it. “All the times, all the nights where you'd stay here, where we laid in my bed, together.. Why are you doing this, _all of this with me_ , if you're marrying _her_?”

 

Tony sees it now, the pain, the hurt on Steve's face, and he can't help the tears falling from his eyes at this point, because what else can he do? Because Steve is right, he is, and Tony knows it, he has been doing and saying all of this and he's being selfish. He's being so selfish, so selfish. And somehow, he doesn't know why but he hears metal clinging against metal and his chest hurts and there's a weight on him and his body hurts and he's filled with fear for some reason.

 

“If you don't want me in your life, you can say it.” Tony speaks up and he wipes away the tears from his cheeks. “You walked away once and I was alright , I'm sure I can do it again.”

 

“ _I_ walked away?” Steve retorts? “ I..? Tony, after your parents died, I tried to reach out to you, I tried so much. I called, I asked Professor Coulson if he had any news. _I_ didn't walk away. _You_ shut me out.”

 

“You went to an army training camp, at 17! Who does that?”

 

“For the record, I was 18 when I started okay? And you've always known I wanted to serve, don't act like you didn't!”

 

“Well I never thought you would rush off and throw yourself under bombss and tanks! It's almost like you wanted to get yourself killed!”

 

Steve doesn't answer, and Tony regrets the words as soon as they're out of his mouth. And there it is, the pain, the hurt, and it's all his fault, and really, it's always been his fault, hasn't it?

 

“You should leave.”

 

“Steve, I..”

 

“Just go, Tony.” Steve snaps. “ Just leave, go back to your fiancé, because that's where you should be. That's where you should always have been.”

 

Steve turns his back to Tony, facing the window and Tony lets the tears fall freely again , and he can't stop it. “Is that what you want? You want me out of your life?”

 

“I'm not stopping you.”

 

And Tony can't see his face, and he wishes he could, but he's not sure he should. So he just turns around and walks out, and he almost stops on the door step, almost looks back, almost wants Steve to stop him, almost wants to run back to Steve and kiss him. But none of that is going to happen. Steve doesn't make a move to stop Tony on his way out and Tony doesn't stop walking.

 

 

Tony enters his house, his brain filled with unsaid words, and tears-filled blue eyes and a cold voice. He finds Pepper in the living room, typing on her computer while on the phone with someone. He stands there for a while , just watching her; she's completely herself there, strong, in control, powerful. She could rule the world, and Tony bets she would have everyone wrapped around her finger if she were to rule the world. Tony tried to remember when he stopped being in love with her, when he stopped thinking of her as the one for him, and when it became Steve.

 

Pepper hangs up, and sighs, before looking up at him, and a smile immediately appears on her face. And it makes Tony feel even more guilty, guilty of lying, of cheating, of being the worst fiancé to her ever. So he smiles at her too, and joins her on the couch.

 

“Hey. How was your day?” He asks, and again, he wonders how long it's been since he's asked her that.

 

“Long. Very long. How was yours?” She leans and rests her head on his shoulder, and Tony can't help but notice how strange, how unfamiliar her skin feels against his, how unlike Steve's it's.. no.

 

“Very long too.” He says, against her forehead. “ Hey, you know what? I've been thinking a lot lately.. And .. how about we leave?”

 

Pepper raises her head and looks up at him, frowning. “ What? Do you mean elope?”

 

“No, not really. I know you want this wedding to be big.” She chuckles a little and Tony smiles, but it's so fake, it physically hurts him. “But.. Both of us have been under a lot of stress lately. And I thought maybe we could, go to the Malibu house, spend some time there. No work, no events, no wedding planning. Just the two of us. Relaxing. By the beach.”

 

“Are you serious?” She questions, and there's a little smile still playing on her lips.

 

“Yes, very.” He smiles down at her. “I think we both need a bit of time away.” She hums against his neck. “ From work. From New York.” _From all this mess,_ he thinks, but he keeps that thought to himself.

 

“I'd love that, Tony.” And they stay here , like this, for a while, just cuddling, leaning into eachother and Tony hates the fact that he can't stop comparing her skin, her hair, the feel of her fingertips on him, to Steve's. Everythin reminds him of Steve and how it's not him Tony is holding right now and he just hates himself even more. And he realizes that maybe, it's always been Steve, that maybe it was never Pepper and then it became Steve, maybe it's always been Steve and Pepper was just there.. And Tony isn't sure if that's a good or bad thing.

 


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOO ! Here we go.. Please read this : It was really hard for me to write this chapter. As someone with anxiety ( actual medical anxiety) it's very hard to write about panic attacks but I wanted to touch on something that I don't know if some of you picked on : Most of the times, when you have a panic attack, you don't remember it later. You could do, say things and not remember it. You can be walking, talking, going through a whole day , going through an anxious stage, and you wouldn't know it.. It's awful and horrible, and if you're triggered by this, DO NOT READ . It was triggering enough for me and I am not going to write the next chapter right away..  
> But thank you for reading, once again. Let me know what you think, please, please! I love reading comments! Tell me what was your favorite SteveTony moment so far, or your favorite movie, seriously come talk to me :)

**lii**. _verklempt // chocked or completely overcome with emotion_

 

Steve watches with a smile as Wanda is showing everyone the pictures she took of Anchorage. They arrived last night and she immediately called him to let him know she would be waiting for him first thing this morning. And she was; she was standing on the front porch when he passed the gate at 9 am, and she didn't stop talking until Bucky got there around 10, but it was only to hug him than she started again, and honestly Steve would lie if he said he didn't miss the sound of their voices, and the smiles on their faces. They look good, glowing, happy, even Bucky, who is tired from all the driving Steve can tell, but he is happy. His bestfriends are back, and they're happy; so why does it matter that his heart ache constantly?

 

“Hey, you alright?”

 

He's brought back to reality by Bucky, and he turns to him and Steve nods immediately. Because he is, he really is, the pain in his chest is just a mild incovenience. “I'm good. Really happy that you two are home.”

 

“Aaw, did you miss us, Stevie?” Bucky pouts at him and pokes his arm and Steve laughs , shoving Bucky gently by the shoulder.

 

“Nah!” Steve says but Bucky probably knows it's a lie.

 

“So your birthday is tomorrow..” Bucky continues on a more serious tone and Steve has the feeling he's not going to like the rest of this conversation. “And Sam told me you were going to walk for the parade?” Steve just nods, he hasn't really given this much thought, it's his duty as a soldier to show up, and walk down with them tomorrow. “You're going to be okay?”

 

“Of course.” Steve narrows his eyebrows at Bucky. “ Why wouldn't I be okay? It's just a parade.”

 

“Yes, but.. you've never done that before, walking with everyone, the speeches and .. it's a lot for a first time and with everything you-”

 

“I'll be fine, Buck.” Steve interrupts him. “Really, I am fine. Haven't been this fine for a while actually.”

 

“Have you?” Bucky asks, concern in his voice, and Steve nods again, hoping that Bucky doesn't see through his lie, he probably does, but if he does, he doesn't say anything.

 

When Steve arrives home later, he's exhausted, his bones ache and he wants nothing more than just going to bed, eventhough it's only 4 pm. He takes off his clothes and gets under his duvet; for a while, it's quiet and his brain seems to give him a bit of a rest, and he's so thankful for that. But after a while, he becomes too aware of the quiet, the stillness of his room, numbness in his body, the emptiness of the sheets next to him. He opens his eyes, and watches, stares at the vacant space next to him. A place that Tony used to fill, the place Tony used to be when he'd stare Steve awake.

 

His fingers reach out and the coldness of the sheets contrast to the memory of Tony's warm skin. It brings Steve back to so many memories, so many nights and early mornings, time where the dawn was the careful keeper of their forbidden kisses and secret caresses. It feels like a lifetime ago when he was able to touch Tony, kiss him, make love to him.. But is it really making love when only one person is in love with the other? Is it making love when it destroys someone else? No, it's not, Steve thinks, and really it shouldn't hurt that much, because he did this, he pushed Tony away. He tells himself he was right to do so. Steve saw how much Pepper cared, how stressed she was, when she thought Tony was cheating on her, rightfully so. She's his fiancé, and he is marrying her; so Steve did the right thing. He really did, and he is sure the ache in his chest is only temporary. With a sigh, he draws his duvet off his body and turns around, opening the drawer on his bedside table. He grabs some of the melatonin pills he got at the drugstore the other week. The lady told him it was natural and good for fighting insomnia, but really Steve has been taking them everytime he just wants to sleep – which seems to be quite often these days. Sleep helps, he doesn't think about Tony when he's sleeping.

 

 

It feels weird, putting on his uniform, all the medals on his chest pocket, the feeling of the fabric on his skin, walking down the street next to his fellow soldiers, and there are veterans behind him and he can see the generals a few lanes in front of him and there's loud marching band music, and there's firecrackers and citizens on the sidelines waving flags and people are waving their glasses full of beer in the air, cheering and whistling and Steve can't really breathe, he's suffocating inside his uniform, it's too tight on his chest and his lungs are about to burst and,and,and-

 

“Man, you're alright?” The woman, the soldier, next to him asks him and he turns to her and she's looking at him, all concerned and they keep walking as the parade is not done yet. “ Are you alright?” She repeats and she has a hand on his arm, and Steve doesn't know why but he can't feel it, he can't feel her hand on him and that's messed up, right?

 

“I..” He can't speak, he can't, words are heavy on his tongue, he feels hot, so hot is it the sun? Is it the sun on his skin that makes him feel so hot?

 

“Do you need to step out for a minute?”

 

Steve stares at her and he knows that look, that look in her eyes, he's seen it so many times, that look of determination, of drive, in her eyes, he's seen it, in Bucky's eyes, in Clint's eyes, in Wanda's eyes.. in Tony's eyes.

 

“No, I'm fine.” Steve says quickly. “Just a bit dehydrated probably.”

 

She nods at him, but she doesn't seem to buy his lie, but they keep walking and Steve stares ahead, walking in rhythm, and he feels the woman's gaze on him sometimes, but he doesn't look back at her, doesn't want to know what's hidden in her eyes.

 

When the parade ends, they are in front of a big open space where loads of people are gathered, and Steve with the captains, in lines, and he can see Bucky and Nat and the Bartons on the side, in the crowd. He smiles at the sight of them all, of this family, and continues to listen to the General talking. Halfway through his speech, Steve notices James Rhodes on the side of the small stage; he's looking right at the crowd, straight in front of him and Steve wonders if Tony is here, in the crowd, listening. Has he come for Steve's birthday? Has he come to see Steve? Does he know Steve is here? So many questions are going through his brain that he startles, literally when the firing starts. His little yelp of fear is covered by the sounds of the bullets flying through the air, and Steve stares at the smoke escaping the shooting guns that the soldiers are holding and his eyes immediately scans the crowd and he finds Bucky, already looking at him, and even this far, Steve sees the concern, the worry in his friend's eyes and he doesn't know what but something inside of him breaks

and Steve wants to run, he wants to run away from this place, there's smoke in the air, he can feel it, he can taste it, and he has an awful taste of metal in his mouth. and the soldiers are starting to walk out and leaving, and Steve really tries to get to Bucky in a hurry. He needs to make sure Bucky is alright, he needs to make sure Bucky is out of-

 

“Captain Rogers, I thought he was you!” Stane blocks Steve's way and Steve feels the same urge he gets whenever Stane is around him – the urge to hurt someone.

 

“Stane.” Steve says simply. “ What an unpleasant sight.”

 

“Oh come on, Rogers.” Stane says, with a stupid grin on his face. “ And it's a national holiday. We should celebrate. And I must say, it's quite the sight not seeing you hanging on Tony.”

 

Steve clenches his fists and he's so ready to punch him, so _so_ ready. “ But hey, what was that hobby you used to have when you were a kid? Painting, right?” Steve feels his nails digging in his skin and his heart is pounding in his chest, and his inner cheek hurts from biting.

 

“I guess you could probably make it into a second, maybe third rate art gallery somewhere in New York. Or maybe you should just go back to war y'know. Since that's the only place where you won't be a burden.”

 

“Hey!” Steve and Stane both turn and watch as Bucky is approaching them. Steve recognizes the look on Bucky's face : pure, genuine anger. Bucky reaches Stane and if he could shoot daggers through his eyes, he would. “You need to walk away, right now.” Stane seems to want to say something but Bucky doesn't let him. “ I mean it.”

 

Stane narrows his eyes at Bucky before lifting his chin and turning around, leaving them, fading into the moving crowd. It's only when he's quite far that Bucky turns to him, and his anger is replaced with concern and deep worry. And he looks down and gently takes Steve's hands in his; he opens them and Steve feels Bucky's metal fingers on where his nails tore the skin.

 

“Come on.” Bucky takes him to a more quiet place, Steve doesn't really know, Stane's words are still echoing in his mind and he's only brought back to where he is – New York, the parade, 4th of July, army, smoke - “ What just happened? Why was this man bullying you?” Bucky interrupts his train of thoughts - they're sitting on the ground, grass, fresh cut grass, Steve likes the smell - and Steve clears his throat.

 

“Forget that, we should get back to-”

 

“They're fine.” Bucky cuts him again, and Steve is getting a little bit annoyed but he remembers that this is Bucky and he already lost so much because of Steve. So much. “What's going on with you, Steve?”

 

Steve doesn't look at Bucky, he can't, he doesn't think he'd be able to face whatever he sees into his friend's eyes. “What do you mean, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine.”

 

“I swear to God, if you say I'm fine one more time, I'm going to kick you.” Bucky retorts. “ This guy went after you, after your passion, after Tony. When _I_ said something bad about Tony, you shut me up _immediately_.. What's different with him?”

 

“I really think we should get back. I , hum, I don't want them to wait.”

 

“Why do you keep on changing the subject?” Bucky snaps at him and Steve flinches, a little startled about the sudden outburst. He waits for Bucky to apologize but it never comes. Only questions. “ What is so wrong that you can't even tell _me_?”

 

“I'm fine, Buck, really. Nothing's wrong with me.” Steve says and he hates how weak he sounds.

 

“Well, the Steve I know would take nothing from nobody.” Bucky says, more calmly. “ The Steve I know would have punched him in the face right then and there, not caring that they were people watching.”

 

“Bucky, _I'm fine._ ” Steve repeats, and he seems like it's all he can say, all he has been saying lately. It's awful, and it's a total lie.

 

“I think it's Tony. He's messing with you.”

 

“ _What_?” Steve snaps, looks up at Bucky, because, okay where the hell did that come from?

 

“I think he's messing with you. Ever since he came back into you life, you've been off, you've distanced yourself from us, you don't talk to us, you're not the same Steve we know, and we don't think he's a good influence on you, and I don't think you should have anything to do with him, what do you have to say about that?”

 

Steve's brain takes a moment every word Bucky threw at him and he feels tears running down his face as realization hits him. Bucky's right, he has distanced himself from his friends, his bestfriends, people he loves and trusts because he's just been so caught up with Tony. “Is that.. Is that really what you all think? Do you think I've been selfish?”

 

“What?” Bucky retorts, his eyes wide, and Steve doesn't understand why he's reacting like this. “ I don't like what he's turned you into.” He hears Bucky say.

 

“I don't want you to think of me like that.”

 

“I think of you as someone who would never ever let me talk to you the way I am right now!” Bucky exclaims. “I think of you as someone who'd fight for what you believe in,as someone who'd fight any bully coming their way! And me, especially fight me!”

 

“I never wanted to cause any trouble.” Steve whispers, and his voice is high and weak, and he's on the verge of crying his eyes out and he closes his eyes because he doesn't want to let any more tears falling. He feels like his chest is closing in and he has trouble breathing, his hands are shaking and his eyes are getting blurry. “I am really tired.. Can we go?”

 

He doesn't hear Bucky say yes or doesn't see him nod but he feels his arm on him, and everything starts moving around him and he wipes off his tears, and lets Bucky leads him.

 

 

Bucky takes him home, they walk in utter silence and Steve is thankful for it, his brain is already on the noisy part of his life. He's about to go right through the entrance when the doorman stops him and Bucky.

 

“Oh Mister Rogers! Glad I could get a hold of you!” He says as he hands Steve a package. It's quite big, but nothing Steve can't hold on his own. “ This came in for you not long after you left for the parade.”

 

Steve shows a smile, that he hopes doesn't look like a grimace; he takes the package and thanks the doorman, before going to the elevator. He presses the button, and he's feeling like he's in slow-motion, everything moving so slow, the air around him feels so thick. He turns to Bucky and he doesn't really know what to say, what he should say.

 

“Thanks for uh, walking with me.” _Lame_ , his brain says but Steve pushes the thought away.

 

“Call me if you need anything. Even if you don't. I'm here for you, okay?” Bucky says. He squeezes Steve's shoulder, and Steve wishes he hadn't. He nods and thankfully, right on cue, the elevator door opens and Steve steps in and sort-of smiles at Bucky before the door closes again and he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He feels tears on his cheeks again but his hands are full and he doesn't think that wiping them is going to help.

 

He gets to his apartment and kicks the door with his foot, and moves to the kitchen counter. He drops the package on the counter and stares at it. He checks the sender address and the postcode is LA; Steve frowns. He doesn't know anyone there, that gets him curious. Getting a pair of scissors, he starts to open the package. He takes out the bubblewrap, and he finds this small drawings, and there's a metal piece in it and he knows. It's Tony, well not really Tony, more the bots – Steve recognizes Dum-E sloppy drawing, but as sloppy as it is, it's beautiful and it hurts and Steve wishes he could talk to Tony right now, wishes he could see Tony right now, wishes he could hug him. He could use a hug right now. He flips through the drawings a bit more, smiles and cries as he watches the little scenes depicted on paper. He then takes the little metal scupture in the box ; he immediately recognizes Tony's doing, it's an arc reactor pendant and Steve remembers Tony talking about it a couple of times and showing him some designs, but this is unlike anything he's ever seen. The shape is circular, with smaller circles going to the center and a beautiful glowing blue center, and a star sits on top of it, and Steve sees the note, and as he reads it, his heart leaves a sigh. His eyes scans the words over and over again and he can't help it. He loves Tony, he just does, and maybe , just maybe, he starts to see that Tony does love him too.

 

He goes to his room, reaching for his phone on the bedside table; only pressing one button, he draws the phone to his ear. It rings for a while, and Steve considers hanging up; Tony is probably busy, and Steve did tell him to leave him alone so it'd be normal for Tony to not answer. Gosh, he's so stupid, why isn't he even..-

 

“Steve?”

 

Tony's voice is different, he sounds.. on edge, like he's stressed, and it's funny how Steve notices that with only one word, but then again, he knows Tony by heart, he knows Tony better than he knows himself so really, it's no surprise.

 

“Steve? Are you there?”

 

Steve clears his throat, and braces himself. “ Yeh, I am here. I, huh, yeh.” he pauses. “ I got your package.”

 

“Oh, it's nothing. I actually found the drawings in the lab and thought you'd like them.” Tony answers quickly and Steve doesn't mention the pendant, his throat is getting tight and he feels like the air in his lungs is leaving him. He tries to clear his throat and tries to make a comprehensive sentence.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Happy Birthday I guess.” Tony says and there's a small chuckle at the end of his voice. “ But it's nothing, really. They're just drawings, they don't really count as presents technically, they didn't co-”

 

“Do you want me?” Steve blurts out, and the words are out before he can grab them. He curses himself mentally, and he finds himself waiting for Tony's answer. It's silent on the other end and then he hears it. The word he's secretly been hoping to hear for a very long time.

 

“Yes.”

 

Steve braces himself and says what he should have said a long time. “Then break off the engagement.” His chest and shoulders feel a bit lighter as the words espace his lips, and really, it should have start this way. He should have asked Tony this in the first place, and then have him break off the engagement before doing anything with him. But this isn't a movie, or a well-played book, this is his life, and he's the only author in charge.

 

“Okay.” And Steve smiles, and for a second, he sees Tony smile, and it's all good, and the sun is shining, and he forgets about the smoke, and the sand in his mouth, and Stane and the taste of metal in his mouth and the cold he always seems to feel. For a second, he doesn't think about the consequences of this word, oh how he doesn't think about all of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, TALK TO ME! Or if you don't want to talk in the comment, find me on tumblr : www.cuddlingmess.tumblr.com   
> AND BTW! Find the unsent texts and notes on my side work inspired by this one!


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG SPIDERMAN HC WAS BRILLIANT ! AND I JUST READ THROUGH A SUMMARY OF BASICALLY WHAT SHOWED AT D23Expo and OMG I AM NOT READY FOR INFINITY WAR!   
> If you want to talk about it, hit me up on ig : it's @iswamam ! Come and let's freak out together!   
> As always, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's really short but I swear, the next chapter is going to be so filled with personal issues and self-carelessness and mentalhealth that you're going to wish I had stopped at this one.. Regardless, enjoy.

**liv**. _rückkehrunruhe //  The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness._

 

“And while you were absent, we took the liberty to miniaturize the arc reactor technology and apply it to smaller, thinner discs as prototypes batteries for the New StarkPhone line, and we also worked on the new element and we figured out that if we took it apart, and then reassemble it, we coud apply it to many other things, such as car batteries, or even planes.” Gwen explains, showing Tony everything she and Peter worked on.

 

“And we also improved all the former tech as you asked us and we finished all the prototypes and we ran the tests and they're all good, better actually than our maths and they're good to go.” Peter continues.

 

Tony looks at them and he smiles at them, he's happy to see them, he really is; he has missed them, he'll admit that – not out loud but hey, it's a start – and he likes how excited they look about everything they've accomplished.

 

“That's very amazing, I'm very proud of you two.” Tony states, as he examines one of the smaller things. He glances back at the two teens and they're grinning proudly, and they remind Tony of himself a little bit. Always proud to show off what he made, always happy to hear a good comment on one of his projects. “Actually, there's a bit more that we need to talk about, concerning your internships. We'd like for you to join Stark Industries as interns for your whole senior year as paid interns.”

 

To say that the two prodigees are surprised at Tony's offer is an understatement. Peter is the cutest really, his mouth keeps opening and closing and his eyes are wide, and Gwen is portraying a close expression to Peter's, minus the open and clousing mouth.

 

“Mister Stark, your offer is.. incredibly generous. I,well we hum..” Gwen starts and Tony holds up his hands.

 

“You don't have to give me an answer right now, you're young, you can think about it.”

 

“Thank you, Mister Stark. Really.”

 

“Thank _you_ , for proving I am not going to leave this Earth unattended when I'm retiring.”

 

Peter and Gwen both nod and Tony continues watching the running code lines the two teens wrote. He mentally congratulates himself for recruiting them, he knew he had done the right thing.

 

The rest of his day is mostly uneventful, he attends meetings for the company, he goes with Pepper to appointments for the wedding; these are the worst because he realizes he can't keep it up anymore. This whole thing, this wedding, it needs to end, not even because Steve asked him, but because Tony can't take it. The more he listens Pepper talking to caterers and artists and musicians about what she wants, he realizes that it's her wedding, and not his and that's not how it should be. He sort of tunes out when she starts talking about food for the hundredth time, and fishes out his StarkPhone. He checks his e-mails and god, he must be so bored if he is checking those, right? He thinks about texting Steve, and maybe letting him know that he's back in town; they haven't really talked since Steve's phone call, not that Tony didn't want to, but it's been a hell of a week and Tony misses him and could use seeing Steve right now. Tony misses him so much, it physically hurts, no joke, and he has thought about how he'd be when they finally reunite, how they would kiss after such a long time, how they would look at eachother after such a long time, how they would touch eachother after such a long time.;

_Gosh._

He's in deep, isn't he? He sends a quick _hey_ text but doesn't have time to say anything more because suddenly Pepper needs his opinion on typography and prints patterns for the invitations and he tells her that they need to think about it. Because there won't be a wedding and there won't be any invitation sent, because this wedding is _not_ happening. He keeps that thought to himself though, and he hopes he'll have the courage to do it. He really, really does.

 

It's 8:30 pm and he nods at the doorman at the entrance of Steve's building and heads for the elevator. He's acting on impulse, on a pure, good old impulse , and he shouldn't. Not when two of his best relationships are at stake. He lied to Pepper to come here, said he was going to stay at R&D to work in the lab for a bit, but he's not, is not working; no, he's not in the lab. No, he's on his way up to Steve's apartment, , because Steve never answered his text and Tony isn't even sure if Steve is there but he needs to, he needs to see him, to hold him. He needs to have this right now. He's shaking in the elevator, he won't admit it, but he knows he is, his whole body is a ball of nerves right now. It's only when he's in front of Steve's door that he somehow tries to stop himself from shaking like he's having a seizure. He takes a deep breath before raising a fist and knocking slightly on the wooden door. He waits, and waits, and waits some more, nothing. He knocks another time, and waits. He's about to knock a third time, when the door opens and he's facing Steve, a very tired, a very grumpy-looking Steve, his hair is all ruffled, his t-shirt and sweatpants are a bit creased, and Tony is about to ask him if he was asleep but Steve sighs and turns back around, back in the apartment, leaving the door open.

 

“If you have something to say, then can it wait another time? I really want to sleep right now.”

 

Tony frowns as he follows Steve back in his apartment, he closes the door and checks the time on his watch; it's barely 9 pm and Steve is .. going to bed? On a Friday night? Tony enters Steve's bedroom and the blonde man is already settled back under his covers. Tony sits on the edge of the bed, and watches the back of Steve's neck, and wonders for a moment.

 

“It's only 8:45pm..” is all Tony can say, and he wants to roll his eyes at himself because this is very lame.

 

“It's been a long day.” Tony hears Steve say.

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

“No.” the answer is immediate, and Tony frowns and there's something wrong here, something very wrong. Tony looks around the room, and he sees something quite disturbing. A small bottle of melatonin pills, next to a lot of sketches. Tony grabs them, flickers through them, and they're dark, very dark, they resemble smoke and flames and there are bits of red here and there and Tony looks back at Steve, and he can't see his face, and he wishes he could, but he's not sure he wants to see everything written on it, everything this face has been through. He's not sure he wants to look in Steve's eyes and see everything he's seen.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Tony asks on a very quiet tone, he would, if Steve asked him to, he would. He would do anything for him.

 

“No.” Tony nods to himself at Steve's words. “ Just.. I just need to sleep okay?” And Steve's voice sound so broken, so weak and Tony looks back at the pills and are they here because Steve can't sleep? Melatonin helps you sleep in under 30 minutes and they do help calm you down, and it's usually used for 40 days , but Steve weren't using them when they were still seeing eachother, and it's been less than 40 days, only 25, and the bottle is almost empty. So what is wrong? What is wrong?

 

Tony starts undressing, taking off his shoes, and jacket; He gets under the covers with Steve, but doesn't read out for him, he lets Steve have his space, he just stares at the back of his neck, wondering what on earth happened when he was away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Melatonin pills. If you remember correctly, we saw Steve previously taking a few already in the previous chapter. Don't forget about them, they're important. And what actually did happen for him to want to go to sleep so early?   
> Let me know what you guys' theories are in the comments! Let me know what you think! Love always , Iswa :)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : mention of thoughts of suicide. talks about PTSD, anxiety, and depression in this chapter and the next ones. If you are in anyway comfortable , please do not go on.  
> I am putting the trigger warning here because eventhough Steve's PTSD is pretty obvious ( except for him) , it's going to get worse in the next few chapters so , Read at your own costs.  
> Also, sorry that I am uploading so late, but this chapter was really hard to write for me because of the reasons above.  
> I hope you do enjoy it regardless, as allways let me know in the comments! And thank you for everyone who is still reading this! I love you all very much!

**liv**.  _morsication buccarum // chronic cheek biting, often due to stress, anxiety_

 

 

“Me and my team, we had to rescue a village who had to be bombed. I remember the children running, the women screaming as they held their babies crying in their arms. It was awful, I still see it in my dreams sometimes.. And the worst thing is.. my sister thinks I'm being this very protective and sensitive aunt to our baby girl when really, everytime she starts crying I fear for her life.”

 

Steve watches as the woman sheds tears as she tells her story. All he's done is watch, that's all he managed to do so far. He watches as Bucky conforts the people, the veterans, and how he speaks with them. He watches as Sam explains to them how they can overcome their issues, how to fight a panic attack. Steve watches and watches but somehow none of the words reach his brain, it's fogged by this constant noise, this constant ruffle of vibrations in his ears and it's bugging him. He keeps trying to tune it off, to focus on his friends' voice but nothing works.

 

He's standing on the far corner of the room, far away from any interaction with anyone present. He's sort of happy no one is talking to him right now, he's not sure how he'd feel if someone talked to him right now. His phone vibrates in his jeans pocket, and he quickly fishes it out to see a short text from Tony. He wants to stop the smile on his face and he's about to reply when he hears his name being called.

 

“Steve! Hey can you come here for the next talk?” Sam calls him from a few feet away.

 

Steve nods, putting his phone back in his pocket, and heading to Sam. He goes to sit next to Sam, with the other veterans, while Bucky goes on the front to speak.

 

“I wanted to personally talk today. My name is Sergent James Buchanan Barnes and I attended a few meetings in the past couple of years. I am .. well, some people say one of the lucky ones. On my second and last tour,we were doing a rec operation, a simple one, the ones you do a hundred times and they go just fine, until that one doesn't. It was an ambush and a lot of us didn't make it.” Bucky's eyes flicker to Sam for a moment and Steve remembers Riley, Sam's best friend, his wingman, gone too early. “ I wouldn't have made it either, if it wasn't for my best friend. After the attack, I had been badly hit and that's how I lost my arm, but Steve here,” and Bucky turns to Steve and really Steve wishes he hadn't, because his heart hasn't stopped racing ever since Bucky started talking. “ Steve saved my life. He got me out and made sure I was safe. He walked ten miles with me on his back. I am alive, because of him; I am here because of him.”

 

Steve feels all the eyes staring at him, and he wants to tell them to stop, _stop looking at me_ , he wants to scream. Steve wishes he could scream, wishes he could yell that this isn't true, that Steve didn't save Bucky, he didn't save Bucky because if he had, Bucky would still have an arm, he wouldn't have had to go through seven hours of surgery, and a year of rehabilitation. And all of this, it's Steve's fault. It's his fault because he wasn't fast enough, he wasn't strong enough.

 

“So thank you, Steve. You really are my bestfriend.”

 

And Steve feels his throat closing in, and the air is stuck, and he feels as if his heart is about to explode and his lungs are on the edge of collapsing. He keeps his head down, staring at his hands on his lap. Thoughts are running through his head, memories flashes before his eyes, voices, screams, echoing in his ears. And it's awful and he feels awful and he feels dirty and it's almost like he's feeling all the blood on his skin, mixing with all the sand around him and, and , and he needs to get out of here. He can't stay there for another minute, another second. He vaguely says excuse me to no one in particular and stands up and walks, runs towards the exit. He stops in the hall, and he leans forwards, his hands clutching his knees, his lungs struggling to get air in. He feels a hand, a cold one on his shoulder, and he leaps backwards and manages to hit the wall and he winces at the pain travelling his back.

 

“Steve, are you-” Bucky, of course, it's Bucky, who else would it be? And Steve almost wishes it wasn't him, wishes it was everyone else but him right now.

 

“Please don't.” He manages to say between panting sharp intakes of oxygen. “ Don't.. Don't..” He doesn't finish his thought, he can't.

 

He doesn't know how long he stays there, against the wall, taking deep breathes in, his eyes closed, trying to avoid listening to the noise in his brain. After a while, when his lungs are finally working fine on their own and he feels his heart slowing down its pace, and he can finally see straight again, he looks up at Bucky, who is still here watching cautiously, like he's a time-bomb about to explode at any given moment. And he's so mad, so fucking pissed at Bucky right now.

 

“Why? Why would you bring me here and do this?” Steve asks, and his voice shakes with anger and his whole body is shaking – but he's not sure if it's all on the anger. “Why would you bring me here and say all these lies?”

 

“Steve, I didn't lie?!” Bucky asks, confusion written all over his face. “ All I said was true. I am alive _thanks_ to you!”

 

“But you lost an arm because of me!” Steve screams, and he can't believe the words are leaving his mouth, leaving his brain. As if all that had been kept inside, bottled up inside of him just exploded.

 

“Steve..” Bucky starts but Steve doesn't let him continue.

 

“No, no, please don't say that I couldn't stop it, because I could have. I could have if we had just waited a few more hours, made sure that the cost was clear, made sure that the area was safe!” Steve feels the tears as images flashes before his eyes again, as he remembers the blood pouring out of Bucky's shoulder, the weight of Bucky on his back as he walked them out of there, he remembers the sight of both of their blood dripping, mixing with the sand under his feet.

 

“Steve, you're not responsible.” Bucky says and he has a hand on Steve's shoulder. “ I know.. I know there's a lot we can't control in our lives, we can't always control every thing that happens to us, but we can control how we react to them. If life gives us a bad lemon, we don't push it away and pretend it doesn't exist. We keep it, and see what good it can bring us. Because it does. I swear to you, it does.”

 

Steve listens to him, waits for his words to being registered by his brain but they don't, they don't because the noise is too loud and his chest still hurts and he's still mad and he can't be here right now. He shakes Bucky's hand away from his shoulder and takes a few steps back.

 

“I can't, I can't do this. I have to leave.” And he's gone, his feet take him away, far away from here, from Bucky. Tears are running down his face, and he feels like an absolute mess. He just needs to leave, to be away. He needs his brain to stop, he just wants it to stop.

 

He finds himself in Sunset Park, watching over the water, he hears kids in the far distance, but their laughs and screams of joy don't quite reach his ears like they used to. He just stands there, watching the water, watching the current take away the few leaves on the shore, taking them away somewhere, probably somewhere better Steve is sure. He wishes the waves could take away all of his pain just as easily as it takes those leaves. For a brief moment, he thinks about jumping, jumping into the bay, he wonders if the waves would take him away as willingly as they take those leaves. He watches and wonders and he wants to sink, he wants to sink at the bottom of the bay and never come up.

 

He gets home in the early evening, his legs ache under him, as much as his head does and he's tired, and he wants nothing more than to go to bed. He quickly realizes that the shower isn't helping in soothing his pain away, and he wonders if he's hurting so much on the inside that it's finally catching up on the outside. He feels so useless, right now, such a waste. With a sigh, he gives up on the shower and gets out, he puts on a loose t-shirt and some sweatpants, which are probably dirty but he doesn't care right now. He grabs his bottle of melatonin pills, and downs two pills. He knows he's only supposed to have one to go to sleep but right now, he wants to sleep for centuries.

He's about to go to bed, when he hears a knock on his door. His first instinct is to not answer, not go and open the door, because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to, it's probably Bucky wanting to talk but Steve doesn't want to talk, he only wants to sleep, sleep, and sleep for decades, centuries.

But his feet take him to his door, and he takes a deep breath in, bracing himself for whatever Bucky is going to say. His hand shakes as he turns the doorknob and he pulls, and it's not Bucky, it's not and it's Tony. And Steve doesn't know why his heart's pace suddenly slows down and becomes normal again, and he's not sure if it's an illusion but his headache seems to go away, and his body seems to suddenly be fine and not tired anymore, but he hates it. He hates that he looks at Tony and all of sudden his world is peace.

 

But he doesn't want Tony to see that, no he can't, he can't let Tony see that he's his everything, he is Steve's everything. But no, right now Steve can't have his everything.

 

“If you have something to say, then can it wait another time? I really want to sleep right now.” He says as he turns back into the apartment, heading to his bedroom, because he needs to sleep. He needs to.

 

“It's only 8:45pm..” He hears Tony say and he hears the door shutting behind him.

 

“It's been a long day.” Steve says, and he wants to say more but he leaves it at that, because it's a lot and he feels the pills starting to work their magic.

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

“No.” He hates how quickly he answers, hates how now Tony probably knows that something is wrong.

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

“No.” And he hates how quickly he answers to this as well. But he's in his bed already so it's fine, it's fine he'll just go to sleep and forget about this awful day. “Just.. I just need to sleep, okay?” He adds, and he wants to say more, he wants to say that he missed Tony, that he is happy that he's here, that even though Steve wants to be alone, he doesn't want Tony to leave. Steve feels Tony next to him, settling in the couch, and there, right then, he doesn't feel so bad, the pain is eased a little, and he thinks that maybe, just maybe he'll be alright.

 

 

When he wakes up, he's met by a pair of brown eyes, wide open, a bit red but full of fondness, full of admiration. And Steve's brain is not completely awake yet, and Steve likes that, when his mind isn't completely functional yet and the details are slowly forming into his mind so he indulges into that state of unawareness for as long as he can. He looks at Tony, looks as Tony stares at him, openly and Steve loves the way Tony looks at him, he looks at him in ways no one else does. They keep staring at each other for a while, the sun rays have started to peak through the curtains and Tony's lips slowly tug upwards.

 

“Why are you smiling?” Steve asks in a whisper.

 

“You look like a god right now.”

 

Steve frowns. “ I don't.”

 

“Well,the sun in your hair tends to tell me different.” Tony keeps smiling at him and Steve is suddenly reminded of everything. Pepper. The cheating. His issues. The wedding. The cheating.

_Thanks, brain._

 

“Have you told her yet?” He doesn't need to ask who he's talking about, and the smile leaving Tony's lips gives him his answer, and he sighs and he turns and lies on his back. “When Tony?”

 

“Soon.” Tony answers and it's so vague, Steve hates the word, he wants to rip the word in two. “Are you going to tell me why you take sleeping pills?” Steve turns his head back to Tony, frowning. “They're sitting on your nightstand Steve, and you slept for _eleven hours_ straight like a baby. Even as a kid, you never slept like this.”

 

“Leave it, Tony.” And Steve rises and sits on the edge of the bed, his back to Tony.

 

“What's going on?” Tony says, and he's closer now, and Steve feels his warm on his arm, and Tony's breath on his neck. “Steve.. talk to me.”

 

“I really don't..” And he bites the inside of his cheeks and doesn't finish his thought, he can't finish it, he just can't.

 

“You asked me if I wanted you. I do, I do want you, but not just physically. I want you emotionally. I want to know what's bothering you inside.” Tony says against his skin, and Steve leaves a fond sigh when he feels Tony's lips in the crook of his neck, and he hates himself for loving this, for wanting more. He hates himself for longing Tony's bare skin against his own, for longing endless touches, and deep kisses and just more, more of this, more of him, more of _them_.

 

“What's bothering me is that you're still engaged to her.” He states, and it's not a lie, but it's not all of it either.

 

“Stop that.”

 

“Tony, I'm serious.”

 

“No, the biting your cheek thing. Stop it. You're hurting yourself.” Tony explains, and his knuckles ghost over Steve's cheek, and go to rest on his shoulder, and oh, oh, how did he..- “ I know you better than anyone else, Steve. And I know something else is bothering you.”

 

Steve isn't even surprised, because Tony does know better than anyone else, and vice versa and it's funny how they are here; who would have thought a skinny orphan from Brooklyn would one day find himself in the arms of a Manhattan heir? Steve chuckles at the thought and turns to Tony, and they're so close, their faces are only inches away from eachother. Steve would only have to lean it if he wanted to reach for a kiss. But he thinks about Pepper, and how stressed and worried she was and his concience comes back biting at him and it's awful, because he hasn't kissed Tony in so long, he just wants to see if he still tastes the same , if he hasn't changed. And he watches into these big brown, doe eyes and god, he loves those eyes and they're his weakness, but he can't, he can't.

 

“Can we lay down for a while?” He asks, and he thinks that if he can't kiss Tony then at least he can lay down next to him. “Please?”

 

Tony searches for his eyes, he searches for something, and if he finds it then he doesn't act on it, but he does lay back down, and drag Steve with him, and Tony buries his face into Steve's chest, and Steve feels Tony's fingers playing on his back, tracing maps and the touch is so delicate, and the brunette falls asleep after a while and Steve doesn't, he just holds him, listening to his bestfriend's breathing, the only thing grounding him right now.

 


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's been a long wait for a ver bad chapter but I just didn't know how to write it, and I am not happy with how it turned out but hey. There you go.   
> Let me know what you think about this long overdue moment!

**lv**. _atonement // the action of making amends for a wrong or an injury_

 

Tony inhales Steve's scent and instinctively draws him closer, as if there is still space left to fill between the two of them. His body is still sort of asleep, still in this state of bliss where nothing could never hurt, could never touch either of them. He knows he eventually has to get up and face reality , but right now, in Steve's arms, with his beautiful fragrance filling him whole, nothing else seems to matter. It seems as if it's always been like this, Steve and him, him and Steve, together, always. He remembers the times when they were kids, and when Tony was in boarding school – stupid, boring school – and they would spend hours on the phone , it was the school phone, shared by all the boys on his floor, and Tony was the one to use most of his phone privileges, mostly for Steve, also his mother, but mostly Steve. Now to think of it, he's surprised he never caught on his feelings earlier. Steve has always been the light of his life, always been the brightest part of his days. He realizes he always had admired Steve, always loyal, always just, always right Steve.

 

“I can hear you thinking.”

 

Tony scoffs in Steve's chest, and hides further in his lover's chest. “Just reminiscing.” He whispers, before reaching up slightly to plant a kiss in Steve's neck. The gesture earns him a soft smile and Tony's heart jumps in his chest and god, is it normal to be so delirously happy when you're in love? Is it?

 

“About what?”

 

“When we were kids.” Tony answers, against Steve's neck. “Thinking about how cute you were as a child.”

 

“ _Were_?” Steve retorts and Tony doesn't see it but he knows Steve is cockily smirking at him, an eyebrow raised. “Wow, thanks, a real boost for my ego.”

 

“Oh come on!” Tony rubs his nose against his jaw.” You were cute back then but you're hella hot right now.”

 

“Oh god. I can't believe you just said that.” Steve says but there's a smile at the end of that and Tony reaches to kiss it. It's sweet and he feels Steve sigh against him and he'll lie saying it's not a pride everytime he does that.

 

But the smile is gone in a moment and then a hand on Tony's chest is all it takes to know their moment of complicity, of simple pure bliss is gone, vanished, replaced by reality. He backs away a little, and he can see Steve's face a bit better now, and he's beautiful, and Tony realizes then that he has to break off the engagement, because this, _this right there_ , is what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to quit Steve because he has to go back, no, he doesn't want to quit Steve at all. He wants Steve to be the first thing he sees in the morning and the last he sees at night. He wants Steve's voice to be the last thing he hears. He wants to be able to kiss Steve, to hold his hand out in public, to talk to him without wondering if someone will catch his eyes lingering on him for too long. He wants to be able to say freely that Steve is his home, he wants to scream that he's in love from the rooftops.

 

“I love you.” And that's all Tony can say in that moment, and it's the first time he has really said it to Steve, with the sole purpose of expressing his feelings, and not teasing or as a joke. No, he loves Steve and he wants him to know. He wants Steve to know that he's everything, that Tony loves him with all his heart, all of his being, that if need be, he'd do anything for him. Anything.

 

But Steve doesn't say anything, doesn't answer, doesn't say it back – which is fine, Tony doesn't expect him to –, he just stares at Tony, guilt and regret all over his face. “You should go back.” It's only a whisper, and there's a broken sound at the end of his voice and Steve is biting his cheek again, Tony knows, he knows whenever Steve is doing it because his own chest tightens and something inside of him is hurting when Steve does. Tony reaches up once again, his hand resting on Steve's cheek, rubbing his thumb over the skin; and he feels the knot inside of him loosen and he sighs at the ridiculousness of it all. Why, why is it that they didn't do anything about their feelings as kids? They should have, _he_ should have, Tony thinks, and now it's too complicated, too messy, too late to make things right, he thinks.

 

“We still need to talk, okay?” Tony says, and he watches Steve nod quietly. Tony presses one last kiss on his cheek, before getting up from the bed. He turns to look at Steve one last time, and something inside of him tells him _don't, don't leave him, he needs you._ Tony listens to that little voice and wonders if he should listen to it. Something inside of him this is the last time he's going to see Steve, in this bed, in this light, in this situation. Something tells him this is the last time they are going to see eachother. Somethings tells him that when he steps back in this apartment, everything will be different. Good different, or bad different, now that Tony isn't sure of.

 

 

 

He waits, his fingers tapping on the table, the sun is warming up his left thigh and he tries to push the feeling to the side but the longer he waits, his brain keeps coming back to the heat on his leg, and-

 

“Hi Tony!”

 

He looks up at Wanda's voice, she's wearing a pretty summer dress under a light cardigan and her long, wavy brown hair are beautifully framing her face. She's smiling at him as she walks towards him and he gets up, smiling at her. She hugs him and they both sit down at the table.

 

“Hey, is everything okay?” She asks, as she drops her bag at her feet. “ I was surprised when you called.”

 

“Yeh, hum, I..” Tony doesn't know where to start, he wants to tell her everything. The words are just on his tongue, he just needs to open his mouth and let them out. “Do you think Icarus and Apollo could have made it?” _Okay, what?_

 

Wanda is probably just as surprised as he is,as judged by her furrowed brows and tilted head. “What do you mean?” He's thankful she doesn't ask why he's talking about greek myths, after calling her in the middle of the day. He himself wouldn't even know what to say.

 

“I mean, do you think if Icarus had found a way to reach Apollo when he had been on earth or if I had just worked on his wings a bit better, if Apollo had reached back.. what do you think would have happened? Do you think they would have made it?”

 

Wanda looks at him, and he feels like he's at the doctor, like he's scrutinized under a matifying glass. She watches him with her big green eyes, and he suddenly wonders about her brother.

 

“I think they could have.” She says after a while. “Maybe not in their times though. There was a lot on Apollo's shoulders, a lot Icarus couldn't handle, and there was a lot that Icarus longed for that Apollo couldn't give. But since I believe in the idea of soulmates, I like to think that in another time, another life, another era, they find eachother again and make it right.”

 

“You believe in soulmates?” Tony asks.

 

“Don't you?” She says with a slight smile. “ The idea that there's someone out there, waiting for you so you can spend the rest of your life together.”

 

“Have you found yours?”

 

“My brother was my soulmate. He knew all of me and I knew all of him. He just.. left too soon.” She clears a throat a little and readjusts herself on the chair. “And you? Have you found yours?”

 

Tony doesn't have to think before his mind screams _Steve_. It's always been Steve, always been him, always been Steve since they were kids, always been the two of them, they always knew eachother, always figured out what the other felt before they did themselves. It's Steve.

 

“It's Steve.” She says, and it's not a question and Tony meets her eyes again, and she's smiling at him. “It's always been him, right?”

 

He sighs, and it's crazy that he's sitting here, in front of a 19 years old girl, talking about greek mythology and speaking secrets.

 

“How do I make this right, Wanda?” And he doesn't know why he's asking her, of all people. “How do I make this right without hurting anyone else?”

 

“Do what you believe is right. Do it and accept the consequences.” Wanda says, and she sounds so fragile as she speaks those words, as if she did some things herself where she had to accept the consequences of her own actions.

 

Tony sighs and rubs his hands all over his face. “ Unrf, I'm sorry. I'm dragging you into this mess when I shouldn't..”

 

“It's okay, you're a friend. Friends talk to eachother.” She offers him a comforting smile but there's the ghost of sadness in her eyes, and Tony wonders if it's her brother, or something else.

 

“But hey! Tell me about you!” He exclaims, putting on a bright smile. “ How was Anchorage?”

 

She smiles wider and starts talking about the roadtrip, and Tony smiles as he listens to her, and he's thankful, he's thankful for her, thanful that she's understanding, thankful that she doesn't ask questions, thanful for her presence. So he listens to her and listens and smiles and laughs and thanks life for her.

 

 

He's not thankful for Pepper at the moment, though. For some reason, now that he's willing to admit everything, willing to lay it all out – the confession is literally on the tip of his tongue and he's ready to spill everything to the next person he meets – she decides to somehow-possibly-not-on-purpose- avoid him. He waits for her at night, he tries to wake up early so he can talk to her in the morning. He even tries to make an appointment with her, but that goes downhill when Stane steps up and keeps her away for a whole afternoon. It's only four days after that, that he finally finds her in the living room one late afternoon, her laptop resting on her lap, her long hair cascading on one of her shoulders. He thinks she's beautiful and he braces himself for what he's about to do.

 

“Hey!” He makes his presence known and takes the remaning steps towards her. She looks up at him, and gives him a small once-over before going back to her typing and he suddenly feels self-concious about his looks – he's been locked in the workshop since yesterday and hasn't had anything close to a proper full-meal or a shower, he's probably covered in grease and smelling like sweat. Well, too late to back up now. This is where it all goes to hell, he thinks.

 

“Are you busy?” He questions as he sits next to her, still leaving some distance between them. “ I've been wanting to talk about something for a while now.” He adds when he sees she doesn't really react.

 

She looks at him again and she studies him for a second. “ What is it?” She asks, and he can hear the worry in her voice, and he swallows hard, gathering up his courage.

 

“Okay, hum...” He starts but he doesn't know what he should say next. He can't just say it.. it's too much.. too cruel. But well, he should have thought about that before he slept with someone else. “There's no other way to say this so.. I am just going to say it.” He takes a deep breath and looks at her, and the frown on her forehead always makes him want to stop right there, come up with some lie and just go away, run away with Steve maybe, but no, he can't. He has to be the bigger person here.

 

“I slept with someone else.” The words are out and he watches them leave his mouth and reach her, he sees how she process the information, how her face translates everything she's feeling – confusion, hurt , pain, anger. “I am sorry.”

 

She doesn't speak, doesn't say anything, she just lowers the screen of her laptop and stares at her hands. Tony wishes she would do something, anything, he wishes she would hit him, would scream, yell at him. Anything, he'd take it.

 

“I knew it..” She says after a while, her voice is low, almost a whisper to herself really. “I knew something was up.” She turns to him and he clearly sees the tears welling up in her eyes. “ What's happening now?”

 

Tony would lie if he said he wasn't expecting her reaction, he expected screams, yells, anything but this. “Hum.. I can make an announcement saying that the wedding is off. Or if you want to do it together, we can. But I .. I am not going to marry you Pep'.” He says the last words carefully, with big caution. He waits for the blow, for the slap he can feel coming – he deserves it, he tells himself. But it never comes, no, just a sigh and a nod.

 

“Do you love them?” She asks and he's taken aback by her question. She is looking at him straight in the eyes and he knows he has to be honest. For her sake, for the sake of their friendship.

 

“I do love him yes.” He admits and the words rolls so easily on his tongue, it's a surprise for him really. He doesn't realize what he said he sees Pepper raises an eyebrow.

 

“Him?” She repeats. “ Wait.. is it .. is it Steve?” And she scoffs when he avoids her eyes. “ Of course, it's him, who else.”

 

Tony feels uneasy then, he feels his fingers itching, itching for a contact, but not anyone's, he knows his skin is calling out for Steve , he's been aching for his bestfriend, his lover, for days now. He can feel it in his heart, in his bones. He slightly nods to her, and he meets her eyes.

 

“God.. I .. I am not even mat at you.” Pepper continues. “I mean.. when you first brought him home, I found it cute that you two were so close and connected, then the more I saw the two of you? I just.. I kept telling myself that there was nothing more, but.. there is. There clearly always has been something between the two of you.” She is looking at him and she has a small smile and it's hurting him because .. this isn't a situation where you smile, right?

 

“You're not mad?” he questions, still confused.

 

“I am mad, but I guess I am more mad at myself for not seeing it earlier.” She says wiping her tears on her cheek. Her eyes suddenly widens and she turns to him. “ The invitations!”

 

He is even more confused now, she smacks his arm, and explains herself. “The invitations were sent out days ago! By now Steve probably already received his!”

 

At the sounds of her words, Tony goes livid. He can _literally feel_ the blood leave his brain. Oh no. An uneasy feeling settles in his stomach, and he stands up, his body is telling, shouting for him to find Steve, to find him and tell him that it's all over, that the whole wedding is off and they can be together now. But the knot in his stomach doesn't leave him and his whole body itches, he's got a bad feeling.

 

“I need to find him.” He says and he doens't look at Pepper, and he doesn't feel guilty for leaving her but it's Steve, it's _his soulmate_. Any minute away from him is a waste of time and he's running out of that specifically. He leaves, runs down to the workshop , where his phone is and once he finds it, he speed-dials Steve's number, and waits, waits, waits. The ringtone succeeds themselves, and there's no voice that cuts it, nothing to stop the ringing and Tony's patience is running thin. Without hanging up, he grabs the first set of keys and goes to his car. He doesn't want to think about how Steve would react if he already get his invitation. God, why?! Why is nothing going right ? Tony's mind was racing with worst case scenarios, his fingers franctically trying to type a text message to Steve,hoping he'll see it and get it in time. He breaks a few speed laws on his way to Steve's apartment, he's sure about that, but right now he couldn't care less. He just wants, wishes he could get there faster.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, any guesses on what's coming next? Let me know, feedback is highly appreciated!   
> Oh and, anyone interested in a Bucky x Wanda side story to this?


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW : Thoughts and talks of suicide in the most recent chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer , and if you already started school then I hope you're enjoying that in any way possible!   
> Here's the long-overdue Steve chapter! I had to re-write three times because it was triggering for me. BEWARE : It contains direct thoughts of suicide so if you're uncomfortable with that, please be careful. You can always skip this chapter, it's okay. STAY SAFE MY LOVES!   
> Enjoy the chapter regardless, eventhough it's hella sad!

**lvi**. s _uicidal // deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide_

 

 

Steve waves Wanda and Laura goodbye as they step further away from his building. His arms are full of grocery bags and his heart is full of fondness and affection. It was Laura's idea to go to the farmer's market; she invited him for their usual sunday roast tomorrow and she asked about Tony but Steve only shrugged. Tony hasn't called, nor texted him in three days and Steve would lie if he said it didn't sting a little. He's telling himself he's stupid, he's stupid for still waiting on him, he's stupid for still hoping he and Tony have a chance at happiness. He feels like that all of their chances have been wasterd, thrown away a long time ago, but it's fine. It really is, Steve likes to tell himself that they're lucky they live in the same world, at the same time. Imagine never meeting your soulmate, _now that's a tragedy_ Steve thinks.

 

He's still smiling as he nods at his doorman, on his way to check his mail. He juggles with his bags and manages to open his mailbox. He grabs all the envelops and heads for the elevator. Once in his apartment, he drops all his groceries on the counter and he starts on his lunch. He takes the small paper Laura gave him : it's a recipe for a pasta dish, with a sauce made with chicken breast filets. He remembers she made it once and he had asked her how she had done it, she had winked at him and promised to give him her secret recipe. Now, will it be as good as hers? Steve isn't sure, but he makes himself the promise to follow each step carefully.

 

Ten phone calls later, and after almost burning his kitchen, he's finally serving himself a plate. The sauce doesn't look too bad, and he's proud of how good it smells. Halfway through eating, he decides to go through his mail; taking the stack of envelops , he leans back in his chair, flicking through them. Bills, bills, a letter from the U.S Military Coordinator it seems, and a very fancy pastel orange square envelop. He leaves the bills on the side and goes through the letter first. He feels his chest tightening as he reads the words on the paper; he lets the letter fall from his fingers. Grabbing his hair in frustration, a deep sigh escaping his lips, he lets his brain process the words, but not without feeling a headache coming up. Steve shakes his head, he'll deal with a request for an assignment later. He takes the fancy envelop, and opens it.

And immediately regrets it.

 

_Anthony Edward Stark & Virginia Potts _

_wish to invite you to their wedding_

_which will take place on August 13 th _

_at the Stark Mansion in Upstate New York._

 

_We hope to see you participate in our union, on this day_

 

_With hope to hear confirmation from you soon_

 

_Anthony Edward Stark and Virginia Potts_

 

  
Steve's eyes scans the words on the shiny paper, and he feels his heart breaking into a billion pieces in his chest, and he's not so sure he can pick them up right now. He's not sure he can be fixed right now, not sure he's supposed to be fixed. He can feel sadness filling his bones, taking over the remaining piece of his heart, turning him numb. It's awful how stupid he has been, how stupid he is to have thought that Tony would actually break his engagement. He hadn't broke it the first time Steve asked, why would he even break it now? He wouldn't, of course he wouldn't. Why would Tony give up Pepper, strong, organized, sane, _perfect_ Pepper for messy, stubborn, impulsive Steve? A laugh escapes him, and soon enough he's laughing hysterically as he stares at the invitation. It's ridiculous, he thinks. He was waiting, he realized, he was waiting for Tony, he was waiting for Tony to realize that Steve loves him, he was waiting on Tony to see everything Steve could give and much more, everything he was _willing_ to give. He was waiting on Tony to give back too, he realizes; he was waiting on his love, on his soul, on his heart. He was waiting to have Tony, completely, he was waiting to be able to trace his love, to mark Tony as his and completely his without an ounce of regret. He was waiting to show his love without this feeling of holding back all the time. He had been waiting, for so long, all his life it seems, always waiting for Tony to show up. He doesn't even realize he's crying until he sees the invitation slowly being stained with his tears. He quickly wipes them away, and pushes himself off of his stool.

 

“It's fine, you're fine, everything is fine..” He whispers to himself, but it's a lie and he knows it, the pain in his chest hasn't stopped, his body is going more and more numb by the second. He needs to leave, he needs to go, he needs to breathe, he needs to be out of this room, right now.

 

 

He finds himself walking around Downtown , his feet taking further and further away from his apartment, further from the place that holds so many memories with Tony. Memories that Steve wishes his brain would push aside and forget right now, but no, it seems as if that's all it can focus about. With each step, he's been replaying each memory and trying to figure out if everything was a lie. The first kiss, the next ones, the sweet words, all the times Tony came back to him when he didn't have to, everything they told eachother between the sheets, everytime they made love, every trace Tony left on his body, every silent declaration of love in the deep night ... Was it really love? Was it really true? Steve isn't sure but his answer is leaning more towards the negative right now.

 

He stops by the shore and stares into the distance, over the river, watching the sun illuminate the city on the other side of the East River, the breeze is strong but not too strong that it's cold, but it does collide with the waves and the colors reflecting on the water are only more beautiful. He stares as kids run along the little walking dock, chasing the shadows, chasing one another as their parents watch lovingly. Steve wants to smile, he wants to smile at their carefreeness, he wants to, and probably in another life, he would have smiled , but right now, all he can do is wish he were them. He wishes he was still a kid, before twelve, before he met Tony, before his mom died, before his world turned upside down and nothing had been the same. He wishes he could go back.

 

Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he stares at the screen for a few minutes before clicking on Tony's number. Air stuck in his throat, he wishes Tony doesn't pick up. But he'll lie, saying his heart doesn't break when the voicemail annoucement starts. Long after the beep , he stays speechless, unable to say a word, and he feels about hanging up but then again, he feels like it's the only chance he's got at some real honesty and he's not about to let it again.

 

“I've got the invitation.. To your wedding”, he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, trying to focus, “And I need to say this because I guess I never will get the chance to say this otherwise. I love you. I've always loved you but I need to let go now. It hurts too much. I can't..”, another deep breath, “I can't stand there next to you, watching you marry her when I have been waiting for you to love me all my life. I can't.. I am sorry I am not strong enough.”

 

Feeling tears on the edge of falling, he quickly hangs up and pinches the bridge of his nose. _Don't cry, don't fucking cry,_ he thinks. But he does, and wiping the tears away doesn't help in stopping the ones that keep falling and he feels the numbness leave his body and being replaced by _everything._ The pain, the hurt, the sadness, everything hits him at once, and it's way too much, and he feels dizzy, and he's blinded by the salt tears escaping his blue eyes. _Why, why, why_ , he keeps telling himself. Why couldn't he be enough? Why didn't the person he loves chose him? Why is he still waiting for something? Why is he still waiting to wake up from this nightmare? Why?

 

His train of thoughts is broken by a sudden scream. He looks around and notices the same family from earlier. The mother is gripping the rail, yelling a name at the water, and Steve sees the father jumping in the water, and one of the other kids is crying loudly and Steve sees a kid debating in the water while his father is swimming towards him but the wind and the current isn't helping and Steve doesn't think as he runs and jumps over the rail too. The water is cold and he dives in , he's closer to the father but he can get to the child, he knows he can, he's always been a fast swimmer, he knows he can do this. And he does, he does, he had the child in his arms in a few laps and the father is close behind him and Steve watches as he has the man grabs his child and gives him a nod before swimming off, and for a minute or two, Steve follows them, swims against the current but he's cold and he's tired, and the adrenaline is leaving his body and at some point he stops crawling, his arms go limp, and his body is sinking and it's fine. It's all fine, it's cold but it's not that bad. He's holding his breath and it doesn't hurt much, it does, but he can handle it. Everything is black around him, he's taken away by the water; it's peaceful, his heart is about to explode from the pressure though, so as a last move, he opens his mouth finally, and the pain stops, the water rushes in and it all stops to hurt. And Steve is not scared as he closes his eyes, he's not afraid, he's at peace.

 

 

_The patient was found in the East River, he jumped after a child almost drowned, we don't know how long he was in the water._

_He's cold, we need to warm him and ressusitate him._

_Charge 300!_

 

**Stop!**

 

_Charge 350!_

 

**Please, stop!**

 

**Please, please, please..**

 

 

Light. That's what wakes him up. Not pain, not the utter silence that scares him. It's the light behind his eyes that startles him awake. Then confusion. He opens his eyes, and the light hurts a little, but he keeps them open to adjust. He finds himself in a bright room, he's alone, and if it wasn't the constant beeping, he would be afraid, but he's been in enough medical care to know what a hospital room sounds like. He sighs, trying to think about the water, how good it felt to be under the water, how good it was to be at peace. He almost wants to go back.

 

He's ''disturbed'' by a nurse coming in – but is it really disturbing someone if they're not really doing anything? - , and she startles when she sees he's awake but then gives him a wide smile and Steve wants to tell her to not smile, that he doesn't deserve her smile, that he should be at the bottom of East River, lifeless, gone. But no, he does none of that, he just stares as she approaches him.

 

“Hi, my name is Valerie, I was one of the nurse who was present when you were brought in. You were found in the East River, do you remember any of that?”

 

Steve silently nods, and she continues. “ Good, we couldn't found any ID on you so, can you tell me your name?”

 

“Steve, Steve Rogers.” She takes the clipboard at the end of his bed and writes it down. She doesn't look up at him, so he adds “ How long was I unconcious?”

 

“The family that brought you in said that you had tried to save their boy but got carried away by the current. According to the costguard, you must have been in the water for thirty minutes before they pull you out. We ressucitated you and you've been here for four hours total.” She looks up from the clipboard and Steve notices her shifting gaze. “ I need to ask you more questions if you don't mind.”

 

Steve wonders what more she could possibly want to ask him right now. He almost wants to tell her no, that he only wants to sleep, he wants to go back to the East River and go back underwater. But no, he nods instead and she proceeds.

 

“Have you ever been into any kind of accident?”

 

“I was in the military.” He says, a lump in his throat.

 

“Okay.. Hum, have you experienced episodes of high anxiety?”

 

He looks at her, his eyes narrowing at her choice of words. He thinks about every nightmare he had, he thinks about the time he had to call Bucky just to make sure he was fine, he thinks about the 4th of July parade when he was boiling in his uniform and he literally jumped at the sound of gunfires and cried afterwards. “No.”

 

“Have you ever had any suicidal thoughts?”

 

He stares at her, and he really, really wishes he could go back in the depth of the East River. “ Why are you asking me this?”

 

She puts down the clipboard and looks at him for a few seconds. “ We found no signs of struggle for air in your trachea , your aorta wasn't majorly swollen which means that your heart didn't race as you lacked for oxygen. Which means that you didn't fight. That only happens on two cases, one when the patient was hit and knocked unconcious before they drown, which couldn't have happened to you since there are witnesses to prove that you weren't, and two,” she pauses and he braces himself, “ when they don't want to fight, which can be a sign of suicidal behaviour. So I am asking you, have you ever had any suicidal thoughts?”

 

“Do you really think I'd be here if I wanted to die?” Steve snaps, and he doesn't know what comes over him but he's suddenly angry. Angry at her, angry at Tony, angry at Pepper, angry at the world. Angry with himself.

 

The nurse looks at her, and puts back the clipboard against his bed. “Due to our policy, we are going to keep you for 24 hours, for your own safety. If you wish to call someone so they can visit, we can make that happen for you.”

 

He sighs, wishing he could control himself. He nods and she grabs the pen and little notebook in her front pocket to note down the number. She leaves him after this and he's comforted in the silence and when he closes his eyes, he can almost feel like he's outside of this too bright room, like he's back in the water, taken away by the sweet soundless cocoon of the river.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. Whose number did it give?


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double Steve chapter. If you're wondering why I didn't just incorporate this segment into the last chapter, it's because each chapter deal with a specific theme and feeling for the character. And Steve's wake up call is here, but will continue onto his next part. Also, i am starting school next week, i am in my second year of uni so I won't be writing much, but I WILL finish this story. We're actually very close to the end. Only a few chapters, so I will do my best to write it in the best way.   
> I hope you enjoy this little part. What do you think Tony's reaction is going to be once he learns what Steve did?

**lvii**. _wake up call // a thing that alerts people to an unsatisfactory situation and prompts them to remedy it_

 

 

The nurse comes back, not alone this time, Bucky following her, carefully. For a moment, Steve is thankful that Bucky came, but when he sees the look in Bucky's eyes, he knows the following discussion won't be pleasing for either of them. The nurse leaves, and it's silent after that. Neither of the two men speak and Steve so badly wants to talk, to say something, anything but nothing comes out and Bucky is avoiding his eyes and Steve watches as his best friend's hands are tight around the metal rail at the end of the bed. His knuckles are turning white and Steve can feel the anger radiating from him, and .. well, he would be angry too.

 

“She said they have to keep you because you're showing suicidal behaviour.”

 

It's not a question, because Bucky is not trying to get an information; it's a statement, a fact that he's just pointing. Steve tries to adjust himself in the bed, tries to sit up a bit more so he can be at the same eye level with Bucky. His brunette friend doesn't say anything as he does so, doesn't try to help.

 

“You know, I've tried to give you time, tried to make sure that the decision came from you. I really tried my best to make sure that whatever happened came from _you_ , that in the long run _you_ would be the one to see that you needed help.. But I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of watching you on this road of self-destruction. So, it's either you decide to talk to someone and everyone will support you all the way, or ,” Bucky takes a deep breath and Steve feels his heart clenching in his chest, “ you just continue on your way but I won't be there to support you.”

 

Nothing could have prepared Steve for the words Bucky said. Never in the world Steve would have ever be thought Bucky would ever be so.. honest with him. Of course, their friendship is based on mutual love and respect and admiration for the other, and they have always been bluntly honest with each other, but right now, Steve feels like their friendship is heading downhill.

 

“I didn't want to..” Steve starts to say but Bucky scoffs and shakes his head.

 

“Just stop it!” He exclaims and Steve is even more taken aback by his sudden outburst. He now feels the seriousness of the situation. “The more you lie to yourself about your problem the worse it's gonna get. It's been going on for months now, and I am not going to be the friend who ..” Bucky stops himself from saying his next words. He locks gaze with Steve and Steve holds his breath. “ I don't want to be the friend who has to identify your body at the morgue.”

 

The words linger in the air between them and Steve feels salty tears falling down, meeting his lips, and Bucky makes no move. He has to be honest, he has to be sincere for once.

 

“I'm.. I'm sorry. I didn't.. I didn't want to die, I just .. I thought..”, he takes in a deep breath before speaking again, “ I take these sleeping pills, I've been taking them for about a month now, because I.. there's just so much I'm feeling and I don't know how to deal with it, and when I am sleeping I don't have to deal with these problems so I just take them and..”

 

He's stumbling on his words, and his cheeks are flushed and wet from crying, and Bucky breaks the step between them to come sit on the bed next to Steve. “Why didn't you tell me?” and Bucky's own voice breaks and Steve meets his eyes through his teary own, and he sees the worry on his bestfriend, his brother's face, and that feeling, that feeling he knows so well, the guilt, overwhelming feeling of never being good enough.

 

“Steve, you're my brother.. If you go through with something, I am here for you.. You don't have to go through anything alone anymore..” Bucky tells him and they're both crying and Steve thinks it must look ridiculous, the two of them, full grown adults crying like kids in this hospital room. Steve nods at Bucky and he's not sure if he's truly okay, but right now he wants to believe he is.

 


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long overdue, but here it is. I hope you enjoy it.   
> We only have three chapters before we close this story so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the next ones. Let me know what you think :)   
> ( And let me know if you're still reading this haha! )   
> Take lovelies, Love always <3

**lviii**.   _karma //_ _the  cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person'sdeeds in the previous _ _incarnation._

 

“Tony? Tony? Are you okay?”

 

_He's at the hospital._

 

“Tony?”

 

_Apparently, he fell into the river and the current dragged him for a while before lifeguards got him._

 

“ Tony... He's okay. He's fine, Bucky spoke with him. It's okay.”

 

_He's okay now, but he's still shook._

 

“Tony?”

 

Tony shook his head, trying to focus on the scene in front of him. The hospital corridor is mostly empty, except for a few people, Bucky, Sam, Wanda and him. It's funny how the last time he saw them, they were laughing, joking and now they're all deadly silent. Only Wanda's voice reaches his ears, yet he can't quite comprehend what she's saying, he's hearing it, but he can't seem to listen. He turns to her, and he feels her small hand on his wrist, holding it lightly, but tight enough so he can feel her there.

 

“I just..” The words are hard on his tongue, they sting his throat and the air comes in short waves. “I need a minute..” He leans against the wall, and slides against it, his whole body weak, but nothing at the same time. Can you feel so much that you become numb?

 

“It's okay.” Wanda is next to him now. “He's fine now..”

 

“It's not.. It's not just that.” He whispers. “I hate hospitals.” He can't say the next words on his mind because they're too much. His parents' bodies hidden under a plastic bag. The cold feeling of the morgue. The sterilized odor of the corridors. The look on people's faces. He hates hospitals.

 

“I hate them too.” And it strikes him how she relates to him. Her brother and her parents died in a car accident. Her whole family died in a place like this one. “ I liked to go to the nurse room, you know where all the babies are. That's what I did when my brother was in surgery,” she adds, “ I thought about praying but then I thought that if there was a God, then He wouldn't put my family and I on that road that day. But I would watch those little babies, those new-borns and I would think ' Wow.. is God real? Did He really create all these wonderful human beings?'”

 

“But your brother died.” He doesn't mean to be this blunt, but.. brother _did_ die. Her parents too, just like his.

 

She sighs. “ And my brother did die. And I like to think that he's still there, watching over me, next to my parents. Of course I would give anything for him to come back.” She turns to him, and he can see in her eyes that the next words out of her mouth are going to hit him right where it hurts. “ But Steve is in there, alive and safe, and waiting for you. He's been waiting for you for a while now. He needs you, just as much as you need him. It's okay if you're scared, but don't leave him alone.”

 

She squeezes his knee and he takes a deep breath before getting up. She's right, Steve needs him. He needs him more than ever. He walks to the door, and braces himself before turning the knob. Steve is with Clint, and they're looking at a drawing, probably done by the kids, Steve is smiling slightly but he looks pale, he looks empty. He takes his first step in the room and Steve notices him first. It's funny how Steve can be pale as a ghost and Tony would still him call him beautiful. But right now, he needs to put his feelings aside and focus on the blonde in front of him.

 

“Hum, I'll let you two talk.”

 

Clint passes by Tony and shuts the door as he leaves. The air is thick as the door shuts, and Tony is not sure if his lungs are functionning correctly or if he's about to cry. Steve is not smiling at him and Tony is desperately trying to break the space between them but his feet are buried in the ground.

 

“Hey..” He talks first and he walks slowly towards Steve's bed. He's not really sure if he should sit on the edge of the bed or stand next to it? Should he reach for Steve's hand? He doesn't.”How do you feel?”

 

Steve shrugs and looks away, he leans back on his cushion a bit, and Tony can see his lover's body tense. “ I'm fine.” Steve says while he's fidgetting with the hem of the duvet placed on him.

 

“What happened exactly?” Tony asks. “Wanda said you tried to save a couple of children..”

 

“If that's what she's saying.” Steve says simply.

 

“Steve... Talk to me.” Tony pleads, his voice on the verge of breaking.

 

“How's the wedding planning going?” Steve asks, looking up and Tony is taken aback by Steve's words. “ Lovely invitation by the way, love the color palette.” Steve adds, disdain and anger thick in his voice.

 

“Steve, it's..”

 

“Oh it's not what I think? Oh then please explain it to me, please explain to me should I come as your wedding as your best man or the ring bringer maybe? Which one would make me look more of an idiot?”

 

“I told her!” Tony exclaims, and for a second he thinks about everyone outside in the corridor and wonder if they're going to barge in the room but another second passes and no one comes in and the look on Steve's face is one of confusion.

 

“But.. I got the invitation yesterday and..” Steve says and he's shaking his head and Tony reaches out and grabs his hand.

 

“I told her, and the wedding is off.” Tony tries to explain simply. “But, that's beyond the point right now. What happened to you yesterday?” Steve only stares at their hands intertwined and Tony squeezed and holds it a bit tighter. “Steve, I love you and I really want to be with you but you have to tell me what's going on.” Tony is out of breath and there's tears at the edge of his eyes and his hearts are pulling at his core, and the tension in the room is suffocating.

 

His eyes are blurry, wet from the tears, but he can still see Steve and how the blonde man is looking right back. Tony feels like he's going to speak but moments come and go and nothing happens and Tony is on the verge of breaking.

 

“Do you remember when we were kids and you didn't come home after ..” Steve's words are left hanging in the air and Tony knows exactly what he doesn't say. “ and I was still there? I still lived in the manor, that big , giant, empty house? You know how it felt?” Tony looks down because he knows it must've hurt Steve then, not knowing whether or not Tony was coming home. “It felt lonely. It felt lonely waiting every night for 6 months straight, _waiting_ to hear from you, _waiting_ just for one word from you. Just waiting... And that's all I've been doing. Ever since.. ever since I've known I loved you , I've been waiting. Waiting for you to love me back. Waiting for you to do the right thing. Waiting for you to stay..”

 

Tony doesn't know what to say, this wasn't what he expected at all. Is it the reason why Steve went into the water? Because he was tired of waiting for Tony?

 

“And I can't do it anymore. I can't always be the one you come back to, and I can't wait for you to come back all the time. I have to stop waiting for you.”

 

“What are you saying..” Tony feels the tears rolling down his cheeks, while the rest of his body is frozen.

 

“I am saying..,” Steve takes a deep breath, “maybe we should stay apart for a while.”

 

Tony's mind goes completely numb, it's like his brain suddenly got electrified and now his body is still alive but his senses are completely fried. He wants to beg, he wants to scream, he wants to fight, he wants to plea, but he sees that Steve is set and there's nothing to argue.

 

“Is that really what you want?” Tony asks, a salty taste on his tongue.

 

“I don't think it's about what I want right now, but what I need.”

 

Tony nods, wiping away the ocean on his face. “ Well.. I hope you find what you need.” Tony can't contain it anymore, he turns on his heels and runs out of the room, runs out of the corridor, he hears his name but he doesn't stop, his feet take him away, he slamms into doors and stumbles into people but he doesn't stop until he's outside and there's no wall around him but somehow it doesn't help and the air is stuck in his throat and he can't breathe. His brain is a blurry mess and he's shaking all over and he's not sure how he's still standing. He thinks he deserves this, this pain, this agony he feels, he deserves this, after everything he put Steve through. He deserves it, right? He tells himself he does, that karma has finally caught up with him somehow.

 


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALERT ALERT! LAST CHAPTER IS HERE!   
> Next one is the Epilogue, which will mark the end of my Wasted Chances story. I will probably do like a little letter after the epilogue, to explain a few things but yeh. I hope you enjoy this chapter, as short as it is. Let me know what you think, as always. Let me know what was your favorite moment, your least favorite moment, I want to know everything! 
> 
> I love you all ! Stay wonderful! I - Iswa

**lviii**. _recovery // the process of combating a disorder or a syndrome._

 

Steve finishes packing his last shirt in his duffel bag, and zips it shut. He stays there, standing at the edge of his bed, staring at his bag, thinking about how much has happened. Only a week ago, he was laying in his hospital bed; a day before that he was sinking at the bottom of a river. And now, he's here, ready to take on this next step of his life. He's ready, he tells himself, convinces himself, that he is, that he's strong enough to do this, to accept this.

 

A knock at his bedroom door breaks his train of thoughts. Bucky stands there, and smiles at him – a sad smile somehow. It's funny, since he's the one who help setting all of this.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Yes, but hum.. I still need to do one thing before we go.”

 

“Okay, do you need me to drive you somewhere?”

 

“No, it's fine, I can walk there.”

 

 

Steve runs his fingers on the edge of his coffee mug. He's counting the times his fingers runs over the edge in a perfect circle when he feels it. He looks up at the door of the small café and there he is, walking in like he already owns the place. Steve's heart flutters at the sight of Tony as it usually does, but right now he feels his whole body pulling him towards the man walking towards him. He's dressed formal, yet still very casual. Tony reaches him and Steve rises from his seat, and it's a bit awkward, he wants to reach out and kiss him but that would be wrong; would a hug be better? Wouldn't it just be weird? Steve stands there, debating what he should do, but Tony beats him to it.

 

“Hey!” He says, as he sits down at the table. “Sorry, I'm a little late, traffic was horrible. I had to park my car three blocks away otherwise I would still be driving around looking for a spot.”

 

Steve sits back down and nods.

 

“Sorry if I pulled you out of work, I needed to talk to you.”

 

“No, it's fine, work was boring really, eventhough we made a few advancements today, but it was really slow and really boring, there was this metting which dragged on for _so loooong,_ oh god, it was the worst I swear, I was like-”

 

“Tony, stop. Don't do that.” Steve cuts him off, tightening his hold on the mug in front of him.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Do that thing you do when you're nervous.”

 

Tony scoffs. “ I am not nervous.” Steve tilts his head to the side, cocking an eyebrow up. “Okay, fine, a little but I just..”

 

“It's okay.” Steve says, and he so badly wants to reach for Tony's hand, he desperately wants to feel him there, to know he's real, but his hands stay frozen against his mug. “ I'm nervous too.”

 

“You are?”

 

“Yes, I .. I've been meaning to call you after last time but I just..” Steve sighs and stares down at his mug. “ I was so afraid and I felt bad for the way I talked to you. I want to apologize for that, because I am sorry. And also, I need to tell you something.” Steve looks up and meets Tony's worried eyes. “ I am going into treatment. For my depression. Gosh, it feels.. so weird saying it out loud but yeh, I have depression. And PTSD.”

 

Tony is staring at him, tears in his eyes and Steve feels like crying himself but he promised himself he wouldn't, promised himself he could be strong during this, so he just says the first thing that comes to him.

 

“Did you know that now it's actually called PTSS? Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Because now, people found out that the trauma causes an injury that can actually alter your brain, and changing the name puts the light on it so when people say “ _I have PTSS_ ” , they know it's not a permanent condition, but a tretable injury.” He exhales loudly after finishing his sentence. He feels a weight off his shoulders and new fresh air coming into his lungs. He looks up and finds Tony's eyes and is surprised when he notices a smile at the end of his lips as well.

 

“I'm glad that you're seeking help for it.” Tony says and he's the one reaching for Steve's hand this time and Steve indulges in the warmth it brings him. “I've been doing some thinking as well, and I realized that I was acting so badly with you. Always putting off talking to Pepper, all this back and forth, all this hiding and secrecy.. I realized that it probably wasn't the right way of .. of showing you that I love you. I feel you as if I pulled you further down the hole than you already were..”

 

“It's okay... I shouldn't have gotten involved with you knowing that you were engaged in the first place. I guess it's on the both of us..”

 

Tony nods, and it's silent between the both of them for a while, but Steve finds it comforting somehow. It reminds him of all those mornings they spent together, hiding between the sheets, before the sun would properly come out, laying next to eachother, a hand on Tony's back, Tony's fingers running in Steve's hair... It seems so far away now, it seems like a lifetime ago.

 

“When are you leaving?” Tony asks, breaking the silence.

 

Steve clears his throat, shaking his head. “ Tonight.” He almost can't believe it himself. “ Bucky is taking me there.”

 

“Oh.. Well, I could come visit you.”

 

“I'm not.. I'm actually not allowed visitors during the duration of my stay.”

 

“Oh.” And Steve swears he hears pieces of Tony's heart shatter. He tightens his hold on Tony's hands, hoping that it helps. He stares as Tony's eyes fall at their hands, and stay there for a moment. When he looks back up at Steve, they're fierce, confident and Steve knows this look. “I'll wait. I'll wait a lifetime if I have to.”

 

Steve is about to speak but the words don't come out; there's so much he wants to say. Instead, he just smiles and hopes it conveys all the things he wishes he could speak to Tony, the man he loves, and he hopes that one day, he'll be able to speak to him without having to bite his tongue twice before.

 

 

 

The car ride is silent, there's a song playing on the radio, Steve is not sure who's the artist, but the woman has a lovely voice. He's staring out of the car window, the sun is setting, and he hopes Bucky can still enjoy it even on the driver seat. They have barely spoken today, but it's okay. Steve feels like everything that could be said between the two of them has been said already. It's weird now, but it'll become normal again, he tells himself, _it will_ , it has to.

 

They finally arrive at the treatment center, it's a large mansion, very english-like and there are two people waiting at the entrance. Bucky slows down as he reaches them and then stops completely. Steve braces himself and takes a deep breath.

 

“You ready?” Bucky asks him, and Steve turns to him and then looks back at the mansion, and the two people, and then back at Bucky.

 

“Yes, I'm ready.”

 

And for the first time in a very long time, he's completely honest to his bestfriend, he's saying the truth, and somehow, it feels good.

 


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the chapter after this one for my final note :)  
> I hope you enjoy this final chapter. Thank you for reading this story and still be with me. 
> 
> Happy reading :)

**lx**. _epilogue //a concluding section that rounds out the design of a literary work_

 

“There is no real ending; it's just the place where you stop the story.” - Frank Herbert

 

 

four months later //

 

 

“So Steve, how are you feeling?”

 

Steve takes a few minutes, to collect his thoughts, he can't quite believe he's done with the program. It's been 3 months and he's come really far, he's done everything he was supposed to, did every task on his journey to recovery, it feels surreal to him. It was not easy, doing everything on the program. The talk sessions, the counselling, he hated those. He didn't really talk much on the first few ones, he just kept quiet and listened. He wasn't until one month in that he started talking. And did he talk. He talked about everything, Sam, Clint, his own mother Sara, his childhood, and Tony. He couldn't talk about his life and not mention Tony. Just the thought of him makes him smile right now. He shakes his head, and looks up; his counselor Matt.

 

“I feel good. Really good.” He says in honesty.

 

“How do you feel about going back home today?”

 

“I..” He stops, the words are on his lips but still, he troubles with letting them go. He tells himself though and tells himself that it's okay, it's fine, he can talk about it, he's not going to bother anyone with his feelings. “ I feel scared. Strange. I know I'm going to see my family, but .. I am scared that I'll go back to my old ways.”

 

“Well, do you know what to do if you feel like slipping up?” Matt asked him, his voice sweet and lovely, it reminds Steve of honey and sunshine.

 

“I have to remind myself that I am enough and that my feelings are valid. That I can reach out to people if I need to talk.” He says and the words don't feel as mechanical as they used to. He actually does believe them. “I have to remind myself that it's okay to not be okay, that my emotions do not define how people feel about me, that my trauma does not define me. ”

 

Matt smiles at him, leaning back in his armchair. “I am very proud of how far you've come. It's not often that I see people come here and do so much progress in so little time. I am really glad you understand what I've been showing you.”

 

“I try. And I will try.” Steve says, hope filling his heart.

 

“I am very happy to hear that.”

 

 

When Bucky picks him up, he's waiting outside his car, leaning against the passenger door, and his hair is shorter than the last time he's seen him, but his smile , the one he gives Steve the second they see eachother is the same and Steve is thankful for that, for that smile, for that warmness he feels when Bucky hugs him and the way he doesn't let go after a long time.And it comforts him with the fact that everything might be okay after all.

 

It's not just apprehension, he realizes once he steps back into his appartment, it's a fact : it is surreal. The last time he was there was when he gathered his things to leave for the program, and now he's back and nothing has really changed. It does feel familiar and strange at the same time – he knows where the crooked tile on the kitchen wall is, he knows how to get the perfect temperature for the water in the bathroom, he knows how the sun plays with the curtains in the morning, but at the same time, the light is different now, and the floor seems heavy under his feet, and all the memories come back at once, and he makes his heart feels tight in his chest, and he turns to Bucky and speaks.

 

“ I want to move out.”

 

 

He does move out, far away from where he was, but close enough that he still knows his way around. He is fifteen minutes away from Natasha and Bucky's as they live in East FlatBush, and he now lives in Crown Heights. It's quite a change of scenery but he likes it. Wanda visits him quite often, she often dines with him at night and helps him find furniture on the week-ends when she's not too busy with her finals. He does spend a lot of time reading some of the book that Matt recommanded to him, and he does most of it outside, in Prospet Park, even if the air is chilly and he often comes back with numb fingers in the late afternoon, but he's always content and likes the way Matt smiles at him when they talk via video-conference when Steve tells him his favorite part of a book. He feels like his life is finally getting back on track and it's good. It feels good, though a piece of happiness remains absent.

 

 

 

“You should rest you know.” Rhodey's voice sounds far, a tough soothing whisper in the back of the workshop, and Tony scoffs at his words, and he slowly, very carefully places the metal ring on the power source.

 

“I am making a breakthrough here, Rhodey.” Tony retorts him, playfulness in his voice. “ If I don't do it, who will.”

 

“Tony Stark. The man who's going to lead us to the future.” Rhodey jokes and it's hiding something , Tony knows it, he knows Rhodey is concerned, but work is all he can do, all he seems to do since he and Pepper announcement the break up.

 

It was so terrible. Telling Pepper was fine, telling the world, not so much. They released an official statement and didn't expand much on the topic to the pressuring press but the media didn't just let it go at that. Everyday, on his desk at SI , pages and pages of questions from newspapers, gossip magasines, he doesn't even bother to read through them. He knows the truth and Pepper knows the truth, and that's what matters to him. And work is great, they remain professional and friendly, eventhough Tony feels some awkwardness from time to time but he does his best to breeze through it and focuson the work. Because he loves Pepper, he does love her, so much, but he's not in love with her. His heart belongs to someone else, someone who's not open right now, someone Tony hurt deeply. He knows it now. He knows that everything, all he's done for three months and a half hurt Steve. The back and forth, the staying at nights and leaving in the morning, the cheating, the withheld truths and secrets, the masquerade and fake smiles, everything just wasn't good, wasn't healthy. It is not how you start a relationship, Tony knows that now.

 

Winter is coming, and it sure does show. He hides himself under a thick beanie and bury his neck under a fluffy knitted scarf, and puts on his long coat before leaving the workshop. He knows he shouldn't go out, it's 10 p.m and he has been working for almost 48 hours straight and the coffee machine in the lab has run out of coffe ground hours ago and Tony just can't stop working now. It's not even pure determination, it's frenzy, he's been making so much progress in the last few hours, he can't let his brain slow down. He knows of this coffee place just a couple of streets away from the SI building which is still open at this hours and he quickly makes his way down the lobby, waving at the watchman on his way out. It's just a quick in-and-out operation, he tells himself, he'll be back with two cups in twenty minutes. He plans on asking the barrista to give him two Grande cups , just so he can have some until they open up in the morning, he makes a mental note to not down the two cups in ten minutes. He smiles as he thinks of the warm liquid, soon to be his, and thanks the universe for the people who discovered coffee.

 

He enters the coffee place, and it's not too crowded, there are only probably about six or seven people and Tony literally skips to the counter and the barrista welcomes him with a bright smile as soon as she sees him.

 

“Good evening, what can I get you?” She asks.

 

“Can I have two Grande Coffe to go, please?” Tony asks, and the smell of freshly brewed coffe is invading his nostrils already and he feels like he's on heaven.

 

“We're having our weekly Thanksgiving offer, which is for Two Grande Cup , you get one free, would you like that?”

 

The words are music to Tony's ears , and he eagerly smiles at the young girl. “Well, if you're offering, I'll have it.” She smiles and turns around and starts to get the cups ready. As he looks at her do, Tony is starting to wonder how he's going to really carry three Grande cups all the way to the building without freezing his fingers off, but the smell of coffee is slowly making his brain go all fuzzy and delirious. He hands her the money, and she gives him his change, and he's seeing angels when he's being handed his order. He turns around, closing his eyes, smiling as he smells the freshly-made hot coffee, making his way out. He's happy, this is happiness , he thinks.

 

Right until he bumps into a strong, tree-like chest and his order ends up on his coat and the floor. It all happens in matter of seconds and it feels like the world is crashing around him, as he stares at the coffee on his coat. But then.

 

Then.

 

“Oh my , I am so so sorry, I just? I didn't-” The voice stops and Tony looks up because how could he not. He can't believe it. He can't believe that this is happening, he dreamed about this moment so many times , so many different versions, that the fact that this is happeneing right now, like this, when he's sleep deprived, exhausted, covered in burning hot coffee, and definetely not how he had planned to look for this particular moment. It's crazy, and he doesn't even care that other people are rushing around them to clean this up, to help them, because right now, he can only see him. He can only see as he rises and god, he looks gorgeous, he is so beautiful in this light, his cheeks pink from the cold breeze and his hair ruffled by the winter air. Steve looks like love, a warm bed after a tired day, and home.

 

“Hey.” He says after a while.

 

Steve looks back at him, and a smile breaks at the ends of his mouth and it's so beautiful it could break Tony's heart.

 

“Hey there.” Steve says.

 

And he smiles and Tony smiles too, and that's all they do for a while but it's fine, it's all good, because it doesn't matter that he's covered in coffee and they haven't seen or heard from eachother in months but in this moment, as they smile at eachother, everything is okay. The wind is blowing outside and the stars are glowing in the sky, and the universe smiles when the sun meets his angel.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy? :)  
> \- Love, Iswa


	61. Chapter 61

My final note. 

 

So, we're done, it's over. I can't believe I started this story over a year and a half ago, when I had just moved here, and it was a distraction from school. This story is my baby, I never thought I would actually finish it if I am completely honest. But here we are, 60 chapters later, and with so many of you . It's crazy for me to think that people actually read this story. But you did, and for that, I am so thankful. I am very thankful for all the people who chapter after chapter, commented and gave me very supportive feedback. You know who you are, and I do hope that you know how amazing you are. 

Now a bit of explanation : 

 

I do not like cheaters. Cheating , unfaithfulness for me is for me the unforgivable thing in a relationship. It's not even a question of love, but respect. It does not matter how long you've been in a relationship,if you're not in love anymore, etc. If you respect the person you're with, you'll break up with them before engaging in another relationship. So why did I write about that, you may ask?

I love challenges, I thrive on challenges, I am a Gemini, that's how I grow, how I evolve, and Steve and Tony being my #1 OTP, I thought " why not write something about the one I hate, with a pairing I absolutely love?" And this story was born. And I am glad so many of you enjoyed it. 

I have other story ideas, and I guess at one point , I'll write them, but for now, this is a goodbye and I hope you enjoyed the epilogue, let me know what was your favorite part of the story, the moment that made you cry, which character you liked most, what you liked most about the story in general. I want to know everything ( nosy me ). 

 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that your 2018 will be filled with love ( self love and love for the people who really do matter in your life ), success in everything you do, health, and happiness. I love you all, thank you. 

 

Love always, Iswa :)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think :) ! Have a good day/night!


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